sweet like cherry pie

     Had he only known how much he needed her touch, he would’ve sought it way sooner himself. It felt like a cover, one of those blankets young kids keep around to protect themselves from literally any harm– that’s what that caress was from him. He wasn’t even sure how much he was actually hurting or how heavy his heart was with grief and loneliness until he felt neither. It was only a brief moment, but the softness of her fingertips had soothed him in a way nothing had ever been able to. He was the most skeptic of the skeptical but when it came to Jill, to her smile, her touch, her smell even, he wondered if maybe she had some sort of magic power. He could see it with every single person she talked to– she was good and pure, exactly the opposite of what Leo knew he was, and often times he felt like he didn’t deserve. But he was going to hell either way, so indulging in his own selfishness didn’t bother him too much.

     Leo couldn’t settle with the gesture, he wanted more of her but he had no idea how to ask for it, no smooth way of getting closer– nothing. All he had was himself, and being fairly honest. with how things had been lately, he wasn’t sure if that was enough. His eyes remained with her as she talked about Machu Picchu, her voice creating the whole atmosphere, a different setting which he very much needed in those times so he could transport him to a different place, a different life maybe, but it was too short. He grinned, his hand finding a way to her knee, where he traced simple lines and shapeless figures with the tips of his fingers as a way to keep himself grounded in this plane.       “No. Fishing is my thing. You can learn how to… I don’t know, domesticate llamas?” Leo broke into a little laugh- one that wasn’t too long, but it managed to fill the car for a moment there. 

     Leo took the last hit of that joint, putting it out on the edge of the window before tossing it out to get rid of it. He got comfortable again then, his hand behind Jill once again, the other one still on her knee, because it was the only place he felt he was allowed to touch without being too intrusive with her personal space. Something he found slightly frustrating after a year long relationship, but didn’t dare to question it. Jill was one of the only things he didn’t feel a right to question. Leo sighed, her words getting lost in the silence surrounding their car, then again at her question. He brought his hand up to rub his eyes, then pinched the bridge of his nose.        “I don’t know. I don’t think so, to be fair,” he responded softly, checking his watch for the time before bringing his arm back down. “I think people would expect it of me.” His jaw clenched as his eyes looked up at the ceiling– he was free of direct guilt in the case, but he could almost hear the words, see the fingers pointed at him. He’d imagined that same scenario since he’d heard Larissa’s death had something to do with cocaine. “I don’t think my parents have room in their brains to be angry with me right now,” he said, swallowing a lump in his throat with his words. 

     He took a breath, then it was him who fell on Jill’s shoulder for a moment, he turned to press a quick kiss there, then leaned on it again.       “Thank you,” he whispered. “For running away with me, if only for a couple hours.”

Her eyes followed his fingers as their tips kissed her skin. she made herself chuckle when thinking about what her kneecaps would look like if only leo’s fingertips were to leave a trail of ink behind them -- perhaps she’d have a small picasso engraved in her skin, for her to treasure and display playfully. it also reminded her of the ice skaters she’d watch on television, and the elegant shapes their skates would carve on the ice. 

    would leo find it immature that she was thinking of the doodles and ice skaters? would larissa find it rude that she was filling her mind with colors so as not to think of her? would she be offended that jill had been begging for a way out of her funeral?  she didn’t think she’d blame leo, no. even if she indeed blamed her, there was no way of knowing now. but her head was feeling light, and her mind too detached of her body at this point. with pleasantness in her bloodstream, and his touch bringing more sleepy heat to her body, it only seemed natural for her thoughts to wander about. 

    “ llamas? ” she giggled, looking at him. laugh it all off. if only all painful things could be solved that way. but there was a certain magic to laughter, so had jill discovered. she could feel it as she placed a hand on his chest, letting it rest against his heart. she felt the “ sounds fun. i’d do that. i don’t think llamas would make as lovely companions as you would, though. ” her cheeks picked up color once more, the words already floating through the air by the time her mind had made sense of them. 

    she then watched his fingers act, her eyes focused and interested, as if she were afraid to miss his movement. she’d said it before -- all good things born within the hollyhead town limits are cursed, doomed, ephemeral. now, she watched leo, touching him with the same great care and gentleness she once had. ‘ look at you, so gentle. why are just now being like this ? oh, you’re scared that he might disappear, aren’t you ? that he will evaporate under your touch. you’re a funny one, jillian -- ’ the voice she constantly suppressed sneered, beckoning at her -- ‘ but you know what’ll happen between you one day. you knew it all along, and yet you kept going. you know you’ll wreck him. why the hesitancy now ? ’

    a swift, barely noticeable shake of the head seemed to do at eradicating said mocking voice. nonetheless, her fingers curled, grasping onto the cloth of his shirt as if she were clinging onto him. make me forget, leo, her grasp whispered. let me forget everything.

    “ you’re better than them. kinder, wiser -- ” jill spoke gently. something in her always advised her to be mindful of her words, but if there was one person she could trust, it was him. always him -- “ the people in town... they’re full of wretchedness and wickedness. ” her stomach dropped upon thinking of leo’s parent. what a hell they must be living in. she shuffled in her seat lightly before allowing him to rest his head on her shoulder. “ i’m... sorry for your parents, ” she offered. 

   “ you don’t need to thank me. thank you for taking me away, ” jill reassured, smiling. “ i’m just glad this helped you get your mind off of everything. you deserve some peace, leo. ”

Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday.

Thwack!

Five days she’d had, and what did she have to show for it? A bunch of ruined notebooks, a million questions, and a goddamn headache.

Thwack!

Why did she even bother? She wasn’t a police officer, nor was she a detective. What the fuck was she even doing?

Thwack!

Nothing she did was of consequence. No matter how hard she tried to help, she had no hope of making a difference.

Thwack!

From her throat rose an animal’s cry, rough and ripped and roaring. Her strikes became faster and faster, muscles ablaze, knuckles screaming, sweat paving trails down her spine. The pain in her body was nothing compared to her roiling mind, crammed full to the brim with sharp-edged thoughts. If she moved a little faster, hit a little harder, maybe she could quiet it, or at least stop the cuts from hurting so badly—

Thwack!

