bye

Ingredients:

Pillsbury Buttermilk Biscuits (it is very important that you get the Buttermilk biscuits and not the Grands, as the Grands are flaky and you do not want that for this recipe) - 3 (three) containers (That’s 30 [thirty] biscuits all together)

Package of pepperoni (you need at least 60 (sixty) pieces of pepperoni. Another side note, I use turkey pepperoni because I’m kosher, and it tastes just as good)

Package of colby jack string cheese

Italian seasoning

Grated parmesan

Garlic powder

1 (one) egg

About 1 (one) tbsp of butter (preferably off a stick of butter)

Jar of pizza or marinara sauce

Tools:

Small knife (butter knife, doesn’t matter)

Large cookie sheet

3 (three) small mixing bowls/ramekins (2 [two] must be microwave safe)

A cooking brush (like one you would use for grilling)

A whisk or fork

Instructions:

Preheat your over to 475 (Four hundred seventy five) degrees Fahrenheit.

Take a large cookie sheet and use a bit of your stick of butter to grease it up. No need to heat the butter up, just spread it around.

Take 10 (ten) of the cheese sticks, unwrap them, and then cut each into thirds. Put aside in a neat and easy to reach pile.

Take your package of pepperoni and take out 60 (sixty) pieces (no need to count them out, just grab a huge handful, and grab more if needed). Put them next to the cheese.

Open a can of biscuits and take one at a time.

Now, you load up your biscuit. Slightly (very slightly) flatten the biscuit in your hand. Grab two pieces of pepperoni and one cheese piece. Put one pepperoni on the biscuit, then the cheese, then the only piece of pepperoni - effectively sandwiching the cheese.

Take the edges of the biscuit and fold it around the pepperoni and cheese. It should encase them, and then you pinch together the seams, essentially making it into a ball. I find it helps to roll it in your hands after you sealed all the edges. Be sure to seal any breaks or tears in the dough.

Place onto cookie sheet seam side down.

Do this for all the biscuits.

The cookie sheet should have 6 (six) rows of 5 (five) biscuits on it.

Now you need to make the seasoning to put on top of the biscuits. To do this, grab 2 (two) mixing bowls, the egg, the remainder of the butter, the italian seasoning, the parmesan, the garlic powder, and the brush.

In the microwave safe bowl, break up the remainder of the butter in the small pieces and microwave it until the butter is completely melted.

While waiting for the butter to melt, in the other bowl, combine the parmesan, the italian seasoning, and the garlic powder. No set measurements, just add as much as you think will be needed to cover the biscuits. I find that having a ratio of 2 (two) parmesan to 1 (one) italian seasoning to 1 (one) garlic seasoning tastes best, but it’s all up to you. Whisk this mixture with a whisk or a fork.

Take the butter out of the microwave (careful, it’s hot), wait for it to cool a bit, and then crack an egg in the same bowl and whisk it until the butter and egg are combined.

Take the brush and brush the egg/butter mixture over all the biscuits. Give them a heavy coating, but you don’t need to use all of the mixture.

Now that the biscuits are coated, sprinkle some heavy helpings of the seasoning over the biscuits. 

Put them into the oven for 15 -17 (fifteen to seventeen) minutes, or until you see a nice browning on the top of the pizza balls. A few may burst and cheese will come out, but it’s fine.

After they’re done, take them out and allow them to cool on a counter or whatever you have.

While waiting for them to cool, grab another bowl and pour your pizza sauce or marinara in. Microwave it until hot.

Grab some pizza balls and serve with the sauce!

It’s coming up on a year now since I got my current job as a pizza delivery girl, and I thought this would be a good time to delve into the little ever-expanding “WTFPIZZA” note I keep on my cell that helps me remember some of my more, uh - interesting deliveries.

So without further ado and in no particular order, here’s some pizza customers who left a lasting impression on me thus far:

- A bearded man who answered the door and periodically spat blood into a crusted Harley-Davidson coffee mug while counting out his cash.

- A woman who slipped me a business card (in lieu of tip) for a laser tattoo removal clinic, explaining “In case you want to bring your mutilated skin back to how God intended it to be.”

- At least three Batmans so far, but only one who did the voice.

- An elderly Spanish woman who meekly presented me with a (rather classy) pearl-handled .32 snub nosed revolver and asked if I knew how to load it (I do) and also, if I could load it for her (I didn’t).

- A group of EMT’s hanging out in the back of an ambulance at a recently extinguished (but still smouldering) house fire.

- A man with a thick Alabama accent who admonished me for standing in front of his mailbox while I waited for him to answer the door.  He then explained how this was a federal offense because I was “obstructing the mail system” and demanded my social security number so he could “report me to the proper authorities”.

- A group of young teenage girls (like 14-16) who begged me to buy a case of Bud Light (ew why) and bring it back to them.

- A hotel room full of badass middle-aged women all dressed as Professor McGonagall from the Harry Potter films, who were also completely wasted on Jello shots.  They kept encouraging me to stay and party with them.

- A 20-something dude who answered the door with an unsheathed katana dangling through a belt loop on his jeans.

