no okay i do want to talk about shane drumming his fingers on the gearshift on the way to face his parents only for ilya to cover his hand with his own, and then we see shane in the rearview, tears in his eyes, shutting his eyes briefly. and it’s like we see him recenter under ilya’s touch, be still. and i think a lot about how hudson described shane’s relationship with yuna as clinical — she loves him, yes, more than anything, but there’s a distance there; emotions are hands-off. david seems loving but removed as well. it’s likely shane never had anyone to properly sit with him in his anxiousness, in his fear, he always had to suffer it in silence. and it’s like. here comes ilya rozanov, saying, do you want me to come with you? yes it’s scary, but you’re brave. maybe they didn’t even notice. ilya pulls shane from the ether, guides him to wrap his arms around him instead. he lets shane slide to the floor and clutch at him, press himself into his body in a way that brings him comfort. he grounds him, gives him something to anchor himself to, gives him a place to unravel. shane’s walked alone for years and years, has learned how to buck up and go through things on his own. and ilya tells him he doesn’t have to. like. ever since we were 17, i’ve wanted to be where you are, to go where you go. just say the word. of course i will go with you. i’m right here. i’m always going to be right here.

thinking about “no, i get that, but actually, i love him.” mind you this is like less than 24 hours after he’s even said it aloud to ilya. less than 24 hours before he puts to words what he’s felt since ilya kissed him goodbye on the stairwell. i get that, given the last decade of the two of us connecting over our shared distaste for the man standing next to me. i get that, given how reporters and magazines and podcasts all pick apart at our relationship like vultures, insisting there’s venom between us. i get that, since i’ve gone quiet whenever you’ve mentioned him in the last nine years. you must’ve taken my silence for hatred. and i get that, i do, but no. in those moments, i was wondering what it would be like for you to meet him, to shake his hand, look into his eyes and see the man i’ve held so close to my heart for years. and now i’m being honest, finally. i love him. i think maybe i always have.