gummi&&bare

I love you and I meant that in every sense of the word. There are few people that I feel so deeply for. This is not a dent in my armor. I am proud of how much I want to love this world.

You don’t touch me but strange men passing by do.

You don’t grope me but strange men passing by do.

You don’t lust after me. You don’t hold me. You don’t smell me. You don’t taste me. You don’t take me in.

Why?

Too much stress from work? From chores and troubles? Those will always be there but my youthful soft body will not.

At first that’s all I wanted, was to dream of you. Your visit so I could see you, speak to you, maybe even touch you.

Now you’re in my dreams and it’s fun. We’re friends. We laugh and banter and have inside jokes. Then I wake up and it all feels so fresh and it stings.

It’s a dull constant pain in my chest for the rest of the day. I can shake it most days but this one isn’t one of those days.

I can’t hate you and I don’t event want to. I just miss you in the smallest way. I wanna talk ab the game and how’s your day and I need help with my car.

These days I feel alone with my emotions. They feel so pity and small in comparison to what others have going on but you never made me feel that way. I wish I could call you.

I almost pulled your number from the cobwebs of my memory.

I almost rhythmically typed it like I have many times before. I almost wrote you a symphony of my feelings for you to ignore.

I almost did it but I didn’t.

I sat there staring at the beacon of small light in my dark empty bed.

Snuffed the flame and closed my eyes.

I woke up and felt light. I felt strong and hopeful.

I almost felt regret and shame and embarrassment but I didn’t.

I want to talk to you but I don’t live for it anymore. I wish you’d reach out but I’m not anticipating it. I’d love to see you and hold you but I mourn that if I did it won’t feel the same. I used to romanticize our rekindling but I now know that’s impossible to recreate what once was.

At first it was hurt and sadness. I wouldn’t allow myself to dream of you or relive past memories. Everything would come flooding back in the form of tears.

Then it was anger. I was angry at myself for almost settling for you. The fact I risked it all just for you to do this to me. Resentment for myself and you. So much energy wasted.

Now I think of you as a hot coffee when I ordered iced. I wanted you to badly almost needed you, just not like that. Yet I held you and savored you the best I could. I’m thankful for the time and nourishment we both gave but now the cup is empty.

Made by your hands and held tight. The night drive with your hand on my thigh. My hand holding the back of your head.