A crack in the skin, like a seam ripping. Warmth throbbing at her fingertips.

Thwack!

Useless—worthless—hopeless—

Thwack!

A sound. Not cloth-on-leather, but something else. The creak of a well-worn hinge.

Thwack!

“Naomi?”

Ice up her spine, blood at her cheeks. Caught.

She knew that voice, but she turned anyway, chest still heaving, skin soaked in sweat.

“Jill,” she said, her voice cracking. The shift was nigh instantaneous: her back straightened up, hands fell to her sides. Non-threatening.

“It’s okay… I probably needed to be interrupted.” Truth be told, she’d give anything to keep wailing on that bag, but even she could admit that it wasn’t really helping.

A bead of sweat tickled at her brow and she lifted a hand to wipe it. What she saw, however, was a blood-soaked bandage, deep dark concentrations at her knuckles; she hadn’t realized she was bleeding. Or maybe she’d just chosen to ignore it.

“So, uh, what are you doing here? Can I help you find something?” she said awkwardly, trying to be casual as she slid her hands behind her back. With any luck, Jill hadn’t noticed, but that was disingenuous of Naomi. Jill was the observant sort—of course she noticed.

Nice one, Naomi. Real role model you are.

An apologetic smile crossed her features, the barrier between her and naomi so alive before jill’s eyes right then and there. sometimes, she wished she had the guts to pry -- after all, in this town, it now seemed that life was only one intrusive inquiry away. perhaps if anyone, everyone, had pried, larissa would still be alive.  but she wasn’t. jill didn’t ask. 

    instead, just as she always did, she swallowed, her eyes not meeting naomi’s thanks to jill’s fear of disturbing the boxing instructor. she’d heard it a lot -- ‘ if looks could kill ’, well, what if looks could hurt ? she didn’t wish to have hers graze naomi. brown hues were fixed on the ever so shaky punching bag, just as she let out a soft, modest and careful chuckle.

    “ i know what’s it like to get carried away. happens to us all, doesn’t it ? ” she reassured, shrugging gently. perhaps she didn’t notice naomi’s hand moving, seeking concealment behind her back. perhaps she hadn’t wanted to notice. “ looks like you were giving that punching bag a real hard time, ” she joked; just as the playful remark was born, no part of her was expecting naomi to laugh. if she did, well... jill would be surprised. times were hard for jokers nowadays. 

   “ uhm, yeah, i -- ” her back straightened, eyes slightly wider - just as if she’d jolted awake after daydreaming, unsure as to whether her mind had produced the image of naomi mercilessly hitting the bag, or if the sight had indeed manifested before her eyes. “ i think i forgot my jacket here. must’ve left it in the locker area. ”

   jill had already started walking away from naomi when she turned. an ever so worried frown clouded her disposition. “ hey, after the funeral, i didn’t get to check if things were fine. are you doing okay ? ”

Jill seemed like a warm energy in a room full of coldness, and Magdalene wasn’t just refering to Larissa’s body. Talking with her seemed to calm the itching Magdalene felt underneath her skin. “I knew her…enough. We talked every now and then. She was a nice girl.” A bit dark, sometimes. Larissa was a mystery, that only got deeper and deeper the more you learned about her. “She was my friend. I’ll miss her dearly.” She admitted.

Magdalene sighed slightly, moving her sigh from her lap to the rest of the people on the funeral, a few feet away, before returning to pay full attention to Jill. “How about you?” She finally asked. “Do you wish to sit?” She also added, moving slightly in the bench she was sitting in.

A NICE GIRL. the same words echoed in her mind in the days leading up to the funeral. she didn’t disagree -- in the kingdom of nice girls, larissa must’ve been queen. there was a mysticism to her, as though every word that bloomed from her lip &  every touch she honored you with were previous, heavenly even. as much as jill liked pointing out the figures present that didn’t even seem to know larissa, it seemed that there were close acquaintances scattered around town. each seemed to tell jill a little piece of information, a detail she hadn’t spotted before. 

    the brunette nodded, a solemn expression ruling her features. magdalene’s friend. it got jill wondered whether larissa had ever thought of jill as one of her friends. everything seemed to point out so, with people spotting jill around larissa more often than they spotted her around leo.  she accepted the invitation to the bench in silence, sighing after she’d settled down. “ did i know larissa? ” jill huffed. “ did anyone? ”

He doesn’t notice Jill at first. His eyes are trained on the flashing images at the back of the diner, pixels dancing from Don Doko Don’s screen. His initials are still at the top of the TOP SCORE list, unchallenged. Partly, Connor’s disappointed, lacking a new goal. Another chunk of him is more relieved than anything else. At least he has a constant here, one to return to. 

Except, his path is interrupted– his quest, as River would have probably put it, obstructed. Though he needn’t see Jill as much of an obstacle. Not when she’s smiling up at him like that.  Despite the bags beneath his eyes, and the constant buzz of stress thrumming beneath his skin, Connor finds the corners of his lips curling upwards in return. 

“Hi– Oh, yeah,” He nods, gesturing at the first one, “I’ve got the top score. Leo’s got the most points on Pac-Man, though.” 

It feels only a little awkward. Perhaps the funeral’s to blame, along with the tears that spilled out of Connor’s eyes– the first time he’s allowed himself that sort of openness around… Well, anyone, really, since Larissa’s death. It doesn’t surprise him that Jill’s the one to have coaxed his sadness out of him, the truth behind the emotions he’s so used to burying. Connor’s grown so used to hiding them, that it’s almost shameful to let them roam free. He can’t blame Jill, though. Not for that. 

“How are you?” he asks, shuffling a little on the spot. He nods at the table she’d stood from. “Were you eating?”

