A Problem With Veracity

Jin smiled, couldn’t seem to keep the smile off her face, the more she listened to him. The more she basked in his presence. With newly opened eyes and newly recovered memories, she still saw him in the same light. Blinding and burning and there was no doubt in her mind of her feelings for him.

“I think I know why I loved you then.” She remembered the first time she walked down the beach so many lifetimes past to watch the sea kiss her shadow and her feet, watched in amazement as the water came back over and over again to her -running back like a lover, always meant to return- and it was the first time she felt love. Long before she even knew what love was. “You felt like the sea and the sky. You look like the sun. You held me down when no one would. In times when even I couldn’t.”

Memories of how she tried so hard for him -memories of how she tried to be better, kinder, good- lapped at the surface, pain moving along with it like broken glass, but she kept her smile to hide the pain. She didn’t want him to see her pain knowing it would hurt him more.

“And right now, you still feel the same to me. And remembering you feels like waking up from a two thousand days of sleep. It’s painful but remembering you is worth it. Having you is worth all the pain, god knows what pain I caused you.”

Her voice was low, apologetic, as she remembered some of the pain she caused him. The guilt he felt for all the lives lost, no matter how sullied they may be, still weighed on his conscience every single time she killed. And it’s still a miracle and a mystery to her now as it was back then why he still chooses to welcome her in with open arms.

“I’ll always send my love to my sun. After all, you’re the only good in this life I don’t seem to scare off.”

And the pain was almost unbearable as she remembered more, fragments of memories crashing in an excruciating wave, and she could feel the red rise up but held it in with a smile and a subtle grip on her own beverage. Hold on to something that won’t break Jin. Not his hand, not his heart. Not yet.

With a shaky exhale, she released her hold on her coffee and an even shakier voice she spoke to him with all the strength she could muster, suddenly drained by the assault her own code had done to her. “Funny how two stills of a life can bring back so many memories. Funny how even after years, nothing changed. Not my heart, not yours.” Jin took the pictures from the table, willing her hands not to tremble at the movement as the aftershock of the pain hummed in her still, and looked at the catalyst of all the memories that had been unlocked.

As soon as her eyes no longer felt like they were tinted like fire, she looked back at him. “Can we leave? I feel tired.”

She patiently waited for his answer, a simple yes or no delayed by his nerves as he pulled away from her in the most tender of ways and she had to admire -all over again- how he never seemed to have changed at all. Not in how he moved or what he did when he tried to calm his nerves. When he was a bit too overcome with emotions.

She may only remember a few of their memories, but in those flashes of her past, she could see his emotions. And she could see the sincerity in his eyes. The same sincerity reflected the moment he gave her the answer.

Jin watched as he took to sipping his coffee before speaking, stumbling over his words, to assure her he’s never denying her his company. And for that she was thankful. Happy. Relieved to know she had another chance to be around and with the man who felt very much like the sun no matter how dark her life got.

“You’re too kind, especially to me. What did I do to deserve you my love?” And her question was quiet, as she was half uncertain she wanted him to hear, but if he did she wanted to know. She wanted to be reminded before she remembered exactly what she did to deserve his love. “I don’t remember doing anything good in my life to deserve you.”

“I remember. I remember you. In fragments and flashes and solid moments that are too overwhelming. You’re the key to the memories he’s hidden.” Her creator -her father- was someone she would have to accept she will never know. But she was thankful for knowing what it took to unlock the memories he left in her, no matter how painful remembering might be. It was worth the memories of the man who burned beautifully like the sun. “I can wait for them to come again. The memories come in like tidal waves, and it’s why they hurt. I can take it, if and when they decide to return. I can take the pain.”

Jin sighed, placing a hand over his own. She was frost compared to him and it always confounded her as to how, of all the people in the world, he kept his love for her. When she was nothing more than just a pawn. Someone so easy to forget. “But my love, you already know I don’t need luxury. Coffee is good, coffee will do. You and coffee and your love would be enough.”

