crizarah

honestly, my fault for logging back into my twitter account the only one i'm choosing to deadname because what the fuck is x? but i blame mile and apo (and reset the series 😩🫶🏼) for it.

shine is not about how high we can get it trending on social media; it's discussions about our history—not necessarily thai—and how we can learn from it in terms of human rights, protests, and military dictatorship, even queer representation and others that shine is encouraging us to speak up on and you chose to complain about numbers?

shine isn't kinnporsche. let's start there. while i could talk about their similarities, that's a different conversation.

i understand feeling "underwhelmed" that we aren't used to getting the numbers that we did three years ago. say something about it, sure. however, we're getting people to talk about something that mirrors current world events. thai audiences are applauding shine for the topics they bring up and the levels of explicitness they're leaning into. shine brings so many global and non-bl audiences, it appeals to them. isn't that more of an accomplishment rather than trending #1 worldwide with a bajillion tweets?

i get it. it's a mileapo project, i want to them to get the coverage and acclaimation they deserve. i'm tweeting every observation, analysis, and punch line i catch and come up with not just to be part of, again, a very significant conversation that everyone should be having but also to show the artists and production team how much i appreciate their project. that i support them. to show that i want them to succeed. but to whine about nothing but the trends is so shallow and against everything shine stands for.

haven't you noticed the lack of forced cringe product placement? don't you think there's a reason for that? did you think mile and apo donated/didn't accept their talent fees because they just didn't feel like it? did you think them casting peter, a thai-ukrainian was just for aesthetics? that son's and euro's characters in the library was for the sake of having a sex scene and getting the series to trend? do you even understand anything about the series at all?

also, casual viewers exist. *gasp* they do? yeah. they do. and it's not their fault. and just because they aren't tweeting about it, doesn't mean they aren't actively fighting for basic human rights wherever they're from. there are people who have grown out of social media. there are people who don't breathe twitter or tiktok. that doesn't mean they aren't talking about it.

either you're too young or you're too narrow-minded to be watching shine. if it's the latter, hopefully, you actually get to learn something from it as the series goes on and find something productive to do with your time rather than whining about not trending #1 on a social media app.

a lot of people on twitter are speaking up about how there are, apparently, bl viewers who refuse to watch or continue watching shine because they don't understand it???

i've always said shine is a series for every one given its relevancy to historical and current events. sure, there are metaphors everywhere—jargons, inside thai jokes, or so if you're someone who stuggles with the sort of dialogue that isn't straightforward, this is a good place to start. just as a lot of shine viewers have stated, you don't have to know everything about late 60's and early 70's thai history to watch shine.

there are a lot of viewers who aren't native english speakers so it's easy to find a community on social media to help you understand things and aspects you find difficulty understanding. if you're already here on twitter, you're already in the right place for that.

you may simply not like the series for personal opinions on production choices and such, but shine is a political series—politics. it's supposed to be analytical, tactical, gets your brain going, some do research, some give their inputs and theories—basically basic fandom activities just more "intense" (that isn't the right adjective, but i can't think of anything else that the moment). it may feel overwhelming, but that's what politics makes everyone feel, especially right now.

so if your complaint is "it's bl, it's not supposed to be complicated", i hate to break it to you, but society made queer culture and representation in media—and in general—complicated. that's why shine is so relevant!

boc and the actors have claimed it to be an ml (mens' love) rather than bl (boys' love) to create a clear distinction of themes, but i, personally, don't think theme matters that much; shine may feel different from other bls because rather than focusing the plot on characters' sexual orientations, on them being gay, achillean, or queer, the plot focuses on the characters' lives and they just happen to be queer. a lot of series are like this; gap the series, manner of death, spare me your mercy, and other series and films where their sexual orientation and/or gender identity still plays a role in the plot but the plot is not dependent on it.

last saturday, shine the series finally premiered with it's first episode. i went into this knowing all the details available regarding the production so let me just say, it was so good. too good.

i'm just happy to see mile and apo in another boc production. the introduction of different characters, the setting, the inescapable politics, the incorporation of the far side of the moon—everything about it just got me so excited. though this being only eight episodes makes me slightly disappointed because i believe such a production should be at least 10 to 12 episodes (same as my opinion regarding 4 minutes), but alas, i've never hated a boc project.

i'm not a rabid boc company fan by all means, but i just love what they have to deliver. they're most certainly a company that prioritizes quality which is really everything i could ask for.

