Sic Parvis Magna

Other clinically bad takes (x)

im boutta end this man’s whole career, literally charging right at him with this disk horse like we’re in a jousting tournament

ABSOLUTELY NO PROTECTION FROM SCOOTER ANKLE. LOOK AT THAT. NOTHING. NOT A SINGLE BIT. THIS MANS GONNA HOP OFF THE FUCKIN’ TING ON HIS WAY TO A WAR COUNCIL MEETING AND GET HIS FUCKIN TIBULA AND HIS FIBULA SHATTERED AT MINIMUM. DON’T EVEN TRY TO PASS THAT LITTLE BEYONCÉ CD’S + BOTTLE CAPS ENSEMBLE YOU HAVE ON THEM AS ARMOR (EXAMPLE OF MENTIONED SCOOTER DANGER IN THIS BRIEF VIDEO HERE -> [x])

KNEE TARGETS??? SERIOUSLY DARLING? WHAT??? WAS YOUR COUSIN A GUARD FROM WHITERUN? MAYBE THE REASON WHY YOU WEREN’T MADE A COMPANION IS BECAUSE YOU GOT SHOT IN THE KNEE HUH

WHAT ARE THOSE BELT THINGS? THE FUCK EVEN IS WITH THAT LITTLE CHAIN? YOU USE IT LIKE A LOCK ON THE APARTMENT DOOR OR SMTH? INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW, THOSE MILE LONG SHOELACES YOU PROBABLY HAVE ON THE BACK?

LOOK I KNOW YOU’RE A 100% ORGANIC LEAN MEAT NO ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING HIMBO, BUT YOU REALLY COULDN’T THINK TO INVEST IN GENUINE PLATED GREAVES INSTEAD OF THIS? IF THE REST OF THE OUTFIT GONNA BE STRAIGHT FROM FERELDAN GUCCI YOU CAN’T BE GOING TO FERELDAN AÉROPOSTALE IN THE BACK OF THE CLEARANCE SECTION FOR THE SHOES

[deep inhale] AND LISTEN. JUST LISTEN. I KNOW YOU LOVE YOUR GLORIFIED LION FURSUIT BUT FOR THE LOVE OF THE MAKER AT LEAST LET IT BE FUNCTIONAL MY DEAR, IF YOU’RE GONNA BE THE INQUISITION’S MASCOT AT THE PEP RALLY I GREATLY DISAPPROVE BUT JUST MAKE THE WHOLE THING LOOK GOOD IF YOU’RE GONNA DO IT

FINAL POINT. NOW, LET’S LOOK AT THE ONES HE WORE AT THE WINTER PALACE, LET’S SEE THE DIFFERENCE SHALL WE:

Winter Palace:

They’re thigh highs. You see these bring out certain traits, for example; ass, ass, and ass

Listen if you’re gonna be thicc in the skull, you gotta be thicc in the lower half too and be proud of it

I don’t like to view the (very few) men I fancy like a KFC discount menu but when it comes to the thighs you know it counts too

Normal outfit:

The only ass this accentuates on him is the dumbass. Yes, he’s still dumm thicc, so much so that you could classify him as foolishly thicc dare I say, but come on.

Ok enough about his rear but in all honesty we know I’m right abt this

those boots are a crime of fashion through their mere existence

and this is the hottest take of this post:

-they couldnt make him bi because he clearly Cannot coordinate a complete oufit, AND he cannot cuff the ends of his trousers with boots like that on anyway (keyword: complete, im pretty ok w/ the rest of his look although I prefer his “wicked grace loser” outfit)

listen i love him but this is a mess and we can all agree on it

@blightning

^did i give you whiplash? was the whiplash enough to send you on a cart to helgen?

(TL;DR) Just as the ancient visions of wisdom have, I ask thee;

YES this post gave me such bad whiplash that i blacked out and woke up hearing the words “hey you. you’re finally awake. you were trying to cross the border, right?”

not only am i furious about the fact that everything you said in this post is 100% true (which makes it that much worse) YOU LITERALLY HAD ME THINKING U WERE GOING TO WRITE SOME SERIOUS ANALYSIS ABOUT CULLEN’S CHARACTER OR HIS RECOVERY ARC BUT NO

YOU JUST MOCKED THIS POOR MAN’S FASHION SENSE like yes he dresses like the thedas equivalent of a middle school boy whose mom is letting him dress himself for the first time but YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO MAKE A CALLOUT POST

challenge: accepted

boot discourse: begun

they’re FUNCTIONAL and REASONABLE!! leather is an extremely durable and flexible material that offers lightweight protection without hindering movement. it’s exactly the kinda shoe cullen would have!!

