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Show & Tell
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Today's Document
will byers stan first human second

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@heartstomp

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I'm here again
that's how you feel
that's low you treat me
and it is all my fault
that's how I feel
that's how you treat me like
I don't want to be here
and
I don't want to feel this way
again
but here I am again
with you
silence
hello suspect
that's how you make me feel
that's how you always treated me
like it's my fault
and now I don't want to be here
I don't want to feel this way
but here i am again
with you
silence
suspect
hello
here comes the expected noise
static cuts into knifing
don't you know you think you're winning
time is and nothing matters?
ughn
I don't trust you, I don't like you
I'm not stupid.
I know I'm not wanted.
I follow the role I'm supposed to play
ive recited my lines
I've learned my preaching
I know whats expected of me
I know I'm not worthy
I am with you when what I'm there for
im playing my cards like
I know you have dealt them
I know I'm a joke to you
i know I'm not worthy.
I'm not stupid.
I hate being a coward.
I want to say that I don't care that you know too. that might be true. the worst part about reaching out for help is getting it. I wish I hadn't. i wish you had not replied. Why would you show me that you cared? It's not real. Your need for me to hang around is clearly selfish. You don't care. You say the nice things that anyone would want to hear because you know I like being lied to. I'm a little disappointed so you take so much pleasure in exploiting me. I wish you weren't so masterful with your push pull. And you couldn't just leave me waiting anxiously to hear from you so you could toy with my emotions again. oh no. You had to sell it hook, line and sinker.
I get it. It's fun for you. of course what you feel is incredibly important to hit me at every conceivable empathy plot point. of course. So you don't have to play dumb. you don't have to create a word salad of gibberish and sprinkle some conflicting, easily not explainable emotions for me to assume, defend, accept, reject, pacify and crucify on my own - I've got my own problems. but that's the point, how I feel is irrelevant. you need me to be submissive, eagerly ready for more from you regardless if all that is is complete bullshit and more purposely convoluted emotional nonsense.
So nothing you say is real. or everything you say is real but just not in context. when it comes to me. you're a helpless sufferer trying to be a good guy and do the right thing by doing exactly what you want to do stop telling everyone you wish there could be another way. I have to hand it to you. it's nearly impossible to attempt to try and play all sides but man, you do it with laser precision, a graceful almost effortless amount of mastery.
and I really wish I wasn't actually a coward. i wish i could follow through. there's no place for my idealism in this world. no one really wants to make anything better. people like suffering. people like losing. I wish I could put this needle in my arm, fearless and finally do an act of self love for once to finally end all this pain.
but no, i wait, like a yellow bellied coward. lying to myself just wanting to wait long enough to let you back in to hurt me more however you want to again.

