Headspace.

I’m not sure how to start this. I feel like I only write on here when something is really wrong. I should stop doing this but am I trying to justify my relationship again?

Today I met with my childhood best friends in the new area where I live. We attended a wedding fayre as my best friend is getting married in 2025.

This morning, I woke up early. As usual and gave my partner a kiss, nothing different to usual. He stirred so I asked him how he slept. He then told me that his foot was bad, and he didn’t sleep. As he suffers with gout, I got ready for my day and went to the shops at 10am, I wanted to ensure he had a healthy breakfast as gout is caused by bad food. I bought punnets of fruit, fresh yoghurt, and baked croissants. I came back to the flat and prepared the food ready for him to wake.

When it was ready, I took his fresh OJ and healthy breakfast up to him. He was still fast asleep at that point and clearly was not ready to get up. I left it on his bedside table.

When my friends messaged me and let me know they were outside, I went up and kissed his forehead and let him know that I was leaving. He then came downstairs with his breakfast and turned the TV on. I was glad to see that he was awake.

I went off to the wedding fayre with my friend. From my previous blog posts, you will know that I was married, and I am now divorced. It was a bittersweet feeling being in that happy environment but of course I would help my best friend. Whilst there, my partner and I exchanged a few messages. All jokey but nevertheless, it was communication.

After the wedding fayre, we went for a drink in a local bar. It was lovely to catch up and just chat about life with a couple of drinks. Long story short, they had to leave at 14:30 due to prior commitments. I texted my boyfriend to ask him if he would meet up with us all for a quick drink. He declined, but in a way that was offensive. I have been with him for nearly 10 months, and he has not met my friend in person once.

This isn’t the first time he has refused to spend time with my loved ones. In fact, this is a huge worry for me as this has happened on multipul occasions where I am left at a family event, with my brothers and sisters with their partners and I am sitting alone. Of course, defending him being ‘Unwell or Tired.’

After my friends left, I messaged my boyfriend and asked him if he wanted to go for a drink together. He said yes and came to collect me from the bar. We went to another place for a drink. He went to take a picture of me and put it on social media, I asked him not to add it as I felt that I had to tell my friends that he wouldn’t come meet us because he had a bad foot. He then asked me why I lied to my friends and just say that he didn’t meet us because he didn’t want to and could be arsed. Obviously, I would never say that to my friends or family, and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. As any NORMAL person would. I only do this to protect him. Or even, protect me, from future judgement.

Because I had; had a drink, I confronted him to ask him why he doesn’t often make the effort for my friends and family where he told me that I should just tell the truth. So basically, tell them that he doesn’t want to be around them. How the hell can I sit there and say that?

Now, I’m so torn and so worried. I feel like I’m being segregated because I want to spend time with him. It’s painful, I’m getting lost in all of this. Everything I say, I think about what I’m going to say first, just in case it upsets him and we argue. Things also get turned around on me, like its my fault. How do I get past this. I love him, I’ve moved in with him but my god, I’ve lost myself.

The worst thing is, if we break up, I genuinely feel like he will be fine and just happily move on. I would be the one in pieces. I hold on for that little bit of hope and there’s times where I see it but times when I don’t.

It seems like Sunday blogging is becoming my thing. It’s like the weeks events all boils down to the one day that I can truly reflect on how I feel.

I actually had something to look forward to this week which was supposed to be today.

On a Monday at work, people sit, sip their hot drink and make small talk about what they got up to on the weekend. Last Monday, I heard how one of my colleagues went to a lovely restaurant and spent the day child free enjoying their partners company. It raised a question in me as if to say… “Why don’t I have those nice moments to talk about on a Monday?”

Most evenings afterwork consist of a glass of wine, cans of beer and hours of watching The Chase before bed. In the summer, we were active and out walking. I honestly cannot wait for those days again where it stays light, maybe it will bring us closer.

