“I’d like that. I’ve got this killer dress I just bought with Nat. Guaranteed for one growly boyfriend before even leaving the house. I’ll heat up some of that caramel sauce you can drizzle it on the kettle corn” Her voice stays quiet, eyes watching him, watching to see if the whole revelation and conversation with her twin had been too much.
He seems okay with his next words though.
She stares at her hands for a long, long time. He’s giving her an out, she can nods her head and say something easy to that effect and they’ll go on with their night. But it doesn’t seem right to her. James Barnes loves her, every crooked dark part of her. If anyone is going to understand it, it will be him. Her hands reach up, unclasping the necklace and sliding the ring he had given her on the right finger. It’s a terrible tell to how nervous, how hard she thinks it will be that she’s switched it there. Easier to fidget with, reminds her of how unconditional this man’s love is. “It was Tommy’s idea, he was always the one planning ways to get us out of there. Marines seemed like a good way to get us away from our abusive adoptive parents and channel all the anger. Jason lived down the street, we dated a bit, on and off.” Fingers play with the metal band, twisting it up and down. “We all managed to stay together. Same special forces unit and everything. And uhh that last mission.”
her voice breaks off, stopping and trying to breath. sometimes saying it out loud is worse.
Her hand reaches out, gripping the best she can at her boyfriends thigh. “That last mission wasn’t supposed to be the last one. We got sent in and Jason, Tommy and I were the only ones to survive. And it’s my fault. They sent us home, honorable discharge. And I just..I couldn’t handle it. Neither of them blamed me. They kept telling me it wasn’t my fault but I knew it was. The more they said it wasn’t the harder to handle it got. So I left, came to LA. Tommy became a cop and I mean he thinks it’s the petty stuff, he has no idea what we’re actually doing. And he and Jason love their jobs. But if they’re part of my life, it will come down to them having to choose. And I won’t be the cause of them loosing anything else.” her voice sounds fierce, more angry at herself than anything else. Her eyes close, trying to pull back, trying not to think about their faces, about the long stretch of walking they had done just the three of them to their extraction point. Tears and dirt and blood of their friends on their faces.
“Not telling you was just…one less time I had to tell the story. If I told you about him, I would have had to explain why I kept him away. And I knew you wouldn't’ judge, but it still felt….god even talking about it like this. I feel like I’m back there, sitting in my vantage point just watching. Too late to do anything about what I should have seen coming anyways.” her head dips to look out the window, finger running over the emerald stone in her ring.
he will swear on his death bed that he doesn’t get growly but also doesn’t have the energy to say as much out loud. too many other things on his mind between steve, the fight from earlier, and now mysterious family members he’d known nothing about. bucky was staring at the road in front of him and desperately not trying to fall down that slippery slope of what else isn’t she telling me because, again, every job they’d ever done together was performed in a way that he knew he could trust kelly with his life. part of him doesn’t even really doesn’t want to know at this point. they’d gone this long without talking about twin brothers. so, why not continue? knowing didn’t change the way he knew the guy and certainly didn’t change how their conversations were going to go. all talking about it would do would kick up emotional dust for her and between them. not worth it. tommy was a good guy, that’s all bucky needed.
lips part. knee jerk reaction dictated he remind her that however the mission went down certainly wasn’t her fault. guilt was a funny thing, though. tended not to abide by the rules of logic no matter how much you wanted them to. bucky could point out she didn’t order a hit. bucky could also point out that unless she pulled some triggers against the back of their heads it wasn’t their fault. sometimes shit went sideways no matter how much you plan otherwise. same thing could happen on a job just like it could happen here on the road. as much as bucky babied his own vehicle some jackoff could still ram into the side of him out of nowhere.
“ so you punish the family you have left by pushing them away? “ bucky asks as gently as he can, mainly because he wants to put everything in a different perspective. it’s also a genuine question. definitely not for deputy dip’s benefit. bucky could already tell it didn’t matter what side of the law anyone was on, there was only ever one side to stand on. he recognized it because it was the same way he felt about steve. he’d choose his best friend above all else no matter what that put him in the line of fire of. “ you’re right. i’m not judging because i don’t want to be around goody two-shoes, either, but, “ one shoulder lifts in a shrug. time didn’t necessarily heal all wounds but the scabs could grow over and you can hope to function with it. “ we do stupid things for the people we love. i have a busted lip to prove it. “
