A Journey of Finding One's Self

Welp, it’s been over 2 years since my last actual post. And it seems fitting that the following is my first post of 2016.

There are moments lately where I have to stop and pause and remember to live in the present and not the future. Moments that catch me off guard because of how powerful they are. Moments that make me smile and laugh. Moments that I have in the here and now, but they reflect a future I never dreamed or thought I would have. Am I still scared as hell? You bet I am, however, I also know that no matter what happens, we’re in it together and that makes me smile even more.

Okay people, this is your chance.

1. had sex? yes

2. bought condoms? no

3. gotten pregnant? no

4. failed a class? yes

5. kissed a boy? yes

6. kissed a girl? yes

7. had a job? yes

8. left the house without my wallet? yes

9. bullied someone on the internet? no

10. sexted? yes

11. had sex in public? no

12. smoked weed? no

13. smoked cigarettes? yes

14. smoked a cigar? no

15. drank alcohol? yes

16. been to a wedding? yes

17. been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yes

18. watched tv for 5 hours straight? yes

19. been late for school? yes

20. kissed in the rain? yes

21. showered with someone else? yes

22. been outside my home country? yes

23. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? yes

24. had lice? no

25. gotten my heart broken? yes

26. had a credit card? yes

27. been to a professional sports game? yes

28. broken a bone? no

29. been unhappy about my weight? no

30. won a trophy? yes

31. cut myself? no

32. been on a diet? no

33. rode in a taxi? yes

34. stayed up for 24 hours or more? yes

35. been to a concert? yes

36. had a crush on someone of the same sex? yes

37. had braces? yes

38. wore make up? yes

39. lost my virginity before I was 16? no

40. kissed someone a different race than myself? yes

41. Snuck out of the house? no

42. had oral sex? yes

43. dyed my hair? no

44. met someone famous? yes

45. been on vacation? yes

46. been on a boat? yes

47. been on an airplane? yes

48. prank called someone? no

49. taken a pregnancy test? yes

So despite the fact that I prefer to hold a book and read it, I recently downloaded audible and started listening to Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. While I haven't gotten too far into the book yet, there's already been topics discussed that I find I relate to. One of which relates to my last post. 

When I wrote that last post, I was still in a relationship which has since ended for several reasons. One of which was the fact that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married. While we had only been together as a couple for almost a year, we had known each other as friends for roughly six years. Within the first few months we had talked about marriage, I had told my S.O. that I had never seen myself getting married. Several times throughout the relationship he had commented that he didn't want to share me. Each time he would say that I cringe inside without knowing exactly why.

I'm a very open person and very little makes me uncomfortable. Something that one of my best friends has taken upon themselves to challenge lol. Because I am an open person, I'm open to trying new things even if they are considered being outside what is considered "normal." After listening to part of the book, I've come to realize that the reason why I cringed when my S.O. said that is because I don't want to be tied down by one person, especially if that person isn't as open minded as I am and willing to try new things. While my former S.O. is open minded, they are not the type to try an open relationship. 

Back when I was at CSULB I took a counseling course that helped students to figure out what career they wanted to go into or which would be best for them. One of the things that we covered in that class was that there was a small percentage of people who had a quarter life crisis, similar to the ever popular midlife crisis but not as dramatic. At the time I felt like I was going through something like it. Turns out I was wrong, two years later I'm having my quarter life crisis.