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Ignoring tumblr due to new says of being social, such as instagram, and twitter.  Hashtags are still stupid, for the record.

today, or really the other day. A woman asked me my secret to my weight loss. Years ago, I could proudly say. I did Atkins, or Weight watchers. To be honest, I did them all. With success, but AS you nkow, I gained weight back. ALOT. would lose 100 gain it back. This year, I went on what many would call an unorthdox diet. It wasnt healthy. I would Starve myself, I would go days with out eating. I would go to the gym and do long hours on the ellipticle or treadmill. I would end up in the RI with severe dehydration. It didnt scare me to know I was putting myself at risk for a heart attack or a stroke. I didnt care about those risk factors when I was about 300lbs in the spring, and I was losing nearly 20lbs each month. Then at the end of summer, the weight stalled, my appetite was slowly creeping back so I decided to go to more extreme measures. If throwing up anything I ate didnt seem to get the results I was aiming for, I woud eat cotton balls. That landed me in trouble too. After they got lodged in my left abdomen. Because Of this behavior, with my allready plagued medical history of being depressed and deemed suicidal...I have to do group therapy and more visits with a shrink. I have been eating, small portions, healthier portions and not stressing as much about my weight. Its almost an addiction. I would set a goal for my self and then I would try to achieve it. It was something that I wanted CONTROL of something about myself. The problem is, I really cant control it. I am a fat chick basically. I'll never Be thin. Which really isnt my main reason as to why I want to lose weight. I want to overall be healthy. My mom died of cancer, so In my mind...I can still smoke if Im not fat, see reasonable...Ya i know another lie I tell myself,

which brings me to the other reason Im not someone to be inspired to be. I have a friend Lexi. Amongst others. They all want me to pursue a career in Comedy. They want me to audition and submit my sitcom to producers. All seems like a dream come true...But Im a Lightning in a flashpan if you will. Lightening struck a few times. I had some good timing. Im not funny, Im not a comedian. I know at times I can be entertaining,.  But thats it. Im not some talent that people think I am. YES i like doing it  BUt I cant see a career in it, Not one that would seem enjoyable. Comedy is a hobby. I dont want to taint it with responsibility.

I feel like a fraud really. I went to school to be a social worker. I try to help people, not be addicted, to have their life in order...and day by day I am slowly becoming someone who is becoming addicted to drinking..drugs. I dumped my ex because he was an alcoholic. I feel like the biggest hypocrite. People think I joke about my drinking, People think I drink more then I do,. YES I drink wine, daily. I dont know if its an issue. I am afraid to tell Swedberg at my next session about my drinking. I wont dare tell any of the drs about drug use I will tell my Cardiologist though,

Every year on some type of social site I do my Thankful crap, year in review. well 2013 was almost a month ago, and I didnt do it. I been busy (ya Ill go with that) so we can see that 2014 is bring on procrastination.

WELL LET THE REVIEW BEGIN:

I met some of the oddest people in 2013, that really really kinda altered me in ways. All these people are interesting in separate and unique ways. Like Moira. Shes a cool broad who means what she says. Tom, a happy go lucky gay guy with the most interesting story. Russ, a guy that lisa bangs that doesn't infuriate me to the core. KIBO, who technically I knew for a while...but I really had some great times with him with talks and stuff. Hes a great guy, like TOm has a very interesting story. Its sad I didnt get to know more of it. Some of the Okees crew, Weird...like ready to be on the next TLC reality show odd. But they were all cool. I even got to rekindle or should I say start getting to know family members. LIke some of my cousins, alex and Marco, ezio even. Even marcos odd ex Johnna. who at first was a cute plucky young 20year old who quickly turned into a bitch. But shes young. She will learn that you cant be a cunt everyday.

2013 was I guess a good year. I got my freedom at a cost. I finally freed my self of My ex rob. It wasnt as sad as I thought it would be. In 14 years I was afraid to leave. I was afraid no one would want me, that I would die alone. That I couldnt make it on my own. But after a summer I never thought I would have...I made my mind up and decided I couldnt play the gf role to an alcohlic any more. I got off the roller coaster ride for good.  BUT with the Freedom I got from that...I lost a house I worked for, I lost a slew of friends that I had with rob (not that they are missed)

2013 also let me shed 97 lbs. 104 as of today. Not the best way to lose weight , but I did it.

