A Collection of Random Thoughts

Write what you feel, they say. So here I am. I feel like I cannot talk about what I feel with people. People who are close to me that we call friends. People who are even closer like our families. But you see, most of them might consider what’ll I say petty. Or some will even say I was just being over dramatic. Maybe overthinking or stress is taking over, I don’t know. That’s why I am writing this.

I am 24 years old. I use to have fun being alone. Reading is my passion and I could go on for years enjoying the cozy feeling of having these imaginary characters I have in mind. I find it peaceful. Less complex. Then I met people. People who are friendly enough and they’ve recruited me in their circle. Their fun to be with. I never thought I was able to socialize with people with different personalities. Years have gone by, we’re still pretty rock solid.

We consider ourselves siblings from different parents. We crashed each other’s homes, spending overnight watching movies and laughing endlessly. I admit they I find our group the coolest. It’s really a first for me, to have these kinds of people. But change is the only constant thing in this world. I didn’t say that I didn’t change too. I am a believer of good and ideal things. I thought I’ve gotten myself a lasting friendship but I found a few people whose egos are bigger than their heads. I don’t want to be mean with my words. I was just letting the darkness pour out of me. I don’t want to ponder on negativity every day and these thoughts kept on bothering day by day. Their lies started to cloud my trust in them. Their hypocrisy has left me rolling my eyes. There’s a Japanese method of repairing things called Kintsugi wherein they repair broken things using gold and the philosophy behind it tells us to recognize the history of the object and to visibly incorporate the repair into the new piece instead of disguising it. (Collosal, 2014) But instead of repairing broken things, they just added piles and piles of breakage that eventually caused a great damage that was beyond repair. They started to treat me indifferently. They started to blame me with things I’ve taken care of since they were not there to do it. I was being responsible because they left me hanging in the air with nothing to ask for help. Then I started to trust myself that I can do it alone. But after I succeeded, I ended up feeding with their rants about how boastful I am, that I didn’t coordinate things with them, that I didn’t let them know. I want to shout that I did. I was literally crying out for help but no one answered. There is no one but me so I did finish it. Not for me. For us. But here they are, raving about me taking all the credits when I’m not even saying a word. I was mad, really mad at them, for not understanding me. For not thinking how much struggle I put on, all the efforts I went through to be responsible. I was mad because all the colors I see before all turned gray, and darker and darker. And then I started to think, hey maybe it was really me. Maybe I did say something horrible. Maybe I did nag about things. Maybe I was the bossy one. Maybe I am the boastful friend. Maybe I have been egotistical without noticing. Maybe, unconsciously, I was really wrong.

Days. Weeks. Months. I was busy with work. And every extra-curricular things many people have ask me to do. I happily obliged. I want to be productive. I want to bring the color in my life again. I want to be busy to forget all the negative thing that suddenly pop out of my mind. I want to move on and forget all the bad things that happened. It seems like they are as well. So I think were okay. But as I see us  talking, laughing, eating or just walking together, I feel this kind of sorrow I cannot put a name on. I walk with them in silence. They might ask me things about the weather or what are we gonna do next, yes I will answer, trying to build up a conversation, but those talks don’t mean so much of a conversation to me. I feel like they were just talking to me for the sake of talking. I feel like I have friends then none at the same time. It seems like if there are problems ever happen, it’s always my fault. Because I am this and I am that. And they use to point their fingers to me as well. So I self-proclaimed myself as the black sheep of the group. I oftentimes heard them talking behind my back. So I self-analyzed myself, what is really wrong with me. How horrible person did I turn out to be? I want to contemplate things and get clear answers. I want to spend my time in silence but whenever I didn’t say a word, they always think I’m angry. But whenever they are angry, I’m trying to reach out. None of them did that to me. None of them asked what’s wrong. I did not hear a single sorry with utmost sincerity. I heard a lot of sorrys though, but  with a mix of sarcasm and bitterness. None of them asked me what happened. I was asking for help only to get seenzoned. And then I ended up working myself, without sleep and eat and rest. I even forgot to drink.

As of now, I really think that it is me, all along, that is the bad one. I think I lost the cool. I think they didn’t even care about me. They just need me when they need my help. Like always, I will happily oblige. It’s not a good feeling. I want to be free of the toxicity and negativity. But again, they will think my thought are petty and will not pay attention. So there.

I just want to tell my friends that I feel like you’re all being hypocrite to me so if you don’t want me at all, tell me so I can get out as fast as I could. Before I could lose all the trust and respect you’re all talking about.