HALLO THIS IS WAYNE

This has been going on for long enough. This is the last time I'm sending you a birthday wish. Most parts of me still don't quite know how to let go although it might seem like I have moved on. I feel deeply heartbroken every time I think about you. I dare not wish to see you even though my heart longs to see you just once more.

I have really fancied two girls since we ended, but I suppose why nothing's taking off with anyone is because I have not let you go. This is the third birthday since we parted. I guess, long enough for you to forget about the birthdays I've spent with you now.

Lately, I’ve been feeling empty of sort. Perhaps due to the fact that I have left Amsterdam, not quite sure where my wandering feet will take me next that’s straining my heart. I don’t miss Amsterdam like how I should though. I knew I wanted to leave, and I knew what I wanted next. I just don’t know who I want. 

The leap; the faith; the commitment of being with someone is something I fear. Sometimes I ask myself, “Are you really that afraid to be with someone else?” But I feel, the fear is based on the fact that knowing that I might hurt you if you found out that I’m finally in a relationship with another girl. I know I would be upset if I found out the same thing about you. It is obviously my own assumptions. Have I moved on then? Not really? I really don’t know. 

At the moment, I am still contemplating a visit to Ho Chi Minh City this December, to maybe have a closure to that place. I suppose I am being over sentimental about people and places, but I have placed so much value on the memories I have with you, and I don’t really know how to undo that. I don’t think too much with my head about these things anymore, I have subconsciously chosen to feel more about these things. I don’t want to see it as a violent chapter of my life anymore, rather, to simply live with it — the pain. Sometimes I wish I knew what you feel about us now, but most of the times, I’d rather not know. 

Coming to peace with everything, I am done being sorry (doesn’t mean I am not apologetic about how I have hurt you and us), I am just happy to know that I still love you very much, even though it hurts. Reminiscing on what you said to me the last time we met, I’ve kept you inside my heart, which is obviously the problem why I am still single. At times, I wonder if it’s the same for you…

Sometimes I still wonder if I’m writing for you since I don’t ever expect someone to read this. But never mind that, everything is settled and decided now, I’m moving back to Asia — at least temporarily. I suppose this is not so surprising considering the necessity and how Europe revealed itself to me. It’s also a harsh reality of how the world doesn’t belong to everyone but some places belong to some people only. 

I was hoping to do something crazy for July after the last DAI week but André and I finally got accepted to do something for DM at Arc — in Romainmotier, Switzerland — which dramatically shortened my stay here. But, I figured I won’t have the extra money for such fun since I don’t have a job. For that same reason, I just turned down my participation in the 3-day curators’ symposium in Chiangmai. I’m also not returning to Singapore in July. Rather, I’m heading directly to Seoul for 6 weeks for a potential project and will be ticking an item off my bucket list from picking blueberries! Then, 8 weeks in Beijing for a research residency with Huwei and Daisy! I’m really excited to see their baby! Well of course, and I am excited that they asked me to be part of a research publication that they want to put together in a year time. I will do a stopover in Singapore before I head off again to Jakarta for Jakarta Biennale, and a series of guest lectures at the IKJ, and finally the Jogja Biennale with Riksa.