#notmovingon

Don’t judge

Him by his past.

He is still having

Dialogues with that

Version of himself,

Trying to figure out

What was wrong with

Him then.

Do not condemn him,

Lately, I’ve been feeling empty of sort. Perhaps due to the fact that I have left Amsterdam, not quite sure where my wandering feet will take me next that’s straining my heart. I don’t miss Amsterdam like how I should though. I knew I wanted to leave, and I knew what I wanted next. I just don’t know who I want. 

The leap; the faith; the commitment of being with someone is something I fear. Sometimes I ask myself, “Are you really that afraid to be with someone else?” But I feel, the fear is based on the fact that knowing that I might hurt you if you found out that I’m finally in a relationship with another girl. I know I would be upset if I found out the same thing about you. It is obviously my own assumptions. Have I moved on then? Not really? I really don’t know. 

At the moment, I am still contemplating a visit to Ho Chi Minh City this December, to maybe have a closure to that place. I suppose I am being over sentimental about people and places, but I have placed so much value on the memories I have with you, and I don’t really know how to undo that. I don’t think too much with my head about these things anymore, I have subconsciously chosen to feel more about these things. I don’t want to see it as a violent chapter of my life anymore, rather, to simply live with it — the pain. Sometimes I wish I knew what you feel about us now, but most of the times, I’d rather not know. 

Coming to peace with everything, I am done being sorry (doesn’t mean I am not apologetic about how I have hurt you and us), I am just happy to know that I still love you very much, even though it hurts. Reminiscing on what you said to me the last time we met, I’ve kept you inside my heart, which is obviously the problem why I am still single. At times, I wonder if it’s the same for you…