harper 𝜗𝜚

After a twelve hour shift, Samira felt her exhaustion deep in her bones.

This shift had been just like the rest—draining, overwhelming. It was just how the ER worked, Samira knew that, but it’s like she couldn’t quite catch her footing in the hustle and bustle of it all. She felt lost. Robby breathing down her neck and his constant reprimanding didn’t help either. Something about him made Samira’s blood boil. Samira knew where he was coming from. She understood that wasn’t the best doctor, not by text book definition, but she was trying. Really trying. Her own self doubt weighed heavily on her shoulders. Samira just wished Robby could see that…

Exiting PTMC, Samira caught her first breath of fresh air. The night air was cool and serene, soothing her mind which swirled anxiously with uncertainty. Samira took a deep breath, letting the brisk September air comb through her disheveled waves of hair and kiss her face, which was pinched with worry. She tried not to think too deeply. She tried not to let the frustrated, disappointed look on Robby’s face affect her. But she did. Samira let it all affect her, let it all burrow underneath her skin and eat away at her. Samira didn’t know what she was doing. She was in her third year of residency, for gods sake, she should know what’s she doing.

But how come she was so lost? So unsure?

Samira was beginning to spiral when suddenly, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Then, Samira remembered. Jack was picking her up. Jack: the only thing Samira was sure about in her life these days. Waving away the gloomy cloud that lingering over her, Samira swallowed the lump in her throat and saw Jacks text on her lock screen. Here, It read. Samira figured he’d be in the main parking lot so she began making her way there, every step she took felt heavy. She was beginning to realize just how exhausted she was. All her limbs felt like jell-o. Though, it was nice to have a moment to herself, a moment to not have to worry whether if someone was gonna make it out alive or not.

.

The main parking lot was mostly deserted. A few unfamiliar cars parked scattered all over the lot, but Samira easily spotted Jacks truck. His truck was a little beat up because he’s had it for a hot minute. Samira crossed the parking lot and walked up to the passenger side of Jacks truck but Jack wasn’t paying attention. He sat in the drivers seat, his readers perched on his nose, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he looked at something on his phone. He enjoyed reading books on his phone. Samira smiled and chuckled to herself before knocking on the window, watching as Jack looked up over to Samira and raised his eyebrows, clearly a little startled.

Jack unlocked the passenger side door and Samira opened it, climbing in and settling in beside him. She pulled the seatbelt over herself. Jack set his phone down in a cup holder after taking off his readers. He then turned his keys in the ignition and his quickly truck roared to life, despite its old age. “It’s cold out, why didn’t you knock sooner?” Jack asked, his voice a little gruff from its lack of use. “You looked cute with your readers on.” Samira said simply, getting comfortable and leaning back against the car seat, sighing softly. Jacks lips quirked into a smile, amused and a little flustered. “But you were cold.” He insisted. “Can I not admire you?” Samira inquired, glancing over at Jack, who looked briefly at her before focusing on the road.

“That’s not what I’m saying. I just don’t want you to freeze your ass off, babe.” Jack said while he pulled out of the parking lot and drove out of the hospital vicinity. Samira just smiled and shook her head, looking out the passenger window—watching as the world passed by in a blur of lights and colorful blobs. Familiar streets. A small town. She couldn’t wait to get home and suffocate herself in her bed sheets and escape reality. Jack snuck a glance at Samira from the corner of his eye, noticing the exhaustion that radiated over her. He looked back at the road. “Tired?” Jack questioned lowly. He knew what the ER could do to you. If you got too caught up in the waves, you would drown and resurfacing wasn’t a necessarily simple process.

Samira hummed. “Yeah.” She muttered. “Long shift.” Jack raised an eyebrow while he made a turn. The streets of Pittsburgh were usually empty during this time of night. It was quaint, for once, save for the buzzing tension between Samira and Jack—unspoken words hanging over them, looming; daunting; terrifying. “Just a long shift?” Jack prodded, reaching over to grab one of Samira’s hands. His large, calloused hand engulfed hers. Freckles against dusky-brown. Jack knew Samira wouldn’t open up unless he pushed. He didn’t mean to poke or come off as aggressive, he just wanted to know—wanted to know what was wrong with his girl. Jack didn’t want to worry about Samira. He didn’t like to worry, period.

Samira looked down at their intertwined hands. Jack always wore the same watch. He had the same truck for years. He wore the same shoes. He ordered the same thing from their favorite sandwich place every time. Jack was simple. Samira was… complex, or so she thought. Samira inhaled and tightened her grasp on Jacks hand. When she did so, Jack began softly skimming his thumb over the back of her hand. “I can’t read your mind, you know.” Jack remarked after a moment of silence, his voice steady, not trying to be mean. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m just.. trying to find the words.” Samira breathed out. The words she wanted to say, they just got caught in her throat. “Don’t be sorry. You can take your time. I’m here for you.” Jack murmured.

