An idle mind is the devil's playground

i daydream about sharing intimacy ~ not even in the sexual way, even though i wouldnt say no to that, but no, i just picture myself waking up at your place, yawning and stretching in your bed (or on the couch), walking to the bathroom to freshen up and then going to the kitchen for a glass of water, looking outside the big windows. i would maybe put some music, low volume, and then do some yoga. you’d eventually get up too and enjoy the view. saba7o, let’s eat a little something. i just want to be present and mindful with you. 

as i am trying to get rid of any expectations i might have about our relationship-to-be, and as i try to accept that your friendship only would already fill me with joy, i realize i’m still placing expectation on that very friendship instead of letting it grow the way it wants to. i’m making up all of these scenes in my head - and even though i *could* make them happen, maybe they would never feel like what i imagined, maybe they will always feel faked and not genuine enough. i would always ask myself if you enjoy them the way that i do, if you pictured them before as well or if you’re happy in that very moment. 

it’s hoping you’re feeling the same but always telling myself that you are not, and then half-trying anyway.

it’s an unending fight between acknowledging i’ve already fallen for you and trying to convince myself i don’t need you to like me back in the same way. maybe it will settle itself out with time, like it did in the past. 

it’s placing so much value on your being in my life somehow that i almost forget the value that I bring.

le moindre geste, regard, frottement laisse sur moi une empreinte 

et les voix, les odeurs et les lumières se font échos

une subtilité à mon égard m’émeut et me fais rêver des jours durant

for a few days, as long as needed. read books and newspapers. have my friends calling me, and meeting up with them for a coffee and to talk about what i’ve read. 

to be away from the things I cannot accept.