⚠︎ spoilers ahead ⚠︎

“your body is his temple. you must never, ever pollute that temple.”

and so he did not.

instead, maurice discovered the temple—explored it with awe, filled it with feeling, fear, and fierce humanity. he refused to desecrate it by denying himself. and i think that’s what makes it closer to holiness than any rigid idea of purity ever could.

this film isn't just a romance; it’s a becoming story disguised as one, and it begins with a lesson on puberty and procreation through a quietly raised question: when do we speak, and when do we stay silent?

"i simply can't think of a reply to that."

"what about saying nothing?"

but silence isn’t always a solution.

"what you do is more important than what you say" suggests words are secondary—yet sometimes, words are the only way through.

"it's only by talking that we shall caper upon the summit" insists on language—but it's actions that often carry truth.

i think they’re both right. and both wrong. words and actions can overlap or contradict, but neither can truly reflect what lives deep inside. that part of you—the part that doesn’t speak or move—is where the truth sits.

you can speak your feelings and act against them, or you can act in support of what you say. but when both your words and actions go against what you truly feel, it’s not them you’re betraying—it’s yourself. the part of you that lives quietly inside, beneath language and gesture.

interestingly, if maurice had never spoken, he might never have been invited to trinity by risley. he wouldn’t have met clive. and it’s through clive that he learned what it means to live dishonestly—or rather, what it means to live in conflict with oneself. clive marries anne, builds something respectable, and in doing so, speaks and acts against his own feelings. he betrays what he once shared with maurice—but that doesn’t necessarily make him cruel, or even wrong.

betrayal is not always villainy. maybe clive believed it was the safest choice. maybe it was survival. maybe it was just easier. and maybe that’s enough—if it is enough for him. only clive can reckon with the cost of that decision.

⚠︎ spoilers ahead ⚠︎

i’ll start with my favorite lines, because they really encapsulate everything that made me feel some type of way.

the first one is when simon yells at martin: "i'm supposed to be one that decides when, and where, and how, and who knows and how i get to say it. that's supposed to be my thing! and you took that away from me." like, yes. martin can choke. and simon deserved so much better from his friends. i can understand where they were coming from, but they didn't even try to understand where simon was coming from. and their "apology"? what apology? so, yeah, they can choke. thankfully, simon has a great family to fall back on.

and speaking of family, the moment with dr. emily spier, played by jennifer garner, was a punch in the gut. i was 17 or 18 when i first saw this movie, still grappling with my sexual identity and, honestly, kind of lost when it came to my career path. this moment between simon and his mom really stood out. it was comforting and so tender. "being gay is your thing. there are parts of it you have to go through alone. i hate that. as soon as you came out, you said, 'mom, i'm still me.' i need you to hear this: you are still you, simon. you are still the same son who i love to tease and who your father depends on for just about everything. and you're the same brother who always complements his sister on her food, even when it sucks. you get to exhale now, simon. you get to be more you than you have been in… in a very long time. you deserve everything you want." there’s so much warmth in that, and it hit me hard. as a queer woman, watching this mom figure who isn’t just supportive but who gets it… it made me want to take up psychology in a way that felt personal.

let's talk about simon's relationship with his dad, jack. when jack apologizes and cries, it’s like a masterclass in healthy vulnerability. simon’s dad, who we see as this "jock" type from high school, tries so hard not to break down, but the love for his son is undeniable. it’s such a beautiful moment, especially because he wants simon to know that it's okay to be vulnerable, that it's okay to express emotions. this is how fatherhood should be portrayed more often: messy, real, but so full of love. like, my heart couldn’t handle it.

then there's simon and nora. i love the sibling dynamic between them. it's refreshing to see a portrayal where siblings actually care for each other, where there's no forced tension or drama. as someone who is super close to my brother, it felt so comforting to see that kind of bond represented on screen.

and can we talk about the multiple "coming out" moments? finally, a movie that gets it right. coming out isn't just a one-time event, and love, simon nails that. it's exhausting to constantly explain your identity to people, to have to tailor how you come out depending on the person you're talking to. simon's repeated coming-out moments felt so real, so relatable. it’s this constant balancing act of being yourself while trying to figure out who’s safe enough to share that part of you with.

overall, funny, touching, and honest in its portrayal of queer identity. it didn’t shy away from the struggles of being gay, but it also showed how love and support can make all the difference. it's cheesy in the best way, and i’ll be forever grateful for that.

