All Life Is Art

lighten up!

So if I’ve had monogamous relationships before, and didn’t really feel like I fit into it, then I try polyamorous relationships, and didn’t really feel like I fit into it, then what am I? And how am I supposed to go back to being monogamous when the idea that I’ve even been poly before has scared off my best chance at being happy with someone in ten fucking years? Am I just supposed to never mention that I was poly? How am I supposed to explain that? Who would want to be with someone but never really know them? And the thought of reapproaching polyamory seems even more daunting. I don’t think it is as easy as slipping myself into some kind of polycule around here. I don’t want that, anyway. I want connection. I want devotion, and to devote to someone. I want honesty. I thought I had all those things. I was sure of it. He even told me just now before he left, he was sure of it too. But now it’s over.

I never even really told anyone I was seeing someone. I’ve been so superstitious about even mentioning any of the people I’ve tried dating to anyone in my life because it seems like the moment I speak, it falls apart. And yet again, here I am back at square one. I guess I just need to never say I’m with someone. Fuck, this hurts.

Eventually there’s a place that I feel like I belong. Eventually there’s someone who can look at the complexity of my being and say yes, I choose you, I love you because of who you are today. Eventually, it makes sense why I’ve done all this work, and it’s because I wasn’t doing it for anyone else. I’ve been doing it for myself the whole time.

The whole thing didn’t even last two months. Like absolutely start to finish, from day one of meeting each other to the conversation that just ended things. All inside two months. I feel like such a fool. I really thought this was the time that I got it right, I saw the whole thing unfolding in front of me and I was so sure I was getting all these confirmations. I guess it was just what I wanted to hear.

I don’t understand. If someone were to tell me, “I want to be with you, stay with you, build a future with you, and I don’t have any second thoughts about it,” that would be enough for me as long as I wanted that too. And maybe that’s the part I’m missing. That’s not what he wanted. It’s what he said he wanted, but it’s not the same when the person telling you that isn’t in the same world of marriage, children, picket fences. I’m not a fantasy of a person. I’m a real, nuanced, complicated soul with lots of different and contradictory experiences. Somehow I find a way to hold them all in my being. So maybe it’s for the best. Things have a way of working out.

How strange, though. I’m sure I’ll cry about it later. To no one but myself. Because no one even knew about him.

It just still doesn’t feel right. Maybe it won’t. I don’t know.