girl of strife, woman of discord

           more steve.  more mentions of this ghost that was just out of reach and even more frustration knotting in the pit of his stomach.  trying to connect what was being shoved in his face with what he could reconcile in his mind was making him borderline mad.  crazy.  everyone talking to him like this was a concept he should be able to grasp  no one seemed to want to hear that he couldn’t remember.  or maybe it was simply that they couldn’t wrap their heads around the concept that he couldn’t.  holding on too tightly to a body they lost long ago.

          at the same time, it was clear there was no way to stop it.  so, he’d sit and he’d listen.  he’d learn.  maybe he’d be able to gather enough information or trust to escape when everyone was sleeping.  not compliance, necessarily.  he was loathe to get rid of this autonomy that he’d been learning to deal with before the agents came raining down on him, trading one cage for another.

          “ no preference in designation, “ he repeats again.  this time he has a more firm grip on the hilt of his throwing knife.  head tilts to the side.  ‘ howard ‘ triggers something but he can’t really grasp what it means.  dark knight.  woman screaming.  doors slamming.  he had no idea what any of it meant, though.  the images weren’t whole like he was looking at the scene through a piece of paper with holes torn into it.  just like everything else, one or two pieces from being able to understand the whole thing.

          “ you remember things, “ head tilts to the side again but this time in something closer to a shrug.  “ i get pieces.  i get pieces that don’t make any sense.  some my gut tells me is older.  some are newer.  “  none of it made any sense and he had no idea how to piece anything together in a way that would give him answers.  he could look at his throwing knife and remember a day only for that to sharply turn into a night involving completely different people.  obviously, he was the link between the two since they were ( he assumed ) his own memories but it was such a mess.  

         “ there’d been this little old lady in bucharest that i…i guess i helped her.  she was in the market and her cart little cart got stuck on a curb after she’d bought some oranges. “  such a normal conversation.  one that lasted longer than he’d intended.  “ told me plums would help me remember.  hasn’t yet.  not even really sure why that’s coming back right now. “  

“Sunshine it is then.” she says with a smile, lifting a slice of the steak to her mouth and savoring it slightly. She wasn’t the foodie Tony was, didn’t go yelling about the proper Italian way to make things. Kelly didn’t much care about what she ate, but when it was something this good she tended to let herself savor it. As a child it had always been a controlled diet and as a mercenary and arms dealer it had been quick meals between jobs. 

Her lips pursed, dark eyebrows knitting together as she attempted to figure out the best words. She envied him, his ability to forget. Her eyes closed at night and sometimes all she did was remember, remember deaths and torment and the ease at with she had done it. The world had not apologized for hurting her, so she did not apologize for hurting people. But would he appericate her envy when he seemed to want to remember, when the struggle seemed to frustrate him. “I do. And it’s both a blessing and a curse.” she settles on, picking up the soda bottle and taking a deep pull from it. “I’d give anything not to remember who I was. What I did. But it also keeps me here. Reminds me why I’m playing hero.” 

Maybe it’s easier to admit it to someone who doesn’t know her, who doesn’t insist that what she did was just her way of coping with a terrible childhood. 

          the whole soulmate aspect to life was just one more way people chose to argue he wasn’t worth the air he took up.  bullies from down the street would point at his wrist and emphasize the fact that his date was messed up.  how could anyone have a date from so far into the future?  steve would be long dead by then.  just one more way to show that he was an anomaly.  unworthy.

         so, steve very quickly put the possibility out of his mind.  who needed a soulmate, anyway?  there were many people who never found their soulmate, didn’t like them, didn’t get along with them, or chose not to be with them for some reason.  whatever marketing tactics would have you believe, they were clearly not a pre-requisite to survival.  he treated it like it wasn’t a part of life since, clearly, it wouldn’t be for him.  and, that was okay.

          waking up seventy years later, though, made him think twice about a few things.  some number on his body knowing that was a possibility brought about a number of existential questions.  for instance, the faith he’d tossed out once his mother died and the concentration on the sciences.  fatalism suddenly had more ground to stand on, at least as far as he was concerned.  but, again, there was no reason to believe in the whole soulmate issue.  the questions and the sarcastic jokes flung his way by various members of shield only reinforced that resolve.

          after the mission, kelly’s gone before he can even think of an answer.  eyebrows pinch together because it kind of felt out of the blue.  beyond missions there were very little interaction since they both had a little too much on their minds.  he showers, letting the heat and steam chase the demons away.  blue eyes focus on the dirt and blood that circle around the drain at his feet.

          making his way up to kelly’s room takes longer than he anticipates but there are things on his mind that weigh him down.  was this a date?  had he been completely misreading their interactions as of late?  fingers curl into knuckles, knocking on the door.