She leaned into his touch, always warm and inviting, and closed her eyes.They’ve slowly returned to the colour they should be -tinted like a stormy sky- but she can’t keep on subjecting him to the torture of looking at what she really is, no matter how much she knows he loved her. The colour of her eyes -blood red, pomegranate seeds, soft sunset depending on the light- had always been a grim reminder of what she was, what she still is, and it’s something she wasn’t too fond of reminding him.

“But can I see you more?”

Her lips formed a shy smile as she looked at him, as if unsure what to ask. She wanted to be around Yunho, to be back in his life once more. As selfish as that sounded. She wanted to get back everything she lost, everything that was ripped away from him.

“Can I just be in your life more?”

Her eyes were unfocused when she opened them once more and she was sure they were red. She was built to withstand pain immeasurable but it did not mean she couldn’t feel it. She can feel the pain still surging in waves and it knocked the wind out of her and her only fighting chance was to focus on something. A trick from her creator she still could not see.

Mind over matter. That’s what humans always said, that’s what he said, when he taught her about pain. If you ignore it, it won’t go away. But instead of the screaming pain, you will be left with a humming you can make peace with.

And so she focused. With eyes still bright red, like the rubies she had received as gift thousands of days past, from a man long dead and gone, she focused.

Focused on the memory that had returned; of sunsets and sunrises with Yunho’s laughter and his sun kissed skin. Focused on the feel of the sheets that hid bare bodies from the world outside like a wall keeping secrets in.

Focus on the man in front of her.

The man whose life was touched by a being no one came to think would be capable of love. The man whose face was painted with worry and regret and pain in shades comparable only to the colours of The Ninth Wave, the man she saw walk through hell and come out singing.

“If there’s anyone selfish here,” Jin’s voice cracked, strained from the force of keeping herself silent in the pain. “it would be me. Because even after you have healed, I still haunt you.”

She could still remember the feel of his hands on her when they stayed in Jeju. And though his life itself was touched by time, it could not change his tenderness. If she only judged with the intensity of his worry and the way he wiped her tears, she’d say he never aged a day.

“This isn’t the price of remembering, my love. He’s not that cruel, not to me.” And the term of endearment slipped out her tongue like it was never forgotten, hidden where the light could not pass. “Can’t you see? This is the price of all the pain I’ve caused you. A price I’m willing to pay.”

His honesty came at her like a tsunami and it drowned her. The truth was a double edged sword, she was always told. And right now, it couldn’t be any truer. And it pulled at a memory in her, asleep for years but painfully waking up.

Jin closed her eyes and kept the pain in, simmering underneath the surface but never allowed to paint her face. She was sure that her hands had dropped temperature; she was well aware of how cold she was but the pain was sending ice through her. It wouldn’t have hurt much if she were human, but being made of codes made the pain all too real. Inescapable.

Amidst the pain, flashes of sunsets and smiles and laughter went through like a slideshow. And she still can’t believe that she was given a chance to live an emotion she never thought she deserved.

Silence was all she could muster up, the only thing she could do to not let him see her in pain. Yunho doesn’t deserve to see her pain, not after all he’s been through. She understood the picture, that much she can attest to, the emotions of it and the love, oh the love she felt for him.

As soon as the pain was bearable, she released his fingers from her grasp, afraid she’d hurt him without knowing. Again.

“I saw Jeju.” It was all she could explain before the pain doubled over once more as it fed more locked memories to her. The exchange was brutal but to her, it was worth it. She could feel the tears flowing from her face, but she couldn’t even make herself move to wipe it off. She had failed to hide just how much pain it was for the codes to be unlocked, but amidst the pain she that paralysed her, she managed to choke out two words before she could no longer look at him. “I remember.”

His reaction to the second part of her offer, of her disappearing altogether, in quiet panic shocked her. She did not expect him to react as he did, and it tugged at her in ways she couldn’t quite explain. And to be quite honest, she doesn’t even want to leave him anyways.