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I don't like days like today. it's like the opposite of when things seemingly fall into place and go smoothly. everything is jarring and clunky. it's like this static and ever person I come into contact with it just pisses them off. it's hitting my triggers something fierce. i feel that panic, that sense of loss and abandonment and my brain starts scrambling to go into preserving/recovery mode. emotionally grabbing a hold to anything I can. even the bad. especially the bad. it's hard to feel like this and just be patient. it's so hard to believe that this is temporary that it is possible to try a different path and not succumb to these feelings of despair and overwhelming emptiness when it's how I've felt inside for 40 years. it's like on one side is the confronting the issues and the other side is complacency and ignoring them. and there's a tiny needle sized hole in between the two things. working towards that solution seems impossible, it feels like a neverending journey I can't complete no matter how hard I try. what do I do when I'm so exhausted from feeling this way and every where I turn makes it feel worse?
blah blah blah
this time of year always reminds me of my grandmother. Christmas was her favorite time of year and I wish you could have seen the absolute joy she would put into decorating and making candy. The amount of energy and passion she put into this holiday really meant a lot to me when I was a child. No matter what was going on in my life seeing someone gets so infused by the ideal of togetherness and merriment and joy really had a strong impact shaping my perception of how I see the world.
I know it goes without saying but it's really taking a lot of the light out of me since she's died. Going from having someone in your life that absolutely supports you and is behind you no matter what, that loves you unconditionally to then not is devastating.
I know how lucky i am. I know I've been given so many things in life that most people will never have. Most people won't have no matter how hard they work for it, or how hard they steal for it. I know.
there's this disconnect between me and other people when I try to relate my experiences to them the air I give off almost always make some reason makes them resentment and or malicious towards me.
I'm in this situation where I want to relate to them I want to emphasize with them, I want to bridge the gap between my understanding and experience and theirs but it almost always turns into a zero-sum game. I'm putting in energy and effort towards a goal as they are pretending to share the same interest. When someone is so desperate to have a meaningful connection it's easy to lure them into false sense of security. And from that point on you just have to keep the ruse up if you want to keep manipulating or using or scheming against them.
Now every time this year rolls around every ideal my grandma believed in, all those feelings of joy, all of those feelings of connectivity & togetherness aren't there. there's just a gaping hole, like a portal, a mirror into the past where I can see how I used to feel and what I used to believe. and I'm just staring into this hole, this echo, this fading memory. I know it's up to me now to create my own meaning, my own joy. I know it's up to me to be the bright shining beacon I was meant to be. It's just so hard to be that person, really embody it when I'm staring at a sea of apathetic, conniving faces. It's like a lighthouse beaming its light into an endless pit of darkness. And the insurmountable struggle to try to stay focused, to keep working towards something better and brighter is the most difficult thing I never tried to come to terms with.
Christmas is here again and Im staring into the void where meaning used to be. And I look over the last year and see all the trials and tribulations and challenges, all the mistakes, all my failures. I see all the times I've picked myself up, tried to do things differently, trying to be better than i was yesterday.
i don't want to feel that void inside overwhelm me and consume me with paralyzed agonuAnd I want to have hope that this is building up to something incredible.
I really want to believe that.
self-imploding
torn again
bruised flesh
ruptured capillaries
void swells as it preys
pouring over out all of me
these tattered muscles
wounded dreams
heart destroying
i now waiting
with enemies like this who needs apathy
this crowd is a joke
just like I am spoke about
by you in an instant
watch these cuts run down
pages like my self esteem
useful when I'm hurting
good to juxtapose your day
at least someone is laughing
at least someone is laughing
this head is a joke
just like my thoughts matter
to you every waking hour
helpful when you're wanted
watch this blood course down
mixing with gasoline
pulsing bright fire
lips speak any but my name
this terrorism obfuscating
yet still not clever
oh you're not "playing" dumb
cops and robbers time
but all I see are crooks
with badges, in wigs, in backed corners
I've stopped shouting, you happy now
I've stopped feeling, you fetid now
I've stopped giving, you dying now
you're all shitty liars
each and every pointless one of you
so don't stop, please keep the act up
if you don't remember then I won't tell
your truth is too mundane
while you drown your suffering
in the easiest cheapest vices
you can beg, borrow or steal
tomorrow doesn't exist

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any to the
thing numb pain through
i know somewhere
some time, in some place
we are happy
and you come free
somehow, maybe like
i will refrain
and i stop crashing
seems to me
be to a
way stutter
don't
used to know
who are you
and why are you here?
but you don't know
and you can't answer
then what do you believe in
or what you stand for?
yet you still don't know
and you still can't answer
I'm noticing a theme here
cause most of the people I used to know
aren't anymore
cause I don't know you
and you don't either
rise and sine
wake up
out of your head
a new day is dawning
you're going to die
don't fear
this is a mercy killing
release from the pain
justifiable prefix-cide
shut up, shut down
get out of their mercy
nobody loves you
like nobody needs you
cause nobody wants you
so nobody cares if you live or die
good morning
play me, despite it
your sense of worth
crawls my skin to the sleeves
how could you disknow how I acted
you in this sense a corpse
respected through the motions only
still empty inside all still
we are selfish, our supernova tantrum
blame justifying defend
all this precious self loathing
for one shred of fakeness
everything we can't give ourselves
dishearten me
excruciate me
oops, i revealed honesty
emboldened hope, feeling and chemistry
and that's frightening you of me
how can i relate?
how can i sell my chicanery?
without this terrific vulnerability
on display?
oh, a perceived weakness
better capitalize on it
before someone else can
have my cake and abuse it too
dog eat dog symmetry

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
impressed upon anyone
no-
say the words
blink three times
the effect is affecting
quickly to submit
easy just breakdown
please repeat after everyone
practice makes duller
gesture to report mimicry
engineering master
now
pace the steps
close your mouth
the cause is absolution
need to conform
simple to only enervate
when fire hesitates the gasoline
I'm sure there's something real inside of there
but no one has seen it yet