She goes through the motions of removing her uniform once she’s upstairs, trying her best to keep her mind from swirling. What the hell the universe thought it was playing at sticking someone like her with a man as good as Steve Rogers was anyone’s guess. It didn’t seem remotely fair to him. 

The inability to not keep thinking about it follows her into the shower, her eyes glued to the blood that was coming off of her. Even with most of her body covered, it still managed to get all over her. Wasn’t that her way though? Nat talked about red ledgers but how do you really wipe it all away when it’s all you’ve ever been? Tony always tells her that what she did before isn’t who she is now. She privately thinks maybe he’s wrong.

She considers chickening out by the time she’s changing into something comfortable. Tony designed her a watch that perfectly covered her date and SHIELD doesn’t have an extensive file on her, unless she told him there would be no way for Steve Rogers to know she technically died. So there would be no need for him to talk about his date. They’d never have to confirm or deny if they were soulmates. 

Which of course is when she hears Steve knocking. “shit” she swears to herself, pulling on tank top over her bra as she half jogs to the door, looking frazzled as she opens the door and steps aside to let him in. “Sorry.” she says on a blush, closing the door behind him once he’s stepped inside. “Got lost in my head.” 

         he will swear on his death bed that he doesn’t get growly but also doesn’t have the energy to say as much out loud.  too many other things on his mind between steve, the fight from earlier, and now mysterious family members he’d known nothing about.  bucky was staring at the road in front of him and desperately not trying to fall down that slippery slope of what else isn’t she telling me because, again, every job they’d ever done together was performed in a way that he knew he could trust kelly with his life.  part of him doesn’t even really doesn’t want to know at this point.  they’d gone this long without talking about twin brothers.  so, why not continue?  knowing didn’t change the way he knew the guy and certainly didn’t change how their conversations were going to go.  all talking about it would do would kick up emotional dust for her and between them.  not worth it.  tommy was a good guy, that’s all bucky needed.

                     a good annoying guy.

          lips part.  knee jerk reaction dictated he remind her that however the  mission went down certainly wasn’t her fault.  guilt was a funny thing, though.  tended not to abide by the rules of logic no matter how much you wanted them to.  bucky could point out she didn’t order a hit.  bucky could also point out that unless she pulled some triggers against the back of their heads it wasn’t their fault.  sometimes shit went sideways no matter how much you plan otherwise.  same thing could happen on a job just like it could happen here on the road.  as much as bucky babied his own vehicle some jackoff could still ram into the side of him out of nowhere.

                      it was just life.

          “ so you punish the family you have left by pushing them away? “  bucky asks as gently as he can, mainly because he wants to put everything in a different perspective.  it’s also a genuine question.  definitely not for deputy dip’s benefit.  bucky could already tell it didn’t matter what side of the law anyone was on, there was only ever one side to stand on.  he recognized it because it was the same way he felt about steve.  he’d choose his best friend above all else no matter what that put him in the line of fire of.  “ you’re right.  i’m not judging because i don’t want to be around goody two-shoes, either, but, “ one shoulder lifts in a shrug.  time didn’t necessarily heal all wounds but the scabs could grow over and you can hope to function with it.  “ we do stupid things for the people we love.  i have a busted lip to prove it. “

“I’m protecting them. And us.” she explains quietly, her hand squeezing his tightly. “You’d like Tommy. If life ever throws us a break and you get a chance to know them, you’d like him and Jason. Steve always reminds me of Tommy. And Jase is a weird cross of Clint and Sam which is as terrifying as it sounds I promise.” she laughs, teasing him and hoping that it lightens the feeling of a vice around her heart. 

Her eyes study his face for a few seconds before considering her words. “This is my stupid thing. I know, I know it’s fucked up and it makes no sense really but it keeps them from making a choice they can’t undo.” her eyes gaze at the road through the side view mirror for a few moments. “If they get backed into a corner and have to corner and are forced to choose they’ll end up with our life. And if that was what they wanted, they wouldn’t be cops. And keeping them away, it keeps our family safe. At the risk of sounding like a mob wife our little family comes first. You come first. That’s just how it is.” her shoulders lift in a shrug because she doesn’t have much to say on the subject beyond that. 

Her date is from the 1940s.