In the few months they’ve been together, Jack has been slowly (but surely) beginning to put together the pieces of Samira. She thought she was so complex, so difficult when in reality, she was just a very intelligent, empathetic, kind girl struggling. Jack knew about how Samira felt lost in life, like the Google Maps of life held a personal grudge against her and refused to give her the GPS to success. Jack knew the uncertainty within Samira had swelled after everything that has happened with her mother. Samira’s strategically put together life crumpled after her mother’s impulse. He could only imagine how she felt. Jack also knew how severely the ER consumed her. But he also knew how passionate she was about her craft, and how deeply her mistakes resonated with her.

Jack cleared his throat, retaining his hold on Samira’s hand. Her hand was so soft and fit perfectly against his. “Look,” He began, putting together the sentences and the right words in his head. Jack wasn’t the best with words but after a year or so of therapy, he felt like he could try. Jack would try for Samira. He also didn’t want to let this linger in the air, especially because Samira was visibly upset. “You.. don’t have to be perfect. You’re a third year resident, you have the rest of this year and the next to figure stuff out.” Jack said, his voice low and tentative, tasting each and every word as they came out. “and It’s okay if you don’t have everything planned out. No one’s… upset at you if you don’t have everything planned out.”

“I know that.” Samira mumbled quietly, gazing briefly at Jack before looking at the windshield of which dead bugs were pilled up upon. “I just feel like a mess when I don’t have everything together, like I’m failing. Everyone expects so much of me. They look up to me and I don’t even know what I’m doing.” Samira felt her throat tightening up as she spoke. Jack noticed in the way her voice wavered, the way her grasp on his hand tightened. His chest ached. “You’re not failing, you’re a goddamn doctor, Samira. You just don’t know where you’re going yet and that’s okay. Half of us are still lost in life. It’s only human.” Jack squeezed Samira’s hand, his other on the steering wheel—guiding his truck down the familiar streets of Pittsburgh.

“What if I don’t ever find out what I want to do in life? What If i’m just suck in this loop of being lost and doubting myself?” Samira asked Jack hoarsely. Her eyes suddenly felt wet and she tried to blink it back, but the tears persevered. Though, she managed to ward them off, worrying at her lower lip. “You will find something, baby. You will fall in love with something, and you’ll pursue it. Maybe it will be emergency medicine. Maybe you’ll go become a surgeon or I dunno, an anesthesiologist. Whatever it is, you’ll be successful in it because you’re so incredibly smart and empathetic. You have to stop doubting yourself.” Jack spoke warmly, his voice so gentle—like the wind that had kissed Samira’s face. Samira sucked in a shaky breath.

“Robby doesn’t seem to think so. He hates me.” Samira sniffled and sunk into the passenger seat, wishing it would swallow it whole. Maybe then she wouldn’t have to deal with all of this. “He doesn’t hate you.” Jack smiled wryly while he pulled up to their favorite family-ran diner, driving through the small parking lot and finding a spot. They were always open at the odd hours of night. “Robby is definitely a bitch, yes. He handles things the wrong way, yes. But in some way, he’s trying to push you to be your best. He knows what you’re capable of. So do I.” Samira huffed incredulously and looked out the window, looking at the diner, her eyes still stinging. The diner had very big windows.

From inside of the diner, two love stuck teenagers sat a table, sharing a smoothie and giggling—all rosy cheeked and wide eyed. At another table, weary parents sat with their children, looking fondly at their rambunctious children who were playing around. So much life. So much to live for. Samira swallowed the lump in her throat. “What am I capable of?” She questioned, to both herself and Jack. The question lingered in the air, heavily. “Anything you set your mind to.” Jack murmured after a moment of silence while putting his truck in park. Once the truck was parked, Jack turned to Samira, reaching out and tucking her wavy hair behind her ear. His touch was soothing and careful. “There are so many opportunities awaiting you. I believe in you. Everyone does. You can do hard things.” Samira looked at Jack, her eyes glassy with unshed tears.

This is the first time Jack has seen Samira like this. Usually, she dismisses any concern and acts all happy-go-lucky when Jack knows that deep down, she’s hurting. Everyone is. No one can be that happy all the time. Jack certainly isn’t, not after everything he’s been through. Jack looks into Samira’s eyes, his eyes warm and understanding and kind. “It’s okay.” He whispered, his thumbs brushing under Samira’s eyes, whipping away the tears that had managed to fall. “You’re okay.” Jack leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Samira’s forehead and then her cheeks, tasting salt and feeling a dampness on his lips. He pulled back and cupped her face with both his palms, watching as she wept quietly. He hated seeing her like this. “It’s okay, baby.”

