just a drizzle

so one of the housemates/friends of that friend who had feelings for me has technically now become more of my friend. like i guess i’ve been invited out to zoom calls and now with being vaccinated more in person stuff. super nice bc it’s nice to have friends who invite u to do stuff & it’s hard to make friends and be introduced to new people post grad so thats fun. anyway i really was out here thinking i had a new friend bc we were hanging out in groups, watching zoom movies, and stuff.

like i didnt think much of all the lowkey flirty jokes mainly bc he said they were jokes. and so i went with them, joked back, etc

but we hung out without other ppl the other night and the hang out was just kinda awk. it was dinner/nighttime &  all he did was ask about relationship stuff. he talked about why his friends call him mr steal yo girl. he tried to guess my high school relationship drama and i told him that i didnt even kiss anyone in high school or college and im still a virgin. but i did hook up with someone post college so he asked about that experience. and about the rice purity test. and i told him about how i first started on dating apps and how i was insecure about talking to people. and how hanging out with someone from a dating app for the first time and talking about regular things and not feeling like there had to be an end goal opened me up to just meeting more people. and he told me about how he doesnt think guys and girls can be platonic friends- they all gotta have some sexual tension. and talked about those hook up sayings ppl do in cars like “wanna go to the backseat.” and stressed that we were alone in his car at night. and talked about how we should have more hang outs alone together. and told me i should have a practice boyfriend bc i havent been in a relationship before and therefore i should learn what to do in a relationship. and asked if i would hypothetically date him if i liked him. and asking if this was a date. and pressed me on why i didnt want to share my writing with him. and tried holding my hand too many times. and putting his arm around my seat. and insisting we needed a secret handshake. and i spent half the awkward silences replaying a song in my head to make myself feel less bad about not saying anything. 

and i know all of this is just a joke but fuck i didnt realize how uncomfortable i was until after i got home and really thought about what was going on. like i really thought i had another friend but it just felt like he was just there to hook up. like he didnt actually want to be my friend. and that there was something wrong with me for not having any romantic/sexual experience. and what sucks is that ive never felt worthless or empty after hanging out with friends or people ive met on dating apps before. and i know this wasn’t a date but it felt like a really bad one. and i can’t believe its getting to me this much but i cried about how empty i felt. and how stupid of me to think i actually could make another friend. and about how my friend told me he thought things like this, but i figured we could still all be friends. and about how he made it seem like there was something wrong with not having experience. and i know theres nothing wrong with it but shit it still something im working on rewiring in my mind.

and it seems like something so small to get worked up about. and i cant really rant to my other friends about it. and i think ill just have to stay away from him for a while. not talk. thatll be easy. i think

week 10 i had an 8 page paper and a presentation due on monday. a midterm exam and a final 8 page paper due wednesday. and on friday i had a 10 page paper due. I wasn’t able to finish the 10 page paper and i turned in 5 pages and an apology a day late. I’m kinda scared about getting a “no pass” in the class but at this point it was all i had in me to submit. 

this week for finals i had a 5 page paper due today (tuesday) and I have a final online exam on wednesday and a 6 page paper due friday.

and yeah with covid19 going around everything i go through seems pretty insignificant but i just gotta remind myself my feelings are still valid. 

it’s been pretty shitty knowing that senior year has pretty much come to an abrupt end. i was really looking forward to seeing picnic day, an event i’ve been helping plan since fall quarter, play out. I’ve been on the board for the past two years but this is the first year i’m a director with my own team. so it’s pretty sad that i won’t get to experience waking up at 5am and all the craziness of the day of with the board this year. & i feel kinda bad for all the groups i work with who have also put a lot of time into planning their booths. & it sucks to know that my community service club will see the impacts of this. this winter quarter and fall we really didn’t see that many new members come out. & yeah i kinda blame myself for not being there 100% to support my board to have a lot of service & social events bc i was occupied with picnic day and work. i was really hoping for spring quarter to be that time where we would be able to turn it around and have more members come out to events. & this will def affect next year’s board bc idk if anyone will apply for next year.