I sent my partner a message and suggested that we arrange a long overdue date day soon. Which happen to fall on today. I suggested bowling and some lunch somewhere. To be honest, it’s not even the activities I was pushing for, it was the quality time alone together. On Saturday, we discussed a plan to potentially get the 9:40 train to Liverpool, visit the natural history museum and grab some lunch with a voucher we had received for Christmas.

So naturally, as he seemed keen, my hopes were high and I was super excited but in the back of my mind, it was like I already knew this wasn’t going to happen. I had felt this anticipation before and had something get in the way. It’s like I emotionally prepared myself for hurdle to stop this from happening.

This morning, I woke up early trying hard not to wake him from his deep sleep. Crept downstairs to get ready and sort the dogs out with breakfast etc. I did my makeup and hair with the knowing of going out to a nice restaurant together and potential photo memories being taken. I left him sleeping quite late, the past 2 nights he had been struggling with his sinuses so he needed as much rest as possible.

I watched the clock once ready, I had gotten ready 2 hours in advance to ensure that as soon as he was up and ready we could go. As the clock moved forward, we reached 9:30am. I knew the Liverpool plan would not be going ahead but was hopeful for a later start to do something else.

He eventually came downstairs, and from the moment I saw him, it was confirmed that we were not going to be doing anything. It looked like he hadn’t slept. Like I said, I had prepared myself for this to happen so I just suggested we stay at home and forget the plan. It's as if I had come to terms with this, way before it was even spoken about.

We did manage to get to the supermarket for some weekly supplies but the whole time, I could see that he was irritated and wanted to just get home. To be honest, I picked up on this and just wanted to get back myself.

Jump to now, he’s in bed. Clearly exhausted and not well. I was laying next to him, I turned to kiss his head whilst he lay there, the only physical contact we’d had all day. He mumbled, “Stop smothering me.” With that sentence, I was gone.

This weekend feels a little different from most. On Friday, my boyfriend threw it into conversation that he could no longer take the time off that we planned to go away for in February. Even though, he had originally booked the accommodation back in December.

It may seem like nothing but for someone who doesn’t have a life (me) Those are the things that you hold onto. Small moments where it will just be me and him. I had all intentions to pay for the whole trip but something is telling me, it’s the time with me that he doesn’t want.

After the turmoil and trauma of being blindsided from my ex husband, who can blame me for questioning everything. Maybe I need to start therapy again. It’s like when people say “Oh you look so happy”… Am I though?

Most of the time, I would say yes. But how can I be when I some days I question whether I am truly loved. I feel like all I do, it pussyfoot around, making the effort to send nice messages through the day. I feel like I’m trying to always reach out to get that loving warm feeling which is what I should be feeling.

I don’t know, just simple things like being affectionate and making me feel wanted is all I want.

Instead, its usually just jokes and the odd jokey insult, no kisses at the end of messages. Those sorts of messages make me read into everything. I get that empty feeling of not being worthy enough of affection at times.

Yesterday, he had to work for a few hours in the morning. In the afternoon I met him from work and we spent some time alone together which was lovely. However, I felt like I was over analysing everything from, conversations to movements.

I am finding myself immersing into reading at the moment as a form of quieting down my mind. TV can be very loud and can over shadow thoughts.

This morning was a strange one for me. My boyfriend had pre-arranged to meet his friend for a few hours. This left me alone with time to think. My thoughts were so intrusive that I forced myself out the front door, put my headphones in and just power walked. I had nowhere to go, no goal to achieve, I just needed to escape. Escape from my own thoughts. I walked for 5 miles and headed back to the apartment I now share with him. He had texted, but I turned my phone to aeroplane mode, to not be disturbed whilst out. I just wanted headspace from everyone, including myself.

I genuinely just wanted to figure out what was going on in my head.

Jump to now: I still don’t know.

So its currently 22:21. I’m sat on the sofa, in my boyfriends apartment where I now contribute to the rent/bills.

My partner is currently upstairs, tucked in bed. Snoring his head off peacefully. I’m currently on the sofa downstairs, freezing in a tiny throw. Yes, it was my decision to do so but GOD.. I haven’t slept properly in days due to period pains and restless overthinking nights.