“No leaving then.” Jin smiled as she took his hand, holding onto it with both hers. “No leaving, no pity. Just the truth.”

Words bubbled up to her throat and she had to stop himself from saying them, afraid she’d say something she’d regret later on.

It was not everyday she felt those emotions -regret or fear itself- but they always clawed at her whenever Yunho was concerned. For things she couldn’t even understand, much less decipher.

“And why would I pity you?” Her question was asked with her eyes more focused on his hand, her own trying to avoid the weight of his gaze. And without waiting for his answer, she picked up the photograph of them and looked at him once more. “I just want to know. Starting with the story of this photo.”

Pain was something she was built to handle, she wanted to argue. Being in pain was what she could handle best, even at its worst. But the pain in his eyes made her hold back her retort.

The truth might hurt her physically, but it looks like it’d kill him inside. And that was a state she didn’t want him in, no matter how little she knew of him.

“My pain is temporary.” Her eyes followed his every movement as she talked, how uncomfortable it got for him to just think up the idea of her past. She must really have hurt him judging from his action. “But yours seem to be deep.”

Jin was never taught to second guess her actions, her words, but looking at him made her want to stop altogether, maybe the past for him was better left where it is, in memories tucked far away.

And in a rare occurrence for her, she countered her own words. Without reason other than to save him from his own pain if she could.

“If you don’t want to though, it’s fine. You can forget and I won’t remember, and we can be friends.” Cradling the coffee with both hands, she smiled in resignation. She would give him is choices, his life back. “Or if it’s more ideal, if it was a mistake to come back, I can disappear once more. Never to bother you again.”

Confirmation was all she needed from him, cold affirmation of the fact that he was the man in the picture.

Although the photo itself did not trigger memories to be unlocked, she had seen enough of Yunho to deduce that it was him. And that was all that mattered.

“These are much to intimate for us to be friends.” She really could not hold her tongue any longer as soon as the truth, no matter how vague, tumbled out of him. Grey eyes ran through his features as if memorising every line and colour of his face. “Why can’t I have the truth you have?”

Her eyes fell on the photograph once again, serene and beautiful in its simplicity. It looked like a whole different life, something she can’t possibly have lived, but it felt like it was hers to own as well. The absence of memories she should not even be able to forget in the first place left her hollow, and she just simply wanted to know.

“I don’t remember.” Admitting defeat was never her strong point, and she closed her eyes to avoid his stare. With eyes still closed she went on, silently wishing he would let himself be known. “I know you’re Apollo because it can’t be anyone else. I know you’re the man in the picture because I observed. But I don’t remember.”

With a heavy sigh she opened her eyes, already accepting the outcome. Yunho felt like someone you could trust your secrets to, and if he wanted he could hold on to the pieces of her until his death. And Jin knew that her voice would break before she even spoke, knew she was far too emotional for something she doesn’t even understand, but still. “I just want to know.”

Her eyes constantly moved from the photo to the door every single time it chimed to announce a customer, quietly hoping it would be him with each passing moment. And each time, she was met with disappointment as another stranger entered the door and not the sunshine of a man she agreed to meet.

Soon enough though, the man himself walked through the door and grey eyes surveyed each move; the subtle weight he put on one leg, a little -almost unnoticeable- limp he had. Even the way he masked himself to the world was extremely familiar to her. He was familiar as can be, but unknown at the same time. And it hurt.

Shuffling the photos as he walked closer, smiling as he sat in front of her. He looked like the man in the picture, well his silhouette was, she noted, and she pushed the pictures towards him after he handed the coffee to her.

“Good to see you too, Yunho-ssi.” Her reply felt too clipped, even with the smile on her lips. “ Well, I know what ai want but can you show me how well you know me?”

