LOVE BITES

The First One: Liam

He was my best friend in high school, my first kiss, my first time, and my first love. He was a dreamboat, honestly. Liam was funny, smart without trying, and just your average tall, brown-haired skater boy. He’s the sweet, cute guy you can’t get enough of. He’s the guy you could spend all your time with and never get bored. He's perfect, but only for a specific time in your life.

How We Met: First day of eighth grade. After a few weeks of being the “new kid” Liam became popular and the cutest guy in middle school (which continued on to high school). At the time, I wasn't even on his radar, except as someone he could copy homework off of. After the summer before high school, all the boys in my class came back taller, with deeper voices, and Liam came back a whole lot cuter. I crushed on him hard throughout high school, but instead of becoming his girlfriend, I became his best friend. The best friend he told about liking Joanna, the best friend he copied homework off of, and the best friend that was always there for him. Sometime in eleventh grade we went from hooking up to being in a serious relationship. Here it was: my first love.

How Did It End: Along with a geographical distance between us (as we moved to different countries for university) an emotional distance had built up as well. This is only natural as people grow differently in varying environments (especially different countries). And as hard it is to admit it, I had grown farther from him when I met someone else. Felix (The First Fuckboy) was charming and cute (imagine a blond Zac Efron look-a-like) and had something dark and mysterious about him. Unfortunately, I was curious and naive, which led me to cheat. I broke it off with Liam a few weeks after starting things with Felix. Cheating was one of the biggest mistakes I made and is still one of my biggest regrets to this day.

What Did I Learn: Your first love is very different from any love you will ever have. At this point in your life you haven’t had your heart broken, you haven’t developed skepticism about men (or women), you don’t have trust issues or abandonment issues, etc. You’re pure, a blank canvas that has all its love to give. When I look back on it now, I laugh and think to myself “how naive was I back then?” because I fully threw myself into that love, not knowing where it would go. Now, I can’t even look at a guy without thinking “How will he hurt me?” “What’s he lying about?”

If you’re currently together with your first love, I’d say give it your all. Love deeply and hopelessly because you’ll never experience it like this again. 

Dating > Finding Out You’re the Sidechick (Sidehoe)

Finding out the guy you’re dating is seeing someone else is a huge blow. An even bigger blow? Finding out that you’re not even the mainchick, you’re the sidechick.

My experience: 

I’ve been through the sidechick thing twice—completely blindsided by it both times. The first guy was Markus. He was a short fling that I most likely didn’t actually have feelings for, but the lying in itself and the ghosting afterwards really hurt. I felt like I wasn’t even worth ending things with. He just blocked me on every social media platform. About two months after Markus ghosted me, I found out about his girlfriend—who he’d never broken up with.

The second guy was Frank. This was a much bigger blow as I had been dating him exclusively for three months. Towards the end of the three months this was someone I trusted and appreciated and had almost fallen for. I couldn’t wait to spend time with him and hated being away from him. I would’ve gladly spent all my Sunday mornings curled up in his arms, avoiding the real world. No one had made me that happy in a long time. However, after the three months, I discovered he’d never actually broken up with his girlfriend and had been in love with her the entire time. He’d even gone and visited her in Hong Kong, promising me he’d see me after the trip. Whether he was able to like me and love her at the same time, or had been faking everything for sex, it hurt all the same. He loved her and used me.

It definitely hurts to find out you’re the sidechick. It makes you question everything you had with that person. Was it even real? Were they faking the entire time? And it makes you question yourself. Why me? Am I not good enough to be the main chick? First of all, no matter what excuses this guy (or girl) has, they’re a liar, a cheater, and a selfish jerk. Don’t allow them to make you question yourself. No, this doesn’t mean you’re not as good as the mainchick. No, this doesn’t mean you have a sidechick quality about you (unless you’re doing it intentionally, of course). None of his actions reflect on who you are.

What Can You Do?: 

(If you’re in the situation at the moment) For your own well-being and that of the mainchick’s, let go. The longer you continue to be a sidechick, the more hurt you will be in the end. He’s not a good guy and not someone you should want to continue to be with.