As we are falling asleep in bed, his dog jumps up on the bed. She is heavy and doesn’t stay still for one minute. Usually, he tells her to get off and get in her bed. Due to the bed being only of double size. It’s a squeeze with just us usually.

Because he’s had a drink tonight, and I don’t know.. Maybe is angry at me for something. God knows what. He tells me that if I want her off the bed, I need to tell her and get her down. He knows full well that she doesn’t listen to me or my gestures. So he falls asleep peacefully allowing her to stay there because HE is her master NOT me. He tells me that before we starting dating, she always slept on the bed.

Before now, this wasn’t an issue. Is he now growing tired of me?

The way I see it, the only time me and my partner get time alone is in bed. The only time we can cuddle without the dogs trying to get between us out of jealously and lack of attention. For me, its an important time. The only time where sometimes, I actually feel like a girlfriend.

I tried to settle but I cannot stand (he knows this) when something is trapping my legs. I feel claustrophobic in bed. Obviously, she is laying across my legs. She is heavy and weighty. I have very little strength as it is. Its like she knows what fucks me off. I can’t move my legs and start to panic. At this point I start to tear up, I’m in a cross fire with my boyfriends dog and my boyfriends feelings.

I always make sure I put his feelings first, even if that means my own are sacrificed. I don’t know, maybe I just let it happen as if I need to in case he leaves me. I feel like I’m always having to search for validation in this relationship which I’ve never had to do before. I always make sure he is prioritised before my own wishes because that what I thought a relationship was about. Maybe I have this all wrong?

What’s wrong with me. Am I push over? Am I settling after the divorce from fear?

I feel like an idiot because I really love this guy. I’ve moved in with him for fucksake, but at what point do I get to have a say?!

My heart hurts, it feels heavy. I’m laying on the sofa shivering at this point whilst he’s oblivious knowing he won’t even notice I’m not there until the morning. I feel sick with my feelings. I just wish he would pick up on these feelings rather than waiting for me to say something and then start an argument about them.

Since my last post, there has been a few significant changes in my life. My new relationship is still going well, we've even hit 6 months which I never believed would be possible after so much heartbreak in previous relationships.

Since me and my partner have been together, we have been on a holiday abroad, met each others families and even made the decision to move in together. I think the world of him and love him dearly. These are big leaps of faith for us both but so far it's working. Don't get me wrong, its not all been plain sailing. Whilst getting to know each other better, we've had a few and quite firey arguments. One of which resulted in me walking back to my parent’s house in tears. We both said things we didn't mean but it still hurt. To this day, I often replay what he said to me in my head. We both apologised and moved on from it knowing how much was on the line after how far we both have come. I hate the thought of us loosing each other over something so stupid.

The arguments do seem to be alcohol fuelled but I suppose, speaking for myself, that's when my guard comes down and my feelings come out. In most instances where something is said or I'm overthinking a situation, I won't speak up to save the drama. So, when I drink, I open up my heart and the tears start falling.

When something is bothering me, I've been encouraged to talk about it by my therapist, so I have been trying to work on it for some time now. I am not one to sit on an argument and fall asleep. I always want it to be resolved before we wake up the next day and the only way to do that is to talk it out. My boyfriend, however, is a closed book. With any conflict between us, he shuts down. Closes me out and will easily fall asleep and request to forget it all the next day.

Whilst forgetting it is good and a sign of moving on from it to me I feel that we are not moving past it. Those issues will resurface and relive again and again.

I have been asked to move into his flat with him at the end of January. I'm excited knowing that we can build our own space together and for my doggy to join me. My only worry is that it's such a small apartment that if an argument does arise, there is no other rooms to retreat to if we need space. And for him, I know this is what he wants when he's overwhelmed.

I'm sure it will all work out. I need to tame my over-active mind which is much easier typed than done.

On the plus side, 2 days ago, I had the news of which I've been waiting for since what feels like forever! I am now officially and legally divorced. When that email came through and I took it in. I immediately felt like a huge, heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Even though, I have no contact with my NOW ex-husband, I always felt like he still had control of me somehow just by that stupid piece of paper. Just another manipulation technique added to the huge list. Honestly, it feels like such a relief knowing that part of my life is NEARLY closed.

