Master list, Mood Board, Playlist
Slow burn Steve Rogers x Ex Hydra Superpowered F!Reader story.
This chapter includes: trauma, suicidal ideation (reader), anxiety, depression, PTSD, violence, torture, mentions of weapons, mentions of addiction (nicotine), panic attack, poor body image, scars, crying, mental breakdown, kissing, talks of therapy, and a little bit of yelling/arguing?
Summary: You have been happily dating Steve for a while, but you've been stuck in your head all day and Steve finding out a secret of yours pushes you over the edge, forcing you to confront what's really "wrong" with you.
The next morning when you woke up to Steve's arms around you, it had felt like nothing short of a fairytale.
And it had been that way ever since. The two of you hung out at each other's apartments, went out for coffee together, sat in silence side by side while you worked.
Despite the fear dating your “coworker" had brought on, when Steve asked you to be his girlfriend, it was a no brainer.
You guys didn’t outwrite tell the team you were dating, but you didn’t try to hide it either. You kept it professional when you needed to, of course, which was mutually understood.
But that didn’t stop them from noticing everything.
You and Steve washing the dishes and cleaning up after dinner with the team.
The sight of you two walking into each other apartments at all hours of the day.
And of course the sitting way too close to be friends during movie nights.
Eventually after some teasing from Wanda and Natasha, you did end up spilling all of the gossip to them.
You three had been out for a run one morning, stopping at a grocery store on the way home for an energy drink, the cool air-conditioner hit your shoulders as you grabbed a drink off the shelf, listening to them giggle in your ear as they pressed you all the way to the checkout line.
You were used to the stares of civilians due to your appearance and physique, so when you noticed you brushed it off, focusing on detailing the story to the girls.
Then of course Steve had been asking Sam and Bucky for advice about the entire situation so they already knew.
Then of course since those four knew, so did everyone else, word got passed around good-naturedly.
Everything had been going perfectly, you were so in love.
You go to spend each night with the gentlemen of your dreams.
He had strong arms that made you feel safe and feminine for the first time in your life, despite the fact that you had beated him in fights many times before.
just his presence calmed and relaxed you.
He made you feel seen and beautiful, despite all of the flaws you thought you had and tried to hide.
You were conventionally attractive, it wasn't hard to see, but that still didn't stop the doubts in your head.
You felt those doubts suddenly hit you when you were out shooting with Natasha one morning.
Nothing happened in particular to make you feel that way, it just happened you.
You were so much bigger than her.
And yeah, it was important. It made you strong and kept you safe. It was impressive, honestly.
So why did you feel so…disgusting?
You were probably one of the most in shape people on the entire planet, you reminded yourself, trying to shake the feelings from your head as the two of you walked outside to the edge of the outdoor training center.
The Compound had everything you guys could ever need, indoor and outdoor training equipment the size of football fields, mental health services of every kind from animal therapy to art to gardening and meditation. You guys even had food delivered to the building and state of the art safety.
You reminded yourself of that fortune as you and Natasha walked past the sauna and red light therapy room on the way to the ice bath.
You found yourself wondering why you were doing this.
Why were you even helping people when the world was never going to change or get better?
There was always going to be bad people.
“Y/N?” Natasha said looking at you expectantly
“Sorry, what?” You asked, pulling yourself out of your thoughts.
You guys had reached the ice bath and you hadn't even noticed.
“I said help me take the cover off,” she repeated and you nodded
Each of you grabbed a side and you took off your cover ups, leaving just the bikinis as the two of you psyched yourself up to get into the freezing bath.
You were only just having those thoughts because you were being dramatic you told yourself.
You do this job because someone has to.
You owe it to the world after all you've done.
“Oh come on, just get in” Natasha teased you, thinking your lack of movement was from fear of the cold.
Her lower half was already submerged and you hadn’t even stepped up.
You gave her a laugh and started climbing in, the frozen feeling covering your feet before you quickly full sent it.
You stayed submerged for 5 seconds.
Why am I still doing this?
You told yourself that you were just referring to the ice bath.
You brought yourself to the surface of the water, looking to Natasha and laughing
The shock of the cold had been a good enough distraction for now.
The two of you giggled before you realized Clint was also outside.
He had been shooting at the custom moving target arrow range on the far side of the yard.
The two of you started heckling and joking at him, earning a few remarks and chuckles before he pretended he couldn't hear you.