(If you’ve already ended it) Block him and block the mainchick on social media. Nothing is uglier than jealousy and wanting to stalk them constantly to see if they’re hanging out will only hurt you. Delete any trace of him on your phone (I’ll be the first to admit that this is incredibly hard). You can do it whenever you want, but once you have, there’ll be nothing you can look back on. Nothing that will make you miss him or remind you of him (on your phone, at least).

Change your sheets. His smell is probably on them and no matter how much you try and smell them, it won’t make you feel better. It’ll just make you feel sad and lonely. Clean your room. Make sure anything that belonged to him is gone.

Take a break from men or jump right back in. Whichever one feels better—as long as you’re proactive about getting over him, you’re on the right track.  

Personally, I wouldn’t intervene with the relationship. Both times I found out, I never once thought it was a good idea to tell the mainchick that she’s being cheated on. I don’t think it’s any of my business as my relationship was isolated from hers. I think this is something someone needs to come to terms with on their own.

The Guys > The “Good On Paper” Guy: Frank

Frank’s Tinder profile looked great. Ivy league university studying finance, 6′1″, fluent in multiple languages, chiselled abs, an actual job, and just enough looks to be considered a down-to-earth ‘nice guy’ rather than a player ‘pretty boy’. He’s incredibly intelligent and accomplished. He’s the type of guy you admire, but still somehow underestimate. 

How We Met: Tinder. I’d just come back from university, where I’d been hooking up with someone (Kevin). I liked him but he was just in it for the sex. So here I was, on Tinder, vigorously swiping and thinking: fuck Kevin, I’ll find someone to replace him, someone to make me forget about him.

I arranged a date with Frank only a few days after arriving home. Our first date was on the rooftop bar of the Ritz-Carlton. My first impression was “oh…I was hoping he’d look better in person” (I know, shallow). However, after knocking back a few cocktails to compensate for the awkward silences, I had a new appreciation for him. He had a lopsided smile and big green eyes. He was charming in that cute-nerd, adorable-introvert kind of way. I felt the date was a disaster (as I felt so intellectually inferior), but the passionate goodbye kiss in his car said otherwise. 

How It Continued: He arranged date after date, which led to seeing him twice or more times a week and of course, sex (great sex). He texted me everyday (something I really wasn’t used to) and was persistent about seeing me. I felt wanted, and like someone was paying attention to solely me. I wasn’t entirely sure I liked him yet. I mean, I got excited for dates and sex, so maybe I did? I continued going on dates with him, whether out of curiosity or boredom. 

At the same time, I wasn't exactly sure whether any of this was safe. After all, we had met on Tinder. I was very skeptical and guarded about every meeting and would perform background checks with friends constantly. I’d even figured out he’d blocked me on Facebook--a fact I chose to ignore in hopes of keeping things problem-free and just as they were. I told myself he probably just had something embarrassing he didn't want me to see. 

After about two months of dating, he took me to Prague for a weekend. I had a fantastic time seeing the city with him, going to bars, and just exploring with someone in general. It was in Prague that I started to feel comfortable with PDA. We held hands everywhere we went, kissed in dark street corners, and I fell asleep on his shoulder in the taxi back to the hotel. I hadn’t felt this safe with a person in a long time. It felt good to have a deeper connection than my usual four-week flings with the guys at university. It felt good to have someone be there for me on the regular; to have something to look forward to each week. 

After Prague, we had limited time left before I would head back to university to get my things organised before the term. Though each day was filled with ‘I miss you’, ‘come back’ and ‘why aren’t you here right now?’, it was at this time that I discovered his “ex girlfriend’s” Facebook page that stated they were still in a relationship. Again, I chose to put my rose-colored sunglasses on and only think of the good in him and what we had. Maybe she just forgot to take it down? Maybe she just wasn’t over him yet? It felt horrible to have found someone I liked and was actually happy with but to be so far away from them. After a week at university, I decided I’d had enough of feeling lonely and miserable and booked a ticket back home. The costs were 100% worth spending four more weeks of bliss with him.

