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I always am up front about not wanting to talk dirty or send nudes or things like that. I don’t like doing sexual stuff unless I really trust the person and am really close to them. I’m a recovering people pleaser so it’s hard for me to say no, I just want to be treated nicely and I feel like the cost of that is doing things I’m uncomfortable with. I feel like so often I end up guilted into doing shit that I said no to. I set some boundaries today and mostly stuck to them and I’m proud of myself cuz it was really hard to do. Still feels shitty to be completely disregarded like that.

And I’m not shaming anyone for being sexual with whomever they want whenever they want if both parties are into it! I think that’s great! If you like dirty talk then talk it up! It just fucking triggers me when I say what I’m comfortable with and seem to be understood and before I know it the guy is going come on please please, you shouldn’t have gotten me so horny if you didn’t want to.

Like I know I’m a little unconventional in my needs, I get that. Maybe it’s because of trauma. It’s definitely because of trauma.

I want to be cuddled and nurtured and treated gently and respectfully and maybe i shouldn’t impose that on guys, maybe it’s cruel to deny them? Maybe I owe them for being nice to me all the other time? He said he’s so desperate, it’s been so long since he’s gotten off. Sent an unsolicited dick pic and followed up by asking for nudes because “I showed you mine” “I won’t tell anyone come on” I even caved and sent a bra pic but that wasn’t enough!

Like fuck man that hurts my feelings. Is it selfish of me to want that? Like maybe sexually gratifying the guy is the price I need to pay to be treated nicely. Maybe I’m spoiled and asking for too much without giving in return. I’m gonna end up being the mean one for saying no after he’s hot and bothered even though I didn’t initiate.

Just fucking be gentle with me! I want to be held without the expectation of sex. I’ll have sex once I feel comfortable and intimate enough with you! Which requires some time of not having sex and being nice to me! I don’t want a “daddy” per se, but I need a nurturing dynamic to feel happy and safe.