All-Canadian Boy

he swallows the morose thoughts. they're getting him nowhere. is hollander as nervous about this as he is? who is he kidding , it's hollander - he's probably having a panic attack as they speak. it draws a ghost smile to his lips, & he closes his eyes, oddly calmed by the monotic lilt of hollander's statements. it's all so straightfoward & mundane that he's tricked into relaxing, fingers loosening their death grip on his phone.

“I can pick you up, just send me your flight details,” Shane said, and he has no doubt that the media will be there to eat this up. The rivals were going to be playing side by side. The expectation was that they were going to crash and burn. Two people that couldn’t be anymore opposite from one another, at least from a public perspective. He bit the inside of his cheek, his hand reaching up and rubbing absentmindedly over his chest.

Hiya! You're always fucking late, you, aren't you?

Oh, it's good to see you. You look really good.

[Name], your oven's not working!

Don't worry about it, it'll be all right.

I made a bet you'd be on time tonight.

Have you got a plate, [name]. Hold on.

Look, I'm not joking!

You are coming on Sunday, aren't you?

I don't think I can handle it without you being there.

You've been keeping a low profile recently. Anything to tell?

Oh, I'm having a really good night, let's keep it going.

I've got to work in the morning, and I'm a bit stoned, but I'll see you on Sunday.

It's all right, don't worry about it.

You were pretty wasted last night.

Is that what you go for, a nice smile?

Have I got morning breath?

Now you've broken an unwritten rule, because now you smell all minty fresh and I smell of cock and bum!

So, did you like the club?

You can't get out of it now, you promised me, and I've come for my pound of flesh.

Do you think I would have slept with you otherwise?

What kind of stuff is it you want me to say?

Just talk about last night, you know, what happened, what you wanted to happen. It's up to you, really.

I… I don't know. I can hardly remember anything.

Oh, come on, stop stalling. Just talk.

I saw you in the club and I thought you were… I thought you were out of my league or whatever.

I don't think you believe that for a moment.

There was someone else I wanted, but by the time I found him he was with someone else, so…

So I was your second choice?

Why does that matter?

This is a stupid fucking conversation.

What do you think you're doing?

Please just close the window.

Sorry, what… what was that?

I offered you a drink, I think, although I can't really remember. And then you kissed me in the hallway, in my hallway.

I was happy to feel you had a big dick and it was throbbing in your trousers, which was surprising because you were so drunk.

Can you remember what you wanted to happen?

I thought you were too drunk to remember.

I remember that because I was really sweaty and I was worried that I was going to be all smelly.

You started kissing my ears and then you kissed my neck and then you kissed my hand, which was… romantic.. for one night stand..

I couldn't work out if you were pretending to be the type of boy who didn't suck many cocks or you… you actually were that type of boy.

Why do you ask these things?

So why didn't you say anything?

You didn't want me to fuck you?

Would it have made you feel too gay?

In fact, are you actually out?

I just thought that we were having a really nice time and it was lovely, it was more than enough for me, so, erm, sorry if I don't make your grade.

You've done it, that's fine.

I don't want to tell you the destruction that was going on down there.

I was gonna say, what the fuck, like?

Who are you fucking talking to? You get lucky as well, did you?

I didn't say there was. I'm just saying.

You need to stop smoking.

This is a nice place you've brought me to.

So what do you do now? I can't really remember, sorry.

Do you like art? It doesn't matter if you don't.

Scream if you want to go faster!

I don't even know how much those things are.

Are you hungry? I've got some nice pitta bread.

You think talking about sex is dirty?

It's just I'm not sure if… people want to hear about the random sex life of strangers.

Imagine if everybody was just open about what they did and that everything was normal.

Yeah, but people are open, aren't they?

But was he gay?

Gay people never talk about it in public unless it's just cheap innuendo.

Maybe it's just they're a little bit embarrassed.

Well, you know what it's like when you first sleep with someone you don't know?

It's… You, like, become this blank canvas and it gives you an opportunity to project onto that canvas who you want to be.

So, do you think that's why I did it?

What happens is, while you're projecting who you want to be, this gap opens up between who you want to be and who you really are, and in that gap, it shows you what's stopping you becoming who you want to be.

And all of this from talking about sex?

I'm not sure that I totally understand what you're saying, but…

The problem is that no one's gonna come and see it, because it's about gay sex.

The gays will only come because they want a glimpse of a cock and they'll be…And the straights won't come because, well, it's got nothing to do with their world.

Fuck it. Doesn't matter, does it?

Do you want me to light it for you?

Are you out to your parents?

You don't look like the kind of boy who would be.

It's not complicated, you just have to do it.

I told them nature or nurture, it's your fault, so get over it.

I would, but… I don't really know my parents.

Everyone knows about me in my friend circle.

Oh, my God. What's wrong with you?

Sorry, I think it's the weed!

Are you serious… Are you laughing at my childhood tragedy?

Look…there's something I didn't tell you.

Have you got a boyfriend?

I don't have a boyfriend, I don't do boyfriends...

