𝐃𝐎𝐍'𝐓 𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐆𝐎 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐊…

#STRONGENOUGH - an independent, private, and selective roleplay blog for MILES MORALES of INSOMNIAC’S SPIDER-MAN. est. oct. 2018. rev. apr. 2021. by sarah. ©

You’re wrong about us being on different paths, we’re not on different paths.

STILL HURTING.

‘ ____ is over and ____ is gone. ‘

‘ ____’s decided it’s time to move on. ’ ‘ ____ has new dreams he’s/she’s building upon. ‘ ‘ ____’s convinced that the problems are mine. ‘ ‘ ____ is probably feeling just fine and I’m still hurting. ‘ ‘ What about lies, ____? What about things that you swore to be true? ‘ ‘ What about you, ____? ‘ ’ ____ is sure something wonderful died. ‘ ‘ ____ decided it’s his/her right to decide. ‘ ‘ ____’s got secrets he/she doesn’t confide. ‘ ‘ I’m still hurting. ‘ ‘ Run away, run and find something better. ‘ ‘ Run away like it’s simple, like it’s right. ‘ ‘ Give me a day, ____. ‘ ‘ Bring back the lies, hang them back on the wall. ‘ ‘ Maybe then I’d see how you could be so certain we had no chance at all. ‘ ‘ Where can I turn? ‘ ‘ Covered with scars I did nothing to earn. ‘ ‘ Maybe there’s somewhere a lesson to learn. ‘ ‘ That wouldn’t change the fact. ‘

SHIKSA GODDESS.

‘ I’m breaking my mother’s heart the longer I stand looking at you. ‘ ‘ My grandfather’s rolling, rolling in his grave. ‘ ‘ If you had a tattoo, that wouldn’t matter. ‘ ‘ If you had a shaved head, that would be cool. ‘ ‘ If you came from Spain or Japan or the back of a van, just as long as you’re not from ( insert religion ) school. ‘ ‘ Now I’m getting somewhere! I’m finally breaking through! ‘ ‘ Hey! Hey! Shiksa goddess! ‘ ‘ I’ve been waiting for someone like you. ‘ ‘ The minute I first met you, I could barely catch my breath. ‘ ‘ I’ve been standing for days with the phone in my hand like and idiot, scared to death. ‘ ‘ I’ve been beaten, I’ve been hit. ‘ ‘ My people have suffered for thousands of years and I don’t give a shit. ‘ ‘ Well, nobody’s perfect. ‘ ‘ It’s tragic but it’s true. ‘ ‘ I’ve been waiting for someone, I’ve been praying for someone. ‘ ‘ I think that I could be in love with someone like you. ‘

SEE I’M SMILING.

‘ I guess I can’t believe you really came. ‘ ‘ See, I’m smiling. That means I’m happy that you’re here. ‘ ‘ I stole this sweater from a costume shop, it makes me look like Daisy Mae. ‘ ‘ See, we’re laughing. ‘ ‘ I think we’re gonna be okay. ‘ ‘ I mean, we’ll have to try a little harder. ‘ ‘ I think you’re really gonna like this show, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t suck. ‘ ‘ See, you’re laughing and I’m smiling. ‘ ‘ We’re doing fine. ‘ ‘ I think we both can see what could be better. ‘ ‘ I’ll own when I was wrong. ‘ ‘ With all we’ve had to go through we’ll end up twice as strong. ‘ ‘ We’ll start again this weekend and just keep rolling along. ‘ ‘ I didn’t know you had to go so soon. ‘ ‘ I thought we had a little time. ‘ ‘ Look, whatever, if you have to then you have to, so whatever, it’s all right. ‘ ‘ We’ll have tonight. ‘ ‘ You know what makes me crazy? ‘ ‘ I’m sorry, can I say this? ‘ ‘ We could be together, here together, sharing our night, spending our time. And you are gonna choose someone else to be with? ‘ ‘ Yes, ____, that’s exactly what you’re doing! ‘  ‘ You could be here with me or be there with them. As usual, guess which you pick! ‘ ‘ No, _____, you do not have to go to another party with the same twenty jerks you already know. ‘ ‘ I know in your soul it must drive you crazy that you won’t get to play with your little girlfriends! ‘ ‘ You can’t spend a single day that’s not about, you and you and nothing but you! ‘ ‘ I swear to God I’ll never understand how you can stand there straight and tall and see I’m crying… and not do anything at all. ‘

MOVING TOO FAST.

