liberated

I'm currently rewatching Grey's Anatomy from the beginning and I'm on season 2 right now- there are TWENTY SEVEN episodes in this season. That's so crazy. More than 12 episodes a seaosn is so rare these days.

over the last 8 years or so, I have been coming to terms with the fact that the faith I grew up is no longer what is best for me. I have felt my connection to pentecostalism and the charismatic gospel fade as each day, week, month, year passes. In fact, in retrospect, I doubt I had any connection to it all. I never got baptised nor did I ever take a purity pledge. I grew disinterested in the youth ministry by the time I was 16. And by the time I reached 18, I lost interest in church all together.

These days, attending services feels like such a chore. I just never know what the pastor will say that could trigger me. I cannot seem to engage with the authoritarian, patriarchal theology that is proudly preached from the pulpit at my church. This is the church I grew up in. But I feel like I have grown so much both physically and spiritually. Now everytime I hear teachings about submissive wives or dangerous harlots, I can feel my heart shrivel up in my chest out of disgust. Did God really create me to be some man's appendage? What was the purpose of my well-rounded education if I was not to be a fully fledged person on my own? What if I was born to be a leader in my family? Should I disregard the gifts God has given me because the "Bible" says I cannot have authority over men?

It’s Sunday and again I got to have my mornings free from church indoctrination. My soul feels so much more at peace when I don’t have to attend a Sunday service. Every time I step into a church it feels like my insides are at war. Christians would interpret that as the Devil preventing me from being in the presence of the Lord. Whatever that means. But I don’t think it’s the devil. I think I have been able to open my mind up and expand my beliefs beyond the fundamentalist system I was raised in. I was raised to be loyal to the church. I was raised to believe in corporate worship. I was raised to believe that the people who stand at the pulpit and preach for 40 minutes are messengers of god. These beliefs do not sit well with me. Because they are often accompanied by hateful messages laced with homophobia and misogyny. A woman isn’t a person in the eyes of the church. Neither is a queer person. I cannot boldly and proudly follow in a faith that constantly denies people their humanity. 

For me, Christianity is not a religion. I look at it as a chance to have a relationship with the One who was willing to die so that you could live. Is it all about praying and reading the bible? No. There's no point in that if you don't mediate on what God is telling you. A religion. No. A relationship. Yes. It's a way of life. A lifestyle. People say Jesus can't expect you change. But in actual fact, when you accept Him, that's what is supposed to happen.

When Jesus becomes part of You, he influences the way you live. He takes you for the good and for the bad. He doesn't judge you. Why? Because you repented. You agreed to give your life to Him and for that, all the bad things you did and all your burdens are now his responsibility. He's the one who bore the punishment and He's willing to save you. But this salvation only comes when you accept.