Just Simply My Life.

Not sure how much more of this I can take. Nightly sleepless nights because of the throbbing sharp pain. What is so frustrating about being in this much pain is that it can keep you awake or even wake you up from a good sleep. If you're in as much pain as I am then sleep just isn't an option anymore. I find myself feeling so tired throughout the day and it keeps me from doing all the things I feel I have to accomplish.

For some reason at night the pain just seems worse. It wakes me up, I pop a pain pill and rock myself back and forth in bed waiting for the pill to kick in and I'm whimpering because the pain is uncontrollable.

Robert will wake up and ask if I'm ok and if he can help but there's nothing anyone can do. All I can do is wipe away tears because this pain is a constant reminder of my infertility. You see the thing about being awake in the middle of the night is that it can be an incredibly lonely and upsetting time. There are nights when I'm feeling so frustrated that all I want to do is kick and scream off the top of my lungs. But that would mean that I would wake up my entire household. Not the best approach to take no matter how much it hurts. I guess in times life this, its good that the internet is available. Any distraction will help a bit, doesn't make the pain go away but it can help my brain stay a bit occupied.

In a few days I will see my Gynecologist to get the results of my MRI. I know the cysts are still there... Sometimes I wish they would burst, maybe I would get some relief. I need to figure out what my next approach will be dealing with endomitriosis.

I wish so badly that I could be a candidate for a laparoscopy. But having my kidney right behind my belly button and sitting right on top of my uterus puts me at risk for a punctured kidney. Which can be life threatening. Most endomitriosis is dealt with laporoscopically. I need to find an excision specialist who can cut me open. Now a days cutting someone open for endomitriosis is not the norm. I have so much to research. I guess on my sleepless painful nights I should just take advantage of that and do my research. I am part of 2 Endo groups and every story I read on there is like reading about me. Well minus the countless unsuccessful surgeries these women have had. That's another fear... If they cut me open there's no guarantee that the pain won't come back. I share the same disease with these women, we all go through the same thing physically and emotionally. I've had this pain since I was 25 years old. But this last year had been the worst.

This really sucks. I can't explain the pain, the anger and the sadness that I feel. I feel like I was given a useless body. Can't procreate and this constant pain is a constant reminder of that.

It's been over an hour since I popped a Norco and I'm still here lying in bed with such pain.

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you do tired the night before, and that my love is bravery."

I Gave It My All...

It's 3 am, pain I fear you not but for peets sake give me a break already. This constant waking me up in the middle of the night to remind me that you're still there is kind of getting old already. We keep meeting this way every night and on occasion during the day. How many pain pills and shots do I need in order to make you go away?

In the last 8 weeks I've only been pain free for 5 days. Yes, I'm counting the good days and the bad days. For the last 17 years my pain would only come around during my period, but for the past 8 weeks it's been non stop. You would think it would get easier but it's physically exhausting and emotionally draining. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I feel like my ovary is going to burst. Sadly a part of me wishes it did, hoping that once it bursts the pain would go away. I know that's not how it works but it's worth thinking. I feel that my doctor's don't believe what the extent of my pain is. One just gives me pain pills and the other shots, hoping that my cysts will eventually get smaller to alleviate this pain.

Rocking myself while in a fetal position is not cutting it. It's so strong that any position I'm in is just not helping. My natural instinct is to moan while in pain, not sure how or why I think that helps but I guess I do it to make me feel like I'm somehow dealing with it the best way I know how. My poor husband must be like, "damn woman keep it down". I'm sure it's not easy for him to hear me moan in pain, feel me rock myself in bed and hear me cry. I'm sure it's draining for him too. But what can he do but ask if I'm ok. What can anyone do with this sad and useless body of mine?