cullen doesn’t need protection from scooter ankle because he’s clearly a heelys man, not a scooter man. cullen is REASONABLE as we already established and heelys are more stealthy, compact and portable than razor scooters so of course he has them (and yes he does heely across the battlements while making direct eye contact with the recruits)

the knee targets are PERFECTLY DESIGNED to cushion and protect him when he’s on his knees. (why is he on his knees, you ask? don’t ask. you already know. praying to the maker and his bride, obviously.) not only that, but he must be prevented from taking arrow to the knee at all costs, no other part of the leg matters as much.

they’re ugly modest. yes, this is a good thing. anything else would clash with his fursuit cloak and armor. there would just be too much going on.

everything he wears is CUTE because he’s TRYING SO HARD because this is the first time he’s been allowed to pick his own clothes in ten years so don’t be a MEANIE!!!

I agree on you with the heelys, however I stand by that he would also use a scooter for the fact that it doubles as a melee (and/or ranged if he’s feeling like it) weapon.

I will be kinder as you have suggested, and believe that this crime of fashion was not entirely his fault. I will now assume that he bought his armor in a set, and the metalworker got annoyed with him and just forced the boots on him and sent him on his unfashionable merry way to the Inquisition.

As you can see I’ve pulled these examples from where his cousin lives, which goes to prove that you DO NOT have to give up style for protection and functionality.

The example on the left is not only maintains the look without making it too overwhelming for your “clearly not a warrior class” eyes, but in theory this is the best choice for what he could have gotten. If anything the boots he has now would probably be of more expense due to those intricate little excuses of “armor designs” on them. These are simple, but still more stylish AND functional than those other boots could ever be.

No weird yellow trim at the top, comprehensible buckles, and yes, they do protect his knees even better than that other pair of ‘shoes’ did. Don’t even act like he’s on his knees to worship the Maker right now though. He’s busy with cleaning up the stuff around his desk.

Now on the right we have a view of what the boots would look like without the armor, which goes to show that the shoe isn’t completely made out of metal because this man may be a fool, but he knows better than to be clonking around in Orlesian la croix cans for shoes.

Moving on to our next set of examples, although do keep in mind to disregard that these are sandals, and keep in mind the point that I am discussing these pieces as boots rather than that:

You see these? If a certain mighty misthios can scale literal mountains with these on AND sneak about an Athenian fort, Cullen wouldn’t have to risk detection nor mobility from, wait, what?

WHAT WOULD THIS MAN BE SNEAKING FROM? THE SEEKER? WHAT IN THE MAKER’S NAME IS HE GETTING UP TO? the ONLY sneaking he should be doing is getting to and from the inquisitor’s quarters, and

ABSOLUTELY NOT to jump his recruits like a feral cat with a tab of alka-seltzer in his mouth and a telephone book in hand.

anyway

The leftmost pair are well detailed, and would go along well with the rest of his armor. The lines here would go well to contrast the ones you see on the plate of his armor. Same goes for the middle pair, which are a tad bit less extravagant, but serve the same purpose and fill in the same requirements to maintain style and functionality.

Now for the rightmost pair of greaves. Now this is peak (as long as they’re silver to match the rest of his outfit!). Since these protect almost all of his legs, they also practically double as thigh highs. Now we know my opinion on that already. The patterns are well made, not too fancy but not too bland, and he keeps his Aesthetic™️ pretty well with these if you ask me.

honestly,, those greaves from odyssey really do slap. like i saw the lion engraving and u got me. i can’t defend cullen’s wack ass fuckin hot topic chain boots after that. im a mage class player and that means yes i WILL perish in battle for stylish boots and nice robes that i refuse to cover up with very much armor and NO i WILL NOT apologize for it

anyway, discourse is over, class dismissed, the battlefield is clear

Make Me Choose:

It has a shocking amount of diversity for its genre:

(The player characters for BDL1 including a black man, a woman, and a latino man.)

(The player characters for BDL2 including a bisexual man (which is shown in canon, not just confirmed by the devs), an asexual woman (who is also confirmed to be the leader), another latino man, a nonbinary person, a disabled girl genius, and Krieg.)

(The player characters for The Pre-Sequel including a disabled man, a robot, a lesbian woman (who ends up in a relationship with another woman by the end of the game), an older black woman, a millennial, and an Indian woman.)

(And I’m also including Ellie in here because she’s a fat woman who is confident in herself and isn’t made into a joke and you get to kill a bunch of people who try to make fun of her)

…and doesn’t fall into the trap of being “gritty” and “realistic” by making a bleak, beige landscape. While the world of Pandora is a hellhole, it looks honestly awesome. 

It’s colorful and vibrant, with amazing characters and it’s hilarious, but doesn’t shy away from darker moments. (Spoilers in links)