I say nearly because until my surname has been changed by Deed poll back to my maiden name, it will be a constant reminder of him. Now I'm back on social media, I ensured that my maiden name was public because I just don't want to be associated with that part of my life anymore.

We are nearly at the end of August and so much has been going on to catch up on. On my last post, I spoke about opening myself up and pushing myself out to meet people. I was on a dating app trying to speak to new people and find a connection.

There were multiple failed attempts and I soon realised that online dating is a total minefield. I struggled to open up and let my guard down for so long, even just by going to meet people for a walk or a coffee. It felt totally unnatural to me. I still felt like I was doing something wrong. My ex husband and I are currently finalising the divorce with no contact what so ever, so I really shouldnt be punishing myself for trying to be happy.

After a terrible experience on a date I was almost ready to give up. Truly.

Then, I began getting to know someone, as you do on these online dating apps. We had a bit of small talk over the app and soon moved the conversation to WhatsApp. The conversation went on for a few days, constant talking and 'Get to know each other' questions. We had so much in common I almost found it intimidating. Never the less, I didn't want it to hold me back.

As the chats were going so well, we had arranged to meet up for a first date on the Saturday. This was the same week we had started talking. I would usually feel those reservations but I felt comfortable talking to him.

Saturday arrived and it was time for us to meet. We had arranged to meet in a local place and then he would drive us to a place for a walk together. The nerves started to kick in as I was walking up to the meeting spot. All those thoughts going through my head such as:

What if he doesn't like me?

What if he finds me boring?

What if I look bad?

There were moments walking up to the meeting spot which I very nearly turned back around and went home. I've been known to do this before. The reassurance was that we seem to have had a connection over message.

I finally got to the meeting space, the walk felt like ages but it's literally down the road, 5 mins max! The nerves were a killer. As I got there, I could see him getting out of the car and walking towards me. I can't explain it but I felt at ease, we smiled at each other and gave each other a hug. We grabbed what we needed from the shop, got in the car and off we went. It was calm, conversation flowed and it just felt nice.

We got to the walk and without going into to much detail, we walked around 5 miles and just had constant conversations about life, experiences and each other. He had brought his dog along for the walk who seemed to be having the time of her life on the walk!

After our walk around the route, he suggested that we go to a small local cute down for a wander and a drink. It was a Beautiful sunny day and we clearly didn't want the day to end.

All through the date, I felt lighter, a sense of happiness and excitement to finally have potentially met someone like this. I sat back at times where we were sitting close and hoped that he liked me and wanted to kiss me. He was very respectful and didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. I just thought that maybe I wasn't what he had expected but their was a spark in him that lead me to believe, he did like me.

On the drive home, we realised that we had spend a full 8 hours together on our first date. It didn't feel that way, time went so quick. As we neared to my house for me to be dropped off, I thought if I don't show him how I feel, I will regret it. The car stopped outside my house and as we went in for a hug, I went in for a kiss. I've never been so bold if I'm honest but it felt right.

I went into the house, feeling like I've not felt in a very long time. We exchanged conversation through the evening and even arranged to meet up again the next day.

Jump to today and we have been dating for just over 2 months. So I can say, I have a boyfriend. (Cringey to say, I know) We have met each others parents and spent almost everyday together. It feels like a whirlwind but it feels right. We have a lot in common but many differences at the same time. Both of us are Gemini which can be a deadly combination but clearly there is a bond which is special. I just hope he feels it too.

Since my last post, I have now picked up my life and moved it to the North Wales Coast. Back in with my parents, left my old rented houses behind and all my belongings are now in storage. I moved back in November, at first it was a wild rush in finding a job after my surgery. I did countless interviews and got a few rejection letters but I finally got offered a administration position with a local authority. It was a totally different career move but the flexibility of working from home and building up time off was worth it.