The sweet breeze hit jill’s reddened cheeks, young skin glistening under the kiss of heaven’s light as if were gold leaf. but the sight of him was like an intake of cool air -- effective at banishing the exhaustion, at least for as long as he remained in sight.  a happy connor is her favorite kind of connor, right, jillian ? 

    jill’s palm met the back of her neck, skin rubbing against skin. much like he did, she could sense the awkwardness, the lingering embarrassment from the last time they’d met. the weight of connor’s head on her shoulder remained alive, its ghost strangely still pressing down on her, even when her eyelids turned heavy & the only light that dared peek through the blinds was the dim one of the street lamp. she could still feel the teardrops soaking through the fabric of her dress. the salt didn’t sting; it was instead soft to the touch, each tear holding a memory of when they were younger, happier. but now, her stomach grumbling, the sound of ceramic plates being slid across table surfaces, the scent of warm bread to the air... it was all forgotten ( -- no, pushed to the back of her mind. ) no more gloomy funerals, no melancholic tears. no more, no more.

    now, all she could do was swim in the ephemeral bliss that seemed to flash through his eyes. perhaps they could fool distract themselves, banishing the awkwardness and grief, by talking about pac-man. or asteroids. or centiped -- whatever would occupy his mind then. his smile moved her, welcoming ease back into her spirit.   

   a warm chuckle escaped her lips when leo’s name was brought up. perhaps she’d heard it from him before. she didn’t know. “ i’m... great,  ” she shrugs happily. “ i forgot to eat breakfast before leaving my house this morning, so i’m grabbing lunch now, yeah. are you busy? if not, then it’d be a pleasure if you could join me -- ” jill chuckled, a child-like bashfulness overtaking her then -- “ at least for a milkshake ? ” 

By the time the sky had removed its listless grey cloaked in exchange for a bright gold one, jill’s bones ached. her limbs were heavy with exhaustion, her forehead covered by a thin, glimmery sheen. her hands tingled with pins and needles from clutching onto the mop handle and lawnmower control bar so tightly, and her back hurt and itched from the sunlight beams. 

     she didn’t have to stop by jack’s until far later ( until after the place was deserted, more precisely ) but her stomach begged for a serving of the place’s waffles after the morning’s work. 

    it was until she’d settled down in a seat at the bar that she spotted connor walking toward the door.

   like an act of magic, her entire being was overtaken by a youthful warmth. flower boy, no longer coated in a gloomy attire -- the sight had a smile tug at the corners of her lips. and just like that, they were children again, jill so eager to run up to connor and wrap her arms around him. she was striken by the same enthusiasm as that when they were younger, in the seconds before she found connor in his hiding spot as they played hide and seek. 

    “ connor! ” jill grinned, rushing after him before she could lose sight of him. cheeks bright red, she greeted.

                                          “ hi. was it you who was playing on the arcade games? ”

Jill hadn’t noticed the bruising around her knuckles and arm until it’d been pointed out.

 ‘ nasty fall ? ’ it was mr. tucker, who lived close by, who had asked. jill had frowned at him, unsure as to what’d made him think that.

‘ yes. just clumsiness, ’ she’d replied innocently.

  but that hadn’t been the case. the marks had been gifts from naomi, reminders of their last training session. they continued to ache and itch, as if there were small fires burning under the layers of flesh. the blotches stood out like traces of lavender and cardinal paint. but she didn’t mind -- she’d never do. 

   after all, the ring was the only place where she felt at ease. there was too much despair everywhere -- everywhere but there. at first, every inch of her refused to go in, the memory of having dropped larissa off right at the gym’s doors too engraved in her mind. it throbbed with guilt and confusion, so much so that jill couldn’t bear to drive past the establishment. but now, much to her dismay, the ring was among the few spots in town where she felt safe. 

   there, where the air reeked of sweat and copper, her limbs seemed to loosen their tight grip, the tension then poured onto every punch and dodge. there, she’d find comfort knowing she’d be grazed by nothing but naomi’s fists.

   a sense of comfort and familiarity flooded her as she walked in through the doors, her eyes scanning for its owner. 

   “ naomi? ” she asked, following the sounds of leather against leather, solid against solid.

 “ crap, sorry. i thought i’d forgotten something from the last time i was here. ” jill blushed, forgetting what she’d been looking for in the first place. “  i thought you would be home by now... i didn’t mean to interrupt. ”

Magdalene recognized the girl who walked towards her. Jill, wasn’t it? She tried remembering. The night she first met her seemed like a distant dream. Magdalene remembered having taken her home, speaking about nothing in particular for a few hours. It was a nice experience, but had never spoken with Jill ever since. Was she ashamed of the situation? Magdalene assumed for a long time Jill had disliked her ever since, and that was the reason she looked away whenever their eyes crossed each other.

“The heart is the heaviest burden of all.” She replied simply, her eyes going from Jill to the casket that could be seen in the distance. “I want to say my goodbyes to Larissa, but I feel like I can’t here. Not like this. This kind of ceremonies and events take the most cynical part of me to the surface.” Magdalene admitted, looking into Jill’s eyes. She felt bad, guilty even, every time she thought things like that at funerals. Perhaps it was full of fake people. But there were also honest people mourning a loved one who passed away, starting by Larissa’s parents. What right did she have to make the evening even worst with her cold thoughts? It was better for her to walk away, to not contaminate the rest of the people in there. “How about you?”

A schmaltz-colored sigh departed her lips, a trace of longing dancing at the back of her mind. she’d catch herself forgetting why it was that she was at the cemetery, or why she’d dressed in darker shades today -- forgetting that now, larissa would exist only in their reminiscing fantasies and dreams. but her train of thought was always stopped, reality tinting the sight. she caught magdalene’s somewhat tired and sad expression, and the weeping in the back, like the grimmest lullaby of them all. 

    how she wished she could open her chest like it were a cabinet, and take out the crystal box that contained her heart to go bury it in someone’s backyard. as a child, she’d never understood why pirates went onto bury their treasure chests ( wouldn’t they prefer to relish their content, and indulge in the joy brought upon by it? ) but it was a little clearer now: they tucked away what they loved most. if only she were able to do that now.

     jill offered the other a nod. “ out of everyone.  i’d never been to an event like this, one where i actually knew... well... ” the brunette sighed. she felt conflicted, filled by sticky, bothersome misery. but magdalene’s feelings were understandable; everyone mourned in a way comfortable to them. “ i’m trying. it’s strange, isn’t? i’d never really trusted the whole ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ saying, but... now i kinda do. ”

Leo didn’t worry much about the cough. It was normal to go a little harder than one should go with a joint to the point where it would burn their throat. He helped her up instead, his hand sliding ever so slightly to her back and gave it a couple of soft slaps as if to help her get the smoke out, before going back to a similar position than before. He didn’t even feel the weight of his words in that moment. Though he had never said he loved her, Leo had stopped caring much about showing or telling Jill how much she meant to him a few months back. She always thought Jill was shy, which is why she rarely ever did more than a smile, but a smile was more than Leo could’ve ever asked for. It was the light of his days, the one thing he held onto at nights just knowing he would see her the next morning. 

