heart, mind, music, fear

I have felt since the beginning that I followed the wrong path. Ten years ago I decided to apply to University, pursuing business. Business was never my thing. I was just good at it. How is a 17 year old supposed to decide what they want to do with the rest of their life? I saw the money and I said, cool. Yeah, I guess programs realistically don’t matter much anymore unless you’re truly specializing. But what I’m passionate about now, my love of nature ...I don’t even begin to hit prerequisite requirements if for some god awful reason I felt like shoveling money back into a degree. Forestry, geography, climate. My Bachelor of Business degree gets my nowhere. Enough bitching. The choice was mine. I made it.

Now, I’m at a crossroads. My discontent clearly indicates a need for change. There are two types of change I can follow. The first is a change of perception. Can I accept the current path I am on, the person I am becoming? Can I quiet my mind and calm my soul, that it’s okay to be mediocre? Can I be happy enough with an average job, a place in the mountains, a love of video games and nature and experience them as a hobby, and nothing more. I might become overweight, I might not. Right now exercise isn’t a thing. I just want to go home, have a beer and hangout. I don’t know if it’s enough for me. My idea of fulfillment seems to go beyond that. What am I supposed to do? Games are my passion. I love to play. There is no middle ground between it and me, unfortunately. If I’m playing, I’m playing a lot.

The second is a change of action. I can quit (for the most part) gaming. All the hype and excitement I’ve felt for Classic World of Warcraft, I can toss it. I can commit to being better and leaving this all behind. Better is mainly more exercise and getting into the mountains, which I still do. But this would allow me so much more time to pursue a more fulfilling career, a chance to create a business or find an alternate source of income.

The third is another change of action. I could learn how to stream, and try to make money playing games. I don’t believe this is a valid option. Both because I don’t want the attention and it’s incredibly difficult to break into.

I’m no closer to figuring it out after writing it all out. I’ve tried balancing it all, and it seems it topples so easily. It is also incredibly valid that I need to try much harder.

And then I come to love. I still feel deep sadness about a former longtime partner. Gods, what a colossal fuck up. I relive those empty days I spent in our apartment, cleaning it out after you were long gone. I relive the moments I thought weren’t so bad but were terrible. You’ve made it clear we have no romantic future together. All I can do is try to be better, and I have been. But the pain remains. A shadow on my soul.

Since then, I’ve felt cursed. Failed attempts at girlfriends. Two, maybe three chances at something really great. All down the drain for reasons out of my control. Distance, history, and age difference. But one, history. We got drinks the other day and I didn’t remember what it was like to truly laugh until we spent time together again. You said it yourself, you have never communicated with someone as you have with me. And yet you have never loved and been accepted by someone as much as the man you are with now. Our timing never worked. I helped you out of an abusive relationship and you worked your way into my heart when you should not have. I have paid the price, two fold. I lost you both. I wish you all the happiness. I will never intervene. I still love you.

Ms. Age Difference. You’re younger. You have the whole world ahead of you. Sometimes I feel guilty. I feel like I’m inadvertently making you grow up too fast. Miss important things. Make dumb mistakes. You make them anyways, though. You’ve now emotionally cheated on me three times. I judged your remorse to be heartfelt this last time, more than the others. You asked for one more chance and I gave it. I think because I felt I deserved it. I have made mistakes too. Karma knocking at my door in the realest form. 

oh, what shall i do

ever stagnant in the arms of technology