Then we reach December. What a month. Everyone was excited for the run up to Christmas. I was looking forward to a Christmas surrounded by my family after last years Christmas alone. However, everything reminded me of him. From decorations, to music, to seeing gifts that I knew he would have liked. It was so hard. It got to a point where I couldn’t hold back the tears from my eyes. I eventually went to see the doctor, they put me back on my meds and I started that dreaded process yet again. I held on and pushed through though. I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns even if there was some weaker moments.

As we moved into the new year from the sadness that was Christmas, things started to feel a lot better. I focused on work, making new friends around here and totally not thinking about having any relationships. By doing so, I ended up being away from home every weekend meeting up with various friends for drinks, gatherings etc. It kept my mind busy and I always had something to look forward to. I spent most of my life on trains.

By the end of April, I sat and reflected on everything. Where my life has ended up now. Why was I holding onto him still?

I took the leap and made that jump to file for divorce…

A whole year and 4 months of reflection and thinking, maybe a part of me was hoping that I could forgive what he did to me. I really had to look at myself in the mirror to find out that I will always love him dearly but I am no longer in love with him anymore. Even saying that out loud still hurts, he was my best friend, my everything. I devoted my whole life to him during our relationship and marriage. It was time to let go, I was only hurting both of us by dragging this out.

I picked up the phone and had that difficult conversation with him. We came to an agreement that it had to be done for both of our sakes. I will never stop loving him as a person and I only want the absolute best for that man but would I have ever seen past what he did to me.

Jump to today and now I’m starting to see a lot clearer. I’m working on building up my confidence and pushing myself out there. I’m still spending time with friends and making the most of any free time I have. I went on my first date only 2 weeks ago. Safe to say, that was an experience. It didn’t work out but that’s ok, it was totally impractical with us being in different points in our lives.

Lets just start by saying, I had a calling to put my moldavite pendant back on. It’s charged and its on. Here we go…

Changes have happened and many changes are coming. With September 25th new moon came new challenges and adventures for me. Some scary but some exciting.

On my previous post, I had just been made redundant from my Sales role, feeling lost and worthless amongst all of the health issues going on in my life. After my biopsy, I had the amazing news that what they had found was not cancerous but would like to remove the lump anyway. This is now booked in for November time. During this time, I was also called into the hospital for tests to investigate my period and why since the age of 14 it has caused me such serious chronic pain. My results for this came back last week and indicated that I had Adenomyosis. Similar to Endometriosis. Endometriosis usually refers to the presence of endometrial tissue outside of the uterus whilst Adenomyosis is the presence of endometrial tissue growing within the muscle itself.

It was the biggest sigh of relief knowing that the chronic debilitating monthly pain, fainting and the inability to do normal things was NOT normal like previous doctors had told me. I was always made to feel like I was over reacting when in fact, I definitely wasn’t.

The 25th September was my 3rd wedding anniversary without him. It was a surreal day. Whilst I feel much stronger when not thinking about everything that happened, I couldn't help but reflect that day. But I got through it, I am on the other side, until next year. Who knows where I will be. 

After loosing my job back in July, I had 2 weeks of sorting my appointments out, arranging the house and searching for jobs. I had no luck at all on the job front, I felt like no one wanted me or I was not good enough.

Until I had a call from my previous company (The one who had made me redundant) offering me an alternative position for me to come back. At first, I had my reservations about it all. My anxiety kicked in, What would people say about me? Do I look weak for going back to somewhere which just dumped me?

It was a case of going back and having a job to pay my house bills or just sit around and keep waiting. I took it and went back. It wasn’t too bad, It helped that I knew everyone there already so I got a warm welcome but with a whole new team. My work load definitely doubled but so did everyone elses, it’s a challenge over all but I don’t mind it so much.

As with everyone now, the rising cost of living is rising at an alarming rate. So much so that its really impacting my free time and what I can and cannot afford to do. After some thought on this I have decided to pack up my things and move in with my dad away from this town. I have arranged for my furniture to go into a storage locker and have cleared out a lot of items to the charity shop.