⚠︎ mentions of rape and sexual assault ⚠︎

from the very beginning—like the movie poster and needy's narration—jennifer is framed as the babe. the hot girl, the mean girl, the it girl, the cheerleader. she owns her space in devil's kettle like it's hers by default. but then we get to that scene in the back of low shoulder’s van. she’s coming out of this dazed state, maybe enchanted by the lead singer (whose name i cannot remember other than that he is played by adam brody) or just completely shocked by the fire. and the first thing she says is: “are you rapists?

"are you rapists?" it’s jarring. not played for laughs, not exaggerated—just said plainly.

"are you rapists?" and it sticks.

"are you rapists?" that line gets at something deeper. because, yeah—they are.

rape, by definition: 1 : unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against a person's will or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent because of mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception 2 : an outrageous violation 3 : an act or instance of robbing or despoiling or carrying away a person by force

they came to a nowhere town with the intention of sacrificing a girl. but they didn’t see her as a person—they saw her as a means to an end. and jennifer, for all her sharpness and beauty and confidence, was still just a teenage girl. and she was exploited in one of the worst ways possible.

'jennifer’s body' is considered a cult classic now, and a lot of the conversations around it focus on her queerness, on her compulsory heterosexuality, on her thirst for validity and social relevancy, on her transformation, on her rage. and that’s all valid—she’s more than just a victim. but she is a victim. and that part of her story rarely gets talked about in a direct way.

even though jennifer becomes a literal predator, she starts out as prey. before she ever kills anyone, she’s killed by someone worse. low shoulder’s sacrifice scene is arguably the most disturbing part of the film—not just because of what happens to her, but because of how casual and indifferent the men are. it’s not sexy or dramatic—it’s deeply unsettling. megan fox plays that moment with so much devastation that it honestly overshadows every death that follows. men will literally murder women for a chance at power. (jilian, the body of jennifer's body, medium, 2020)

⚠︎ mild spoilers ahead ⚠︎

"just read books. transcribe music. swim in the river."

there's something about that line—simple, almost careless—that makes you ache a little. like it’s a life so quiet, so rich in interiority, it borders on myth. elio’s world is steeped in nature, not just as a setting but as a kind of emotional mirror. the peach trees, the sun-drenched fields, the river—they all pulse with the same intensity he does. it’s not just coming-of-age, it’s coming-into-feeling.

because elio feels deeply. oliver just feels.

elio dissolves into everything—the music he plays, the words he reads, the heat, the silence between glances. he doesn’t just experience emotion; he lets it consume him. oliver, by contrast, just feels. plainly. directly. like there’s a filter over his longing, a restraint. maybe it’s age, or fear, or just who he is. but elio’s feelings are loud even when he’s silent. that’s what makes him unforgettable—not the love story itself, but how he lives inside it without apology.

“call me by your name and i’ll call you by mine.”

it wrecks you. and the fact that it’s oliver who says it—the one who’s been holding back, keeping composed—makes it hit even harder. it’s not just romantic, it’s a surrender. a collapsing of boundaries. it’s not i love you, it’s i want to be you. i want to blur the space between us. for someone like oliver, who struggles to show his emotions outright, this is the closest he comes to exposing his heart. and maybe this is how he feels deeply, too—quietly, but completely.

it’s kind of jarring(?) how the first time i saw this film, i was elio’s age—17, 18—caught up in everything new and raw and huge. greeting a side of your sexuality, or maybe just greeting your sexuality at all. and now i’m closer to oliver’s age. significantly older than elio, supposedly more composed. but if i’m honest, i still feel tethered to elio more than anyone else. not just because of youth, but because of how deeply he feels, how attuned he is to beauty and ache and everything in between. maybe that’s what lingers: not the age you are, but the parts of you that still ache like you’re seventeen—whether or not you were ever romantically falling in love.

