Letters to my past self

Expectations is the root of all heartaches.

i forgot he has the right to like someone else kahit anong effort mo na para makita niya.

pero wala e. he said he was afraid to hurt me, hindi ko maisip ganyan na ba talaga cya ka manhid na hindi niya nakikita na unconsciously hes already hurting me. pero this is the consequences of what i got myself into.

im sticking to my word na gusto ko lang masaya siya. nakalimutan ko lang hindi pala ako pde makapagpasaya sa kanya.

I suspect you had an early booze.

My phone was charging so I didnt check for an hour.

And I knew it

1 miss call from you.

Sorry dude, thought you should know I had an accident

Though sex would have been a great relief right now

But I have a bad injury I might not enjoy it tonight.

....

....

She had a sparkling dark skin

A shiny dark hair and a pretty small face.

I kissed her.

But more importantly...

His name was Dexter.

He used to wait for me at a bunk house

For me to get out of school.

I would catch him watching TV,

And he'd lay his head on my lap as I sat down.

His friends would say "he's been eager to see you whole day'"

And he'd blush.. stroking my hand.

Me? I didnt say anything.

And as soon as his friends left

But somehow i miss it Watching a gun barrell Or feeling my fast heartbeat

I wasnt proud I didnt even want But why do i feel bad That a part of me was gone.

i had to be in school at 9

it was all fine.

thanks to my earphone

i can just walk from home.

i have fought my anxieties

for all these years.

it dont get much in my head now 

although when it does

i have to drown myself again

with alcohol of course.

or with a cut.

so anyways it was monday

i told myself to be happy

i was.

i can assert, i can sit on the lounge.

i can ask. i can answer.

its a great feeling you see.

with no crowd to get suffocated with.

i had a habit to finish things at last minute.

procrastinator me.

so i did and i will have a class the whole afternoon.

tests.

i had read my notes because im not a fan of studying

although i listen in class.

ive got 17 out of 40

another 10 out of 50.

and then i asked myself.

have i really got over it all with,

or am i just being numb again?

but yes. i like the idea of not having to worry about anything.

i still walk heads down.

but i smile at strangers now.

so its tuesday. a monotonous life of a student.

but i will get through this. 

that i promise.

not to make my parents proud.

not for me to have achievements.

not for anybody.

its just because.

because this is life.

i have to move forward.

and if death comes

well hell they could say

no dont tell me im beautiful.

i know you're having time if you should tell me or not.

but im not.

maybe i have beautiful eyes.

you can tell me that.

but dont say im beautiful.

do i want you to tell me im ugly?

Friend: Really? About what?

Me: My social anxiety.

Friend: Yeah sometimes I get shy too, it's pretty normal.