- Multiple instances of people asking if I would sell them pot. (bitch get your own dealer sheesh)

- A guy who slipped a twenty directly into my shirt because I apparently was the “spitting image” of his deceased daughter.

- A woman who admonished me for driving a Mazda, and wrote “get a real car” in the tip portion of my credit receipt.

- A very drunk dude who gave me his iPhone and had me take a bunch of Myspace-esque pictures of the both of us.  He did the duck lips thing in every shot.

- Multiple prank deliveries (joke’s on you motherfucker, I get paid for the gas AND I eat the pizzas you ordered)

- An elderly man who wrote “FUCK OFF” as his signature on a credit receipt.

- A thirty-something guy who begged to get his order for free because he “works so hard”.  He visibly teared up and sniffled when I told him I couldn’t do anything.

- A dudebro wearing a bath robe and socks + sandals (indoors) who straight up wordlessly yanked the pizzas out of my hands without paying and shut the door.  Multiple knockings were of no avail.

- A woman who angrily demanded to see my ID because she refused to believe my claims that I’m female.  She proceeded to snatch my driver’s license out of my hand, run back into her house and show it to her children while pointing back at me.

- A kid no older than 14 who desperately tried to convince me to play WoW on the free custom server he was playing on. (But it has double XP!)

- A guy who spent the entire time I was there digging a (impressively large) booger out of his nose.  He proceeded to smear it on, thankfully, HIS copy of the receipt.

- An on-duty cop who flagged me down by intercepting me on the road before I got to the police station and pulling me over to get his pizza.

- A drill instructor looking-guy who filled out his entire credit card receipt, specifically wrote “0.00” in the tip portion, then proceeded to write out a check for seventy-eight cents and handed it to me.  It said “pizza tip” in the “For” section.

- A furious lady who yelled at me for a solid five minutes (I kept track) all about how long it took for her delivery to get to her.  She then tipped me an extra ten bucks on a six dollar order.  I dunno.

- An incredibly stoned teenager trying and failing to look sober.  When I complimented his Adventure Time wallet (which was super cute) and asked where he got it, he immediately looked terrified, sat down on the floor and muttered “I… I don’t know….”

- Obligatory naked man with unimpressive penis

- A chick at a house party who answered the door and immediately turned to vomit into her mailbox.

- A surly Korean mom with an amazing shoulder tattoo of a baby giving birth to a full-grown woman.

- A man who lived in one of those mini-mansions inside a gated community, who sported a seemingly massive collection of what appeared to be solid glass spheres of varying size and color.  I only got a quick glance in his house but there had to be hundreds of them in display racks, tables, shelves - everywhere.

- A group of 20-something guys who challenged me to sing the original Pokemon theme song, which I did.  And perfectly, I may add.

- A completely iced-out musclebound gangster kid who was blaring Regina Spektor so loud and with so much bass I actually couldn’t hear anything he was saying.

- An elderly guy who deadpan asked me if I knew anyone who could score him hollowpoint bullets.

1) You are not in enough pain to need relief

2) You have been in pain for too long; showing that you are capable of living through chronic pain. Obviously you are not in need of relief because you have been living with it.

3) You may become addicted to not being in pain. This is very dangerous, we do not like to prescribe pain relief because you may become addicted. Addiction to pain management is much worse than being in pain.

4) You may be disabled. Disabled people aren’t real people, they don’t deserve pain relief.

5). Have you tried NSAIDs?

If you would like to file a claim or appeal this decision, please refile your original form in the claims office. The claims office is open from 11am to 3pm. They are closed for 1.5 hours during lunch time. You can call to make an appointment between these hours. You may not leave a message as our messaging system is currently full. Average wait time is 45 minutes until your first representative. Please keep in mind you will be transferred at least twice. Wait times will occur with each transfer.

Right now my doctor is on an “if you would exercise you wouldn’t hurt” crusade.

During my last flare up I could barely sit myself up for more than ten minutes because of the pain. And I called and told the PA that. And she LITERALLY said I needed to go to the gym more often and tried to tell me I was imagining the pain/that it was all due to a weather system.

you cannot fuck him over phones

you cannot fuck him in real life

you can’t tag-team him with your wife

you cannot fuck him, that’s absurd–

he’s fictional, and he’s a germ

no matter what you might suppose

you just can’t fuck osmosis jones!

i’m sorry, dude, i wrecked your plan–

•Reassure them constantly. (This may be annoying but they will be thankful.)

•Keep them in the loop of your life. (This means share plans with them. It will keep them at ease.)

•Text them when you are on our way, or when you get home. (This may seem obnoxious but their brain will thank you.)

•Hugs. (After anxious days something as little as a hug can make things better.)

•Triggers. Identify them. (This one will be hard. Once you figure out what makes them anxious it will help you to make them feel safe.)

•No surprises unless you know it will make them happy. (Surprises can be hard to handle for anxious people. It will depend on their anxiety level.)

•Change is hard. (Try to limit major changes in your relationship if possible. Things will change but be ready to help your partner through it.)

And if you DO like pineapple on your pizza, reblog THIS POST.

Oh ok I understand now.