Growing it had been heartbreaking. As people saw dates far into the future, hers was decades in the past. She had taken it to mean she didn’t deserve one. And that had made her cold, callous. Had wanted to break the world with hands that could destroy easily as anything.

She wonders if her little death counts. If he’s walking around with the day her body had given out on his wrist thinking he’s come into a future where he’s missed his chance again. At least they’re both fucked up. She waits until they’re back in the tower post Shawarma, Loki in a cell and plans to sleep before sending him, Thor and the tesseract back. She grabs Steve around the bicep, gentle with their matched strength.

“Hey Cap. Come up to my floor after you’ve showered and changed and uhh, have a drink with me? Something I wanna talk to you about.” She says slightly awkward and hoping he says yes without too much a fuss

         he’s been trying to figure out what was reality and what wasn’t when everything came crashing in for a second time.  in the time since they’d brought him here he learned, oddly, that it wasn’t malice.  this wasn’t another center for him to be reprogrammed or tossed into the cold place ( he was starting to remember those much more vividly now ).  but they were bringing in people who spoke like there was an assessment test to pass.  it kept him on edge and it made it harder to try and reach for those thoughts floating just out of reach.  he kept feeling like he was about to remember something only for it to pull away again.

          when she passes beneath one of the room’s lights he’s hit with an image.  caravan in the desert.  ascertain package.  guns.  blood dust screaming….HELP ME HE’S HERE…

         eyes cast down, holding on to that for as long as he can.  hoping the thread will take him back far enough for a precious other piece.  he finds the cold.  there’s an older gentleman leaning over him asking if everything was functioning.  but, not directly to him, no.  someone else in the room.  someone at the other end of all the wires.  clipboard.  always clipboards.

          with his eyes so focused down on the carpet he realizes that, yes, there is that weird sensation in the pit of his stomach he’d been starting to associate with hunger.  the knife spins between the pads of his fingers.  that he hasn’t moved immediately is a reminder he can become his own person again.  since the helicarrier there’d been this clawing feeling at the back of his head that he wasn’t always like this.  he’d been his own person once, hadn’t he?  so, after a few tentative steps he decides to sit in the unoccupied chair.  “ there is no preference in designation, “ head cants to the side.  “ everyone else keeps trying to call me steve?  why not stick to that, “ he glances down at the knife still between his fingers.  “ as if the more people who shout it will make me remember faster. “  assuming it was his to remember in the first place.  “ i don’t remember a serum but you don’t sound too happy about it.  even angry. “

She won’t talk about Sarajevo, not yet. That seems to be a little to much for the man sitting across from her right now. Towards the end, when killing people just to make the world hurt had been...too much, felt too wrong, she had swapped into moving weapons around. The contact that called was middle man for what she now knew had been HYDRA and suddenly the Winter Captain was picking through her cache of weapons for whatever he needed and paying in cash.

Her chest aches at the way he says it “no preference in designation.” God she wanted to get right to rooting out the hydra bases that had been found in the info dump. Anything to get rid of the knot in his chest. A designation for a weapon, not a a name for a man.

She was familiar with that.

They all had designations that were used more than their own names. The scientist that had adopted them saw them more as experiments then children. Kelly was Dragon, a name she held on to, made her own in some way of reclaiming power. Tommy had been Falcon. She didn’t like to think about the three others, the ones she killed to survive.

“Cuz you’re not the Steve they think of when they say it. Even Tony has bias because of Howard. Don’t seem fair is all.” She pauses tilting her head just slightly. “How about I call you sunshine? Something not attached to any of it really.”

          the rest of their conversation is a blur.  trained eyes watch up and down the highway in order to leave the siblings to their goodbyes, however long it takes.  that and his level of annoyance at a number of things have the former soldier mentally off in his own little world.  there are jokes about cars and reminiscing about the one named jason.  all bucky was able to dot together was that the three knew each other previously.  marines come to mind.

         a promise for calls ends in tommy trying to call out but all bucky has the energy for is a shake of his head.  it was an odd interaction that still left him feeling some kind of way.  at this point he wasn’t sure what that way was.  left out?  alone?  definitely confused but that was a pretty standard way of life.  blue eyes focus on boots walking away.  gravity pulls him back into the driver’s seat.  not even seconds later the glock finds it’s way back beneath his thigh.

