this time of year always reminds me of my grandmother. Christmas was her favorite time of year and I wish you could have seen the absolute joy she would put into decorating and making candy. The amount of energy and passion she put into this holiday really meant a lot to me when I was a child. No matter what was going on in my life seeing someone gets so infused by the ideal of togetherness and merriment and joy really had a strong impact shaping my perception of how I see the world.
I know it goes without saying but it's really taking a lot of the light out of me since she's died. Going from having someone in your life that absolutely supports you and is behind you no matter what, that loves you unconditionally to then not is devastating.
I know how lucky i am. I know I've been given so many things in life that most people will never have. Most people won't have no matter how hard they work for it, or how hard they steal for it. I know.
there's this disconnect between me and other people when I try to relate my experiences to them the air I give off almost always make some reason makes them resentment and or malicious towards me.
I'm in this situation where I want to relate to them I want to emphasize with them, I want to bridge the gap between my understanding and experience and theirs but it almost always turns into a zero-sum game. I'm putting in energy and effort towards a goal as they are pretending to share the same interest. When someone is so desperate to have a meaningful connection it's easy to lure them into false sense of security. And from that point on you just have to keep the ruse up if you want to keep manipulating or using or scheming against them.
Now every time this year rolls around every ideal my grandma believed in, all those feelings of joy, all of those feelings of connectivity & togetherness aren't there. there's just a gaping hole, like a portal, a mirror into the past where I can see how I used to feel and what I used to believe. and I'm just staring into this hole, this echo, this fading memory. I know it's up to me now to create my own meaning, my own joy. I know it's up to me to be the bright shining beacon I was meant to be. It's just so hard to be that person, really embody it when I'm staring at a sea of apathetic, conniving faces. It's like a lighthouse beaming its light into an endless pit of darkness. And the insurmountable struggle to try to stay focused, to keep working towards something better and brighter is the most difficult thing I never tried to come to terms with.
Christmas is here again and Im staring into the void where meaning used to be. And I look over the last year and see all the trials and tribulations and challenges, all the mistakes, all my failures. I see all the times I've picked myself up, tried to do things differently, trying to be better than i was yesterday.
i don't want to feel that void inside overwhelm me and consume me with paralyzed agonuAnd I want to have hope that this is building up to something incredible.
I really want to believe that.
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