gunes

still standing

if you ordered a drink, I would too

maybe one or maybe two

now I’m sober around you

I owe you nothing

scary dreams and bleeding knees mean nothing

I’ve fought with demons my whole life

and now I finally sleep like a baby and I’m not afraid to say it,

just because you lost sleep

you can go around in circles

spend all 24 hours with him

you know I know what he’s like when goodbye time comes

taking all his mercy with his stuffed bags

it’s no longer a bad thing to say

I’m angry or jealous

I built a life so close to a wreckage

it’s a never going back thing

us till the end

I’m too old for the clichés

a gun pointed at my memories

I quietly dealt with what you brought to the table

your demons and mine are not friends anymore

if I had slept next to you one more night I’d be dead by now

flashbacks dancing around

I blame my addictions and their little sounds

for my loud leavings and the things I did wrong

now I want to breathe

count till three

breathe

hold it

breathe

this big tree feels familiar, like a childhood dream

happy birthday

I see you with the new girl

classy, blue dress, much older than me

and maybe you

you cheers with her, it’s a cocktail we used to hate

now you like it too

and I’m walking down the streets in hopes of seeing your face

I’m walking, running, screaming, feeling like a total mess

I need some company I guess

but you look completely fine at the party

drinking and laughing with a girl looks nothing like me

it’s just the classic way things end

begged me to stay and I for sure left

I’m stoned on the bathroom floor

someone’s trying to save my life

I’ve never felt like this before

I thought I’d never been loved like this before

I caught you taking my picture while I was sleeping

we were lying in your friend’s bedroom staring at the ceiling

my wounds never looked better

when they were loved by you

watched you open my door for me

a red rose for our anniversary

a glass of white wine with “I love you baby”

your pretending killed me but at least you were so polite about it

kissing my shoulder,

kissing your back

I just hoped for the best

someone’s humming a song I’ve never heard before

but somehow I know all the words

how the fuck did I end up here?

it’s cold and then hot

he’s kissing my bleeding mouth

I change nonstop

is this how it works?

these days all I do is drink a lot

because I’m out of drugs

knock knock before you come in

you were the shooting star I believed in

but now mom leans into my ear whispering

in every universe I believe we’d end up together

a storm knocked on my window, I thought it was sunshine

pour me another glass of white wine

white as your lies

I told you about the dreams I had at midnight

and you showed me some good nightmares

I hope karma eats your soul

while you’re eating my heart

no blood left for you baby

I gave every piece of me to you baby

I hope,

where did loyalty die

under my feet or your dirty little lies?

peace was being with you

you loved the light in my eyes,

does it feel good to take it now?

turning in bed, I have nothing left to say

you made a wish, it came true

reading the room

I’ve stopped taking my medication

so please call me back soon

time’s ticking

twenty something, drunk and hopeless

positivity and meditation are not helping at all

am I in a car on a dead end road?

the cure is not coming and I don’t care anymore

I’m not watching where I step anymore

I’m falling

falling

falling

breaking things

causing scenes

if i see you

i’ll make sure you remember it

blindly in love

you’re like a bad joke now

let’s find a meaning in us

let’s be drunk in love

let’s go to spain

one month later i’m screaming “you’re so vain”

that song wasn’t about you

open my door

buy me flowers

sip from my beer and say it tastes ten times better

look at us now

and your hand on my shoulder

music is getting louder

I’m dancing around your lies

It’s gonna take me seconds to figure you out

when you speak it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth

I didn’t go home last time

I think i should go home this time

would it be better to kill you with a knife so sharp

than with this silence so loud

our feelings change like the seasons

it seems like i’d be dead without medication

it’s 1 a.m. and i’m drunk crying in the backseat of a taxi

is it really this hard to love me?

these questions linger at the back of my mind

i’m in the same place no matter how much I run, cry and try

i need a good kiss from your lips before we say goodbye

it’s been a year

you said i was everywhere you looked

even when i wasn’t there

you lost me right there where you found me

same bar, bad songs and beers

i said i’m leaving

you said i got it all wrong

“you’re all in your head and i did nothing wrong”

it was scary to see how easily someone could lie

right to my face

now i’m alone again

i looked at your face for the last time before i got into the taxi

i’m good when my baby’s good?

i guess you have a place in my heart that i don’t want to admit

you keep calling me yours, i don’t get it

i begged for this forever

now you give me a bouquet with a note that says “we will always be together”

i breathe in, i breathe out

some days we try not to fall apart

i said your mistakes ruined the love spell

and you said “it wasn’t magic, it’s real

and i’ll make it okay”

my icy heart melted there

just one memory was enough to bring you back to life from your ashes

my world shakes with one question

what would happen if I stayed

your promises became a knife and stabbed me in the back

three years later i’m still haunted by what if’s

i forgot your home’s street and the taste of your lips

you were the only forever i believed in

then i became this monster,

i became this hurricane

i hate being under control

thinking made me lose sleep and dreams

“should i change my hair?

am i getting addicted to my medication?

am i really the person they say, do i need meditation?

why do things turn upside down?

why do i keep finding myself defeated on the ground?”

lights changing when it’s getting late

blue to purple and now red

we’re going home, all my clothes are wet

it rains and rains

on the way home i think i’m better off alone

my pale face looks more dead now

summer blues

“is this the right thing to do?”

signs are never there when you need them

magic never works when you’re desperately in pain

the hand that wakes you up from nightmares won’t be here anymore

i have blood all over my ugly face

ice cold days broke my bones

i used to be so pure and so sure

about life and love

he loves me, he loves me not

they rip me up

i saw it in a dream last night

running means nothing when you’re tied to stones as heavy as your doubts

i spent the whole night wondering if i could make this right

but no one’s willing to get into a burning house

i have no time left

the rabbit hole gets deeper and deeper

i’m so far from waking up

tell me quick

does he love me