‘ Did I just hear an alarm start ringing? Did I see sirens go flying past? ‘ ‘ I don’t know what tomorrow’s bringing. ‘ ‘ I’ve got a singular impression things are moving too fast. ‘ ‘ I barrel on through and I don’t complain. ‘ ‘ No matter what I try I’m flying full speed ahead. ‘ ‘ I’m never worried to walk the wire. ‘ ‘ I won’t do anything just half-assed. ‘ ‘ I found a woman/man I love. ‘ ‘ Some people analyze every detail. ‘ ‘ Some people freeze out of fear that they’ll fail, but I keep rollin’ on. ‘ ‘ Some people can’t get success with their art. ‘ ‘ Some people never feel love in their heart. ‘ ‘ Maybe I can’t follow through but what else am I supposed to do? ‘ ‘ Now I’m the subject of a bidding war. ‘ ‘ I’m doing things I never dreamed of before. ‘ ‘ We start to take the next step together. ‘ ‘ The Atlantic Monthly’s printing my first chapter, two thousand bucks without rewriting one word. ‘ ‘ I left Columbia and I don’t regret it. ‘ ‘ My heart’s been stolen. ‘ ‘ My ego’s swollen. ‘ ‘ Well, well, what else is in store? ‘ ‘ Got all this and more before twenty-four. ‘ ‘ It’s hard not to be sure. ‘ ‘ I’m spinning out of control. ‘ ‘ I’m feeling panicked and rushed and hurried. ‘ ‘ I’m feeling outmaneuvered and outclassed. ‘ ‘ I’m so happy I can’t get worried. ‘

A PART OF THAT.

‘ He’s off on a trip to ____-land ‘ ‘ And then he’ll/she’ll smile, his/her eyes light up and deep within the ground without a sound a moment comes to life. ‘ ‘ I’m a part of that. ‘ ‘ Next day it’s just like it never happened. ‘ ‘ How can I complain? ‘ ‘ Yes, he’s/she’s insane, but look what they can do. ‘ ‘ I tend to follow in his/her stride instead of side by side. ‘ ‘ I said I’d stick it out and follow through. ‘ ‘ Where else can I go? ‘ ‘ The rules do not apply. ‘ ‘ And then he/she smiles and nothing else makes sense. ‘ ‘ He/she invents the world that’s passing by. ‘ ‘ I’m a part of that aren’t I? ‘

THE SCHUMEL SONG.

‘ First, a story. A little Christmas Story. ‘ ____, you’ll get to be happy! ‘ ‘ Every cut and stitch was a perfect fit. ‘ ‘ Take me back! ‘ ‘ But shouldn’t I want the world to see the brilliant girl/guy who inspires me? ‘ ‘ Don’t you think that now’s a good time to be the ambitious freak you are? ‘ ‘ Say goodbye to wiping ashtrays at the bar. ‘ ‘ Say hello to ____, big-time star! ‘ ‘ I give you unlimited time. ‘ ‘ Stop temping and go and be happy. ‘ ‘ Here’s a headshot guy and a new BackStage. ‘ ‘ Take a breath, take a step, take a chance! ‘ ‘ Take your time. ‘ ‘ Have I mentioned today how lucky I am to be in love with you? ‘

A SUMMER IN OHIO.

‘ I could lease a villa in Seville. ‘ ‘ It wouldn’t be as nice as a summer in ____. ‘ ‘ I could wander Paris after dark. ‘ ‘ Take a carriage ride through Central Park. ‘ ‘ I’m sharing a room with a former stripper and her snake, Wayne. ‘ ‘ Still I’m certain I’d prefer to be going slowly batty. ‘ ‘ I could shove an ice pick in my eye, I could eat some fish from last July, but it wouldn’t be as awful as a summer in _____. ‘ ‘ I stole a look at your picture on the inside sleeve and then I couldn’t leave. ‘ ‘ ____, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet. ‘ ‘ All things considered, I guess you don’t have to buy it. ‘ ‘ I smiled like Mona Lisa, and I lay my Visa down. ‘ ‘ She/he wants me, he/she wants me, but he/she ain’t gonna get me. ‘ ‘ Look at me, look at him. ‘ ‘ Son of a bitch, I guess I’m doing something right. ‘ ‘ I finally got something right. ‘ ‘ No, it’s not Nirvana, but it’s on the way. ‘ ‘ I play Anita at the matinee. ‘ ’ I’m never gonna go back to _____! ‘ ‘ The torture is just exquisite.  ‘ ‘ I’m waiting for you to visit. ‘

THE NEXT TEN MINUTES.

