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“Mad at me? You’ve been avoiding me for the entire day. The locker room’s only so big are you supposed to be hiding here? You know I could see you right there’s nothing between the seats. Still not speaking to me? You seriously thought I forgot your birthday huh?”
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I wanted to comment a little bit on the ending of Banana Fish, and the generally accepted or believed assumption that Ash let himself die. That he essentially committed a suicide passive in nature by returning to the library and letting himself bleed out. But… upon reading the ending, I have more the sense that this isn’t really the case.
There’s a few reasons for this.
The most obvious reason, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone mention before, is that Ash gets stabbed by Lao in the exact same place where, just a few days before, he’d been shot through. This, on top of the severe physical trauma of the knife wound he’d received from Arthur earlier on on the opposite side of his abdomen. Ash’s body is, at this point in the story, particularly to this area of his body, extremely beaten up and has suffered through a lot of physical trauma.
The other reason I think it’s important to take note of the above fact, is that more than a few times, in the previous panels, Ash’s physical condition and specifically his wounds are made mention of by Blanca. He keeps asking Ash how he’s feeling, how his pain is. The very day before Ash is killed, Blanca asks him how his wounds are, and Ash tells him they hurt like hell. What this tells us is that the damage to Ash’s abdomen from the gunshot hasn’t fully healed. That area of his stomach is still damaged and still weakened by the physical trauma of being torn apart by a bullet.
So, then Lao comes and stabs Ash in exactly the same spot. Blanca mentions earlier on that the bullet from the Chinese kids that shot him didn’t hit any of Ash’s vital organs, that it passed cleanly through, but he was still bleeding profusely and would die if he didn’t get help. After Lao stabs Ash, Ash says “You missed all my vital organs, you idiot.”. But Lao hit him in the exact spot where there was still severe physical trauma from Ash’s previous bullet wound.
After Ash shoots Lao, we see him start to really labor, as he bends down to gather up the pages of Eiji’s letter. He’s gasping and making labored, pained noises, almost like he’s wheezing. He dies not long after that.
I think, when you consider all of this information, it makes it seem like the knife wound killed Ash, not because he let it happen, but because it basically reaggrevated a previous, very serious wound, and Ash’s body just couldn’t take it anymore. He just started bleeding so much, and so quickly, that there wasn’t any time for him to seek help, or save himself. I think Ash probably knew this, and just accepted it, returning to the library to finish reading the rest of Eiji’s letter, and dying in peace, knowing he was loved by Eiji, and that Eiji’s soul would always be with him.
Ugh, now excuse me while I go sob into my pillow. I’m heartbroken again.
Not gonna lie, the area Ash gets stabbed in by Lao also being the spot where he had been shot some time ago is also what came to my mind at some point. That maybe his wound had reopened and in the end was just too severe and death remained the only outcome.
However, there are still two reasons which bug me about this.
1. The library
Despite of his wounds, Ash still makes it to the main reading room of the library which is on the third floor. There’s a lot of stairs he had to climb in order to get there and quite some time must have passed since he couldn’t move that fast due to the wound he just had received. It’s hard to imagine that there really was not even the slightest chance Ash could have been saved if he still had time and energy to walk all the way up there
2. Sing’s comment in GoL
Sing describes Ash’s death as a process that lasted “long, long hours”:
I read through various interpretations regarding the ending and also regarding this little moment and stumbled upon an interpretation from the Japanese fandom. According to them, it’s actually supposed to be seen as being told from Ash’s point of view, that due to his injury and pain, it just seemed that long even though it wasn’t. This doesn’t get clear because English isn’t that nuanced like Japanese is.
Unfortunately, I can’t speak Japanese and can’t really confirm if that’s true or not. However, I also once saw a comment of someone on that scene who explained why they can’t get quite behind that interpretation.
I would link it here, especially since it’s a whole page of interpretation for the ending as a whole, but it’s in German and I don’t know how many people would even understand it or if the site can be opened at all in other countries…
Basically, what the comment was pointing out is that Sing desperately tried to understand Ash’s train of thought and to see things from his point of view:
And indeed, that whole scene seems to be about Sing trying to piece everything together, to understand why things had come to this, why Ash died, why he was smiling when he died and how Lao could even get so close to him to attack him.