          tommy takes down the magnetic siren and it disappears somewhere below the dash.  the pull away is faster than he used to, which could mean that he was telling the truth about not following anyone.  no typing. no walkie.  just a roar of the corvette’s engine before the wheels start putting distance between both vehicles.  in bucky’s mind he pulls away but, in reality, it takes a few extra seconds to get everything going.  there’s that sensation of being outside his own body, which always did a number on how interpreted the world.  almost like he was wading through pudding.

          looking down, bucky squeezes both hands into fists as if gauging how long it takes the reaction to process.  in the next heartbeat he also decides it doesn’t matter and hears the mazda’s engine start.  “ hm? “ he half looks over at the passenger seat, performing the motion but not really looking.  “ that’s fine.  ooohhh, there’s that package of kettle corn i’ve been wanting to try.  we can go dancing after races tomorrow, if you want.  should be much less eventful than it was today. “  he could hope, anyway.  every day was a toss up.

          it takes a little longer to touch the second part, mainly because he’s still not sure how to approach that.  trust?  no, he didn’t think it was an issue of trust, perse.  at least not where they stood as a whole.  trust with that piece of information?  maybe.  or whatever was tied to it.  understandable.  there were large chunks of his imprisonment he’d never told anyone.  was that the same?  “ we all have secrets, kel, “ bucky shrugs the shoulder closest to her.  “ part of the life.  and i don’t really see this one affecting anyone’s safety so it can stay that way. “

"I’d like that. I’ve got this killer dress I just bought with Nat. Guaranteed for one growly boyfriend before even leaving the house. I’ll heat up some of that caramel sauce you can drizzle it on the kettle corn” Her voice stays quiet, eyes watching him, watching to see if the whole revelation and conversation with her twin had been too much. 

He seems okay with his next words though.

She stares at her hands for a long, long time. He’s giving her an out, she can nods her head and say something easy to that effect and they’ll go on with their night. But it doesn’t seem right to her. James Barnes loves her, every crooked dark part of her. If anyone is going to understand it, it will be him. Her hands reach up, unclasping the necklace and sliding the ring he had given her on the right finger. It’s a terrible tell to how nervous, how hard she thinks it will be that she’s switched it there. Easier to fidget with, reminds her of how unconditional this man’s love is. “It was Tommy’s idea, he was always the one planning ways to get us out of there. Marines seemed like a good way to get us away from our abusive adoptive parents and channel all the anger. Jason lived down the street, we dated a bit, on and off.” Fingers play with the metal band, twisting it up and down. “We all managed to stay together. Same special forces unit and everything. And uhh that last mission.”

her voice breaks off, stopping and trying to breath. sometimes saying it out loud is worse.

Her hand reaches out, gripping the best she can at her boyfriends thigh. “That last mission wasn’t supposed to be the last one. We got sent in and Jason, Tommy and I were the only ones to survive. And it’s my fault. They sent us home, honorable discharge. And I just..I couldn’t handle it. Neither of them blamed me. They kept telling me it wasn’t my fault but I knew it was. The more they said it wasn’t the harder to handle it got. So I left, came to LA.  Tommy became a cop and I mean he thinks it’s the petty stuff, he has no idea what we’re actually doing. And he and Jason love their jobs. But if they’re part of my life, it will come down to them having to choose. And I won’t be the cause of them loosing anything else.” her voice sounds fierce, more angry at herself than anything else. Her eyes close, trying to pull back, trying not to think about their faces, about the long stretch of walking they had done just the three of them to their extraction point. Tears and dirt and blood of their friends on their faces. 

          the first time he’d reconnected with his own sister after coming back from behind enemy lines bucky had been distant.  cold, even.  his mind couldn’t wrap around the concept of love or even positive reinforcement.  all he’d wanted was for rebecca to be far, far away.  there were too many wounds that cut down into his very soul.  part of him was angry, scared, and even stuck in that chair they’d kept him in.  sometimes the soldier believed not all of him came home.  mentally, anyway.  physically that was a given.  his arm had been so mangled from restraints, fights, and various other things that they’d replaced it as soon as he was home.

          looking at tommy, the facial expression was very reminiscent of what he got from rebecca.  loss.  loss of connection, loss of words….just loss.  a confusion of reconciling of what was with what they’d become.  those were a lot of assumptions on his part considering he had no idea how the twins operated but gut instinct told him the pieces weren’t too hard to put together.

         “ if you think that’s a decision i even have to think about, “ tommy raises an eyebrow with this weird hint of smile that bucky really just wanted to smack away.  that sentence gave him a hint of steve, which ruffled his feathers a little.  maybe because he was tired.  maybe because he was processing too much information and going a little too far back down memory lane.  mentally, however, bucky hopes there’s truth behind the sentiment.