You started to give up and move to get out of the ice bath when Tony came out on the balcony, looking around to find where all the noise was coming form.
“Can I please just get some peace and quiet?” Tony yelled dramatically.
“Alright alright Stark, I’ll be quiet,” Natasha smirked, putting on her shoes.
You were laughing hard, “and ill be peace” you joked, causing Nat to start snickering.
Tony rolled his eyes, fighting a smile, and walked back inside
You slid on your flipflops, shivering as you threw a big t-shirt over your bikini and ran inside. You got to your room and wanted to take a shower after your workout and time in the range. You and Nat took a lot longer than usual so you didn’t pass be Steve at all this morning
You had some work to get done later and a lunch with Peter and Aunt May scheduled.
A small part of you had been nervous.
You grabbed your clothes and stepped into the bathroom, turning on the water as you stepped in.
You didn't bother waiting for the water to turn warm.
You never had hot water in HYDRA.
You felt your hair get fully saturated with water and all of the sweat from this morning washed off.
But you were alone with your thoughts and that was never good.
You had been okay laughing with Natasha and Clint, but now they were gone.
You opened your eyes under the stream of the shower head, glancing out at the bathroom through the shower door.
You felt yourself start to dissosiate.
You were stuck tethered to this job, this cycle of getting hurt over and over, trying to save people when it wasnt even a guarantee.
You sighed, sitting down on the shower floor.
It felt like too much energy to stand.
You sat there for a few minutes, enjoying the peace and quiet.
It might be weird, but you felt like the shower was the only please you could fully relax other than at night, though even then nightmares kept you on edge.
No one would bother you here, no one could judge you or ask why you weren't doing something useful.
Eventually you got up and started scrubbing any sweat or dirt off.
You tried to ignore the little grooves and scars on your skin.
Especially the one on your back.
You turned the water off.
You got out of the shower and just stood there looking into the mirror.
You ignored how the mass of wet hair stuck and dripping water all over your back and neck was bothering you.
You didn’t have the energy to move it.
This is what you turned into?
This woman in the mirror?
You turned to grab your towel only to catch a glimps of it in the mirror.
That scar on your upper back.
One of many that haunted you constantly.
It was about the size of apple, a chunk of flesh removed, replaced with only a thin layer of scar tissue and skin over the visible muscle.
It disgusted you, but you stayed looking at it.
When you were 12, HYDRA had begun their pain tolerance training.
It was basically pure torture in the name of improving your stats and capabilities.
This scar was the result of a crowbar.
The program had worked though and pain was just a small feeling now.
You eyes lingered to the rest of them.
A scar from when a bomb exploded in Afghanistan, cutting you all over from debris.
Another few from getting stabbed.
Then the one on your face, a thick skin colored line down your cheek.
You couldn't stand it, often using scar filler on it and makeup just to go about your average day.
You tried not to think about where you got that one.
You just felt gross and mutilated. How could Steve, the golden boy of the world, fall in love with someone like this?
You had to pull yourself together.
You felt fine yesterday, so you weren't sure what your problem was.
You grabbed the towel, wrapping it around yourself and then using another towel to wrap up your hair.
You made yourself some hot mint tea and decided to go stand out on your balcony to calm down.
This side of the Compound was very secluded and secure since it was your living quarters. Your only neighbors were girls since the boys lived on the other side of the hall.
You leaned against the railing, listening to the birds chirp and feeling the breeze.
You imagined the birds were seagulls.
You thought about how you wanted to live at the beach someday. You had fallen in love with it when you visited once in California 6 years ago.
But you couldn't now, the Avengers needed you.
Especially now more than ever. You heard that Thor has been having trouble with some Purple Guy, so if Thor was having trouble, that meant he was a problem.
You heard a soft tap on the sliding door behind you and turned around.
A warm feeling filled your chest.
You smiled at him as he stepped out onto the balcony with you.
“What are you doing out here, doll?” He said, snaking his hand around your waist, feeling the dampness of the towel.
“Just thinking,” you gave a small smile, your hand holding his forearm around your waist.
He knitted his eyebrows a little, “That's never good," he joked.
You laughed of course, he always made you laugh.
“Oh whatever” you giggled and tilted your head, “Give me a kiss”
And of course he gave you one. And then a few more.
You smiled at him before heading turning and opening the sliding door, the cold air and tile hitting your feet as the two of you walked inside.
You went to your room and changed, grabbing your bag before walking with Steve to his office.