He took the joint from her, watching it for a second as the heat consumed it before taking a hit himself, keeping it for a moment unless Jill asked for another drag, very faintly but smiling at her tone, catching a glimpse of some sort of sparkle in her eyes when she spoke to him that way. He hadn’t seen that girl in a while, thought her to be consumed by his own darkness mixed up with all her demons, but here she was. He resisted the urge to touch her hair again, afraid of disturbing the playfulness if he gave into the softness of the moment. “Well, for me to become bored of Peru, I would have to be in Peru first,” he responded just as playful, feeling lightheaded already after almost finishing one full joint. “I don’t think I would be. I would find something to do.” He shrugged. “I’ll… go hiking. I’ll learn how to… fish? Is there fish there?” Leo chuckled, somehow sounding honest if only for half a second. 

“What if you get bored?” Leo said, slightly leaning more towards the door to properly look at Jill as she spoke, the small joint hanging from his lips one more time before offering it to her one more time. “Where will we go?”

A lighthearted smile bloomed from her lips, her eyes now fixed on him. she wished she weren’t so captivated by details of his characters -- his humor, his kindness toward her, as if he were to break her or have his own darkness fester and infect her in a way. yet, here she was -- laughing at his jokes and inventiveness like a child. perhaps that was the magic of leo kearney’s magic on her: to make her feel light and loved and appreciated it in a way she’d never been. 

     the brunette placed a soft, playful slap on him, while the smile clung unto her expression. “ fish? i’m sure there are plenty of fish in there, ” jill acknowledge, her hand reaching out to touch his cheek. her fingertips throbbed against his skin, all pain and woe briefly vanishing under their contact. “ there’s machu pichu. i’ve read it’s quite a sight to see, almost like it brings ancient civilizations to life before your eyes, ” she whispered, her words carrying an air of storytelling. 

     oh, she doubted she would get bored there -- or anywhere, really. even as a kid at the trailer park, she’d fantasize about the trailers being fortresses, and her being a knight seeking to rescue the princess from the tower. the hours would go by, without boredom having ever troubled her. “ me, bored? ” jill asked, teasing. “ i’ll find something to do. perhaps i’ll ask you to share with me your fishing knowledge. ”

   “ but i don’t know where i’d go after that, ” she exhaled, furrowing lightly afterward. she refused another dragging, shaking her head and motioning at him.  have the rest for yourself, her motions said. “ speaking of that ---- do you think people will be angry that you disappeared for a bit ? ”

When the door opened, he felt the tension in his chest ease, a smile curling up the corner of his lip, not quite reaching his eyes. There was something about Jill, it seemed, that helped make him feel calm. He didn’t know what it was, but in the few times they had managed to run into each other, there was something about the energy she put out that could make everyone in the room forget everything that could possibly be wrong. 

Suddenly, whatever was chasing him was gone, the darkness behind him forgotten as he walked into the light that was Jill’s house. Maybe that was all he had needed to do. Maybe he only needed to turn on a light, and the eyes watching him would go away. “No, I wasn’t busy.” And he left it at that. There was something different in her eyes, he noticed. Maybe it was because of the time, after the rest of the town had fallen asleep. Or maybe it was everything that had happened recently. He remembered seeing her around Larissa often, sometimes more so than he would see her around Leo. He wondered how she was, if bad dreams had reached her eyes too now that Larissa was gone. Or maybe sleep didn’t reach her at all. As was the case for him.

He reached into his pocket, taking out the small bag he had put Calder’s weed in. “I brought something. Do you want to?”

It was after Jill had turned 18 that she realized, she’d unknowingly managed to shed off most of what reminded others of her mothers. the two women were very much physically akin, but the two had never existed in the same orb -- or so jill thought. even as a child, she’d be able to notice how exhausted her mother seemed. her stance, her speech, her stride -- all were becoming of a woman who had seen too much. and jill couldn’t deny having lied as a child, deep down wishing people wouldn’t be able to remember where the hell they’d heard that surname. now, especially after larissa’s death, jill couldn’t stop seeing how sharp of a copy of her mom she was. 

   here she was, having dreams about insects crawling over her skin; picking up habits that had her stopping by the tobacco shop on her way to the funeral to get an ashtray to place on her night table; laughing at the sight of abel’s bag. and about all of this, she’d keep quiet. she’d rinse her hands more often. she’d wash her bedsheets thrice every week. she’d keep her cigarette pack hidden. she’d cling onto this routine in the pursuit of sanity, anything to keep her thoughts away from it all. 

                 indeed, like mother like daughter in the end.

   “ oh, abel... ” jill blushed, rushing to the kitchen to fetch her unopened bottle of smirnoff ( kept at the back of the cabinet for occasions just like this one ) and matchbox. “ i thought it was the host’s responsibility to provide for the guests, ” she laughed. “ i’ll take some, sure. ” afterward, she carried out another trip, this time, in order to take a pair of glasses and inviting him to the couch.

      “ strange week, wasn’t it? ”

Date: August 8, 1989 Time: 2:45am Location: Jill’s place Availability: for @hclpinghand

Maybe it was the fact that Calder hadn’t come home yet, maybe it was knowing the view that would greet him once he looked out the window, maybe it was the feeling of being watched, of every corner of the darkened room having something, someone, looking at him and waiting for him to fall asleep. He lied on the ground, looking up at the ceiling, picking at a scab that had formed on his arm while he waited for the hours to pass. Normally, he would grab a book and use that when he felt too afraid, but that day he couldn’t. He couldn’t focus on the words, his mind moving too quickly, and it left him angry and frustrated with himself. 