⚠︎ spoilers ahead ⚠︎

'the handmaiden' is one of those films i always come back to. i love women winning. i love women scheming. i love women burning it all down with a whisper and a smile as they lean in to kiss.

yes, it’s very much a film made through a male's gaze. you can feel it in certain scenes; over-framed, a little too polished, like someone’s watching. and yet, what i love is how queer women have taken this story and made it theirs—ours. reclaimed it. it’s no longer just about desire; it’s about survival, resistance, and choosing each other despite it all. it may have been made for men, but it lives on because of women.

"reading can be learned, and i don’t care if you curse or steal. but don’t ever lie to me. understood?"

and it sticks with me every time. because for hideko, lying isn’t just a moral line—it’s trauma. her whole life has been shaped by deception. men teaching her to perform, to read words that were never her own, to play roles for their pleasure. so when she says that, it’s not a warning—it’s a boundary. it’s her demanding something real in a life built on lies.

"where i come from, it’s illegal to be naive."

and god, doesn’t that just say it all? not just about sook-hee's background as a thief, but about being a woman in general. naivety is dangerous. it gets you hurt, used, forgotten. in their world, trust is a liability, but love still sneaks in. and that’s what makes their story hit so hard. two women who’ve only ever been used find something real in each other. something worth burning it all down for.

and the structure is just grips hair furiously—how it shifts point of views without warning forces you to rethink everything, building trust just to break it, and rebuild it stronger? the slow burn pacing rewards patience, letting silence speak and small gestures carry weight.

every time i rewatch, i catch something small—an offhand comment, a background gesture, a lingering silence—that adds to the weight of it all. nothing is wasted. the pacing is slow in the best way: it gives you time to sit in the tension, to notice what’s left unsaid.

'the handmaiden' isn’t just one of my favorite films—it’s the favorite. it keeps unfolding every time i watch it. not just because of the twists, but because of how it understands silence, power, touch, and performance. it’s a film about survival, but also about reclaiming narrative.

it reminds me why i love stories. why i love language. how meaning shifts depending on who's speaking, who's watching, and who dares to tell the truth. it’s sharp and soft at the same time. and most of all, it’s about women choosing each other in a world that never wanted them to.

⚠︎ spoilers ahead ⚠︎

wild, beautiful, and never unnatural.

'the paradise of thorns' feels like another poignant film exploring the deep connection between queerness and nature—or maybe, more significantly, how nature holds a special, almost sacred significant for queer individuals. it’s like the film quietly argues: if queerness is intrinsically linked to nature, then how can society claim queer love or marriage is “unnatural” or illegal? the contradiction is clear.

sek offering the first durian blossom to propose to thongkam isn’t just romantic—it’s sacred. a gesture like that roots their relationship in the land itself. land they worked hard for. together. so for fuck's sake, give thongkam the fucking land.

nature speaks in the spaces where words fall away—the wind rustling through leaves, the soft ripple of water, the sound of footsteps on earth. silence isn’t just a pause here; it’s its own language, carrying the film’s emotions and tensions in a way that feels deeply natural and alive. in those quiet moments, the story’s ache and beauty resonate louder than any dialogue could.

jeff satur's presence—both in the booth and in front of the camera—is pure artistry. i admire the variety he brings to his roles and performances, and his chemistry with pongsakorn mettarikanon (who i already admired as 'jade' in 'top form' (2025)) is nothing short of electric. they bring the story to life in a way that feels authentic and raw. and of course, engfa waraha brings such quiet magnetism; she holds the frame like it belongs to her.

after almost a year of putting it off, pride month finally felt like the right time to experience this masterpiece. but maybe watching this on the same day as 'brokeback mountain' (2005) wasn’t a good idea.

i got frustrated, confused, heartbroken. i laughed at things that maybe weren’t funny, and cried at things that weren’t meant to be sad. maybe it’s because the film didn't try to guide my emotions—it just let me feel them as they come. no manipulation, no dramatics. just quiet devastation and beauty side by side.

i could not be happier that this series is over. “stubborn” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: sorn is a different breed of stupid. the mental gymnastics this man pulls to justify his choices are beyond. how do you go on about the trauma of being wrongfully accused—completely valid, by the way—and use that as the reason for not dating anyone younger... only to keep sleeping with jun, who is younger, while insisting you don’t want to be with him? the logic collapses on itself every episode. the emotional conflict could’ve been compelling if it weren’t buried under layers of avoidance and repeated bad decisions that never fully resolve.