Steve opened the door and you sat down at the other side of his desk. You got out your laptop, planner, and notebook, beginning to finish up a mission report, schedule meetings, and write down prep for the next mission.
You couldn't focus much though.
You tried not to show it, resorting to staring blankly at the screen so Steve wouldn't ask questions.
You were viewing the news as of late.
Apparently the President was sending troops to Iraq and Afghanistan, you zoned out, looking at the pictures.
You started have that nervous feeling again, like you needed air.
You flipped through the photos in the article, chewing your lip and cheek.
“What are you looking at?” Steve asked looking up from his papers, you could tell he knew something was bothering you.
"Hm? Oh, nothing” You mumbled.
Steve gave a knowing smile, “What's nothing?”
You shrugged, “Just the news.”
He nodded, his eyes lingering on you.
You looked back to your computer but heard him sigh a little.
“You sure you're okay? You've been quiet all day, hon” his voice was patient, genuine.
You nodded, not missing a beat, “Just- busy I guess.”
Please just drop you thought please
Your face and body felt like it was burning with frustration.
You didn't know why you were so angry, but you couldn't calm down.
You hadn't felt calm all day to be fair.
Steve nodded, “I'm just checking. You know you can always talk to me, right?”
You understood why he said that, but you wish he hadn't.
You smiled, “Yes baby, I know” you said, keeping your voice as gentle as you could.
You closed your computer, putting your things away before getting up and walking to his side of the desk.
“I actually just finished up everything, I'm going to lunch with Peter and May, alright?” you tilted your head and he nodded
“Alright, tell them I said Hi, have fun.” He patted your hip and tilted his head up. You leaned down and gave him a goodbye kiss before heading out
“See you later!” you yelled as you walked out.
__________________________
You walked down to your car and put your stuff in, starting up the engine and driving about half an hour to Peter and May’s apartment.
You knocked and were immediately met by the biggest hug from May.
She called for peter and he came right out, sliding on the hardwood floor with his socks and smiling big when he saw you.
You guys chatted for a long while before heading out to a diner in the square that you all loved.
You had a good time, you felt like you could really relax and breath, being surrounded by nothing but the memory of good times.
You were sat across from May in the booth and next to Peter, catching up and filling them in on everything you have been working on (and spilling to them about how you and Cap were dating).
But your mind inevitably drifted, you hadn't been able to shake it all day.
You missed your aunt. You missed the good times you had with Peter before. You loved you life now, but you couldn't help but think about how your life had been so simple for the first and last time.
The three of you finished up eating and walked back up to their apartment.
You all played a few boardgames and showed each other pictures you'd taken recently before it was time to go.
You pulled up to the Compound and put your stuff in your room before heading down to the kitchen to helping Wanda make dinner.
When you guys were ready people started trickling in, you made sure to let them know of how Peter was doing.
You got up from the dining table and went to the kitchen, starting to wash your dishes in the sink when Steve came in right behind you to do the same.
“How old is Peter now?” He asked as he grabbed a rag.
“He is about to turn 18, got 3 months left,” you answered, drying up your cup and putting it in the cabinet.
“Oh yeah? Is he excited then?”
You smiled and nodded, slipping your hand in the back pocket of Steve jeans, waiting for him to be done.
Steve smiled, "good”, he put his dishes away and turned to you, crossing his arms, “I'm glad.”
The two of you ended up stepping away from the others, heading back to your apartment.
You took off your makeup and brushed your teeth in the bathroom while Steve showered next to you.
When you were done you left him be and sat in your bedroom, changing into your sleep clothes and calling your friend Teresa on the phone.
Meanwhile, Steve had turned off of the water in the bathroom, stepping out of the shower and drying off.
He had moved to brush his teeth but realized he didn't have any toothpaste. He opened up one of your cabinets and searched around for where he knew you kept your extra.
But his hand bumped something.
It was a paper of some kind, a folder.
Why did you have a folder in your bathroom?
He didn’t mean to snoop, he went to move it out of the way since it was in front of your extra toothpaste, but when he saw the cover of the folder, his heart dropped.
Employee Mental Health Aid
Steve flipped open the folder, brochures for all of the different mental health services that S.H.E.I.L.D offered and some random ones you had added in no doubtedly from Sam at the VA.
But none of that broke his heart like the next thing he saw.
Steve had flipped through more of the papers, eyes landing on one of the forms you had filled out.