         “ jason’s, “ the brother’s smile stretches a little further.  a step is taken in the other car’s direction, like he wished it was a different answer.  was there a speed demon somewhere inside the other oliver, too?  “ i drive a nissan titan.  in the shop, though.  leak in the oil pan, “ one shoulder lifts up.  “ he offered so i thought i’d try out the sports car life. “

         bucky pushes away from the car, fingers sliding to land on his belt buckle.  “ cute. “ head rolls to the side for another glance over kelly’s expression.  “ you two should catch up for breakfast, we tend to talk a lot when he pulls me over so, i’m good. “

         that has tommy shaking his head.  although, the soldier can’t really figure out why.  “ i’ll be around.  if you can?  that’s great.  if not then i understand. “

It wasn’t fair, she knew that. She should explain it to him better, should try and talk about how hard it was for her to handle the way he and Jason didn’t blame her. It wasn’t just what she did, not even counting the criminal activity he didn’t know about, but there was baggage. 

“Hey no I know it’s not Tom. It’s why I try to make it so you don’t have to. You love your job. I’m not gonna be the reason you loose anything else.” She gives him a look that begs him not to argue the second part with her, hoping that weird twin talking without speaking still worked. It wasn’t fair for Bucky that he was getting half answers and more questions standing there listening to them. Really they needed to end this so she could give him the explanations he deserved.

“You tell Rex that the Mazda would smoke not only his little matchbox car but yours too.” She laughs, glad to know that the two of them were still close. She worried about them not having anyone to lean on, even if it was stupid. Those two were as close as Steve and Bucky. Her eyes flit to James, wondering if he’s denial is out of actual want to not go or just wanting her to give him more information. “We’ll figure it out in the morning. Gotta make sure my boys get to know each other beyond traffic stops. I’ll call you okay? I promise.” Kelly ducks her head slightly, moving back around to the passenger side of her car, eyes now firmly on her boyfriend. 

“Why don’t we head home tonight instead babe? I’ll make that popcorn, we can watch one of those terrible movies you and Cap like.” An expanded version of their codes, a million different things they’ve come up with that sound benign but speak to larger, more important things. This one hides the meaning of “can’t talk here.” 

         he had been meaning to apologize for the paranoid commend.  he’d been meaning to say that if the guy was good then the guy was good.  bucky just wanted to cover all their bases.  it was also not that he didn’t trust steve because if there were only two facts in his very fucked up life it was that he could trust steve and kelly with it without thinking twice.  it was other people he didn’t trust.  he didn’t have time to say any of that, though.  the blinking lights behind him were such a distraction that the words fall to the wayside.  bucky would call himself paranoid if the tables were turned.  at the same time, he hadn’t quite worked through how to stop it.  there’d been suggestions by therapists way back in the day.  hypervigilance, they called it.  not true paranoid.  sort of just felt like it.  whatever it was, he hated it.

          it takes a few seconds to fully register that while bucky had been busy pulling a gun on officer goody, kelly was in the passenger seat freaking out.  eyes close, trying to process all of what he’d just heard.  seconds later he’s looking back out the window. “ your middle name is james? “  was that pride stretching his lips?  or mild annoyance?  great, so they shared a name.  didn’t mean a damn thing in the realm of their lives but on top of everything else?  annoyed.

         “ your middle name is buchanan? “  tommy’s head jerks back and bucky offers yet another look, one that asks what could possibly be wrong with that name.  “ figured bucky was short for…no idea…or maybe some macho kind of nickname. “

         “ don’t worry about where my name came from, tommy j. why are you at my window out in the middle of desert nowhere? “

         “ THIS ISN’T YOUR CAR. “

          “ close enough. “

          again, he was so caught up with the officer at his window that bucky takes a few extra seconds to register the fact that his middle name was commented on because kelly had been screaming it.  that, in turn, forced him to wonder if he’d get some kind of punishment later for ignoring her.  not intentionally.  he was currently extremely confused by everything that happened since the mazda rolled to a stop.  reluctantly, the glock drops on top of his thigh.  “ you know this weasel, kel? “

         “ i’m her brother.  she didn’t tell you she had a brother? is he why you’ve been ignoring my calls for weeks? “  

          when bucky glances back over his shoulder he could swear he saw something that looked like pain cross the cop’s features.  but it was a flicker.  something that could easily be waved away as a play on shadows and light.  so, he turns back to his girlfriend.  “ he’s pulled me over a few times.  got nothing.  “

There had been a lot of reasons for Kelly Oliver to want to bang her head off a wall in her life. One she hadn’t exactly considered was her twin and her boyfriend meeting and being literal children about each other. Dangerous men turned into bickering five year old's.