I have handed in my notice to work, I feel awful because I’ve only been back there under 2 months since the rehire but I'm not leaving on bad terms. I told my landlord that I will be moving as well. He was understanding of the situation as it really cant be helped. Its happening to more people around my age than I originally realised. At first, I felt such shame and embarrassment. This is not where I imagined I would be at age 30, married yet single, going back to live with parents. Its been 18 years since I last lived with my parents so this could be a huge adjustment.

However, I feel strong and positive about this change. Whilst saying at my dads house, I will be able to learn to drive, save money and still have money left over to have a life!

Since my last few posts I have had a few big updates and changes to my life.

To start off with, I had my appointment come through for the lump in my breast. This was on Monday so I made my way to the hospital after doing a half day in work. I walked from my home in 28 degree heat. It was horrendous, by the time I got to the hospital I was exhausted, burnt and dizzy! I got called into my appointment early which was great. The doctor on duty examined me and confirmed that this needed to be looked at urgently. Unfortunately, there was no consultant on duty to talk to and no one to perform an ultrasound. They told me I had to go home and go back the next day.

To say I was upset was an understatement after that horrible walk, booking a half day off work and then being delivered that news. Of course, I had to text my manager and let her know that I wouldn’t be in that morning. I was so anxious sending that text, I didn’t want them to think I was skiving for interviews etc. It didn’t help that I had bad heatstroke when I got home, so had about 1 hour of sleep!

The next morning I made my way to the hospital. I sat in the waiting room of the dedicated cancer unit, I was the only one there under 50. There were people having treatment and it was deadly silent. I got called into the office, was asked to put on a gown and then to lay on a bed. The room was dark, hot and I stared at all the medical equipment in there wondering what would be used on me.

The doctor came in with a nurse, they were both so lovely. The ultrasound started. The doctor confirmed that she could see the problem and then proceeded to tell me that there is many lumps in the breast, more than their originally was back in 2018 with my first operation. The decision was made to do a biopsy. This is when I started to panic. Needles and procedures really worry me and I began to cry. I was so embarrassed and asked the nurse to hold my hand. To be fair to both of them, they were amazing with me. They calmed me with my situation. The anaesthetic was administered, at this point I was already crying! To cut a long story short, I had to have 3 separate biopsy samples, which was very unpleasant. But I did it, all by myself and I was proud!

I have a meeting next Wednesday with my consultant. He is the guy that performed my surgery the first time around. After all of the worry and stress I feel more at ease for now.

Yesterday was Friday 15th, I had my meeting with work who unfortunately confirmed I was being made redundant. I went in for 10.30am and I was redundant by 10.45 with no need to return to work. I’m finding it hard to describe how I feel about it all now because its so fresh. The only way to describe it at this moment would be I feel useless. I have been applying for jobs for around 3 weeks with no luck. Its so disheartening.

The news of the overturning of Roe vs Wade is probably the most unsettling news for any woman that’s heard about it. How is it that in 2022 a group of religious, radicalised individuals can decide on a woman’s reproductive rights. To think that men would have any idea of what it means to be scared, alone and have no say in your own body and what that would feel like. Since hearing the story break, I felt angry. No, sorry, Furious. Imagine being that vulnerable young girl, being put in a situation where you have no where or no one to turn to. Feeling like you have no choice.

These even effects those poor women that are having ectopic pregnancies and complications, knowing that by giving birth it could put their own life’s at risk. You can’t imagine holding onto that information and knowing that you and your child may both be at risk of dying.

How can a group of men stand outside an abortion clinic and shout profanities to those poor people going through what already is such a distressing time. And for what? God? Religion is truly the root of all evil. To be quite honest with you, a part of me believes that religion is just a cover up for a select group of men believing that they can control and manipulate women in society. Misogyny is alive and well around the world, we all know it.