Samira coughed a little, still crying. “I feel like such a mess. I’m so.. fucking stressed out and I hate working here. I only did this because of my mom but she doesn’t even care, Jack. She doesn’t care. I did all of this for her.” Samira choked out between her tears. Jack hated that they were still in the car. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, make all her problems go away but he knows that’s not how it works and being outside while she was in the state would be embarrassing for her. Jack brushed Samira’s hair out of her face, listening as she vented, his chest feeling tight. “You’re not a mess, you’re learning, you’re figuring stuff out. It’s okay to be angry, upset and stressed out. Get it all out.” Jack whispered, tucking Samira’s hair behind her ears so it wouldn’t get wet. “Your mom doesn’t realize how amazing and intelligent you are. She’s missing out and she doesn’t deserve the effort you’re putting in. You can’t center your career around her, not now.”

Samira choked, looking at Jack with wide, watery eyes and tear streaks running down her cheeks. “But—“You need to do this for yourself. You’re too intelligent to be worrying about other people. You have to be selfish, just this once, and focus on yourself and what you want. You don’t have to work here. You don’t have to care about what anyone’s says or what Robby thinks.” Jack cut off Samira, his voice firm as he fought to get through her thick skull. He just wishes Samira would understand how great she was. Samira looked at Jack, swallowing dryly and closing her eyes for a long moment before she reopened them. “What if I leave? what about you?” Samira questioned, her voice weak and shaky. Jack took a deep breath, his eyes softening. “I’ll always find my way back to you.” Jack said. “You need to spread your wings, Samira. Go to a big city. Make a name for yourself. But when you come back, I’ll be here waiting for you. Always.”

The tears slowed. Samira took a deep breath and the two sat in silence for a moment, just looking at each other, marinating in the words they’d shared. Everything that has been hanging above them finally came crashing down. Jack was glad that Samira got it off her chest, that he was able to be her rock. After a long moment, Jack cleared his throat. “I think I have tissues.” He murmured, smiling wryly. There was a brief pause before Samira gave a snotty laugh, sniffling. “Okay.” She murmured back, watching with puffy eyes as Jack reached into the center console and pulled out a small pack of tissues with a cute cartoon design on it. “Thanks.” Samira coughed softly and took the pack of napkins, wiping her eyes and nose before tucking it into her pocket. “Hungry?” Jack then questioned. Samira just gave a wet giggle.

.

As Samira got out of the truck, she felt more lighter than when she’d gotten in. Jack always had a way of making things better, easier. Samira closed the door and rounded to the front of Jacks truck, meeting him. Jack let out a sigh, feigning exasperation, before he opened his arms to beckon Samira over for a hug. “Come here.” He murmured softly, watching with warm eyes as Samira waddled over to him with a tired smile and wrapped her arms around his waist, her head resting against his chest. Jack hummed and embraced her, resting his chin on top of her head, his arms snuggly wrapped around her. “Thanks for opening up to me. I know how much courage it takes, I’m proud of you.” Jack said against Samira’s head, pressing a kiss to the crown of her hair. “I’m always here for you, you know. I care a lot about you. I don’t want you to drown in stress and doubt.”

“Thank you for listening to me.” Samira muttered against Jacks chest, taking a deep breath and relishing in his warmth and the musky smell of his cologne. She was so thankful for Jack. They eventually pulled back from their embrace but remained close, their breath mingling. Jack looked at Samira, taking in the puffiness of her eyes and the light flush on her cheeks. “Don’t thank me. I’d do anything for you.” Jack mumbled. She was beautiful and too good for him. Cupping her cheek, Jack leaned in and pressed a sweet and brief kiss to Samira’s lips. Jack tasted like mint and his mouth was slick. Samira could feel his scruff lightly scratching her, a sensation that she’d grown accustomed to. After a few sweet kisses and breaking apart, Jack grabbed Samira’s hand and intertwined their fingers once more, squeezing her hand twice before leading her towards the diner.

“What do you think you’re gonna get?” Jack inquired as they approached the diner they frequently went to. Well, Jack had been going there longer than Samira but it wasn’t long before it became their spot. Jack and Samira were acquainted with the diners owners. The owners, who were wife and husband, were fond of the couple. Samira thought carefully for a moment about Jacks question. “I don’t know. I really liked their pancakes last time, so.. pancakes?” Samira looked at Jack, smiling a little. Jack nodded. “Good choice.” He said, glancing at Samira quickly. When they got up to the sidewalk that led to the diner, Jack let go of Samira’s hand and went to open the door for her. “Ladies first.”