Honestly, you… you didn't have to tell me.

Hey, erm, what are you doing tonight? Cos I'm having some drinks with some friends and it would be pretty cool if you came along.

I don't wanna kind of put pressure on you or anything, you can either come or not come and it's up to you, it doesn't matter either way, OK?

You said you were going home when you left.

Well, look, why don't you bring him tomorrow?

It's a bit more fun, isn't it, than your normal, erm… normal gay bar?

I'm surprised you came.

I'd leave him to it, if I were you.

I think he does like you though.

You make a loud… You made a loud noise.

Can you keep a secret?

I just understand him, that's all.

You look like you want to kiss me.

No, not here. I can't…I can't here.

Do you want to get the fuck out of here?

You practically pushed me out of the door, I didn't even say goodbye to anybody, you didn't say goodbye to anybody.

I actually had quite good fun in there. It was all right.

It was quite nice being around gay people.

But it's just not like that, you know?

I wouldn't want anybody… talking badly about my mates.

It's none of my business to start talking about that kind of stuff, is it?

I can't wait to get the fuck out of here, to be honest.

Just my friends -sometimes they're like…a noose around my neck, do you know what I mean?

I've got to be honest with you, I don't really know what you mean.

What, and that's a bad thing, is it?

It's like they won't let you… they won't let you be any version of yourself except an old version, or the version that they want you to be.

Oh-ho-ho, are you sure about that?

I'd frozen the video just on the moment when you could see that scene and you know what it's like when you pause video, it's shuddering.

But the weird thing was, in that moment, I could see myself through his eyes, you know?

I thought, if he wants to see me as some horny little angry child, then that's fine with me, doesn't make any difference.

I wasn't friends with anyone else after he told the rest of the school.

Whoo! I'm just breaking some ice!

Do you have a boyfriend?

I've got something kind of similar.

Did you tell [name] about it?

Do you want to have a go?

I saw him later as I was getting changed and he ignored me.

He wouldn't give me his number because he said he had a boyfriend.

When I got back I puked up and spent the rest of the day in bed, thinking about all kinds of stuff.

Have I freaked you out?

I have, haven't I? I've freaked you out, I've freaked you out. Do you think I'm a freak?

What did this guy look like?

Look, straight people like us as long as we conform, we behave by their little rules.

Imagine your friends, if you suddenly started getting all really political about being a gay or you got suddenly like camp and swishy or talked about rimming all the time.

But that's not what I'm like, is it? That's not who I am.

They shove it down our throats all the time, being straight…straight story lines on television, everywhere!

But, oh, the gays, the gays… We mustn't upset the straights!

I'm not saying people shouldn't forge relationships, all I'm saying is that we don't need someone to sanction it, to make it legitimate, to make us respectable.

People get married for the same reason that they buy a house or buy a dog, to tie them down so that they go, "Oh, no, we couldn't possibly go away this weekend."

A man standing up with another man, in front of everyone saying that, "I love you and I want to get married," I think that's a pretty fucking radical statement.

I mean, why do people fucking say that, do you know what I mean?

Why do people have to feed into the system?

Why does it bother you so much, [name]?

Why does it bother you that maybe two people fucking love each other and they want to get married and they want a relationship and they just want to be happy?

Why do you think it's gonna be so different in America?

I don't want to compromise!

You're condescending me, it's like you're always fucking attacking me!

It's like you want everybody to think independently, but you want everyone to fucking agree with you.

Why can't you just understand that some people just want to be happy?

Don't you fucking dare presume… that you understand me. You think just because I can't…holding hands with you, that you know me.

I can see it in your eyes, you think I'm a fucking idiot because I want a fucking relationship.

I think you would make an amazing boyfriend.

Let's stop this now before we go somewhere that we don't want it to go.

You don't know nothing about how I feel!

Maybe if it's easier if I tell you that I'm brokenhearted, but I'm not.

I don't want… I can't have a boyfriend right now.

Now, I really don't want us to fall out about this.

I thought I heard a firework.

I'm really sorry, just…I was a dick. Sorry.

I don't care and I don't even think about it.

I'm not embarrassed, I'm not…I'm not ashamed, and I don't…I don't want to be straight.

I'm happy. I'm happy being gay.

You know, I'm a grown man, and I look at you, and I see you and you can do it and you're amazing.

You're right about people coming out and what their parents say and stuff.

Everyone's got their story, haven't they, it's like a…gay rite of passage.

I don't think it would change anything.

Why don't I… pretend to be your dad… and you can come out to me?

I don't think I can ignore the fact we just had sex.

I've got something that I need to tell you. I'm gay.

It doesn't matter to me. I love you just the same.

Are you going to come and sing to me, or beg me to stay?

Are you going to tell me about it or what?

It feels weird talking to you about it, I don't know. Sorry.

I fucking knew you'd come, such a goddamn romantic.

So is this our Notting Hill moment?

Do you reckon that's what would happen with us?

I want you to know I'm not here to stop you from going.

You're a bastard for coming down here. Fuck me.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.