That was when he heard the phone ring; the loud and abrupt sound startling him and forcing him up and out of the bed he had made for himself on the floor. He ran to answer it, though he didn’t know why. There was something ominous about getting a phone call so late in the night. But maybe it was Calder, and maybe something happened, so he answered it anyway. 

It wasn’t Calder. 

It was Jill; who seemed to be in the same situation he was. He accepted her invitation, told her he would bring something, and hung up the phone. Anything would be better than staying in an apartment that watched him lie awake, and a building that housed his real, tangible fears right across the street. Watching him as much as Calder watched it.  

He grabbed a bit of Calder’s stash, not enough for her to notice, but enough to make a difference for people who rarely smoked. He would pay her back in the morning, if she allowed him to. Taking his bike out from the side of their building, he started riding through the town. 

There was something even more ominous about riding through Hollyhead alone at night, causing him to pedal even faster at the fear of being followed, of being attacked. Once he reached Jill’s he rang the bell, hoping he wasn’t waking anyone up, but also not knowing any other way to tell her he was there.

In her nightmare, the ground under the soles of her feet was covered in maggots. she’d attempt to amble through, towards something that beckoned at her from the other side. at first oblivious to the worms crawling about, jill would attempt to keep going, only for them to multiply. they reached her knees, crawling over her shins and calves; she could no longer move by the time they reached her hips. the insects only continued to grow, more offspring spurring from a source unknownst to her. 

    she woke up gasping, her hands dragging along the skin of her chest to swat the ghosts away. 

     strangely enough, nightmares frequently tended to recoil from jill. much like any child, jill had been prone to them when younger. her adolescent years were rarely plagued by alarming dreams, sprinkled with a few sleepless nights here and there. it’d been after larissa’s passing that jill found herself battling a foreign, unnerving restlessness, that which had only grown more unforgiving around the time of the wake and funeral ceremonies.

      now, whatever ounce of exhaustion dared weigh down on her was gone, the rest far too unwilling to be put through another hell. her hands found their way in the dark, curling around the phone handle. a sigh of relief floated out of her lips when abel picked up. knowing his was among the scarce few presences she could be around without feeling a tinge of guilt nibbling at her, she didn’t hesitate to ask him to join her. she answered the door just as quickly as she’d dialed his number, a thankful smile crossing her features as she let him in. 

     “ thanks for coming. hope you weren’t too busy, ” she added on a lighthearted note, holding the door for him.  she’d deal with any upset neighbors sometime later.

He does recall that story. It’s vivid in his mind, photographed by the thrill he’d felt when Jill had appeared, rosy-cheeked from dashing to Miranda’s house. She’d climbed up the thick wisteria coiling along the faded baby blue paint and tapped on his bedroom window. Sleepy, with his loose tee hanging off of one shoulder, Connor had clambered out onto the roof, to sit by her side. They’d held hands, at one point, after Jill had finished breathlessly telling the tale of the ghost in the trailer park. In life, the man had been, as Jill had recounted, mowing his lawn when he’d passed away. Paramedics had come rolling in, shielding the body from view (even though everyone in the trailer park had probably taken a good long look at it already), and carried it away in an ambulance. When they drove away, they didn’t even bother to switch the siren on. 

A few days later, Jill had seen that very same man hovering by the window in his trailer.

Connor had been full of theatrics back then. Sweetly, he’d teased her. Joked about all of the sage she’d have to burn so as to keep the spirit at bay. In the end, he’d given her some, just in case. 

It’s curtain call now, though, and any act of jubilance has been lost behind the blackened veil of grief that clouds over the cemetery on this hot summer’s day. In another life, they would have never drifted apart. Connor’s certain of it. In another life, Jill would be striding into the greenhouse, arms flexed from holding up a tray on which three iced teas are perfectly balanced, glasses sweating under the hot Sun. Connor would drop his tools onto the dirt, take the tray to set it down. Jill would take a seat in one of the four garden chairs sitting idly in a corner, by the Lavinia flowers. Connor would, too. From amidst the rosebushes, Larissa would emerge, ethereal and more alive than ever. Rosy-cheeked and grinning, she’d take the final glass, slip down into the third chair and let her mucky feet rest in the fourth. The three would lounge about, bond unbreakable.

Only, this isn’t another life, and the thought of such a utopia never existing for either of them makes Connor’s heart feel like it’s on the verge of exploding. It doesn’t help that Jill’s asked such a question, one that’s yanked the pin out of the grenade. 

Connor can’t exactly pinpoint the how’s or the when’s; suddenly, as the sky opens in the blink of an eye and pummels those below with rain, there are tears streaming down his cheeks. He’s glad, at least, that they’re so distanced from the service itself. These tears aren’t for them, or their judging stares. Each droplet is a lost memory, shattering just like his resolve. 

“I wish they could, Jill,” Connor whimpers, his eyes reddened and stained bright with unshed tears. Some cling to his long, spidery lashes, forming watery shadows that refract the sunlight across his cheeks. Defeated, Connor slumps into the girl he so dearly loved– and still does. His head on her shoulder feels familiar, as he wets it with his grief, and her arms around him feel more real than any memory of her embrace ( he’d sometimes it conjure up in the dark ).  “I miss you.”

In that moment, jill felt the weight of a thousand suns descend upon her. she felt crushed by connor’s sadness, the jewel-like droplets that tarnished the freckled skin welling up in her insides to drown her from inside out. so grief-stricken yet so beautiful -- that how she’d always remember connor moody. she remembered a day in their distant past -- a day when both were far younger, far less tainted by hollyhead’s darkness -- that a rosebush’s thorns had scrapped connor’s calves. not a tear dared besmirch his features. now, she stood next to apollo, his cry rich in a special beauty, his tears falling on the hyacinth's young petals. 

     her eyes, now wide as plates, showed her confusion as to what to do. how to narrow the years-long gap between them in a mere handful of moments? 

  her back straightened, her head tilted ever so slightly toward the side as her shoulder welcomed his weight. she let the salt water to dampen her dress, each drop heavy with the could have’s and would have’s of their youth together, now tragically lost. “ connor, i-- ” jill stammered, only a mattered of seconds before tears welled up in her own eyes. whatever sloppy traces of stubborn makeup clung onto her eyelashes dripped down, leaving a trail of black ink. 