“Just be glad they aren’t shooting each other” Kim’s voice chides in her head.

She has a headache, a massive, massive headache. 

Gun is tucked back away, fingers pull open the door so she can stand up and get some air, leaning her body against the hood of the car. Her eyes lock with her boyfriends, tilting her head in a gesture for him to get out of the car. Little more space for them all, little less awkwardly talking through car windows. “Move out of his way Thomas, let Jamie out.” the difference in names to remind her brother that she is still supremely annoyed with him.

She fishes out her cigarettes and then lights one, offering the pack out to her brother. She doesn’t even know if he smokes at this point, the last time she had seen him in person had to be over a few months now. Once her boyfriend is also out of the car, she sighs and decides that both of them do need somewhat of an answers. “Jamie, this Tommy, my twin brother. Falcon, this Jamie, my boyfriend.” another drag of the cancer stick as she considers her next words. “And no he isn’t why I’ve been ignoring your calls. I text you back like...every third time you call anyways so technically I haven’t even been ignoring you, you’re just being a drama queen. And he isn’t a weasel Sarge.” she levels her smoke at her boyfriend. No one got to needle Tommy except her. 

          did steve deserve to be with someone?  absolutely.  it would get get bucky a little more me time by being able to pass the torch to another person for a while.  at the same time there was the consideration that the other soldier didn’t do one night stands very well.  living the life that they did hadn’t changed that.  so, assuming this wasn’t any different the worry would then become what to do with that racer if he started to hang around more.  kelly was right, cheating was damn near impossible considering the rules to race wars was pretty open to begin with.  that meant he knew his vehicles and he knew how to make them fast.  the crew could use that edge on jobs, nevermind the fun aspect.  bringing someone in to that, however, wasn’t all that easy.  

         as bucky pulls away, watching the dust cloud behind them, there’s a brief detour taken by sharon’s rv so he can nod an indicator that they were leaving.  his own car was parked in the shade close by, protected by the watchful eyes of the friends he’d made since arriving in los angeles all those years ago.

         past the winding road and the checkpoints that led back to the highway was a giant stretch of nothing.  boots press down on the pedal, letting the feel of the car guide him as opposed to whatever a white sign was telling him to do.  “ what if it’s a plant? “   his right hand closed across the arm rest to land on kelly’s thigh.  fingers tuck themselves between flesh and fabric but his eyes stay on the road.  “ i know how it sounds, kel.  don’t call me paranoid.  the timing’s just…i dunno, “  dark eyes glance in the rearview mirror, noticing in the last few seconds a white hood popped up behind them.  “ we can bring him in to have fun at the garage, sure.  but how do we know we can bring him in for anything else.  first, kick all our asses. then, he gets us into a brawl.  now, steve’s gone. “  

         out loud it sounded a lot more paranoid than it had in his head but bucky’s primary focus was always protecting the rest of the crew.  no matter the job, no matter the anything.  family first.

          but, before he can continue the thought there’s the telltale flashing lights behind him.  the soldier considers, briefly, just punching it.  might ruin their night, though.  so, he pulls over and watches as the corvette pulls in behind him.  unmarked vehicle.  interesting.  at least, until he sees the body that’s walking their way.  “ god damnit. “  bucky reluctantly lifts his fingers away from his girlfriend’s thigh so he can pull the gun from beneath his own.  his window rolls down and in a fluid motion he has the gun pointing out of it.

          “ last i checked, this is still chippie jurisdiction, oliver. “ 

           aviators pull down and the officer in the window looks a little more shocked than bucky was expecting.  “ wait, why the hell are you in the driver’s seat? “  also not the reaction bucky was expecting.

Her hand moves, absently playing with the chain where his dog tags and the ring he had given her was sitting, letting his worry wash over her, letting herself consider it. She hated that he still might think she would find his legitimate worry as dismissive paranoia  

“I wasn’t gonna call you paranoid Sarge.” she says quietly, she really hadn’t been. Steve led their little band of pirates, but the two of them watched every other angle. The downfall of being snipers, of spending years in the military as part of a duo that followed a dumbass; They were always looking for threats. “It’s not a totally out there thought at all. We’ve started bringing down lots of heat because of the past few runs.” she agrees with him

It’s not crazy but she also isn’t ready to believe that’s exactly what it is. “I’ll run some contacts down once we get back from the club and then in the morning too. He was telling some of Hectors guys he had raced in Tokyo. Han will know him. But we should also be willing to consider that Steve is finally loosing up on his no one night stand policy and the guy is just good.”