‘ The San Remo is up a few blocks. ‘ ‘ Have you been inside the Museum? ‘ ‘ We should go. ‘ ‘ Will you share your life with me for the next ten minutes? ‘ ‘ There are so many lives I want to share with you. ‘ ‘ I will never be complete until I do. ‘ ‘ I’m not always on time, please don’t expect that from me. ‘ ‘ I will be late, but if you can just wait, I will make it eventually. ‘ ‘ Not like it’s in my control. ‘ ‘ Not like I’m proud of the fact. ‘ ‘ I don’t know why people run. ‘ ‘ I don’t know why things fall through. ‘ ‘ I don’t know how anybody survives in this life without someone like you. ‘ ‘ I could say no and goodbye.  ‘ ‘ I want to be your wife/husband. ‘ ‘ I want to bear your child ‘ ‘ I want to die knowing I had a long, full life in your arms. ‘ ‘ Isn’t that the Museum? ‘ ‘ Can we go see the dinosaurs?  ‘

A MIRACLE WOULD HAPPEN.

‘ Everyone tells you that the minute you get married every other woman/man in the world auddenly finds you attractive. Well, that’s not true. ‘ ‘ And now they’re banging down your door and falling to their knees. At least that’s what it feels like because you CAN NOT TOUCH THEM. ‘ ‘ That’s not fair! ‘ ‘ In a perfect world a miracle would happen and every other girl/boy would fly away. ‘ ‘ It’d be me and ____ and nothing else would matter. ‘ ‘ But it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine I mean, I’m happy. ‘ ‘ It’s not a problem, it’s just a challenge. ‘ ‘ It’s a challenge to resist temptation. ‘ ‘ I’m at these parties, I’m the center of attention, I’m the grand fromage. ‘ ‘ Let’s get a cup of coffee, will you look at my manuscript? ‘ ‘ I’m gesticulating with my left hand. ‘ ‘ And then WHOOMP! There’s ____! ‘ ‘ ‘Cause she/he knows, they always know. ‘ ‘ There’s that really awkward moment where I try to show I wasn’t encouraging this, though of course I sort of was. ‘ ‘ I don’t want to look whipped in front of this woman, which is dumb - I shouldn’t care what she thinks since I can’t fuck her anyway! ‘ ‘ In a perfect world a miracle would happen and every girl would look like Mister Ed. ‘ ‘ I swear I’ll be there soon, ___. ‘ ‘ I am so proud of you, baby. ‘ ‘ You’re doing what you never got to do before. ‘ ‘ We’re gonna make it through and nothing else will matter. ‘ ‘ We’ll be fine, we’re fine. ‘

CLIMBING UPHILL.

‘ I’m climbing uphill, ____. ‘ ‘ I’m up every morning at six. ‘ ‘ I’m waiting five hours in line. ‘ ‘ When I walk in the room there’s a table of men, always men - usually gay. ‘ ‘ I am a good person, I’m an attractive person, I am a talented person. Grant me grace! ‘ ‘ I should have told them I was sick last week. ‘ ‘ Maybe I should stop and start over. ‘ ‘ Why is the director staring at his crotch? ’ ‘ Don’t stare at my resume, I made up half of my resume. ‘ ‘ Look at me. Stop looking at that, look at me. ‘ ‘ Don’t look at my shoes, I hate these stupid shoes. ‘ ‘ Why did I pick this career? ’ ‘ Why does this pianist hate me? ’ ‘ I’m obviously such a horrible, annoying distraction to him/her. ‘ ‘ What’s he/she gonna be like when we have kids? ’  ‘ Why am I working so hard? ’  ‘ Jesus Christ, I suck, I suck, I suck. ‘ ‘ I will not be the girl/guy stuck at home in the ‘burbs with the baby, the dog, and the garden of herbs. ‘ ‘ I will not be the girl/guy in the sensible shoes pushing burgers and beer nuts and missing the clues. ‘ ‘ I will not be the girl/guy who gets asked how it feels to be trotting along at the genius’s heels. ‘ ‘ I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by. ‘

IF I DIDN’T BELIEVE IN YOU.