and before anyone hits me with the classic “if you don’t like it, don’t watch it”—no. i need to be informed to be a certified sorn hater. i watched every episode. i was so patient. i really tried to understand sorn’s whole deal, to see what emotional nuance or trauma response might be hiding underneath all the indecision. and for what? for him to tell tai he won’t pursue jun out of “respect”— when he’s already slept with him? be serious.

also, let’s talk about respect—or the lack of it. the moment jun says stop, sorn doesn’t listen. and yet this is the same man who claims he’s terrified of being seen as predatory. but not wanting to be accused and not acting predatory are two very different things. if the shoe fits, maybe it’s time to stop trying to outrun it.

what are some of your kinnporsche: the series headcanons? whether it may sound ooc or canon-compliant. i'm curious to hear them! some of mine are:

kinn and kim doing concerts in the compound as kids;

khun being interested in fashion even before he was kidnapped & having kinn and kim model for his designs, and

it's no surprise a lot of people don't like kinn. he's what we would describe as a rich asshole. and while i personally think that the execution of how kinn is supposed to be portrayed could've been more, i sort of get what they were trying to show us.

anakinn is bad at being the mafia. why? simple. because he hates it. the only reason why he even does it is because of the manipulating hold his father has on him. he has nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. he can't go to tankhun because he doesn't know how to deal with his older brother's eclectic-ness and, i believe, was traumatized seeing tankhun become what he is now no matter how fabulous he is. he can't go to kimhan because of their strained relationship; his younger brother rarely even visiting the compound as he deals with his own traumas. he can't go to vegas because of the rivalry their fathers have raised them to have, and while he does have friends in tae and time, their backgrounds are too similar, rather than giving him an escape from the mafia life, they give him companionship and comfort instead.

this is when porsche comes in. he gets to experience and get time off from being the heir of his father's crime-dom. even with porsche unwillingly getting involved with the business, they get stranded in the forest which is the only time in a long time that he's been away, they sneak out on dates, they celebrate porsche's birthday, he got to meet new acquaintances through porsche; kinn finally found something else to do rather than look over files and worry when someone else plans to put a bullet in his head.

porsche is a huge reason why kinn is unliked by a lot, most of it due to episode four. i have rewatched that scene over and over again and listened to gaywatch's love scene breakdown on it, which i do recommend you go watch it, and i sort of see where kinn is coming from.

quick disclaimer: before you send me death threats, i am not condoning rape or any dubious consent. i understand what consensual non-consent is and this isn't it.

i do believe kinn did not mean any harm to porsche. that is the main take away here. he never means porsche any harm. even looking at his body language, the way his eyes look, his fist clenching, the constant breathing in to calm himself down, his main goal was just to get porsche clean, dressed, and off to bed because he doesn't know that porsche even remembers their kiss on the pier until porsche says so. the moment porsche absentmindedly admits he remembers the kiss after teasing kinn, kinn sees it as porsche also admitting to liking him.

should he still have done it? no. while porsche did start to like him and did want to sleep with him, i do agree that kinn shouldn't have made any moves onto porsche being out of his mind and having been drugged, but then again, being raised in the environment he is in, i can't be surprised that he did what he did.

another reason to why kinn is heavily disliked is his lack of communication with porsche, which is the part that i feel is so overlooked by so many viewers. when tawan returns, kinn doesn't even attempt to tell porsche his plans before or after imprisoning him. that part is what is overlooked. again, kinn means well, he doesn't mean porsche any harm, but he doesn't execute well. why? because that's what his dad does, that is what he was taught to do. make decisions without consulting anyone and without anyone questioning why you've made that decision.

that leads me to contrast and compare him and vegas. in psychology, we are taught of the stereotypes of the different forms of abuse, and it is prominent in how his and vegas's abuse are portrayed in the series.

while kinn and vegas are both victims of their fathers' abuse, their forms are different. with vegas, khan is verbally and physically violent. vegas gets slapped, punched, gets told he's worthless, and isn't deserving of being khan's son. with kinn, korn doesn't beat him up, instead is verbally and emotionally manipulative. in episode 5, kinn is called to join his father in a game of chess in which korn reminds kinn of what happens when he starts to trust people easily and lose sight of what is important, casually saying, "like what happened before" which is a reference to tawan's betrayal. he disregards kinn's ideas and opinions, though kinn was right when he said that these things are happening to porche because he got involved with their family.