Whatever she’s about to say is cut off by blue lights and a siren and she groans. God Kelly is hoping this isn’t who she thinks it is. They weren’t even speeding for them, most of the highway cops didn’t even bother. Her hand slides around her back, nimble fingers tucking the Smith and Wesson under her thighs. She sees the flash of Bucky’s glock and then her’s the officers voice.

She might actually let Bucky shoot him, just for this.  

“Are you kidding me Thomas James?!” she all but yells, looking indignantly at her twin brother outside the driver side window of her car. “You can’t come run me down like I’ve disappeared off to Jason’s house without telling you when I don’t answer your phone calls. We’re not 16 anymore!” she’s seething with rage, her chest heaving as her brain realizes her boyfriend is pointing a gun at her twin brother. She’s about to explain when she remembers his earlier words

  “ last i checked, this is still chippie jurisdiction, oliver. “

          he’d made a nest of sorts in one of the back corners of the room, one where he could see all the traffic coming in and out that one door.  he doesn’t like being in a new place with so many new people, especially when thoughts keep getting crossed with old habits.  you don’t have a handler anymore, bucky keeps telling him.  most days that is a relief.  other days it has him feeling confused and lost.

          the pieces that had been coming back in that helicarrier hadn’t gotten any more clear.  a stranger directing him towards the smithsonian museum didn’t help.  his face was plastered everywhere with a name he didn’t recognize; a name that had his chest feeling weird and the flutters making his chest tight.

          steve rogers, they called him.  everyone called him steve.  he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been called on by any proper noun so the dots were hard to connect.  life was a series of doing what he was told, training, and….darkness.  chunks were missing, that much he could grasp.  memories cut short or pieced together in a way that didn’t make sense.  bucky spewing words about the forties and all the things they allegedly did together?  the face was there, plain as day.  it’s what made him run in the first place but that didn’t mean he understood why.  instinct made him do it.  a voice, deep down, telling him something wasn’t right.

            he’d been trying to understand why he saved him in the river when they swooped in and brought him here.  hours were spent pacing his small little corner of the room, like a caged animal.  the voice attached to the woman was familiar.  he could recognize it passing by the door every now and then.  the throwing knife in his hand was for fidgeting only ( currently, anyway ).  conflicting internal orders led him to be stationary because, again, he had to keep reminding himself there wasn’t such a thing as a handler anymore.  this was one of those moments he wished that weren’t true.

          “ i’m not who they think i am, “ one step brings him closer to the table but still well out of arm’s reach of anything  on it.  the words sound gruff, like he’d been sleeping entirely too long and his vocal chords weren’t used to the vibrations.  “ might look it.  but i….he’s not in here anymore. “

“Kind of why I told Cap to take the night off.” she says quietly, watching him as he stands out of reach of the table where she sits, eyes watching him. “I love him and Tony, but Bucks identity issues are about picking up that frisbee after your supposed death. He doesn’t know what it’s like to....have old versions of you be dead.” she picks up the glass bottle of soda and takes a sip, wondering through the things she could say for what would be best to say to him. “The upside for you is the only thing I know about the guy they expect you to be is that trying to replicate the serum you were given is how I got super powers.” 

She had hated him in a burning kind of way when she had been young. Blaming him for what was happening to them was...easier. It was always easy to focus her anger on people. Steve Rogers was dead and because of it Kelly and Tommy were experimented on and tortured. Seeing him now, knowing what had happened to him, just made it seem incredibly unfair that she had ever hated him. 

Since Bucky and Tony had brought Steve Rogers back to the tower almost a month ago, Captain America had been taking him each of his meals, sitting with him and talking about who knows what. Rogers had come out of his room a few times, interacting with the others in an attempt to get him more used to the people who lived there. And from her understanding there had been more than a few therapists involved too. But even Bucky Barnes needed a break, needed a night to process and take in what fate had befallen his best friend. 