I am putting up with this so I can attempt to do IVF again with the one little frozen embryo I have left. Most days I doubt my strength and want to just give up and say, "Screw IVF, just cut me open doc and make this pain go away." When you live with endomitriosis the chances that your pain will go away and never come back are pretty slim. I'm in a couple of Endo groups and daily I will read all these women's stories about their issues, pain and surgeries... constant surgeries too, and I just cry. I cry because I fear that I'll end up like them, having repeated surgeries and no relief whatsoever from this. This disease that has taken over my body, mind and soul. Our stories of the suffering are so similar, it's like reading all about my life. We are all going through the same thing only difference is that during the day I get up and go about my life, and sadly most of these women just give up and stay in bed all day. The get depressed and that is something I will not let myself get into. No no no. I will most definitely not.

I'm so sleepy and tired... Why am I still awake? This interrupted sleep is draining. Please please pain go away, don't make me cry anymore tonight or tomorrow it will be hard for me to put on my happy face since I'm looking so tired.

I hate to think this but maybe I need stronger pain pills.

Maybe I should just stop crying

Maybe I should stop moaning

I am in misery right now. Endomitriosis is really kicking me hard. The pain is so intense that I can't even sleep and all I want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry but any position I put myself in hurts. I have been living with endomitriosis pain for about 17 years now. Was given a somewhat diagnosis about 4 years ago when I stayed IVF. For years I was also getting the intense right pelvic pain on the 5th day of my period. Seeing 12 doctors, having 2 nerve blocks plus other tests, nothing worked! So I learned to live with it. But during the last 7 weeks that had been impossible, I have experienced the worst and sharpest pain this time on my left ovary - every single day, all day. I've been living on Norco, I hate taking narcotics but this pain is so intense I literally have no choice. At first I thought my doctor about the Norco, he kept pushing for me to take it every 4-6 hours daily but I was stubborn. Now I seem to take it all the time.

So I've joined several endomitriosis groups and have read all these stories about women who are going through or who have gone through what I'm experiencing and all I do is cry. Yes I cry daily now, it's like a routine. If the pain doesn't make me cry than someone's story does because it's like reading about myself. Endomitriosis does not go away. Women have surgery after surgery to try and fix it but almost everyone has complained about getting relief only for a bit and than it comes back. It's incredible how we all experience the same pain, get the same look or answer from our obgyn and how most just give up on us and make us feel like we're crazy. Endomitriosis is an invisible disease, with no actual cure.

I think that my obgyn and my fertility specialist are great men but they don't get how intense this pain is. One gives me Norco and the other is making me take lupron shots (typical move by doctors) to suppress your endomitriosis. It's been 3 weeks now on lupron and all it's done so far is give me night sweats and makes me feel drained. I can be active one minute and all of a sudden I'm beat. So beat I need to sit down. It's like doing IVF except I'm not doing it for a transfer. I'm tired, tired physically, emotionally and tired of complaining about it. I need to think outside the box, I can't let this take control of me nor can I let it affect my daily life. Many women give up and get depressed. My life is too chaotic to let myself get that way. I have people who depend on me, my husband, mom, my dogs and BB dogs. I cannot let this take control of me, I will not! I will bitch and moan but I will not let it take me over!

2 weeks ago today I once again got the dreadful call from my doctor  that my embryo transfer was not successful.  Once again I heard the words, "I'm so sorry, but your test came back negative."  Yup, in late April I started IVF again - my 5th embryo transfer.  I kept it mostly to myself because instead of giving the occasional updates on Facebook I decided to record my experience.  I love coming back to my blog page to read about my past struggles and thought perhaps recording my 5th embryo transfer cycle would be fun, educational and who knows it might just help someone out.  I do have followers that appreciate reading my IVF blogs.  I know recording my journey definitely helped me out.  It gave me something to look forward to versus just dreading the painful daily shots I had to endure. When I read other women's blog posts or watch their videos, I can totally relate to what they are going through and it makes me feel a little better knowing that its not just me.  That I am not the only one who's heart and hopes get stomped on each time we attempt IVF.  It reminds me that I am still human and like most women who suffer from infertility, I too suffer from the pain of wanting to become a mother but sadly have to endure weeks and weeks of pain, fear, nervousness, crazy hormone effects and heartache. So on this journey I decided that I was going to record my daily shots, do brief updates (sorry I'm not experienced in front of the camera) but this is the REAL ME, MY REAL STORY, MY PAIN, MY OBSTACLES and MY HEARTACHE.   ​Watch video below: 