For the last question, he found answer:
But, as it gets also pointed out in the mentioned comment, Sing is speculating in that moment, he doesn’t know anything for sure and can only keep running in circles as to why the things happened the way they did. That’s why it seems weird that in one panel Sing is supposed to suddenly talk from Ash’s perspective and describe how things felt like for him before his death from his point of view even though he kept on struggling so much to get behind it in the first place and continues to do so right after the panel with the “long, long hours”.
Of course, that’s all just speculation and interpretation just like with the ending in general and no one can say for sure what is now “right” or “wrong” because when it comes to interpretation, there simply is no “right” nor “wrong”.
To quote one of my professors: “We’re 45 people in this room and if we all read the same book, we would get 45 different versions of it because everyone interprets it differently.”
And I think that also can be applied to Banana Fish because there is definitively room for all kind of interpretations.
Did Ash choose to die? If yes, then why? Did he think he could keep Eiji safe with his death? Was he fearing that people would come after him (like Lao did) and endanger Eiji again if they met again? Had he assumed that his enemies would even follow him if he ever decided to give Japan a try? Was this assumption justified or was it just his habit of always imagining the worst case scenario? Did he believe Eiji’s heartfelt letter? Was that the reason Ash felt like he could let go in the end with no major regrets? Or was he so imprisoned in his twisted mindset that had been implanted into him by others over all those years that Eiji’s words, as sad and heartbreaking it would be, simply didn’t reach him?
And if Ash didn’t choose to die? Did he simply knew there was no way to save himself despite of his vital organs having been missed? Did the wound he had received from the gun shot reopen? Did he just have enough time to make it to the library and read Eiji’s letter before he died? How much time did he have left exactly? Was he already dead when the librarian found him or was he just unconscious in that moment? Was his death really a process of “long, long hours” or did it really just seem like that for Ash and it was actually a quicker death?
Was it maybe a mixture of both? Was his wound not severe enough to actually kill him for sure but still severe enough so a simply “patching up” wouldn’t have sufficed unless he had went to a hospital? Would he have been arrested if he had gone to a doctor due to his criminal record? (After all, this was the reason Ash couldn’t go with Eiji to the hospital after the latter had been shot) Was this something Ash feared? Was this fear justified or again just all in his head?
Was this quote by Hemingway maybe ringing true:
Was Ash so filled with Eiji’s love that he simply forgot to take proper care of himself in that moment? Did he simply not notice that his life was slipping away while Eiji’s words were filling him up with love? Did he maybe notice that eventually, but at that point it was already too late?
No one can tell for sure and maybe that’s where it goes full circle with “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”:
Ash wondered about the reasons the leopard climbed that mountain in the first place just like we wonder about why he climbed the stairs of the library at the end. But just like Ash couldn’t find an answer to it, his reasons remain a mystery to us as well.
@ash-in-the-rye Those are all great points, which I really didn’t think about! Him making it all the way up to the reading room in itself does kind of refute my theory about him not having enough time to find help. I mean, I guess it’s impossible to know for sure whether Ash chose to die, or if the wound he received really was irreversibly fatal. I mean, it’s utterly heartbreaking no matter what the situation was, and remains tragic in its unfairness. But after reading your post, I think you’re right, that Ash in all likelyhood let himself die. And the reasons for why could be varied and numerous. It doesn’t even have to be one reason. Ash’s desire to protect Eiji. The weight of Ash’s trauma finally being too much for him to bear any longer. A desire to let go and find peace in death. I think all of these reasons probably factored into Ash’s decision, if indeed he chose to die.
I didn’t know that about what the Japanese readers say regarding that panel from “Garden of Light”. I have yet to read “Garden of Light” all the way through, so I guess I need to do that before I can form a good perspective on this. It would be interesting if it really took hours for Ash to bleed to death, and also awful. But I think it also makes sense that that panel is meant to be from Ash’s perspective. To think about things like blood pressure and body temperature slowly dropping seems like it would be from Ash’s perspective in a way. Ash was dying, and so his perception of time would be skewed, no doubt, just like his perception of everything would be.