   “ god, i miss you so much. so so much, ” jill replied before letting out a sigh. her palm rid her cheeks of tears in a swift motion, just as she breathed out a sarcastic laugh. “ what happened to us ? what the fuck happened to us ? ”

    she shook her head in such a soft demeanor so as not to disturb his position. “ we never got to go on that picnic together. the one we always planned as kids. maybe we should give it a try sometime, don’t you think ? ”

It took more than a couple puffs to get Leo properly high, but he could start to feel his muscles loosening from the very start. Something about being away from town, and so close from Jill making the effects appear faster. He took the joint back from her, holding it not as delicately as she had, but how else could she do things if not smoothly and softly. His own fingers, rough and stained with ink from drawing non stop the day before, brushed hers in the exchange, though it was something he was sure Jill wouldn’t even notice– only Leo would take importance in such faint and quick details, even more so in his state of mind at that point. 

Leo let his hand drop from her head to her shoulder in a casual motion, gently holding her against him but never wanting her to feel trapped. If anything, he hoped his hope could bring her some relief from the emotions felt on that day, just like he knew he would feel if he were held the same way. He looked at her for a second, the softness of her eyes closed and her features in total calm– it made him smile ever so lightly. He brought the joint to his lips for a drag, waiting for her answer as he held the smoke back in his lungs. 

“Peru?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow at her. That was an answer he wouldn’t have expected from anyone. Then again, this was Jill. She wasn’t just like anyone. He let out a soft chuckle, a little cough after the smoke had exited his lungs, then another hit, passing it on to her one more time. “Me?” Leo asked to buy himself some time to think of his answer. He didn’t have to. He knew where he wanted to be, his dream land, on the total opposite side of the country. Maybe things would be way different in California, he always thought. However, when he opened his mouth, he realised that perhaps, his true wishes were somewhere completely different than he thought. “I’d go to Peru, too,” he said, leaving a short moment of silence settle between them, “so I could be with you.”

Her body had already acclimatized to its position, her arm against his while and her head resting along the curve of his neck. jill thrived off leo’s body heat, her own devoid of devoid of calefaction and exhausted by heartache. in another life, perhaps the could have supported each other like this eternity; she could have burned as ardently for him as he did for her. in that life, she would know how to alleviate the affliction the loss of a sister was. now, so physically close together yet so emotionally far apart, all she could do was stay away, to detach herself so her fires wouldn’t burn him more than they already had. to let him smoke the thoughts of larissa away, and to let him rejoice in his affection toward her for the time being -- that’s what mattered now. her fingers found the joint again, right before her lips did. inhale. forget about his sister. exhale. forget about her. inhale. forget about leo. a burn. 

                            〖     i’d go to peru too, so i could be with you.    〗    

   a cough troubled her right then, though briefly enough not to disturb the quiet of the moment. she furrowed to herself, taking a breath twice as big to soothe her scorching insides. the faint clouds of grey then stumbled out of her lips, after she’d turned away from him. here he sat, only inches away from her -- atlas, carrying the weight of the sky on his shoulders. jill was sure leo would throw the burden of her suffering onto his back, even if crushed him. the burn finally dissipated -- not now, dear heart; be still, she warned it.

   “ but what if you became bored of peru? ” she asked, handing the joint. over. her words were coated with playfulness, that somewhat uncharacteristic of her recent behavior around him. “ would you still want to go? ”

For a moment there, the car was full of giggles instead of gloominess. Leo had saved that sound for the hardest moments, because somehow, it was Jill who managed to pull him back out. He wished he could make it last forever. If he could, he would make a fool of himself all day everyday if only to make her look like that, slightly flushed, her eyes squinting ever so slightly as she smiled and he wouldn’t care about anything else. Her moves were far more gracious than his could ever be as she jumped to the back of the seat in the same way he did. She was taller than him by a few inches, but somehow he had managed to bump his head with the roof and the window before managing to find his seat– somehow Jill did seemingly effortlessly, which he admired from his place. There was a part of him missing, lost for good, perhaps, but right before his eyes there was someone who managed to put all his pieces together.

Leo laughed at her comment, shrugging lightly with his shoulders as he patted his pockets for his lighter. “Sometimes things hidden in plain sight could be harder to find, alright?” He said, his once upon a time existing charm which he assumed had gotten Jill’s attention coming back if only for a few seconds. “Yes, please.” He said, holding his hand out to take her lighter, his other arm stretching across the seat, trying to open some space for Jill right next to him. Leo held the lighter to the tip the joint, taking a few quick drags to properly light it up and exhaled the smoke with a soft cough towards the open window on the opposite side. He took another short drag and passed it on to Jill, leaning his head back on the seat and letting it sit in his lungs for a couple seconds before exhaling. He wanted to talk to her, hear her voice, make her laugh again, but his brain had been buried in darkness for so long that all he could think of was the one thing everyone in town was talking about. He moved his hand gently over her head to comb her hair and moved it behind her shoulder. “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” Leo asked– it sounded generic, but he figured it could beat any other thing he could think of in that moment.