& overall it’s sad that i won’t get to say goodbye to all the people i’ve met in college. I was just starting to actually go out and open up to people this year. Like actually invite people to go out and be down to go to bars and dance. I was hoping to use spring quarter to continue developing my current and new relationships. I was really looking forward to writing down goodbye + good luck notes for our rotaract seniors at banquet & having our last board meeting. i was already planning on printing pictures with everyone and writing notes for my board & i might not be able to do that anymore. i really hope the situation gets somewhat better by june. maybe by the time when we are supposed to have our last meeting we’ll be able to hold a casual banquet in our meeting room. 

so yeah idk how its going? idk if we’re just both too nice to ghost each other or call it off?? idk 

did i have to invite myself to join my housemates? yeah

am i still insecure about ppl never invite me to hang or do stuff? yeah      like wow do i need new friends who want to hang out with me and actively reach out or something?

am i v insecure about posting photos from the event? have i been contemplating it for the past couple of days? yeah    lol do i even have a good caption for it?? nah

& im getting lunch with this other guy this weekend. & i think its gonna be a lot diff bc weve actually been talking & texting for a bit now. but like idk if i feel anything & maybe im just scared to let myself feel something ya know. cause like hes cute, hes a consultant at one of those big 4 accounting orgs. but im just so insecure!! about!! how!! i!! have!! 0!! exeperience!! like its good that im finally more open to flirting with guys and actually meeting up with them bc over the summer idk what i was doing & i was deflecting every advance made. idk well see im kinda scared that we wont have anything to talk about bc weve talked a lot over text soo well see how it goes

like i thought the “early access” meant bc i was there for presale 

like i spent like $160 for one ticket after fees & my housemates spent $70. like i didnt question how expensive it was bc i just thought raves were expensive

rip that $90 that couldve been spent on food or clothes or literally anything else

im grateful that this does not affect me too much and that i can actually afford it but im a whole fucking clown

on a side note i think i figured out why ham asked “who’s this” when i texted bc i guess whenever i use imessage my apple id email shows up instead of my number sooo that means ppl have been getting my spam email 

okay but idk if i mentioned this last time but october 3rd was my friend’s bday. and over the summer when i scratched my car against a metal pipe i told him that i’d be sad for rest of the year & he said he’d be sad if i was sad on his bday & i guess i joked about it so much it actually came true. 

but since it was his 21st on friday he invited me and my friend (that he also knows) to go out a brewery & bar with his three housemates. & so i split a beer flight with my friend & had a mixed drink from the bar. & after that we all went back to his place to have some more drinks & play jackbox games. & he hasn’t really had any alc before his 21st sooo he ended up being pretty out of it after splitting 2 beer flights w/ his 2 housemates, an amf, a ski shot, & a bit at his place. Now I myself am a pretty chill drunk, i would say. like i just talk more than usual and i’m still pretty self-aware and like normal. my friend has no filter when he’s drunk. 

so when he started getting real out of it, his sober housemate/dd and my friend went over to him to take care of him. & he goes “help me _my name_” and like everyone turns and stares at me & then they’re like oh you’re the chosen one. so yeah i get over there and help him. i like make sure he sits up & rub his back while he’s yakking into a bag. but he just keeps spewing stuff like you’re cute & i like you & im in heaven & i dont deserve you. & my friend is just hyping him up like otp!! & its awk bc i feel like all of his housemates knew and i was just there rubbing this guys back while he yaks. & the other half the time he’s like i regret getting this drunk / i should be doing hw / im so behind / i wanna make money / & reciting chemicals and what not. 

so yeah after we get him to bed my friend and i walk back to my apt and the way there im just like bruh what?? you heard all of that too right? & we get back to my apt and apparently he had snapped my roommate about how cute she was & so she was like whatt?? 

& so now i have this info. and i don’t want this info. like i had a few hunches before but now that its confirmed in a drunk sense i know im gonna act different around him. weve been snap #1 best friends for over 2 months so we have that double heart thing & now i overthink everything i send him. like i dont want to be leading him on. and now i think everything im doing is. & im like reevaluating the past and what ive seen from others. 

& its bad bc i dont think i feel the same way about him. like i feel like usually if i find out someone has feelings or is somewhat nice to me i’d catch feelings reeeal easy but i dont think i feel anything this time. & if this is anything like last time it’s gonna go drunk confession --> real confession & im gonna have to be like srry dude i only see us as buds. & it’s gonna make me feel like an asshole even though it shouldn’t bc what im feeling is valid but im gonna feel bad for hurting his feelings. like i can’t even ghost ppl on tinder i feel bad about it. but i dont think he’s gonna mention it. im not gonna mention it. we mostly talk on snap anyway & you cant confess through snap. so it looks like we’re both ignoring it for now. but it still stresses me out. i keep overthinking all of my actions now. & im pretty sure that he is too. he probably has it worse. but that shouldn’t disregard what im feeling. & i can’t stop overthinking this. & it sucks that our friendships not gonna be the same after this bc i know im acting different & im pretty sure if he does confess sober & its not gonna go well- im not gonna hear from him for a while

