Hammie(y)

It will always be 'What do YOU need' that these lips of mine will speak. When I say, what I need, it just shows you.. How I am so weak."

“I am sorry. I shouldn't even be. But I am. I was and still am the victim but that is not what is shown. I wish we could just be the same but all I feel is this awkward vibe, this weird tension. I am so, damn, fckin' sorry. Okay...? I made my mistakes but why were none of you ever giving me the benefit of the doubt? Why did I have to take it all on my own? I thought we were friends.. I thought we were like family... I thought we were like lovers... I thought that at least somebody, anybody would give me some slack and ask me. Don't tell me you tried. Don't tell me you did. If you truly, truly did... Why is it that I am still thinking about this? Why is it that I am still hurting? Why is it that I. Still. Fcking. Want. To. Cry. Why is it that I just want to grab one of you and just rant for you all to hear me? Why can't you hear me? The voice that is screaming at you. It's been there all along, yelling. Why is it that I just want to let everything out and never hear from any one of you for a while... -sigh- Im sorry. Im just complaining. That's all I've been told my whole life. Whenever I speak up on how I feel, 'I am too sensitive, I'm making excuses, I'm complaining, Your problem or what you're feeling isn't that bad.' So if I off'ed myself, placed the blame so forwardly on you. What then? Would you hear my voice then?"

"There is nothing to say. There is absolutely nothing for me to say. I said all I possibly could, not knowing why I should. I said it all, I tried it all, it is just not working. I push and push, and when they shove, I still push. You can't keep fighting what isn't there. That feeling. That overwhelming feeling that just creeps up on you. It is just so damn hard to keep fighting when it has been a losing battle. Can you feel my pain?! Can you understand my aching pain?! It hurts so much that I just want this to end. I just want it all to end. But I would be called 'selfish'. I would be called a 'coward'. I would put so much on everyone else. What if I just want to think of myself for once? What if I just want to say 'I am done. My story is done'. Can I just lay down, wake up... And just say 'Hello.. From the other side'...?

"I do the things I do because others won't. I do the things I do because I have been through it. I am not saying I have it 'rock bottom' bad, but am I not allowed to say what I have been through was actually really bad? Am I suppose to wipe the tears, hold my sobs, shut my mouth, never let anything out, never let out as much as a sniffle, just to hear 'others have it worse'? Am I not allowed to be human and feel the way I feel? To express the way I want to express and not just to let things go and just say 'yeah, I am fine'? I do the things I do because I don't want anyone else to EVER experience what I have. I do the things I do because I love the smiles on my family and friends face. I do the things I do because that is how I was raised. I do the things I do.. because.. maybe.. just maybe... It is what I would want. It is how I would like to be treated. It is how I was taught. It is the only thing I have.. To give hope to others. I am only a single person. But I do the things I do, so others don't have to. And all I am doing, is burning myself really slow, so that I may light the way for others."

Mango Mille Crepe Cake for the Mama

"Tell me what you need", she said. "What I need...? What I need can not simply just appear in thin air. What I need can not simply just come waltzing into my life. What I need, is totally different from what I want. What I need is to be told day in, day out, 'it will be okay'. What I need, is somebody, anybody.. To be consistent with the love. No, I am not just talking about 'going out' or 'dating'. I need someone who can actually stand by me when the time calls for it, feel what I feel, hold me from behind and whisper, 'Heyhey.. don't worry, let it out, and just rest on me'. I need a getaway that can hit me so hard spiritually, that my mental and emotional state becomes in sync with the peace. What I need, can not be explained through words or even actions. It can not be displayed for others to see, for it will drive them away so deep. What I need... Is to look at my loved ones and disappear smiling. 'Til then, what I need is non-existent. It will always be 'What do YOU need' that these lips of mine will speak. When I say, what I need, it just show you.. How I am so weak."