In the gloomy cool of the coffee shop Jin was colder still, wrapped in black and white, all clean simple lines, perfectly poised and contained. Even when she smiled it didn’t melt the cool assessing gaze as she looked him over. Knowing. Somehow, knowing him without even realising that she could look right into the core of him. The photos stayed in the middle of the table and Yunho bent forward to look at them, immediately recognising himself and the scene captured in the polaroid. It was from a long time ago, so far back that Yunho was almost reluctant to reach for the memory through the haze of everything that had passed since then. A hotel room, his body covering hers so completely. The sea outside, it’s soft susurration lulling them to sleep at night. The heat, the glorious summer heat melting their bones together. He had been happy, then. In love. “You still have these?” It was all he managed for the moment, composing himself to look into her eyes as he tried to decipher what she knew, what she knew he felt. A game he was already tired of playing but kept up to protect her. “You know it’s me. I know that you know that, deep down.” His tone was soft, his eyes unwavering from her face as he sipped at his sweet coffee. “Jeju. A long time ago. Before I got- lost.”

His step was lighter these days, not the slow drag of his leg at it’s worst, or the drunken weave that was the way he navigated years previously. Still a limp though, he’d never be rid of that, but far less noticeable than when Jin was last in his life, certainly. Yunho wondered what she’d make of him as he approached. They’d last met in... difficult circumstances, to say the least. She hadn’t seen him move much around his apartment. Would she remember what ailed him? Would this new Jin disapprove of such physical weakness. She’d never been anything but caring and loving before but... Something in his mind shied away from straying too far down that path. The idea that Jin was lines and lines of code, something to be overwritten, was painful and strange to Yunho, a little seed of doubt about her that even in his softest moments still flourished. Code. She could change at any moment, on anyone’s whim. She had changed, had been overwritten. What’s to stop it happening again and again? The coffee shop was the same as ever though, a place he had liked well and yet could never bring himself to step foot in after Jin had disappeared. And Jin, there, watching the door, beautiful but indistinct as he moved from the sunshine into the cool shade of the interior. Yunho smiled at her, because he couldn’t not do it, and fidgeted as he ordered two iced coffees to bring the to the table. He concentrated so hard on walking normally and not spilling the drinks that he missed any reaction Jin might have shown and he silently chastised himself for that, needing as many clues as he could get to parse her reaction to him these days. “Jin. It’s good to see you.” A vast understatement, but true nonetheless. Yunho seated himself opposite her and slid one coffee across to her. “I don’t know if you take sugar or cream these days but I’ll get them for you if you want.”

“So I did.” It was a quiet sentence that even she could barely hear. So this was, without a doubt or question, the man who owned the heart that -against all odds- beat and loved. He was the miracle worker she had dreamed of for longer than she could remember.

“I don’t know what you did to think it untrue but…” She paused to gather her own wits as she saw the stone cold resolve behind his eyes. He was calm and collected and much like quiet fury that it made her understand just why she fell in the first place. The story may all be backed out but she understood it clearly just why he owned her heart. And when Jin spoke, it was to calm the storm he had brewed inside without even realizing.

“You know, I’ve been looking for home.” Her voice was barely above a whisper but she would bet her life that Yunho heard and she knew she’d win. “I’ve been nowhere near home as I’ve been now.”

And clear grey eyes watched as he moved, purposely avoiding her. It hurt -a pain known to her now in a short span of time she spent with Yunho- and now she could pinpoint the name of the pain. It was her heart breaking every single time he looked at her, thinking her feelings were all calculated, all a trick of her game. Something she also saw behind his own eyes, only a little bit different; a thinly concealed heartbreak masked by a coldness that her countless winters could never sum up to.

“Yunho, did I really seem like such a liar to you back then?” And Jin’s question broke her as much as it did the man as soon as it left her mouth, the words feeling like a double edged sword wounding both as it went past. “I know, without a doubt, that you had my heart.” You still do, she wanted to add before her mind deemed it inappropriate. “Was I really that cruel to you?”