it’s my fourth year now and i still dont fully feel like i belong. i have friends but we just dont seem close. and maybe its my fault for never being vulnerable with them because i’m sure thats how you create bonds. everyone has that anxiety over asking people to hang out and it sucks when you’re the only person asking others to hang out. it sucks even more when people think it’s weird that i ask them to hang out. it would be nice for someone to reach out to me every once i a while. like after what happened with ham he doesnt hit me up anymore and its understandable but it still sucks that im the one who asks him to hang out now. & it especially sucks because hes always talking about how ppl shouldnt be afraid to hit ppl up & how he’d hit ppl up that he wants to hang with so like?? damn is that implying he don’t wanna hang with me or what? im prob overthinking but it still sucks bc its been 2 years and while he doesnt say no to hanging out he never initiates it anymore. not to mention the one time i texted him and i got a “who’s this?” because there is something worse than ppl saying no.

and i guess going off of the whole im not that close with my friends. i always get added to group chats way late and it just sucks feeling like an afterthought. and it sucks not being invited to things. like im sure they know id be interested in going to raves bc they know i listen to edm but sometimes i feel like its because im not interested in rolling or bc i didnt drink until sophmore year that maybe they think im some prude and wouldnt be fun to rave with? idk i like the music and they know i like the music and we talk about going to raves together but i dont get invited when they do go. and i cant even ask to go bc they never discuss the specific events they want to go to or when theyre getting tickets and i understand that maybe im not close enough or simply that they dont want me there or they dont have another seat to get there but itd be nice to be included

& i have about a hundred thousand insecurities about romantic relationships. bc i made a tinder & hinge this summer and idk what to say when ppl ask me why im on tinder. like im looking for a relationship but its tinder so i just feel that every guy is just looking to fuck. and I have about a hundred thousand insecurities about the fact that i havent even kissed anyone or held hands with anyone and im on these dating apps. and my pictures are decent i’ll give myself that although i do feel ugly sometimes so i feel so insecure about having zero experience but looking like i would have experience. i feel like if i ever meet up with anyone i’ll just be a disappointment. and the fact that people who know im an extra virgin say stuff like “oh just wait for the right person” that just stresses me out bc it puts some weird added pressure that i have to make some big decision to kiss some great person. and half the time i just want to ho out bc why not. but theres a lot to do if my ho phase is gonna be a thing like birth control, std testing, condoms, and overall judgment. but idk how to even get over this insecurity that im not enough for anyone or why anyone would actually like me romantically when i have no experience. and every once in a while a friend would be like why are you on these apps if you dont want to talk or meet up with anyone. and he right. why am i here if im so insecure

& i gotta start applying to jobs and thinking about the future. and getting a masters in something bc obviously now you gotta have a masters. and idk i feel like i dont get stressed about these things bc i just assume i’ll end up somewhere but idk if it pushes me to try my best? like i feel like im complacent & that goes along with my effort in class? maybe it is my best but others are just better

& deadass just remembered that i forgot to scan and send some documents to the bank for the club im the president of. im scared that this year wont be successful or like the board wont be cohesive bc at the first board meeting it felt so sterile. like i had to keep pressing people for details or for them to do their job? kinda. either that or i knew what they had to do and i just keep butting in and remind them about things they need to do? so it feels like im micromanaging??

idk its a beginning of the quarter breakdown but only like the first part bc my housemates came back and i had to suck up my tears lmao

and yeah that’s probably bad bc that just means i never dwell on the good things that happen in my life. 

so it’s week 2 and idk if im stressed or just tired or what but ive been feeling super anxious about everything. I think this is because it’s my third year and i don’t know if i belong anywhere yet. but i know it’s completely my fault that i haven’t found my place yet. and while i know my own flaws, i don’t do anything to try and better myself. i’m too quiet. i don’t put myself out there. idk i always feel like this during the first few weeks of the quarter.

i kinda wish i had the guts to talk about how i feel with someone in my life. but idk if i even feel comfortable enough with anyone to say these things. and maybe the one person who almost got close enough to that level of comfort. i fucked things up with them. 