I did over a month of shots, patches and pills.  My belly was bruised from all the daily shots i was giving myself.  The patches always give me an allergic reaction and the intramuscular butt shots...OMG ouch!  I have never been so bruised like I got with this cycle.  Sometimes you just have to endure all the pain to get your little miracle.  I am willing to endure all i need to endure just for a chance at a miracle.  ​This transfer was probably one of the most emotional and stressful transfers for me.   I found out that Bella had a tumor and that she needed radiation right away.  Timing could not have been more horrible but it was too late for me to back out of doing my transfer. I had already started doing my shots, had paid the clinic and was getting my body ready for the transfer when I got the bad news of Bella.  It was extremely emotional for both Robert and myself as well as a financial  hit in the gut.  If I would have known 1 week before starting shots that my poor baby girl Bella had a tumor that had grown and she would not last more then a few months, than I would have cancelled my IVF and concentrated strictly on getting her better.  But that was not the case. I was in the middle of my cycle already and witnessed Bella's decline and it hit me pretty hard physically and emotionally.  I often found myself caring for Bella's well being and not even once thinking about the possible life that I had inside of me.  I felt guilty and cried many nights because not once did I give myself the chance to think of myself and felt such pain knowing that my dog was suffering and we needed to do something about it.  I don't regret one bit making Bella my priority.  But I do regret having those days where i didn't even think of myself as possibly being pregnant.  In past cycles I often talked to my belly in hopes that the embryo could hear me and stick for good.  But this time I didn't even have the time nor the strength for that.  Although I prepped myself for the bad news I still broke down this time around.  I guess no matter what i say or think I just can't control the way the bad news will make me feel.  It is a feeling like no other, knowing that you have tried so hard to get to something but  yet it seems like you just didn't try hard enough or you just feel like a failure.  I  blame myself and then I pity myself.  But like other cycles, I  just have to snap out of it.    Not sure why this happened the way that it did, and like I've said before in pasts blog posts, if "God" has a reason for why this happened- well gosh darn it, I'd like to know what it is.  I pray and hope all the time but its never enough and not to throw myself a pity party but darn, how much more of this can I take?  I have had 5 unsuccessful IVF transfers.  I only got pregnant on my first try but it didn't last and ended up miscarrying.  I try so hard to stay positive but it seems like every time I do an IVF transfer something crazy is going on in my life.  Could this be a sign to just STOP!?  A big part of me wants to stop but I still have 1 embryo left.  It would be unfair for me to give up on it.  I know i'm not the only one that has done IVF nor am I the only one who has been unsuccessful 5 times.  But IVF is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done.  I am hoping that no matter what the outcome is that somehow God gives me the opportunity to just do this last transfer without any obstacles in my life. Doing IVF and knowing my dog was sick was really tough for me.  So tough to watch and tough to deal with.  All I ask is that I am allowed to do my last embryo transfer without having any stress in my life.  Give me a fair chance to do this and just maybe my body can be strong enough to create a life.  I plan on starting again in a couple of months, just waiting for Bella to get a little bit better.  My last embryo was created when i was 39 years old, that was 2 years ago.  If that doesn't take then we will need to think of what comes next.  Who knows...I might do 1 more full cycle of IVF (meaning i'll need to create my eggs) this of course is the worst part of the IVF process.  Life is full of challenges and I'm up for the challenges, I know I am strong but I'm also human and I break down at times.  I don't want to hear the "it will happen or just relax" that many of us going through IVF so often tend to hear. I just want a fair chance.  And yes we've considered adopting too but believe me it's not as easy as one might think.  That is why I can't give up just  yet. I seem to be healthy enough to create the eggs, even at my age.  So I don't plan on giving up just yet.  I will just hold my head up high, put on a smile and go about life like I have been for the last 4 years.   It's funny how life works, but I guess there's a reason why things happen the way that they do.  All I can do is TRY.  Although part of me is somewhat numb now from the many heartaches, I must gather up the strength to keep going.  I'm not giving up on you so please don't give up on me!