Prepare For Impact

when I was growing up and in middle school and high school I had some of the shittiest self esteem and confidence issues. Like I fuckin hated everything about myself, just wanted to fuckin drag myself through the dirt forever. Well eventually I figured out the key to confidence was fake it till ya make it right?

Well I started to construct this image of myself that I wanted to become, I guess a new personality or something, someone I looked up to, started “dating” myself, figuring out what I liked what made me happy, trying to know myself, and all the while creating this new ‘me.’

Well I’m not a very orignal artist, in fact I kinda went Dr Frankenstein on this new ‘me.’ I read a lot of fiction at the time, and started looking up to, relating to the really really really asshole narcissistic characters. You know the type, the ‘cool’ guy hiding behind his shades who thought he was hot shit and gonna save the world and it was solely his responsibility. Think Vriska Serket, anyway I took her, and a bunch of other asshole characters I started identifying with, listening to really narcissistic ‘unhealthy’ music, bad for your state of mind kind of music. But they gave me confidence, made me feel good about myself, made me like myself, and I didn’t pay attention to anything else.

I’m startin to realize that was a bad idea. That shit fucked me up pretty bad mentally, personally. I can’t tell you how much I simultaneously love and hate myself, how often I just end up sitting there and can’t move, how often I end up stricken. Turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ended up adopting all the negative aspects of those characters that state of mind from the music.