.

Entering the diner, Jack and Samaria were immediately immersed in a welcoming environment. Despite the late hour, it was quite lively within the diner. Animated chatter hummed throughout. The clinking of dishes came from the kitchen. The smell of fresh coffee and food wafted and hit Samaria like a smack to the face. Her stomach growled and she felt heat rise to her cheeks. God, she’d been more hungry than she thought. Samira didn’t have much time to well over her embarrassment when a waiter came over to the two of them. Samira recognized her—Susan, an older lady with bleach blonde hair and cakey makeup. Samira smiled politely at the woman. “Hey, guys. Welcome back. Just two tonight?” The woman asked, her voice chirpy and polite. “Mhm. Thanks, Susan.” Jack nodded. Susan grinned with her pearly teeth. “Of course. Follow me.”

Susan led Jack and Samira through the diner to their booth. It’s like the diner had froze in time, with its tacky vinyl booths and sticky checkered flooring. It was cozy and charming. Susan eventually came up to an empty booth and gestured for Jack and Samira to sit. “Coffee to start off, correct?” Susan took out her notepad and began scribbling down their order. Jacky sat across from Samira in their booth and cleared his throat. “Yes, please. I’ll have my regular and she will have the pancakes. Syrup on the side, please.” Jack ordered steadily. Sudan nodded as she took their order. She gave a smile and looked at the two. “Okay! I’ll get that coffee for you. Your food will be ready soon.” Susan put her pen back into her apron. “Thanks.” Samira said, watching as Susan walked away before her eyes flickered back over to Jack. True by Spandau Ball came on over the diners speakers.

“I used to love this song.” Jack smiled crookedly at the sound of the familiar melody of the intro. “The first time I heard it was when I was at the movies with my older sister. We were going to see Sixteen Candles and around the end of the movie, you know, when they’re at the church. The song comes on. After the movie, I searched desperately for it. Once I found it, It was on repeat.” He continued, reaching for a napkin and beginning to fold it. Samira chuckles a little. “I didn’t take you as the type to enjoy chick flicks.” She teased, her eyes flickering away from Jacks face and down to the napkin he was folding. An odd habit of his, one that she was oddly fond of. “Well with three sisters, I kinda learned to love them.” Jack smirked and glanced briefly at Samira before focusing on folding the napkin. “You’ll have to meet them sometime. They’ve really shaped me into who I am today.”

“And they’ve shaped your movie and music taste.” Samira added on. Jack snorted. “Yes, that too.” He finished folding the napkin and turned it around to show Samira. Jack had folded the napkin into a heart. Samira felt her stomach swarm with butterflies at the sight of the heart shaped napkin. She picked it up and looked at it, smiling, her dimples appearing. Samira was just about to say something when Susan came back to their table with a pot of coffee and two mugs. She set them down on the table and grinned at the couple. “Here ya go. Your food will be out soon!” She chirped before quickly buzzing off to tend to another table. Samira took a deep breath and looked at Jack. “What were your sisters like?” She asked, reaching for another napkin, beginning to fold it while she waited for Jack to answer. Jack grabbed the mugs and poured coffee into them, humming as he thought about his answer.

“Kind.” He said simply once he filled the coffee mugs decently. Jack reached for the creamer Susan had bought over along with the coffee and pouring some into both mugs. After doing so, he slid one mug over to Samira, who was still focused on folding the napkin. “I had one older sister, then the other two were born after me. They each taught me something, whether it was how to treat a lady or to be patient and understanding.” Jack brought the mug up to his lips and took a deliberate sip of his coffee, letting the warm liquid coat his throat before he spoke again. “What about you?” He then inquired. Samira finished folding the napkin and gave it to Jack. It was folded in a little bunny. Jack smiled, feeling his heart flutter. “I was an only child so, uh..” Samira trailed off, running her fingers over the design on the mug. “Yeah. My parents didn’t really like each other enough to have another kid.”

