spectrophotometer

one day, arin suddenly suffered from physical pain, high fever, losing weight, periodic paralysis, and hallucinations.

no doctor could even diagnose their illness.

later, it turned out that arin had "신병Sinbyeong".

arin, the eldest heir to fairfax, was chosen and possessed by spirits.

however, Sinbyeong can only be cured by fully accepting the spirits, which was not what they could do in ny at that time.

yes. they got shot. on their 18th birthday.

ironically, it somehow worked as "내림굿Naerim-gut", a ritual of connecting two worlds between, inducting the new shaman.

----

*cultural explanation for more context below

in korea, shamanism is traditionally and usually a domain of females.

the general term of shamans, "무당Mudang", means females if not specified.

male(i mean amab) shamans are called "박수Baksu"(most commonly used in modern times) or "경문쟁이kyeong-mun-jaeng-i" etc., differs from region to region.

as korean shamanism is a field of females, 박수Baksu sometimes dress/act/voice like female shamans too when they do rituals.

also, whom gods/spirits shamans acquire/serve do not have to match the shaman's gender.

(yes itsverygender-borderlinecrossing) (YES IMSAYINGITASNBMYSELF)

in the realm of spirits, a "the eldest heir" does not have to be the eldest "son". not even the "fairfax heir".

1.

pocket is androphilia. they always have been. they do have a thing for handsome men. especially those who are at least 5 years older than them.

(* 'homosexual' is not a very good word to describe nb person's attraction)

however, they haven't been in any long-lasting relationship.

growing up as the eldest heir of fairfax, every social interaction was to be controlled, measured and judged, leaving them with no options they could choose on their own.

there was a fiance too, whom they met only once or twice in person.

…and we all know how things ended up.

It mightn't have been the same if they had disobeyed, but they were not that type of person either.

trying to figure out one's needs was hard for them. kind of threatening, even. hiding was easier. giving up early was much, much easier. they belived that locking themself in normativity was better for all.

rather than deviating from fairfax's path, they followed what others told them to do.

2.

yet after they were shot, it took quite a time.

they couldn't shake off the thoughts of becoming their father's "eldest, obedient, fairfax-like son."

then one day, just a normal day with no special news, they came to realize.

eldest, obedient, Fairfax-like son.

they could never be the half of it.

but they are trying. slowly but steadily.

admitting is not equal to getting used to.

they still feel awkward when reaching out for what they want. It's hard. now low self-esteem and life safety issues combined together, it really is.

3.

pocket feels insecure about their height, because people often(and easily) misgender them just for being too tall.

(* pocket is one of the tallest among human characters in deadlock)

but none of these worked on their height. instead, they were left with a thin frame. (they're not sure if this is a good thing or not.)

they have been on the taller side ever since childhood.

they tried what they could do to 'not grow up too much', like staying up late, eating less.

well below it's pocketknife time folks

4.

pocket is even taller than shiv according to their current 3d models.

so if pocketknife is doing some kind of classic-height-difference thing, it means that pocket is bending their knees or shiv is standing on a box –

– …like this. (* i'm joking)

and shiv does NOT give a single fuck about pocket being taller than him.

it makes pocket feel relieved somehow.

despite being shorter, shiv still can lift pocket so easily.

...it gives pocket some very certain kind of imagination.

...or maybe it works for both of them.