But then, yeah, Ash shows a real tendency towards suicidal thoughts throughout Banana Fish, and I was just talking about this on another post. I’ll just quote myself here on this point. I think Ash always knew, deep down, that he was going to die young. He lived in a world of brutal, unforgiving violence and uncertainty. A world in which his life was constantly under threat, and in which he couldn’t afford to let his guard down for even a moment because of that. A world where the lives of everyone he had ever cared about and loved were ended violently. Skip, Griff, Shorter. Very nearly Sing. I think Ash knew he wouldn’t live long, and we see him make allusions to this feeling throughout the story. When he tells Eiji the story about the snow leopard, and confesses that he isn’t afraid to die. When he confesses that there had been many points in his life when he thought it would be better if he did. When we see him after his fight with Arthur, and he’s contemplating death in this dreamlike state, and the peace he can find there, how it’s like a release from the suffering of life. We see Ash with an expression of such despair in those moments when Eiji tells him to be careful, to please come back safely to him, that he’ll always be waiting for him. The moments before his fight with Arthur, for example, when he looks at Eiji sleeping beside him, and we see the stricken grief Ash feels, because he’s expecting to die that night, and his death is going to hurt his friend. He wants to send him back to Japan then because he doesn’t want Eiji to be exposed to that cruel, violent uncertainty that Ash lives with every day, not knowing, not even really expecting, to make it to the next. Ash looks so sad in these moments because he expects to die, he knows the threat of his dying is very real, and he knows, because of Eiji’s words, how much it’s going to hurt him if he does. Ash looks sad because he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to expose Eiji to that, and ruin his own happiness with it. He doesn’t want Eiji to hope for something which he himself doesn’t believe is possible, this idea that Ash could somehow walk away from his life of violence and uncertainty and paranoia, because false hope is the most painful thing of all when it’s shattered by reality. And all of Ash’s experiences in his life tell him that this idea of being able to walk away is nothing but a very nice dream. Because that world of violence and pain and suffering was the only world Ash had ever known, and every time he tried to have a part of it that was separate from that violence and pain, it only ended up getting destroyed. I think Ash knew, with the continued deepening of Eiji’s care for him, that it would become harder and harder for him to deal and cope with the constant threat and ever present danger to Ash’s own life, harder and harder for him to accept that that was Ash’s reality and that it always would be, and that’s also one of the reasons why he’s so resolved to stay out of his life in the end. Because he doesn’t want to cause Eiji that kind of pain, that kind of worry, that kind of anxiety. Ash knows he lives in a violent world, and that his life will one day end in violence. He knows and accepts that as his fate. One, despite Eiji’s constant attempts to convince him otherwise, he doesn’t ever believe he can change. I mean, we’ve talked about this extensively, that people assume Ash was running to the airport to go to Japan with Eiji, but how both of us think he was only going to say goodbye. I think Eiji’s words absolutely reached Ash, and he believed in them completely, and he was spurred on to see Eiji one last time, to say a proper goodbye.
When thinking about this idea that Ash let himself die, I think if he did, it was both because he took Lao’s attack on him as a sign from fate, that his time with Eiji was done, that Eiji’s love, and the knowledge of that love, would have to be enough for him, and I think Ash accepted that, without qualms, without wanting or needing more, because it was already more than he thought he ever deserved or would ever have, and also, because I think Ash was just finished with fighting at that point. His life had been such a nightmare of struggle and pain and suffering, and with the knowledge of Eiji’s love in his heart and mind, Ash was okay with finally stopping, and letting go. This idea that Eiji’s love finally allowed Ash to lay down his burden and just rest. In that regard, I feel like Ash’s end mirrors more his second idea regarding the snow leopard, that it was searching for something else, climbing higher and higher, using up all it’s strength, and finally collapsing. It’s like Ash had used up all his strength struggling just to survive his whole life, and finally, at the end of it all, he just didn’t want to struggle any more. He was just so tired. And Eiji’s love made it alright to let go, because it gave Ash the first and only real happiness he’d ever known, and that was the greatest gift he ever could have received.
There likely was also a part of Ash that still feared being a part of Eiji’s life. Just minutes before he’s stabbed, he says to Sing that his life is nothing but guns and death and he doesn’t want Eiji to have anything to do with that crap ever again. Like you’ve pointed out, I don’t think Ash’s commitment to Eiji’s safety and to protecting Eiji from that world of awful violence and brutality, would change so quickly or so easily. And Lao’s attack on him in the moments that follow would only serve to reinforce that idea in Ash, that he and Eiji could never be together, because being around Ash was simply too dangerous, and created too many uncertainties. Ash only ever wanted to protect Eiji, and he probably thought in those moments after, “This is my life. This is the world I live in. It’s full of death. And I don’t want Eiji to have that in his life.”. I think Lao’s attack would have just caused Ash to double down on his commitment to never seeing Eiji again, because it only served as proof to Ash that he had been right the whole time, that he and his world were too dangerous. This moment, taken with all the other people in Ash’s life who he had loved and cared about, and who all died violent deaths, would just be too much for Ash to think he could ever have a normal relationship that could last.
any Wakasa headcanons? just anything? I've been having a terrible Waka brainrot the entirety of June 😩
Sure! Here are the ones I have for Wakasa!