since kinn wants to be a good son, what does he do? he punishes porsche to show his father that he is still in control and that he does not show any favoritism from his bodyguards even though korn never explicitly said to punish porsche, also showing how much of a hold he has over kinn and if questioned, he can deny ever planting that idea onto kinn because he never actually said it.

so, again, while i do believe they could've done more in different parts in the series, whether it was intentional or not, shining more light on vegas's pain from his father in contrast to kinn's turned out to be perfect because that is how it usually is with physical abuse versus emotional abuse.

vegas' trauma is obvious because it's corporeal, kinn's gets overlooked because he gets manipulated by words. unlike kinn and his brothers, vegas and macau are close because of the corporeal abuse from their father, and this is probably what has made them closer as vegas does khan's bidding to protect macau, whereas kinn and his brothers only drift apart because of their father's words.

while khun is the oldest, he is mostly childlike since he was so young when he was kidnapped, and while also wisest of the three, attached to their father as he was the first victim of korn's manipulation before he was unfit to be the heir. kinn is the middle child and carries all of what was supposed to be his older brother's responsibility, becoming the main target of manipulation, and isolated from most kinds of relationships by his father. kim is the youngest and probably the one who has seen what has become of his older brothers and resents their father for what he has turned them into, which made him decide to leave.

khun isolates himself with his bodyguards to watch dramas, kinn isolates himself from everyone and everything to make their father proud, and kim isolates himself from their home because he believes that to truly know what their father has done, he has to see the bigger picture from the outside looking in.

in comparison, vegas and kinn are similar in a way. khan is violent towards vegas therefore vegas's go-to approach is violence. korn is manipulative towards kinn therefore kinn is more accustomed to manipulating others.

my understanding of kinn is that he is a person with a lot of trauma & pain (from his mother passing away, tawan's betrayal, and his little brother leaving, not being able to pursue his passion) but he has yet to discover the present trauma that he is experiencing, which is his father. i do believe that once kinn eventually realizes and accepts that what korn does is not out of love but out of greed, it's going to be a completely different anakinn that deserves his character arc to be shown, and it's just a shame that we will never get to see it because the possibilities are endless. imagine him and vegas working together, that is my biggest wish (them heading the theerapanyakul empire? omg), him and his brothers finally being brothers again, him learning to be a little brother to khun and an older brother to kim, and most importantly, him using his father's tactics against him. i believe the cruelest way to defeat korn is for his heir to use his own chess moves against him while working together with the son of his rival.

in conclusion, kinn is the product of his father's emotional manipulation--he is the perfect puppet. you can hate kinn all you want, i understand why you do. i just hope people understand where he is coming from rather than automatically blaming him for everything wrong that happened.

-------------(✿◕‿◕✿)

notes:

i wrote this in the comments but i find it too funny. kinn makes me want to grab him by his hair & smash his head, repeatedly, against concrete, but also wrap him in bubble wrap & kiss his forehead goodnight :((

@kinyeee made an excellent point (thank u for ur input btw) that vegas's verbal abuse from khan wasn't just how "he was not worthy of being his son" but also emotional manipulation. that is how vegas learned & used it to manipulate tawan, porsche, and all (if i'm not mistaken) of kinn's previous lovers (i think that's in the novel? idk. i refuse to read the novels). that also adds to my point of the contrast and similarities that both of them have. it makes me wonder how powerful they could truly be if korn & khan just worked together. they really fumbled.

some of kinn's wrongdoings are his own. episode 4? naur. i want to say this again. i can see his point of view but i am not condoning it. other shit he's done, i can "forgive" to some extent. episode 4? hell no. while the apology in episode 6 with him & porsche in the ravine reflects how morally grey he is & how morally grey porsche was becoming. when that episode was released, i needed more than that...which we will never get to see now that kinnporsche is over. and, again, disliking kinn is up to you. i understand & support that. how i feel about kinn is how i feel about vegas. that's the main reason why i wrote this highlighting some of their contrasts and comparison.