How can a god dictate that a man cannot love a man? A woman cannot love a woman? What a load of nonsense. Love is love. How in this day and age can this backwards mindset still exist in our progressive society? In some states in America, schools are told not to teach about same sex parents as it is deemed inappropriate. Yet in that same state, getting hold of a gun is rather civilised. It blows my mind to think the people in charge can even think like this. Same with allowing people to make choices on their own bodies. If a girl or woman is raped, how can we stand by and punish that poor victim further by telling her to carry a creation of her rapist? There is nothing godly about it, its torture.

I, myself am based in the United Kingdom but we are feeling the ripple of this through our government all ready. MPs standing up and agreeing with this law that women shouldn’t have that choice. This isn’t just an awful law for America, this is horrific for all women. We stand together. We must fight against this.

I’ve started watching the handmaid’s tale, this was recommended to me. Honestly, you can already see the links between real life in America and this program. It’s frightening. Women have no rights in society, forced to have children by men that rape them, then give them up to a family that cannot conceive. I recommend watching this for educational purposes.

I reach out to any woman or girl in one of these American states and tell them that you are not alone, I will always respond if you message me anonymously. I will do everything in my power to help you. You are not alone. Abortion is healthcare, healthcare is a fundamental right.

I always start my blog posts with “So much has happened” but this time I feel like a lot has!

To start with, I’m still going with my therapy. I’ve been working with my therapist for around 6 months now, which is crazy considering it was only suppose to be for a short time whilst I was dealing with all the changes in my relationship. It turns out that I need it for many aspects of my life, childhood and day to day emotions. By now you all know that I can get overwhelmed by a drop of a hat. That’s no secret that I struggle with anxiety and sometimes spouts of depression. This week has been no exception.

It all started with an email from the Sales Director which read very dry and formal asking me to go into the office for a face-to-face meeting. The email meeting request didn’t suggest what it was about. The moment I read this email I instantly jumped to a conclusion that I was in serious trouble or had done something wrong to prompt such a serious meeting with a very senior director in the business.

Naturally, I freaked out and panicked. I felt a wave of sickness hit the bottom of my stomach, I began sweating and couldn’t seem to slow my breathing down. I instantly started crying and called my mum. Luckily that evening I had my therapy session. I spoke through my fears with my therapist and worked on coping techniques. That night I really struggled to sleep, I tossed and turned all night worrying about what was going to be said in the meeting.

The day finally came, I went into the office and noticed that most of my team were also in the office. This was unusual as on a Friday most of us choose to work from home. Then I realised, my meeting was at 4pm and others were going in before me. So the relief of knowing that it wasn’t just me gave me hope that I wasn’t getting in trouble.

The time came for me to go into the office. I went it and I felt very official. I was then told that I potentially will be made redundant as well as most of my team. I took the news pretty well considering the situation. The fact I wasn’t in trouble for something was such a huge weight off me. I walked out of the meeting feeling ok. Then when I got home, it hit me that realistically I will be without a job in a months’ time.

I’ve just moved into a new rented house, completely living alone and now in one months’ time I will not have a job. So frantically, I updated my CV and jumped straight on indeed. I cant tell you how many jobs I have applied for. It feels like hundreds.

On top of that stress suddenly hit me with that news, I noticed that I had a sharp pain in my left breast. Just to give you some backstory, back in 2018 I went into hospital for an operation to remove a lump from this breast, it took a while to recover from the surgery as it was such an invasive procedure. I had serious bleeding under the skin after the operation which resulted in me returning to the hospital a few times.

Anyway, 2 weeks ago I made the decision to call the doctors again as I had noticed a lump, larger than the first one had grown back. It was also causing me discomfort wearing a bra and sleeping on one side. I also noticed that I was getting a strange rash around the area but thought that this could be that my bra was ill fitting and causing irritation. I went into my appointment where the female doctor examined me and checked the area. She pushed the lump around quite a lot which caused it to feel very uncomfortable for a few days after. She sat me down in the chair and asked me about my family history and proceeded to tell me that from what she had felt, the new lump was almost double the size of my one 4 years ago. She seemed to also have concern over the area of skin which was rashing.

