"I told her it's a Hungarian Horntail"

your older sibling telling you you’re an idiot for eating laundry detergent just isn’t the same thing as your parents berating you for not having a job in a shitty economy

Well, clearly you failed 9th grade Social Studies.

Hey, 911, I just witnessed a murder.

kids, when you’re choosing your college schedule, you’ll hear a voice saying “just take the 8AM class. it won’t be that bad. you’ve done it for this long” that’s the devil talking

pls adopt old dogs from shelters they’re very low maintenance most of the time and they deserve love as much as any puppy. if ur worried about them not being a “forever friend” that’s ok! u’d be surprised how quickly u’ll bond with ur doggy if u put in the time and love they need. adopt old dogs, they don’t deserve to spend the rest of their lives in a shelter. 

sometimes when my phone buzzes in public i pretend it’s all my friends texting me but it’s really just three different sports apps letting me know my team scored

Pls tell me your fav heavy metal songs

rock me - one direction

i thought christmas was like… next friday or something its in like 3 days fuck

going through my microsoft word archives is great fun because i always find the wildest shit in there and by “the wildest shit” i mean the time i tried to rewrite the entire bible from scratch at the age of eleven and a half

I would read this in its entirety.

clint barton is the kind of guy who can hit a fly from 100m away with a bow and arrow but if you yell think fast and throw something at him he will not catch it and it will hit him in the face

#of course he wont he’s deaf

THIS GETS BETTER EVERY TIME

YES