He doesn't eat much because he forgets to eat
Will call Benkei over to get rid of a bug if he finds one in his room
Spent a long time practising driving his bike when he first got it, it's why he's one of the best drivers now
Is very aware of problems girls can face in the gym and so always looks out for his female customers, making sure no one harasses them.
Tried to teach Senju to drive, it did not go well
Doesn't realise how bad he is at singing, thinks the guys are just messing around when they tell him.
When he's not chewing on his stick he's chewing on gum.
Is a very patient teacher at the gym, taking people through specific movements over and over again until they get it.
Likes fishing because of how quiet it is, finds it very relaxing. He usually throws the fish back too (he's not a big eater anyway)
Is extremely clingy while sleeping, in a relationship he'll hold onto his partner all night and try to convince them to lie in with him in the morning.
Regularly checked up on Shinichiro during the first timeline, visiting him often to check up on him.
Him and Benkei Basically adopted Senju, treating her like a younger sister. Because of this one of their agreements with kmg was that they leave Senju alone and don't make her join too.
Has a hidden talent for hula hooping
Everytime he passes out drunk he says he'll never do it again but then he always ends up doing it again.
Will hold his partners hand a lot
It actually took a long time for his friends to figure out what he's scared of. They tried testing him with lots of different things and actually gave up before a house centipede just so happened to crawl by, scaring Wakasa.
Didn't choose the white leopard nickname but always loved it
Likes camping as well as fishing
Is very fond of surprise kisses with his partner, likes to catch them off guard.
If he's not getting enough attention from his partner then he'll gentle tilt their chin towards him, getting them to look at him
Kids love him, Wakasa has no idea why, he assumed they would be scared but nope.
Takes pictures of all the fish he manages to catch then enthusiastically shows them to his friends or partner, it's cute how he likes to show them off.
a relationship between Kudo and Hattori is THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE STORY. they're both smart and highly educated, they're both detectives, pretty famous and gosh. they're awesome. but moments when they're collapsing into each other. they're. just. dorks. caring about each other, worrying about each other, and so on. I want to see them more often in the show doing stupid things. and eventually I want to see Hattori crying happily when Kudo will stand right in front of him — his self, 17 yo, a little confused, a little shocked, but finally getting what just happened and that it's not a temporary thing, he's got his body back! and heck — Hattori is going to celebrate it. but first he has to cry somewhere, bc he's just too happy for Kudo.
(wanna drag all my hurt/comfort stuff and write a sickfic about these two sweet dorks).
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another fic opening (the actual opening scene this time hehe) to the actor!ace and foreign diplomat!sabo modern au. this one is going but my desire to work on it comes in spurts so eeeehhhh tba pending release
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Sabo stumbles into the upscale apartment complex lobby and blinks at the harsh lighting. His eyes are so tired already from staring at video monitors for the better part of the day, and it was dark outside. It takes a second for him to adjust.
The security guard at the front desk must find him worse for wear, because he speaks up when Sabo starts slowly moving towards the elevator. “Rough night? Don’t study too hard.”
Sabo’s next exhale is pitched like he’s trying to laugh. His arms tighten around the thick binder of research material he has clutched to his chest like it’s his newborn child. He pauses in his step and inclines his head to look the guard in the eye, fixing something of a smile on his face to distract from the dark circles under his eyes. “Studying is going fine. I have to profile someone of high standing for a term project. It’s keeping me busier than I thought I’d be, but everything is about to wrap up.”
The guard waves him off. “Well, you know your limits. Have a good night.”
Sabo nods shortly in farewell. He shuffles the rest of the way to the elevator and digs in his pockets for his keycard.
He frowns when this produces no result. In a last-ditch effort, he swings his bag from one shoulder to search in the front pocket. By this point he’s drawn the attention of security once more.
Sabo sighs and looks over his shoulder. “I think I–”
“You left your keycard behind again this morning.”
