Post Partum Depression Thoughts

So, at work today, I had a customer come in, purchase a few items, leave, and then return minutes later. His exact words were "you look familiar. is your moms name Vivian?" Of course I answered him. Yes, my mothers name is Vivian. He said "Casey! You don't remember me do you?" Should I? I thought. "Matt and Debbie such and such? Im their oldest son." wow. havent heard those names in years. apparently he just got out of prison after 8 years away. it hurts me that so many people I know from my past are or have been in prison for one offence or another.. I pray daily for them. I dunno what else to do. You can't help those that refuse help. But this man from my past looks to have straightened up and is on the Righteous path! Praise God!

Okay so, about 30 minutes ago, we had managed to put our daughter to bed. Obviously she woke up crying. Since I was already awake, I went into her room to comfort her. Cue the screaming... At this point I realize that I no longer matter to my baby.. She could care less if I ceased to be. All she wants is Daddy... When this hit me, it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. When she wants to fall asleep in someones arms, that used to be me. Now its all about Daddy. Working weekend doubles followed by evenings has destroyed my relationship with my daughter. At times, I feel as if I don't matter in this family. He concentrates on her. She only wants him. And here I am. A depressed third wheel wondering where I went wrong.. Its killing me. I know I said in a previous post to not ever let your babies go but I did.. And I am paying for it. She hates me. She cries and I try to comfort her but she pushes me away in favour of daddy.. I feel like an insignificant speck marring an otherwise beautiful family life. Everything is progressing but I am stationary. Just trying to figure this shit out. How do I go back to how it used to be? How can I mend my relationship with my Princess? How can I start feeling like I matter to someone?! Used to be I was the only one bitty girl wanted. Now, I am the only one she can't wait to get away from. I am a stranger in my own life... Every day its Dadda Dadda Dadda. She only says Momma followed by Eat or Pee... Thats it. I give up.

So, I appologize for being absent these last few months. So much has happened! We moved into a new place, I had (and quit) two jobs. My brother is out of prison. And I am back on my thyroid medicine. So, whats up? Well, I am looking to get a job that doesn't make me miss all of these precious moments with my daughter. She now has her canine teeth, and let me tell ya, they were fun.. Constant screaming and crying for like 3 months. She also ended up with a slight yeast infection. So much fun! Not.. But she's better now that is all that matters. Uhm... My birthday is next Monday (11-21) and my husband FINALLY bought me a Kitchenaide stand mixer. Thanks to this, I can now try to make and sell custom cakes :) things are starting to look up for our little family. When my big brother came home, my almost 2 year old daughter, who has not seen nor heard him speak in 16 months, ran up to him and said his name. Witnessing this moment with my husband standing by for emotional support honestly made me cry. I was so happy yet overwhelmed at the moment. My brother started to tear up which didn't help me at all. It feels amazing to have my family be whole again. Now, if only my family would do better. But, I digress.. Anyway, I would like to thank anybody that wastes their time reading this crap. Honestly, if I told my husband half of what I put here, he would make me take a psyche eval..

It's moments like these that bring tears to my eyes. My princess is growing so fast. I know I've complained about being a stay at home mom but I realize now that I will miss these cuddles. I want her to stay tiny forever!

Everything, just yes right now..

I feel like I’m failing as a wife and a mom… even as a human. I was so caught up with cleaning my house today that I didn’t remember to make dinner. For dinner tonight my baby had oatmeal :/ I wouldn’t have to clean so damn much if my roomates would pick up after their fucking brat kid and train their stupid dogs to use the restroom outside. I’m at my wits end. I talk to my husband and five months later nothing has been done. I know nobody reads this crap I post but it helps me to get it out there. I’m tired of cleaning up after everyone. I’m tired of cooking a separate meal for everyone because everybody is so fucking picky. It’s not like we can afford that shit anyway! I’m sick and tired of them in general but my husband won’t turn his friend and the family out on the street. I don’t mind the friend but the kid wife and dogs make me want to go on a murder spree. I’m just sick of all the crap I’m forced to put up with every day in my own home. I miss feeling comfortable enough to actually relax. My husband and I haven’t even had relations as much as we used to because they complain about the noise…. like wtf why should I be quiet when you all can’t even get your brat 2 yo to sleep through the night and she wakes up screaming (waking up My baby -_-) yeah, no. Not happy with this shit. At. All. …

So, I have the most amazing little girl. She's 13 months old and I absolutely love her to infinity and beyond. As I watched her fall asleep tonight, I broke down crying. In a few years, she will be too big for me to carry. In a few years, she will be going to school and learning how crappy life is. She will come home crying because someone had to pick on her to make themselves feel better. She will tell me she hates life and wishes she were never born. God Forbid she comes home from a date in her teen years and tells me and her daddy that she's been raped. All of this hits me hard because I've been bullied my whole life. Still am at 25 years old. I know how it feels to go through all of this and I want better for her. I want her to be happy. I want her to know how loved she is. I want so much for her but I know I cannot change the way the world is. But what I can do is prepare her for it. I can pray that things change for the better before she starts school. If you're a parent, never ever let your babies go.

Like, if you are a mom or a dad, it doesn't matter if you are young or old, it kinda sucks sometimes. Your friends aren't your friends anymore. Nobody comes to see you and hang out. You don't get to have fun without feeling guilty. When you see or hear about babies dying, it sends you into a panic attack. Watching Grey's Anatomy will make you cry with how many dead, dying, or just injured kids you see... I usually love this show but it's killing me. As I sit here, holding my 8 month old daughter, I can't imagine anything bad happening to her... I love being a mom. I just hate what comes with it...