How It Ended: It was great coming back. I spent the weekends curled up in Frank’s arms after hanging out in sweatpants, watching movies, and dancing around in my kitchen while cooking. All I could think during these moments was: wow, I haven’t felt this happy in so long. All I wanted was to hold onto it as long as possible. But somewhere towards the end of those four weeks, he grew a little distant. It bothered me a lot, but my friends suggested he may genuinely be busy. I believed them because I didn’t want to overreact about yet another insecurity.

Before leaving for university, he told me about a business trip to Tokyo that his mother was pressuring him about. She didn’t want him to leave and neither did I. But I wanted to be supportive because I knew he needed it. A few days into the trip, I discovered he wasn’t actually in Tokyo—but in Hong Kong a.k.a where he’d mentioned his ex-girlfriend of three years was from. After a little detective work, I found out he was spending time with his ex. Suddenly, everything fell into place. This was why he blocked me. This explains the relationship status. I immediately knew I’d been played the entire time. All I could think was: how fucking stupid could I have been? How could I have ignored all those signs just because I wanted to feel happy? All my happiness this summer had been dependent on lies from a guy with no sense of morality or remorse. 

I confronted him about it and luckily he had the decency to tell me the truth. He explained that first and foremost it wasn’t just about the sex between us, but that he genuinely just wanted to hang out with me. His girlfriend had wanted a break from him while she was undertaking a study abroad program, but he wasn’t fond of her decision. ‘I just wanted someone good around me while everything was going badly’, he said as he explained why he needed me around to ‘lean on’ while his mother was sick.

In the end, he still used me for his own gratification, whether emotional or physical, lied to me the entire time, and led me on for three months.

What I learned: Listen to your gut and protect yourself at all costs. The most important thing to do is listen to your instincts. If I had taken the red flags seriously (such as always hiding his phone, blocking me on Facebook, dodging questions about his ex, and becoming distant before his upcoming trip), I could’ve avoided so much hurt and unnecessary drama. Have confidence in yourself. You have the right to confront people about whatever you want. Do not avoid confrontation because you fear being judged or fear affecting your happiness. The earlier the issue is confronted, the less hurt you will be. Protect yourself. After all, you’re the only one you can truly trust. I’d been on guard from fuckboys for so long that I completely underestimated this ‘nice guy’. My fling with Frank was the longest I’d had since my ex (three years ago). Because he treated me properly and was interested in who I was as a person, I let my guard down and believed this was someone I could trust, someone I could show my real feelings to, and someone that wouldn’t hurt me. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Don’t underestimate ‘nice guys’ and protect yourself no matter how good things seem.

Dating > Dating Out of Your League

Whether you’re dating someone that’s intellectually, physically, financially, or socially out of your league, it can definitely be intimidating. We’ve all been victim to one side or the other: are we the settlers or the reachers? (HIMYM reference) Have we settled for someone less than we thought we deserved, or have we reached for someone greater? We’ve also all been on the other side judging. I’ve heard it countless times: “The girl looked like a model—a 10/10 and she was with a guy that was certainly below a 5/10.” “How are they dating? He’s way too smart for her – they’ll have nothing to talk about.” And this is where it all starts: societal expectations of what you deserve based on who you are. However, buying into these expectations and beliefs can really put a strain on dating due to the constant second-guessing. Am I worthy of this person? Do they think less of me? But in reality, your partner probably doesn’t care – that’s why they’re dating you, right? They may be smarter, more good-looking, wealthier, or more popular, but they made a conscious decision to date YOU. It’s really only a problem you’ve built up in your head out of your own insecurities. A difference in “leagues” may be present, but if the person you’re dating likes you for you, does it really matter?

What can you do? If you want to read up on subjects to catch up with their intelligence or wear a little more make up to feel prettier – do it. But from personal experience, this can sometimes get tiring. The best thing to do is work on your insecurities – whether it be changing your mind-set or improving your skills – it’s really all about what you think of yourself.