She knocks twice to let him know that she’s coming in before opening the door slowly, stepping through it at the same measured pace and making sure he can see her hands. She’s pretty sure there isn’t anything Steve Rogers can do that she can’t stop if he gets spooked, but that doesn’t mean she’s willing to take the chance. “I brought dinner. Cap’s getting some kip.” she explains, setting the tray down on the two person table at one side of his large suite, setting the tray off to the side and arraigning the mirroring plates of food, silverware and drinks across from each other.

          as tempting as it is to sigh again, bucky rolls his eyes.  “ stop, “ he says in a tone that would only be considered playful if you knew what his personality had become after the army.  dirt crunches beneath his feet.  he can feel rocks of various sides digging up into the sole of his boot but he navigates all of it the best he can while walking backwards.  the last time he looks to see the green mazda, the soldier adjust his angle a little to make sure he bumps into it.  “ why do we need someone like that on our team when we have me?  he probably cheated us all out of our money somehow.  plus, he dragged steve into a fight.  watch, i’ll get a call at three in the morning from steve saying he can’t find his wallet or his car, “ an eyebrows raises.  there are plenty of times when kelly biting down on her lower lip would invite him in but, her eyes.  it’s the telltale look of memories and far off places.

         in the blink of an eye it’s gone.  almost as if you didn’t know what to look for you’d completely miss it.  bucky does his best to assess the rest of her face to see if the smile is genuine or a cover up.  could be both.  no point in asking quite yet, though.  so, instead, he focuses in on the bit about morning.  every now and then he heard her say it; wait until morning.  almost like the concept of morning light washing away the previous day.  a pretty, romantic notion that he knew deep down wouldn’t change anything.  morning never helped when he was stranded behind enemy lines wishing for mercy.  in fact, morning was the worst of it since everyone was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  he wouldn’t tell her that, though.  he wouldn’t tell anyone that.

         “ i don’t growl at the drinks.  free drinks are free drinks.  i growl because idiots then assume you owe them something because they bought you something, which makes it very much not a free drink.  it makes them an asshole who can’t accept rejection.  you took a risk, no reward, move on. “  okay, so maybe he’d started to get pre-emptively growly.  people showed time and time again they were going to play the same games so why not save himself a percentage of the headache.

        frustration melts away then their lips meet.  bucky realizes his shoulders had been getting tense.  his free digits had been curling into a tighter and tighter fist until kelly leaned up against the passenger side of the car and pulled him in.  for a fre seconds he’s free.  in the background is the white noise of spinning tires and roaring engines.  a bubble of safety helps him believe the world is just the two of them.  before he can reel it back, he finds himself pulling their hips together.  his breath stolen.  gasping.  foreheads press together and bucky rubs the tip of his nose along her cheek.  “ love you, too, doll, “ the door clicks open only to be gently slammed once she’s tucked inside.  seconds later he’s in the driver’s seat, pulling out the glock tucked beneath and shoving it beneath his leg for easy access.  just in case.

Her lips go to open, about to counter how the cheating thing probably isn’t possible when her brain catches up to the rest of his sentence. Doe brown eyes widen to size of saucer plates and a giddy little giggle slips past her Cheshire face. “Wait wait wait. The damsel that our dear Captain went about rescuing, the one he went home with...is probably getting his dick wet with tonight is the guy that kicked your ass?” She shouldn’t be laughing, she’s a terrible girlfriend for the little giggle that follows the first one out. This one goes down in the history books though of Steve Rogers being a total fucking punk though.

She loved that blonde bastard. 

“Mind the fact that it’s like, nearly impossible to cheat and not be noticed, having the two of you working on our cars together and racing the streets together we’d be truly, truly unstoppable. And Steve will be less stressed which means you’re less stressed, if he’s getting laid.” She lays it out the way she lays out their job strategies, methodical and simple. No fuss no muss, just the facts. 

One of these days she’d talk about it. She’d tell him the story of twins thrown around a foster system, of shitty adopt parents they joined the Marines to get away from. Of the way war changed them both into different things. Of feeding different wolves and the way twins are not always mirrors. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Jamie with it. She trusted him with more than her life. But it was....people had a hard time understanding how two people who were so close could be so far away. How she could act like she and her twin didn’t live in the same fucking city, only a few city blocks away from each other. 

“Yeah uh hu Sarge, whatever you say.” she makes sure to imitate the New York accent that sometimes slipped from him and Steve. Kelly Ann is so fond of this man, of the way she can already see he’s going to be extra growly tonight, the little thrill that shoots through her belly at it. “It has nothing to do with the way guys seem to stare at your doll, nothing at all.” 

The amount of bar fights on her behalf he had dragged Steve into said otherwise.