A paged entitled "Mental Health Assessment - Patient Survey."
The options were Never, Rarely, Sometimes, Often, and Always
His eyes scanned every single column and every single question you answered.
Have you experienced any major life changes or stressors recently? - Yes
I am currently taking medicines for mental health issues. - No
Have you had or currently have any addiction(s)? If so, please list. - Yes, Nicotine.
I have been in active combat or a life and death situation. - Yes
I have seen another human being die. - Yes
I have experienced prolonged or persistent periods of physical or emotional stress. - Yes
I have meta-human abilities. - Yes
I gained my meta-human abilities as a result of unwanted or painful experimentation. - No
How often do you feel overwhelmed or stressed? - Sometimes
How often do you feel sad or depressed? - Often
How often do you feel irritable or angry? - Often
I find it difficult to relate to my peers. - Often
I am happy with myself and my appearance. - Sometimes
How frequently do you have trouble sleeping? - Always
I experience disturbing or unwanted memories of the stressful experience. - Often
I feel very upset when something reminds me of this event. - Always
I have a strong physical reaction when something reminds me of this event. - Often
I have strong negative beliefs about myself, other people, or the world? - Always
I feel distant or cut off from other people. - Rarely
I have trouble experiencing positive feelings (for example, being unable to feel happiness for things you used to enjoy)? - Often
I experience irritable behavior, angry outbursts, or acting aggressively. - Sometimes
I feel alone in my struggle. - Often
I have trouble with my daily tasks. - Sometimes
I feel like I can’t go on. - Often
Steve felt his heart drop to his stomach.
You had been feeling like this the whole time? And he had no idea?
He should have known, after everything you have been through.
But what do you mean you felt like you couldn't go on?
He couldn't imagine a life without you.
He felt his eyes begin to burn, scanning the questions and answers over and over again before he forced himself to put it back.
You had been feeling so alone, so depressed and angry this whole time?
He knew that S.H.E.I.L.D put you through a few months of therapy when you first got here, but thinking about it now it was stupid to think a few months could even begin fix all of your pain.
He heard you laugh through the bathroom door.
His doll, his baby. He didn't know what he'd do if something happened to you.
Steve had to pull himself together, should he say something to you?
No, not tonight, it was getting late and you seemed to be in a good mood. He'd find a way to mention it tomorrow.
For now, he'd just be there for you. Remind you he cared for you no matter what and see if he could get you to open up a little.
Steve took a breath, putting on some grey sweatpants and opened the bathroom door. He leaned on the frame, looking to were you sat on the bed and admired you.
You where sitting on the edge of the bed in front of the large mirror you had next to it, chatting with your friend, "I know! I saw that to- yeah," you were laughing but when you noticed Steve behind you in the mirror you smiled bigger, "Hey I'm sorry Teresa, I got to go, Bye - yeah, love you."
How could this be the same girl who filled out that questionnaire?
You seemed on top of the world in comparison to earlier.
You felt like it to, it was weird.
You smiled at him, watching him in the mirror behind you walk closer.
"Thought my birthday was over," you joked flirtatiously at his shirtless appearance.
Steve chuckled, "After the trouble you got into? I'm glad it is." He joked quietly and walked over, sitting slightly behind you on the bed and wrapped his arms around your waist.
You leaned back and laid your head against him. He wouldn't have seen you close your eyes if you both weren't sitting in front of that mirror.
He placed a kiss to your neck and collarbone, which you returned with a kiss on the cheek.
Even as the months went by, you two never lost that desire for one another.
He moved to kiss you on the mouth, a gentle on you returned.
It was sweet, but of course you had to feel his abs.
You ran a hand over them gently and you felt him smile into the kiss. Man, that was hot.
He cheekily returned the favor, tracing his hand over your own abs before sliding to you back, hands traveling higher and higher up your back.
You felt his finger tips graze that unnatural groove in your back.
Your emotions were already high and the fact that someone else had touched it?
Well you couldn't breath.
You pulled away from him quickly and suddenly you weren't even in the same room anymore.
You were in a dark room at HYDRA, back and limbs throbbing in pain as your 12 year old self pleaded they stop hurting you.
"Y/n? What's wrong doll?" Steve asked gently, and he knew he was about to see part of the reason you filled out that paper.
He had never seen this look on your face, it was a mixture of fear and anger and pure discomfort.
You stared for another moment before a look of confusion hit your face delayed.
