Heavy Little Mind

Hiding in the darkness, painting a new life away from hate, prejudice and violence; they hold each other, safe and passionate surrounded by paint and newspaper.

Remembering you is like cutting myself, I felt like I needed you to feel normal and alive but you left me scarred and hideous.

Did it feel good to rip out an organ? Pull my heart from its cage and play with it like putty? Or was punishing yourself too hard to do? So you would utter those words “I love you” then take another girl or boy back to your bed.

Naive i was, young and green but you turned it all into a dream of younger days where I didn’t understand relationships. When it was just us you would tell me I was beautiful and there was no one like me but it was a bit of a joke because,

Sardonically,

I was the only one to put up with your

Abuse,

I’m not going to indulge you this time, in your eyes or beautiful smile. I needed isolation and a massive shift of life to make me realise I’m worth my own time.

I hate someone hurt you so bad

To make you think it’s normal to do

That because I wouldn’t fuck you you found sex somewhere else

Fuck you and your ways

Sits with a cup coffee and a cigarette,

Thinking about the world she wants to leave behind

Something she thinks about all the time.

Her mind plays a song she's desperate to forget.

Thoughts bounce and words collect but none of it makes any sense.

She'll create problems, two even three and it is constantly, razor to wrist then she puts it back because it aches to look at that.

The lumpy scars and purple bruises because she knows it's self inflicted.

You can't love her

She can't even love herself

All because her brain doesn't want to forget.

Every word

Every look

Every punch she ever took

Every kick

Every slap

"it was just a tap"

She's not one of them and she never will be so what's the harm in killing her softly...

Even now, ten years on she tries to think of when it went wrong but she can't she's self destructive.

How will she heal,

She wont

She wants to feel like she's not alone

A sea of people

Asks how she is

But she sees ghosts and transparent things.