“ your logic makes no sense, ” the brunette teased, looking toward him. her eyes then trailed off, drawn toward the tiny orange spark that faded as soon as it was brought to life. admittedly, there was little she hadn’t seen him do. she’d fill her lungs with dosages of nicotine from time to time, and keep half-opened rum bottles in her cabinet.  they would be but corpses -- worm food, even -- at one point or another. little shame did she find in granting themselves a taste of the joie de vivre. “ -- but i’ll take it anyway, ” she smiled, mischievousness and humor sprinkled onto her comment, that unlike the mood that would accompany her speech in more recent times. 

    her eyes observed him with great curiosity, as they always did when he smoked. her index and thumb caught the join from his fingers, holding it with a comical delicacy like she were afraid of accidentally sending it to waste. her lips met the end of the thin stick, inhaling deeply before sustention came. jill’s movements mirrored leo’s, her head turned away from him and toward the window when exhaling. much too afraid that numbness would consume her entirely after the recent events, she’d cling onto things as simple as this burn as though her life depended on it. she took in two shorter puffs, each bringing more airiness to her limbs, before returning it to its rightful owner. the back of her neck tingled as she felt his fingers through her hair, and she couldn’t stop her eyes from closing. “ anywhere ? ” the broadness of options puzzled her for a moment. “ i’d go to peru. don’t really know why. i heard the johnsons talk about it, saying they’d go over there for the holidays. from what i heard, it seems like a magical place. where would you go? ”

Once upon a time, a boy with raven hair and dark, haunted eyes crosses the street. He does so to avoid a girl. He does so with knots in his stomach; tight, trembling lungs. He tries not to wheeze so as to avoid catching her attention. There’s a part of him that suspects that she’s noticed anyway. The next day, the boy crosses the street again. 

Connor thinks back to those times, riddled with shame and regret, as he watches the perfect cupid’s bow sitting atop Jill’s moving lips shift and dance under the sunlight and shadows. He recalls once dropping a petal onto that little dip– of which flower evades him –and Jill blowing it up into the air, both watching the wind carry it away. That playfulness between them is gone, now. With the petal in the wind. Connor nods, first, to the compliment, though it does little to comfort him. He nods again to the fact. One that, had they been closer, and the day less morose, he would have found interesting. Perhaps even encouraged her to tell him more. He doesn’t. Connor just nods. 

I’m seeing one right now, he wants to say. The words dance on the tip of his tongue like bile burning his taste buds, but he swallows the bitterness back and sighs, instead. Connor’s gaze drops to the grass, on which his little bouquet of flowers is resting, placid. Oblivious of the death which will soon dry them up; take them, like Larissa, to the weeds. “All the time.” The whisper runs away from him, and Connor freezes. It’s but a moment of panic and then he’s back in full swing, looking up to search Jill’s eyes for judgement. “Have you?”

Jill fell uncharacteristically quiet, a glimpse into how uneasy she happened to feel around connor -- not because he was the one who came across larissa kearney’s corpse, as the majority would think. once upon a time, she could’ve bragged that she knew almost everything there was to know about the youngest one of moody’s children. now, her posture, the volume of her voice and even her tone were dubious, undecided as to how to address the boy she’d once tried fooling strangers into thinking was her brother. 

   her presence turned dirty under his gaze, as if she were a trespasser in his garden of hesperides. she could sense the underlying melancholy to every syllable, so much so that there was a knot forming in her throat soon enough. “ once. when i was young. ” chances were, she would’ve told connor back in the day. “ i still think it was the man who lived across the trailer park, but i’ve never known for sure. ” her eyes refrained from meeting his, unwilling to drown in the sea that raged within the pair of green orbs. 

   everything under jill’s touch seemed to be born crooked, bound to weaken even more and die a slow death. the voice at the back of her mind wouldn’t shy away from reminding her -- ‘ all you do is leave a trace of corpses behind wherever you go, jillian. ’ she’d never allowed herself to be taunted by it, but still, there were connor and leo to prove it right.  

   “ god, look at us, ” she sighed, defeated. “ do you think things could ever be the way they used to ? "

The small smile in Jill’s face was enough of a fuel for him. Yes, it hadn’t been a big smile like he had seen in the past, but this was not the day nor the time for that, so he settled for the mere fact that he had made her lips curve, her cheeks taint. He was sure his own had adopted a light blush as well, one he didn’t mind around Jill for it was no secret how lost in her Leo was. Not for her, not for anyone who knew them, in none of their prom photos had he looked at the camera– his eyes had been on her only. Leo smiled as well once his eyes were back on the road, Jill as usual, having control of the music and changing the station if one of them got specifically boring. Larissa’s voice and loud laugh was missing in the back of the car, but he didn’t allow himself to look at the backseat, not even through the rearview mirror. Instead, he kept on driving and pretended she was asleep as if not to taint the magic of the moment. Song after song, the windows rolled down messing up his already messy hair and making Jill’s wild and bigger. Every now and then he would turn to his right, look at her and the distant look in her eyes as her lips mouthed with the lyrics of the song playing. 

Past halfway through their destination, whatever that will be in the next twenty minutes, was when Jill broke their quiet pact. Leo slowed down a bit so he could hear, or the wind coming in would’ve never allowed him to. He looked at her for a second, then back to the road, which had started to grow narrow. There was pretty much nothing on either side, just trees and plants. Her words painted a picture, almost made the whole scenery change. The red fields, the smell, the wind way fresher than the damp heat of the season which seemed to have no end, and with that image in mind he kept on driving straight for a little while longer. He looked at the gas mark on the dashboard– they didn’t have much but just enough to get back so he decided to go out of the road and into the woods until they were slightly hidden from the world, a little corner to get lost in. 

“I don’t know,” Leo responded, killing the engine but leaving the key dangling from the ignition, the radio still on but at a lower volume, turning to Jill the second she seemed embarrassed or shy enough that she laughed and apologised. “You do, though. I don’t ever make sense myself, so I’m not really that reliable of an opinion, but I think I get you. I hope, at least,” he frowned, biting his lip for a moment. “We drove east,” he added, as if trying to find an answer. “If we’d kept on going, we would make it to Kentucky, I think? Missouri– California, eventually,” he said– that’s where his dream had once been, despite not knowing what that place was like. “Then the ocean again. The Pacific.” Leo sighed, tapping the last sequence of the drums in the song on the wheel. From the inside pocket of his jacket, he took out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, though inside the pack there were nothing but pre-rolled joints. His actual pack was in a different pocket. He tossed the two items to the backseat before getting rid of his jacket– there wasn’t much to hide from Jill anyway, and without the wind from driving, he didn’t want to suffocate. Leo switched to the backseat without getting out of the car. “Come over here,” he said softly with the joint between his lips, as he rolled down the windows in the back as well. 