"What the f*ck did you just say to me?" You shot. You didn't sound like you, it felt like you were repeating someone else's words. Maybe words that were said to you, or words that had been a part of you before you met the Avengers.
Before he could figure out how to respond to that, you caught yourself.
"I'm sorry," you mouth was open for a second before you swallowed to calm yourself and clenched your jaw, "What'd you say?"
"I asked if you were okay," Steve answered, he was trying to read your body language and eyes, but he was getting so many mixed signals.
"I'm fine" Your eyebrows were knitted and you seemed almost offended he would ask you that, like you didn't know what you just did a moment earlier.
Steve knew he had to tell you. "It's okay if you're not. I...saw your paper in the bathroom cabinet." He saw your face process what he said and made sure to keep his voice calm, "I want to help you...I just need you to talk to me doll."
You were panicking now. He saw that paper? He saw what you wrote down? About how you wanted to die? About how you hated yourself? This was a nightmare.
Your breathing started to pick up and your eyes were a little blown.
You have to leave. Have to leave before he does. Or do something. You weren't sure what.
You stood up quickly from the bed, hands running over your hair as you walked out of the room.
This was not happening. Steve and you were perfect and you wanted to keep it that way. Not ruin it with the part of your life you couldn't shake.
Your head was pounding with thoughts but you still heard Steve get up and follow you. You filled up a glass of water and took a drink.
Your throat felt like it could be burning.
You turned and saw Steve. The look on his face told you that you were probably crying now but hadn't noticed.
"Just....I- Just go Steve," You felt so defeated and went to gesture with your hand, your mind was so distracted that you forgot about needing to set a glass cup down gently.
You accidentally smacked it against the table, causing it to break into a few chunks and water to spill onto the table.
That combined with Steves growingly distressed expression and silence only made you freak out more.
You pressed your back to the refrigerator. What else could you do?
But Steve had walked over to you, noticeably cautious in a way that made you embarrassed.
"Hey, no I'm not going to leave you, sweetheart." He had gotten closer to you now, hands hovering over your arms and waist.
At some point your hands had reached under your own shirt, seemingly feeling your torso for whatever reason.
You had opened your mouth to talk but only the words, "It's...I just- you don't," came out.
Steve would be scared of you from now on. If by some miracle he still wanted to try to be with you after this, he would surely feel like he was walking on glass around you.
Then as a result of this failed relationship, the other Avengers would pick him over you.
And you would have no one.
You would just have to kill yourself
By now your eyes had drifted to the side and were now zoned out on the knife block beside you.
Steve knew exactly what you were thinking and moved to the side slightly, covering your view.
You were still crying and shaking bad by now, taking uneven and concerning breaths.
Steve gently and carefully moved his hands to grab yours, realizing you had been scratching at yourself this whole time. He held your hands in his own.
"Your okay, I promise, everything's fine, I'm here," his voice stayed gentle like it always what with you. "Can you take a breath for me, doll?" Steve took a breath, making it obvious for you to see.
You were still freaking out but you tried to listen, taking a shaky breath of your own.
"See? You got it, let's do one more," Steve breathed with you a few more times, slowly and gradually pulling you to his chest to rub your back.
After a few minutes and some slow regulated breaths later, he spoke up again, "Okay to go sit on the couch?"
You nodded and he made sure to keep you just a little bit in front of him so he could see you.
The two of you sat down together and he tucked you under his arm and your legs across his.
You calmed down to a normal level now but where still very much crying, but you were very clearly trying to stop.
"Can you try to tell me what's wrong?" He asked, wiping a few tears from you cheek before realizing what he said might be a bit too broad of a question, "Did you not want me to know?" He asked again.
You nodded your head, "It's just- I didn't want you to think of me and different," you paused, "I wanted to keep my problems away from- from us." You said a little quiet.
Steve smiled a little, "You know I have my own struggles too, I know you would never judge me for those right?" He asked and you nodded.
"And," he continued, "I want everything that comes with you. The good and the not so good. Especially if you are having thoughts like that because your my best girl. And I need you. All of you."
"I'm so tired," you admitted, "This is so hard," you choked out, laughing a touch and crying a litte.
Steve smiled at you, "I know honey, but it will get better I promise you. We'll find someone to help you tomorrow, okay doll?"
You nodded and snuggled deeper into him, "Thank you, Steve."
He hummed and wrapped his arms around you more securely,