oh man

it’s spring quarter now. i was publicity assistant director for picnic day which was really fun. im disappointed that i did not get to drive anything even though i was permitted to. more disappointed that i spent $2 for a driving record. it was stressful in the morning because we needed to deliver the schedules and the transportation director yelled at us bc we were taking too long (when we had to walk to deliver them)

i also planned a charity dinner. it was stressful getting donations and sponsors but the event itself went well. i hope everyone had fun though. it was a little awk bc a lot of the actual adults didnt come which meant the 1 person who did sat alone for a lot of the time

anyway so this weekend was mothers day weekend 

and i came back thursday night so i went to the doctors on friday. found out i have scabies. fun fact i’ve been itchy since winter quarter so like januaryish. So idk maybe I got it at winter retreat. maybe from the bus?? the gym? who knows?? I don’t like touching people so idk where it came from. fun fact tho my housemate has the same permethrin cream used to treat it but he had his way before i went to the doc so im guessing he has it too. its just too weird to ask. anyway i’m hella itchy all the time especially at night which sucks because thats when i usually do my classwork. since ive been so itchy its hard to concentrate and idk my focus has just been off these past two quarters bc i am literally writing my essays the day they’re due and they suck and i know they suck. i just can’t get myself to do them and idk why

and yeah this mothers day spot died. he was sick for the past couple of weeks. he was sleeping more and breathing weirdly. his fur was falling out and he had no energy to get into the house so we had to carry him in. we knew it was coming but it still sucks because he has been such a big part of my life. he was kinda ok in the morning. it was a little weird that when he was lying he spent a lot of energy making sure his head wasn’t resting on the ground. he was walking around a bit before we went to church too, but when we came back he was gone. it looked like he just died in his sleep, so we just hope he wasn’t in pain. my dad made a cross for him and my mom wondered why bc spot’s a dog and he wasn’t catholic bc he’s a dog. we had to tell my sister via facetime and that wasn’t fun. we weren’t gonna tell her, but we are not good at secrets 

so here’s a quick rundown of the things listed above

Senior Ball- no date (low key regrets not asking a certain someone but idk maybe I was a little sad not having one not because of the whole date thing but because of the whole I spent 4 years in this place and I didn’t make a good enough relationship with anyone to have a date), still super fun bc friends are great. the food was not good but we lived. also all the dj played was upbeat club-ish music and although I didn’t have a date I kinda wished he played an actual slow song for the actual couples (and bc slow songs are good cues to take a break from dancing)

Graduation 6/10/16- not sure what to think here. I don’t really remember much but the valedictorian and salutatorian speeches were great and the choir sang a high school musical song. I got pictures with my friends (some of which will be the first and last picture we’ll take) It didn’t really feel real. i also know that im not good at writing in other’s yearbooks. i need to be more sentimental and recall experiences so they can look back and remember me as someone they did things with not someone who said nice things about them. 

Senior Year Summer ‘16- relay for life, ryla & a sunset beach bonfire, a few laptag team adventures/anniversary, not much going on during august. a friend’s birthday at the lake. trying to make plans and not going through with them. 

University orientation- this was interesting. it also didn’t feel real. or maybe it was fear. fear of the unknown. the world outside of my own. I made a friend and found an old one. Signed up for classes I now think are a bit too safe. but safety is all i know. i like being comfortable

Move in Day 9/17/16- I dont think much of this is important but i remember tearing up but not letting myself cry

 A whole month of college has gone by. I’ve made friends with the wonderfully interesting people on my floor (The Bees-more on them later i guess). I have a cool roommate. I saw Never Shout Never perform. I’ve been on a “field trip” for Ecology class where we biked around a restored creek and saw tons of plants and animals. I went to my first football game (it was also raining during the game). I saw George Takei speak. I’ve had one midterm (i got a 97%). I’ve been weirded out by a creepy dude in a suit and panda head outside my dorm hall. I haven’t been locked out of my room (yet!) I’ve made a few acquaintances in my classes and I’ve actually been to the gym more than once.

and so we get to today. October 25th, 2016. I’m currently sitting in a cold corner of the 1st floor lounge with bug bites and an empty tub of what used to cheese puffs. I have an ecology midterm on friday and small assignments due on thursday and big assignments due next week. And yeah maybe I question why I’m an English major everyday and I’m still searching for what I want to double major in (or maybe I’m just saying that to make myself feel better about being an English major) And yeah maybe I’m blinking back tears because I feel lonely after being surrounded by people during dinner and at a club meeting. And yeah maybe there’s a lot more to these unshed tears but I’m not trying to figure out what that is. And yeah maybe I am a little bit stressed. but I won’t admit that.

But I have a lot to look forward to. A chance the rapper concert on sunday (which I am very excited for even if I am going alone). A farmer’s market outing. A lot of growing and changing and meeting new people and figuring things out. Halloween is coming up. I’m going home for the weekend 2 times next month. 

and maybe I’ll start writing here more (monthly updates?) bc I think it’s good to reflect on how you feel. and maybe it’s procrastination. and maybe this helps me not cry as much. and maybe i want to see how angsty I still am. but maybe i should talk to someone instead of just keeping everything in. but i know i won’t do that