Jill nodded, listening to leo attentively.  kentucky -- the where the first ever cheeseburger was served, and home to the only city in the united states built around a meteor crater; missouri --  the state with the highest number of neighboring states, and where one would find the largest man-made national monument in the u.s; california -- state with north america’s largest railroad museum, and the union’s largest economy. all of these facts had been picked up from traveling brochures jill had gotten ahold when in hollyhead’s bus station. it’d never been in her plans to run away from hollyhead. after all, how wise would it be to throw her safety net to waste? that didn’t mean she hadn’t had dreams about it. in dreams, she’d be greeted by these new winds and smiling faces, devoid of the characteristic underlying sourness burning behind the eyes of the people in hollyhead. she’d always disregard these fantasies, but it was after larissa died that these dreams went onto become more recurrent. deep down, however, she knew she would never fully manage to leave that rotten town behind. 

   for now, she’d find solace in leo’s words. as simple as they were, they succeeded at planting some comfort and satisfaction in her. she liked the idea of the ocean, remember their long walks down the shore. how beautiful it was, to have someone like him by her side. she doubted everyone could be this lucky, which only served at making her feel more strongly about not deserving of his affection. 

   she giggled as he maneuvered his way to the back seat, finding amusement in his antics. every giggle brought a wave of melancholy, the desire to reciprocate whatever version of love she could manage. each time, however, she was left feeling empty, knowing full well his devotion would remain ever unrequited. it didn’t hurt to indulge in the fleeting joy product of their shared need to leave larissa and hollyhead behind.  

   as smoothly as her limbs allowed her did jill join him in the back seat, where the hazy her-like whiff reached her nostrils. yet another laughed was uttered at this sight. “ so much for trying to be in inconspicuous, ” she teased, noticeably joking. “ should i lend you my lighter, then? ” jill asked, resting her head on his shoulder. 

HOLLYHEAD’S ASH AND OAK CEMETERY  // OPEN

It was hard keeping it together at the funeral. Not necessarily because of the dead body, the empty shell in the casket, but rather because of the mourning souls that were left behind it. But Magdalene didn’t want to cry. It didn’t feel right, crying there, where everyone knew who was crying, who was silent, who wasn’t there at all. She would cry, later. At home, when she was alone. She would return to the grave and give her a most private goodbye, perhaps. Even if she knew that the goodbye was more for herself than for Larissa. She wasn’t there, she wouldn’t be able to listen to her. Still, us humans need to believe that those who are gone do hear us. That they are still there, somewhere. 

It was all too much, and there was nothing she could do for Larissa now. All that was left was to look out for those who were still there, with her.

Magdalene wanted to say goodbye to Larissa, yes. But that wasn’t the right time. She had to take a few steps back from the crowd, walk away. She had to think of it as a professional opportunity. The newspaper would most likely speak about Larissa’s funeral, and considering she didn’t see anyone else from the newspaper there, it would be easy for her to ask to write the note.

‘Treasured daughter, sister, and true believer, Larissa Mona Kearney’s funeral was the oportunity for Hollyhead to say their last goodbye…’ Her attempt to distract herself writting in her head was interrupted by someone else walking near her. Where they there to talk with her, or was it too much for them to bear too? Where they walking towards her, or away from the cold, dead body?

 “Sometimes our feelings can drown us, don’t you think?” Her words could not be too straight forwards, but they were aimed to do what she usually did. To heal, or atleast try to make the burden not so heavy for others. Saying what she said, Magdalene was stating that she didn’t mind being the shoulder people cried on, but that they could stay in silence, too. Or whatever they needed to feel better. Each had their own ways of dealing with loss, that was something Magdalene learned a long time ago.

By this point, jill had lost track of how many times she’d peeked over at her watch. as a kid, she’d been quick to disregard the saying that ‘ time went by quickly when you were having fun ’ but was no sure of it, each second going by surprisingly slowly. perhaps that was the point of funerals -- to drain each and every minute of life, so as to be gifted with the sense that our last moments with the deceased had been used wisely and wholly. still, she didn’t buy it, thinking that larissa wouldn’t either. 

   to imagine larissa’s murderer potentially being one of the attendees made her shiver with great awe -- yet another reason for her to want to leave early. something -- or someone, in this case, and she guessed it was the kearneys, kept her from departing, though. she’d approached them prior to the funeral’s beginning; she’d shook mr kearney’s chaffed hands, and had wrapped her arms around mrs kearney. now, the shoulder of her dress was moist with her tears. it was all a shitshow, her mind retorted, something devised to prolong the kearneys suffering. what else could it be, with two separate ceremonies that had been carried on in such a flashy fashion? no, of course, jill could see through it. it made her sick to spot tears welling up in the eyes of the people of hollyhead, deep down sure that it’d been one of them who’d yanked the girl’s life away from her. 

   in the sea of black gowns and grey coats that reeked of hypocrisy ( save for some exceptions ) jill found herself floating away from the crowd, in the pursuit of a calmer space where she wouldn’t be forced to watch larissa’s body being lowered from up close. 

   she spotted magdalene soon after, and went onto stand near her. 

   just like it was for jill’s case, there were only a select few who did not know of magdalene. jill admittedly couldn’t hold the blood back from rushing to her cheeks every time she placed her gaze on the brunette, the blurs and bright flashes of their last night spent together coming back to ear her alive. so intoxicated had jill been, that today, she had little to no clue what she’d spoken about to magdalene.

  but now, she chose to swallow her shame and approach the other, although admittedly unsure as to what to say. she was thankful then, when the other seemed to take notice of her and spoke. 

                               only if you let them, she was tempted to say. 

 “ the heart’s a heavy burden, isn’t it? ” jill asked, her eyes still ever so embarrassed to meet the other’s. the same question that had been asked to her by the owner of the house of song came to mind. “ how are you... holding up ? ”