I'm good for nothing will U love me just the same

Me, dressed in all black with tiny pumpkins painted on my face: Well actually Halloween is everyday if you're loyal enough.

Legend says that I said this. And by legend I mean the girl I used to babysit told me I did. I don’t remember saying it but it is definitely my life’s motto.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. I’ve always considered myself a thrifty person. I can spot a garage sale sign from 500 yards. We grew up being excited to go to garage sales, flea markets and thrift stores. It runs in my veins, it can’t be ignored.

But money has always been something of a trigger for me. I’ve always had trouble with it. I am an expert shopper. I prowl the clearance section like a fox in the henhouse. I’m the best at buying things I probably don’t need but I can’t pass us a deal.

For a long time I tried to buy my happiness. It was always with crap and it never lasts. If it’s under $4 there is a good chance I want it. The binge was the fun part. Then I would often go through a purge where I would throw away crap like crazy. Was I sick of looking at it? Did it disgust me? Did I finally realize that I was never going to use it? All of it went in the trash. I spent very little money on it and getting rid of things felt good from time to time.

But what I never got rid of….never even used was the free samples. I love free samples. I horde them and until recently I had some that expired in 2010. It’s always kinda boggled me why I was so willing to get rid of the things I paid for but would fight someone to keep what I got for free.

Then it came to me…cheap is good but free is better. Something I got for cheap was a failure. It didn’t make me happy and I spent money on it, something we were struggling to keep. After a while I would start to resent those purchases. And they had to go. They reminded me of all my failures and weakness.

But the free stuff? That was all win. I got something small, something I didn’t necessarily need and I didn’t need to pay for it. Win. That was something that never failed to make me feel better. Naturally if I used the sample it was gone and I had nothing left to make me feel better. So I kept them. And I kept them and I’m still keeping them.