Honestly Imperfect

Loss, you come to everyone

and feel as though your grief is unnatural 

unreal

Your impact so severe

it is alarming to believe

that you are an experience

expected

for all to endure 

Gain, you come in the form of a blessing

people anticipate you

pray for you

hope that your are near

However, when you come after a loss

you feel funny

you are important, don't get me wrong

but you come with an aftertaste

of what it will be like when you too are gone

Life after loss

is not without gratitude

the attitude 

towards a gain

isn't bleak

It is true

initially I was guarded about you

still committed to being open

I was able

to laugh

love

be in the moment

but my gains still feel funny

When loss becomes reality

the gain is coupled by a sense of knowing

in advance

what it will be like to lose it all

Funny feeling

I am teaching myself to coexist with you

you no longer are considered a fear

you are extra knowledge

you lurk around

like an elephant in the room

As I acknowledge the elephant

I can feel the funny in my gains

without fear

when you lose what you love

and keep loving anyway

you are hyperaware

vulnerable to grieve again

but thank you gain

you fill my cup

You will leave me, but I love you anyway. 

-Haniya

Time and time again

I have to know my place

I can be empowered

but

I know my place

I want to keep my mouth shut

my opinion doesn't always matter

this isn't low self esteem

just taming 

the ego

that inflames online

around people we love

or with strangers

I want to learn from restraint

and raise my voice when 

welcomed

sought

or in time of dire need

waving our opinions around

like the wag of a finger

only brushes and nicks people in the face

As I reserve my words

instead of dragging this piece

I try to recall

Being the youngest of my family I always despised how much parents love the kids that have left the nest. I thought it felt unfair because we should treat people that live with each other with that appreciation. 

When I was about to get married I knew that shift was about to happen to me. I had prepped my mom to please treat me the same when I visit. I thought the distance made them all appreciate each other more and being the last to leave the nest that imbalance bothered me. I didn't want to be treated differently.

but NOW I GET IT!! It isn't that the distance and age is making you more lovable. It is that when you have your own home you are working hard the way you mom does, but for someone else. Even though your mom and dad are the ones that did it for you your whole life when you visit home they are STILL the ones that let you be a bum and take a break. So they continue doing what they always do except with a happier spirit. I get it guys. Im not the frustrated youngest child anymore. I understand that when you are spending all this time to please others we crave a break. 

This past father's day was also my Mother's birthday. Our family gets to celebrate both parents on this day, poor Mom! 

We tried a great exercise as their kids that hopefully was a full circle moment for our parents. 

We shared with them as adults what major life lesson we learned by being raised by our mother and one by being raised by our father.