The doctor told me that I was going to be referred as an urgent case to the hospital where I would need to get this examined in more detail. She told me that I was being put forward as an urgent case under probable breast cancer patient. Hearing those words come out of her mouth really put the fear of god into me. I mean, theres always that thought in the back of your mind when you go to an appointment like this but hearing her say it at least 3 times was so unsettling. There was no sugar coating the situation on her part, it was very serious and very dry.

I walked home from the doctors and reflected on what just happened and those words circled in my head. I felt sick, I felt pain and I just wanted to go home and get into bed. The tears started falling on the way home, but really tried to fight back against them. When I got home, I had to wipe away my tears, sort out my face and jump straight back on my laptop to carry on working. At that very moment, all I wanted was my husband to come home, put his arms around me and pull me in for a big safe hug. Last time I went through this, he was by my side all the way, this time, I am completely alone.

At the start of this week, I really felt like I didn’t have a hold on my life anymore. My husband has gone, I’m losing my job and now I have my boobs to worry about. I cried everyday, I called my friends who were probably sick of me crying at them. Telling me not to worry and things will get better. But honestly, will they?

It got to a point on Tuesday working that I realised I am way in over my head, trying to act normal and carry on when my mind is not resting and worrying about everything that’s happening right now. I took Wednesday off after explaining to my manager why I needed time away. She was most understandable and made sure I was ok. By Thursday I was ready and ok to go back to work. I pushed through and felt stronger once I had a day of just rest and gathering my thoughts together.

It is now Saturday. I made it through the week. Which is such a big achievement after the way I was feeling. This evening I am settling down with my herbal tea, getting comfy and taking it easy.

It’s been a horrible couple of weeks. In fact, its been a horrible 6 months. I keep asking myself when I will catch a break?

The world is a strange place now. Where do I start?

Since my last post I have moved into my new house. I’ve been here for about a month now and things are going ok. It’s been a strange time adjusting to life completely on my own. My Husband has moved to his home town to live as I needed that space to move along with my life. He also needed to break away from his mums house as it was doing him no good. We have little contact at the moment but it is for the best whilst I figure out my life. It has been 6 months since I found out he was having an affair and things are getting easier.

Don’t get me wrong, I still remember what he did. The dreams still happen and I still get emotional when I openly talk about it but I definitely feel stronger in myself. The closest people in my life now know what happened and I have come out of that hiding place.

I am still at the corporate office job, its coming up to my 6 month probation and I am nervous about it. I still don’t feel like I know what I am doing, I still get things wrong and that little voice inside my head tells me I'm just not good enough. I still wake up on a Sunday morning and have that gut wrenching dread of knowing that I have to work on Monday. I thought I would soon get that feeling of happiness once I knew the role a bit better but its going to take a lot more time than I anticipated.

In terms of my relationship and how I feel. I feel numb. I care for him so much as I love him dearly but I’m just not sure how much actual LOVE is there anymore. All I want for him is the best in life, I want him to do well and thrive. Not many people can say that after such a negative experience but its al I want. Time is a healer in the situation and time has definitely helped me move on. I’m not saying I am ready to move on with someone new because I'm not. The only person I am ready to move on with is myself. Selflove is all I need right now.

The first 2 weeks that I was in this house was once of the hardest points in my life so far. I spent almost a full week alone without seeing anyone, I felt so isolated and lonely. It got to a really dark point where I honestly felt worthless and just wanted to disappear. I went to that scary place again where I actually had to reach out to the Samaritans. I went on the online chat and just speaking about it really made the difference. I transported from being in that horrible dark place to feeling calm and even motivated myself to get out for a walk around 10pm at night. I openly spoke to my counsellor about this and felt brave for speaking about it.

In this weeks session we spoke about my mothers recent engagement. Yeah, that happened. It was a total shock and I’m not sure how to process this information. It just highlights that the Gas Lighter in my life will always be there haunting me. That situation has not got any better, I just feel like this person hates me with a passion and it makes me so uncomfortable.

Anyway enough of this negativity. New things are on the horizon, I’m slowly making a come back on social media. Only Instagram but it’s a start to get me back into normal life.