Sabo turns his body to look further behind him. Ace is standing in the lobby’s entrance, arms loosely crossed over his chest. He sighs and walks briskly to Sabo’s side, brandishing his own keycard to slide the elevator doors open.
Sabo smiles warmly, melting a little inside. He’s hidden from view while Ace waves at the security guard, and uses this time to resituate himself and step into the elevator. He presses their floor’s button just as Ace steps in after him, already set on reprimanding him before the doors are even shut.
“What if I hadn’t been there?”
“I would have been buzzed through,” Sabo murmurs, slouching into Ace’s side and forcing Ace to support some of his weight. “And then let in with a master key.”
“You could have called to see if I was home.”
“I did that last time. You said you would be out late.”
“I was. I came back a little ahead of schedule because I was concerned about you not having your key.”
Ace says this like he’s disgruntled, and he probably is just a little bit. But he still wraps Sabo into an easy hug, holding him tight against his side.
“I need to take my contacts out,” Sabo mumbles, then stifles a yawn into his fist.
The elevator door opens and Ace pushes him through, movements suddenly more harried than they’d been before. Sabo hums in question but isn’t met with an answer until Ace has unlocked the heavy door to their apartment and Sabo is shoved through with zero regard for removing his shoes.
He’s pinned to the back of the door before he can even think of them again, eyes wide as Ace crowds him in. “What–” he tries, but Ace cuts him off by molding their lips together, gaining easier access to Sabo’s mouth with it half-opened to start with.
Sabo dissolves into the heated kiss, letting Ace and the weight of the door keep him upright as his legs turn to jelly. Ace slides a hand up his neck and tangles his fingers in Sabo’s hair. Sabo can’t do anything of the sort, because he’s still holding the ten-kilo index binder.
Ace pulls back to breathe, leaving their reddened faces centimeters apart. “You’re so cute,” he huffs. “I wanted to do that in the elevator, but there are cameras in there.”
“Oh,” Sabo breathes, still at a loss for words. “Well. Uh.” He blinks slowly. “No cameras in here.”
Ace pulls away more and laughs under his breath. “Is that an invitation to continue?”
“Let me set my stuff down first.”
Ace shakes his head. “You look like you’re about to collapse. Here.” He reaches out to take hold of Sabo’s backpack, sliding one strap to the crook of his elbow to leave both hands free to help Sabo out of his shoes. “Go put your glasses on before you fall asleep with your contacts in.”
“Mn.” Sabo moves slowly down the hall, setting the binder down on the nearest flat surface he comes across. “Wouldn’t kill me.”
“I know,” Ace says from just behind. He wraps his arms around Sabo’s waist just as Sabo comes to a stop in front of the bathroom mirror, and then kisses up the side of his throat before finishing his train of thought. “But I want you to take care of yourself.”
“Love you,” Sabo can’t help but mumble, nearly growing boneless again in Ace’s embrace.
Ace smiles into his skin. “Love you,” he echoes softly. “So, so much. More than you can ever imagine.” He pulls away, smile growing when Sabo begins to frown. “Put your glasses on. I’ll find us something to eat.”
“If I do, will you kiss me again?”
Ace just about melts where he stands. “If you do, I’ll kiss you all you want. Forever and ever.”
It’s easy for Sabo’s tired mind to consider that a promise.
just watched ace in wano & read some novel spoilers and i already understood why so many people showed up at marineford for him. not just because he’s in wb’s crew and is roger’s son. if this life gives me such an warm-hearted soft sweet sunshine i would also protect him at all costs.
and just think about it. then you’ll realize why sabo was so important. because that warm polite sweet sunshine and caring protective brother everyone loves would never exist without sabo. and luffy, but sabo was the reason why ace paid attention to luffy from the very first start. ofc ace is nice by nature. but sabo was the one who brought that nature out. the only one could see the kindness in the 5yo son of the pirate king was sabo and he brought it out for everyone to see what he saw.
ace and luffy are everyone’s sunshine. sabo’s not - he’s strong-minded, making schemes and plot - he’s the chief of staff anyways, even feral and cunning and cruel. but he’s sunshines’ sunshine. he’s both sunshine creator and sunshine protector.
oh and my delulu brain can’t stop imagining possessive sabo smirking at ace’s pursuers “oh ye you like him? know him more than i do? are you sure? i made him. i made the person you like today. what make you think there’s a slightest chance he will choose you over me?”
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