extant

Maybe I did that too often. Maybe all the times I brought you things - silly boxers, unusual chocolate bars, little toys, interesting tools - were apologies for not being better for you. For not being present, for not knowing how to talk to you, for not knowing how to make you feel safe enough to talk about uncomfortable things.

So I cooked you dinner, gave you soft sheets and big fluffy towels, little pots of cream for your rough hands and elbows. I took you out shopping for work pants and aspirational futures. I found you delicious drinks, warm socks, fancy little soaps. And you made me snacks and brought me tea, made phone orders so I wouldn't have to talk to strangers, picked up pie at nine o'clock on a Tuesday night.

Because I forgot to manage my face

Should I be honest, and tell you that my heart is

A howling ghost

Should I tell you how I stumbled into my head

And what I found there was a yawning chasm

That felt so cold and so terrible and

So utterly irresistible

That I plunged into its black and fetid water

Where it silently witnessed everything I've failed to be

And all the ways I didn't love enough

All the ways it was the only home I'd know

As I watch your brow furrow

And your weight shift

Because you were sincere when you asked

But you were hoping I'd reassure you

When you're fat, people can see your body and they assume they know a thing or two about you. They see you, and they see "sedentary lifestyle", "fast food", "greedy", "slow". They figure you're just too lazy to exercise, or like eating too much, or you get deviant pleasure from gluttony, and if you just put in the effort and put the spoon down, you would lose the weight and stop driving up the cost of healthcare and squishing the guy in the seat next to you. People in the grocery store, your gynecologist during your pap smear, your boss, your friend's dad, your aunt at Thanksgiving, people who see your picture online, they all give you the same unsolicited advice - advice they might even clarify is especially for "people like you": move more, eat better, try low carb or paleo or meal replacement shakes or in any case do you really think buying that bacon is a good idea? You have a pretty face, if you lost a little weight you'd be a knockout.

Your doctor will listen to how you feel tired and your muscles feel weak and your skin is dry, and when you finish jabbering about your sad life, they'll tell you you probably have obstructive sleep apnea (because obesity), even though the last two times you felt like this it was a vitamin D deficiency and underactive thyroid, and a vitamin D supplement, going out in the sun more, and adjusting your thyroid medicine made you feel much better. And probably the untreated depression along with poorly managed ADHD were contributing factors and still make you feel pretty rotten, but since nobody asked how you're doing, you're afraid bringing it up will make them think you're making excuses. Because those things are probably actually somehow because of the fat, amIright? Lose the weight and you'll feel so much better. You won't need these medications as crutches anymore. The bigger your body, the more suspect your pain. The more you depart from a preferred body shape, the greater the likelihood of being treated with disdain. Small fat and hourglass proportions beat infinifat without the boobs and hips. Disabled? Clearly your own fault.

But back to that pretty face of yours: if you're not the near-criminal obstacle to the financial wellbeing of society, you're either invisible or consumable. Either you're everyone's crying shoulder and problem solver, but otherwise essentially a piece of useful furniture, or you're too fat for prime time, doll, but boy do you get hit up. What starts as a brief exchange about something you wrote online becomes friendly banter about life stuff, and you think, how nice! Except the topic about which you were writing was ...gender politics, polyamory, LGBTQ+, body politics, even working out at the gym...and so the friendly exchange becomes the preamble to a proposition. That happens to every gal of any shape, of course, and to plenty of gents too, I imagine. The narrative is different when you're fat, though. Girls like you are hungry for it, right? Desperate. You big girls know how to please, eh? You won't say no, because you know you're lucky to be here, lucky for the attention. You've got some experience, but your tits are still great, I bet. A freak in the sheets, am I right? Sure you are, hon. That red hair...

You'll be utterly unsurprised, but disappointed nonetheless, when he sends unsolicited portraits of his unkempt genitals, hastily shot with his phone in what appears to be the restroom at his workplace, or at home with a rumpled towel on the floor and a bottle of Frozen-themed shampoo on the rim of the tub. Send nudes! No?! Fat b*tch.

You were asking for it, obviously, writing about stuff like that. What gave you the idea that your ideas were of any interest without something to sweeten the deal?

So what am I saying, then? What are you supposed to do with this? I'm saying that fatness is not a straightforward situation. When you see someone who is fat, all you know about them is that they wear a different size than you do and have very likely been treated poorly by people who don't understand that fatness is not a character flaw. You don't know why they aren't thinner, you don't know what they eat or do or think, you don't know whether they have health problems, how physically capable they are, or whether they're getting more sex than you. You need to stop yourself from making moral judgments - the information you have about fatness is inaccurate. You should not offer advice to fat people at the grocery store. You should treat fat people with the same kindness and respect that you would want for yourself.

Wait, it's calories in vs calories out! They're eating more than they're exercising! It's so obvious! Why are you fat chicks always defending fatness when you know it's bad?

Well, here's the thing: if sustained weight loss was simple, there would not be so many fat people. The fact is, the vast majority (80-95%, depending on the length of time being reviewed) of people who lost significant weight have regained not only the weight they lost, but more besides. Our bodies are complex, and the areas of nutrition, immunity, inflammation, gut health, and metabolism are all poorly understood. What that means is that fat people must put tremendous energy and focus into losing weight, and must develop the ability to consistently ignore the fundamental survival signals that their bodies send. They must do this on top of overcoming their emotional trauma, long hours of sedentary work, pain, underlying health conditions, lack of access to good information and support systems to take care of themselves and their mental health, and while they're doing that, they still must endure the abuse and disdain of rude people and neglect from doctors.

Please stop reminding me of college, all the things I learned about the ways not to interact with people, the ways not to matter, the ways to leave things unfinished and let them float away from my open hands.

Please stop reminding me of the stories where I might be happy.

Please stop reminding me of the stories where I didn't get it.

Please stop reminding me of the stories where I'm not who I thought I was.

-Blythe Baird

When I'm nothing but disappointment and awkwardness, feeling useless and used, taken for granted, plain, and lost, I know that I am still lucky beyond measure.