“Did they divorce?” Jack asked kindly, taking another sip of coffee. “Yep. My mom’s remarried and stuff. You know that, though.” Samira wrapped her fingers around the mug and took a drink, sighing in relief. This warm cup of coffee was much needed. “You never told me about your dad.” Jack observed, his curious eyes on Samira, admiring her. “He passed, unfortunately, from a heart attack. Just a few years back.” Sheeran mumbled, placing her mug down and keeping her eyes down on the table. Jack, mentally, took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.” He murmured, reaching out and placing his hand atop Samira’s, skimming his thumb over the back of her hand. There was a moment of silence. Jack cleared his throat. “I know how hard it can be. My wife, she died and I just felt.. so miserable for years. Grief is a bitch, not glitter or whatever else they stay. I still miss her. The feeling never goes away, not as the years go by.” Jack said, his voice low. Samira nodded, her eyes flickering up to meet Jacks.

Samira adjusted her hand and intertwined their fingers together once more. “I miss my dad. I wish he was still here. I think he’d be proud of how far I’ve come.” Samira brushed her finger over the ring on Jacks finger. “I bet he is proud of you. I know I am, anyone would be. You should be proud of yourself, too.” Jack smiled at Samira, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Samira swallowed dryly. “It’s just hard… to be happy of everything I’ve done. I could be doing so much more and be doing so much better.” She said hastily before taking inhaling sharply. “I feel like I’m doing too much. I’m overbearing, I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m fine, really, I just..” Jack raised an eyebrow at Samira in the midst of taking a sip of coffee. He slowly lowered his mug back down onto the table. “Samira. You’re not fine. It’s okay to not be fine all the time. If you need to talk, a shoulder to lean on, someone to just listen, I’m here.”

“And you’re not too much. You’re not overbearing. I worry about you because I care.” Jack reassured Samira, his voice all low and soft. Just as Jack was about to continue, Susan came bouncing over with a tray full of food. A stack of pancakes and a classic breakfast skillet. “Pancakes for the lady, and a skillet for the man.” Susan announced while she set the food down in front of Samira and Jack, who both gave their thanks. “No problem, folks. Let me know if you guys need anything else!” Susan gave another beaming grin before prancing off. “Thank you for.. everything.” Samira murmured after a moment. Jack shook his head. “You don’t have to thank me for anything. I appreciate your manners but stop doing that. This is the bare minimum, baby, and you deserve the whole world.” Jack picked up his fork and knife and began digging into the small skillet full of eggs, sausage and hash brown. “I like helping. I like listening to you. I like giving you crap. I like you, and that doesn’t require any thanks.”

.

After a filling meal and a quiet drive back home, Jack and Samira arrived at Jacks townhouse. Samira had been staying with Jack these past few weeks. One night had turned into a week. Then a week turned into a few. Jack liked feeling useful and liked taking care of Samira. Besides, she had spruced up his place a little bit. Before Samira came by, Jacks townhouse had been bare—lacking personality and decoration. Seeing her touch up his place made Jacks chest tightened. No one had since his life had done so for him. Jack unlocked the front door and let Samira in before him. Upon entering, Jack saw the piles of shoes. A few pairs were his but most of them were Samira’s. Then on the table in the foyer, sat Samira’s keys, her umbrella, her books. Jack smiled to himself, watching as Samira toed off his shoes while his German Shepard—Rocky, came running over to them.

A wagging tail and a big smile, Rocky circled around Samira’s legs and barked, clearly happy to see her more than Jack. Samira smiled, despite her lingering exhaustion and sadness. She was really fond of Rocky. Samira had never really been concerned about ever getting a pet before but Rocky was definitely growing on her. “Hey, buddy.” Samira cooed, crouching down to Rocky’s level and petting his neck. Rocky, obviously very happy, nudged against Samira and knocked her onto her butt. Samira let out a soft “oof” and sat on her butt, giggling tiredly as Rocky got on her and licked her face. “Happy to see me?” She asked playfully, indulging in Rocky and giving him more pets. Jack tossed his keys onto the table and walked over to Rocky and Samira, sitting down beside Samira and pressing a kiss to her temple before looking at Rocky.

“I think he likes you more than me.” Jack remarked while reaching out to scratch Rocky behind his ears. Samira grinned. “Maybe.” She said before wrapping her arms around Rocky and hugging the dog, who leaned contentedly into her embrace. Samira looked at Jack with glittering eyes and that dimpled smile of hers. Jacks chest tightened as he looked back at Samira, his eyes full of admiration and fondness. Jack was really smitten. He was scared at how fast he was falling for Samira but it all felt natural and right. Like this was meant to happen. Jack felt his cheeks get warm. He just chuckled before biting back a smile. “You’re beautiful.” Jack said softly. Samira let go of Rocky, who was over the hug and scampered away, and gazed at Jack. “You think?” She asked, blushing, too. Jack nodded and reached out to cup the side of Samira’s face, brushing his thumb over the flush on her face. “Yeah.” He murmured before leaning in and capturing her lips.