‘ Okay, stop. ____, stop. Listen to me. ‘ ‘ There are people and they are publishing my book. ‘ ‘ There’s a party that they’re throwing. ‘ ‘ And while you’ve made it very clear that you’re not going, I will be going and that’s done. ’ ’ But what’s it really about? ‘ ‘ Is it really about a party, ____? ’ ‘ Can we please for a minute stop blaming and say what you feel? ‘  ‘ Did you think this would all be much easier than it’s turned out to be? ‘ ‘ Well, then talk to me, ____. Talk to me. ‘ ‘ If I didn’t believe in you we’d never have gotten this far. ‘ ‘ If I didn’t think you could do anything you ever wanted to, if I wasn’t certain that you’d come through somehow, the fact of the matter is I wouldn’t be standing here now. ‘ ‘ If I didn’t believe in you we wouldn’t be having this fight. ‘ ‘ I never could let that go knowing the things about you I know.  ‘ ‘ It never took much convincing to make me believe in you. ‘ ‘ Don’t we get to be happy, ____? ’ ‘ At some point down the line don’t we get to relax? ‘ ‘ If I’m cheering on your side, ____, why can’t you support mine? ‘ ‘ Why do I have to feel I’ve committed some felony doing what I always swore I would do? ‘ ‘ I don’t want you to hurt. ‘ ‘ But you know what I think? I think you’ll be fine! ’  ‘ Will you listen to me? ’   ‘ No one can give you courage, no one can thicken your skin. ‘ ‘ I will not fail so you can be comfortable, ____. ‘ ‘ I will not lose because you can’t win. ‘ ‘ This is the life I choose, this is the thing I can’t bear to lose. ‘ ‘ Trip us or trap us but we refuse to fall. ‘ ‘ Now why don’t you put your dress on and we’ll go, okay? ’

I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

‘ My best friend had a little situation at the end of our senior year. ‘ ‘ And like a shot, she/he and _____ got married that summer. ‘ ‘ They got a little cute house on a little cute street with a crucifix on the door. ‘ ‘ I thought about what I wanted, it wasn’t like that at all. ‘ ‘ I can do better than that. ‘ ‘ In a year or so, I moved to the city. ‘ ‘ What have I got to lose? ‘ ‘ Got a room, got a cat, and got twenty pounds thinner. ‘ ‘ Met a guy in a class I was taking. ‘ ‘ He wouldn’t leave me alone ‘less I went with him to dinner. ‘ ‘ And I guess he/she was cute, and I guess he/she was sweet, and I guess he/she was good in bed. ‘ ‘ So I’m starting to think that this maybe might work and the second it entered my head, he/she needed to take some time off. ‘ ‘ He blew me off with a heartfelt letter. ‘ ‘ You don’t have to change a thing, just stay with me. ‘ ‘ I want you and you and nothing but you. ‘ ‘ I don’t need any lifetime commitments. ‘ ‘ I don’t want to throw up your walls and defenses. ‘ ‘ I don’t mean to put on any pressure but I know what a thing is right. ‘ ‘ When we get to my house, take a look at that town, take a look at how far I’ve gone. ‘ ‘ I will never go back. ‘ ‘ It feels like my life led right to your side. ‘ ‘ Think about how I love you and ay you’ll move in with me. ‘ ‘ Think of what’s great about me and you, think of the bullshit we’ve both been through, think of what’s past because we can do better! ‘

NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW.

‘ Hey, kid. Good morning. ‘ ‘ You look like an angel. ‘ ‘ I don’t remember when we fell asleep. ‘ ‘ Just relax, lay low. All right, the panic recedes. ‘ ‘ Nobody needs to know. ‘ ‘ All right, it’s over, it’s done. ’ ‘ Then I start making, conscious, deliberate mistakes. ‘ ‘ All that I ask for is one little corner, one private room, at the back of my heart. ‘ ‘ What can I do? ’ ‘ Come back to bed. ‘ ‘ I promise won’t lie to you. ‘ ‘ Hold on, don’t cry yet. ‘ ‘ I need to be in love with someone. ‘ ‘ Maybe I could be in love with someone like you. ‘

GOODBYE UNTIL TOMORROW/ I COULD NEVER RESCUE YOU.