a tad spooky

certified door post

hey (with the intention of making you go to the bookstore with me)

lil wayne or wathever

I’ll never forget the time my parents said they were going out for a few hours, and left my siblings and me at home by ourselves (ages 9-14), and instead of going nuts or just sitting around, we all rushed and did our hair and makeup and got dressed as fancy as we could; sister pulled out the wine glasses and grape juice and made an hors d'oeuvres platter, another googled how to play poker, pulled out chips from a different game, dimmed the lights, and we set up a fancy 4-person gambling den at the kitchen table and played until my parents said they were on their way back with dinner. Then we quickly picked everything up, washed our faces, changed back into our casual clothes, and pretended nothing ever happened. They never found out.

(To the tune of Rasputin): BLEH BLEH DRACULA, KING OF TRANSYLVANIA, HE IS A BAT AND ALSO A MAN

sam reid could do shirtless beach volleyball in jeans but tom cruise couldn’t do the vampire lestat one night only concert

Louis, angrily: Armand. Please get Daniel to stop teaching Lestat slang! If I have to hear him say one more “YEET,” I will, as Daniel puts it, THROW HANDS.