I was forced into treatment for Depression, I had my tonsils removed as well as my gallbladder and part of my intestines with a tumor. I had a tumor on my throat removed. I was put on HIGH blood Pressure. I had only a few panic attacks, and I was cursed with weekly Vertigo episodes. It wasnt the BEST year for my health..but I go to physical therapy to do the Epleys manuevour for Vertigo and I by force I have to go to a therapist for Depression...which I dont think I really have. Its more situational things. Bad days make me sad. Good days make me hapopy. Im not walking around saying LIFE BLOWS. it has ups and downs. I try TO stay POSITIVE. WHICH also brings me to the fact. Im not AS much a door mat as I usually was. Still, Im a push over..but Not as bad.

I saw my mothers Grave, Only once and that was good enough, I think. I didnt have the moments every one told me I would have. It was a very hard to describe few mins. It wasnt sad, IT didnt bring closure. Shes in my heart and I miss her no less. My dad dated big ass broads, and thats cool. I just hated the fact that I had to take on the role of being the glue for the remnants of the family. ANgela was mad and I was upset he didnt care she was mad. Frustrating, but I want TOMAS to be happy.

I won a COMEDY Roast back in July. 5k (3452) after taxes. Too bad almost all, and Im embarrased to say almost all went to my friends Heroin addiction. But I think of life as a wash. One day, Ill get something good back. The Roast was A very fun experience. I dont think I have talent..it was a fluke. The funny people were MIA that evening and I got lucky. 2014 I was offered a TON of chances to restart my Hobby and possible career with getting my Sitcom DAVE AND DAVE off, but ITs not that I dont want to..its just TIMING. I cant be jet setting to NY or BOSTON to perform. I still have a time consuming job. PLUS I dont want the pressure. IT was a fun hobby. AND still at 29 (ok a slight exaggeration) I dont have the followers who would want to support and see me.

I didnt smoke for 6 months. I Stopped my tanning addiction for the most part. I stopped eating cotton balls, and mostly quit throwing my food up in the fall. Had a few slip ups.

AND I know I missed alot in 2013, But I did save the BEST part for last. I met someone that I really really love. He annoys the shit out of me and keeps me on my toes, and I love every moment of that. I love everything that this person brings to the plate, a kid thats great, an apartment I was dreading that feels like home..killer orgasms and smiles and great conversations. I feel 100 percent with him.

It's tough being in love with someone that you love more then your self. I found someone that I really really like. I have so much fun with this guy. He doesn't even realize the things he does, like making me feel safe, or the way when I come up to him to hug him, and he looks at me like Im the only girl in the room (though I usually am, because PDA, Gross) and he pulls me closer and kisses me. Its so sexy how he simply cares. I feel so safe, so happy, so almost me. Its a turn on just knowing he accepts me. We are polar opposites, and we balance out. He likes Duck Dynasty, and I like Dancing with the Stars. He tries to take an interest in my shit, and I try to take some in his. The journey in discovering our differences is fun in itself. Yes, I will never appreciate the art in duck dynasty, just like he will never appreciate the rhinestone shoes on Derick on Dancing with the Stars. But it doesn't matter, I love the fact we don't have to pretend to be similar asshole people in a couple. I hate girls that have to conform. I don't want him to change, I love him for WHO HE IS. I fear, he gets a little annoyed with me. I think I wore him down in the cat DEPT. I was allowed 3, which is a nice starting figure, but come on, its not a reasonable amount. Im sure in about 2 or 3 months he will accept a more appropriate amount like 7 or 9. Nothing insane like over 10, but 7 is a good amount. He knows cats make me happy, and he does his best to make sure I AM. Just like Im trying sooooo hard to make him happy. I want to make him happy. I think of ways to make him happy. I don't want him to change, but I know deep down he wants to make some life changes. Like with going back to school. I will do my best to push him, to help get him the motivation to make the changes he wants to make for himself, but as he is. I love every piece of him.