certified dumb bitch

Despite how I initially felt though, I was still hurting from Rich breaking my heart and I don’t do casual relationships or FWB - he did and I fucked around and got my heart hurt. My own fault. Whatever, we’re still good friends. Chris found my Facebook and added me. Then, he added me on Snapchat and would keep trying to talk to me for a few weeks. I kept ignoring his messages until Christmas day in 2017. I was pet sitting for Sam G, I was sitting there with Raven and he messaged me again. He asked me to hang out and I sat there talking to Raven about it. Earlier in the evening, Amanda had invited me to her friend Alex’s house to hang out. I took the leap and asked Chris if he wanted to come with me to Alex’s. I figured since they were all friends it wouldn’t be weird (oh but it was). I didn’t know back then that Chris had it bad for Alex for years before then. I didn’t know about Dani (his ex-gf) and how they were still casually talking and fucking around. Yeah lots of things I didn’t know. But that was the first time we hung out. He asked me if I wanted to go on a date the next day, and we went to Denny’s (I chose hehe). I met him there after work and we split a big zesty nachos. We talked for a long time then we sat in his car and talked a lot more. It was getting pretty late and I told him I needed to get home. We exchanged awkward goodbye’s and I sat there for another few seconds, turned to him and said, “Well are you gonna kiss me or not?”. That was that. He came to Target the next day and I was working again. I went on my break and we were sitting in my car listening to music and talking. I was about to put on “Drown” by Front Porch Step and I told him, “Okay don’t even judge me because I love this song” and he immediately smiled from ear to ear when he heard it. He went on his phone and sent me a relationship request on Facebook - he didn’t even actually ask me!! I was like, “Wtf” and he was like, “Well?” and I was so taken off guard because we had only known each other really for 2 days. I told him I just needed to think about it and I would let him know. I was so SHOOK! After that, we started dating and the rest is (almost) history. He was such a gentleman, he didn’t push for sex but I was getting restless after 2 weeks. We were at my house and I got a shower, I was standing there in my towel and I dropped it and said, “Do you wanna fuck?” Oh my gosh, looking back I guess our first time together could’ve been more romantic. Fast forward, there was weird stuff going on at Pangburn, it wasn’t safe for me, and he insisted I moved in with him at his grandparent’s house, this was almost only 2 months of us dating. We were moving fast and I was super scared I was in over my head. After only about 3-4 months of us living there, we moved into Pearl Drive. 

It ultimately led to us breaking up in April of 2019. It was tough because we had our apartment at Pearl Drive and the lease wasn’t up until the end of July. I didn’t have the money to cover the entire rent myself + the bills so I moved out while Chris stayed there. I remember we weren’t getting along for a few weeks leading up to it, too. He had went to Brendan’s and was there until like 11 PM and I kept texting him insisting he came home because it was getting late. Around this time, Brendan and Lindsay were still together and they didn’t particularly like me. They disliked me for the same reasons that they got divorced themselves. Lindsay acted the same way, if not worse, to Brendan. And Brendan was just Brendan. Anyway, he came home and I was fuming. We were in the bedroom arguing and I told him that I could easily find someone else that wouldn’t treat me like that. Chris had been acting really cold and distant so it was just making me hate him. As soon as I said that, he was essentially like ‘fuck this we are done’. I wasn’t done talking but he was. We said we were taking a break - one of us was going to move out because it wasn’t going to solve anything with us living in a tiny apartment together. We couldn’t work on ourselves. After a few days of him still acting like an asshole, I was planning on moving out the next day. I remember us, again, sitting in bed and I was crying asking him to not talk to anyone else. Not to download any dating apps - but he downloaded Tinder while I was sitting right there. It was like a blow to the gut for me. I stayed at Marki’s that night and came back in the morning to get ready for work. I already had my work stuff with me, but I wanted to check and make sure he wasn’t doing anything shady. I crept up the back stairs and quietly opened our back door. I walked into the bedroom and saw Allie. I can’t remember her last name, it’s that girl that I graduated with that was always a fucking loser, disgusting, and weird. She had gotten fat. And she was laying on MY side of the bed. I could tell she was uncomfortable the second I walked in. Little did I know at the time, she knew exactly who Chris was, she knew I was dating him, and when she came to our apartment - she knew I was living there. I remember asking her what she thought when she saw all of my stuff around the apartment. She replied, “He said that someone was in the middle of moving out”. He fucked this girl in our bed and in our home. I said, “Did you drive here?” She replied yes, and I said, “Ok get the fuck out”. She acted like she didn’t know how to get out of the apartment. I said “The way you fucking came in are you stupid????” Chris was getting ready for school, had just gotten a shower, to wash away all the fucking filth of that girl I guess. I asked him how it felt, did it make him feel better, was he fucking happy now? No, no, and no. I kept my cool, I didn’t throw anything, I didn’t put my hands on him. I walked outside and called my mom. We got a uhaul and I packed everything in record time and I was gone. I took everything. I left him only with the few things he came into the relationship with. I even took the toilet paper off the holder. While I didn’t scream, yell, or fight. I made sure to be as petty as possible. Now this was weird, but I left the used condom on the toilet seat so he knew that I knew. At least he wrapped it up. That was that - I left and went back home.

When we were “fighting”, my main issue in our relationship is that I don’t feel valued, I don’t feel cherished or truly wanted. I think it took me awhile to realize that maybe he doesn’t show the passion I desire from him because he stays in our relationship out of fear. Fear of losing the security and safety of having someone, or fear that he couldn’t exactly afford to live on his own. And those are same fears that are in the back of my mind too. Im not ashamed to admit it, I feel a sense of security in being with him because he takes half of the burden of affording rent, bills and other things that are needed that I know I couldn’t afford by myself. Do I put up with feeling so undesired because I am simply just scared?

Does his lack of passion towards our relationship stem from me not “trying” as hard on my appearance as I did in the beginning? I think it could be a valid thing, so I decided that Im going to test that theory. I will wake up every morning and shower, do my hair, makeup, and wear something cuter but still casual for lounging around the house - and see what happens. The last time we had sex was the morning of the 27th, which I initiated. As well as I had the night before, on the 26th. Then we have tonight, technically the 10th now that I tried to give him a blowjob just for the sake of wanting to please him. I just feel so fucking undesired. He does not kiss me with any passion, just little pecks on the lips, and almost every time I am asking for the kiss. A fucking kiss! From my partner! He does not grab my ass or tell me I am beautiful. Nothing. And I swear in the beginning of our relationship it was different. These are questions and concerns that I need answers and clarity to before he leaves for Kuwait. There is realistically no point in putting my entire life on hold another year for someone I would truly have no future with. 4 1/2 years is more than enough time to be wasted.

So my plan is to try this test run, say we’ll give it 2 weeks. I’ll give more effort into my appearance, I’ll see if that entices him at all to be more affectionate. If nothing changes, it’s obviously a serious conversation that’ll need to be had. How can you sit over two weeks ago, almost three, and say you are fully committed to working on our relationship, giving me more of what I NEED, and you’ve done nothing. How many times can I have this conversation before I just start looking like a fucking fool? Maybe I already am. But at the end of the day, if we break up, I know i’ll be okay. I used to think I couldn’t live without him, but I’ve grown so resentful that I have almost already fully accepted what could happen. 

He’s said before that “Oh, I wanna wait until i’m out of college before we do that” then he quit Pitt and it was just like up in the air. Then it was that he wanted to wait until he finished the academy. Then it was that he wanted to wait until he comes back from his deployment. And so I finally pressed him and was like “you need to tell me what you truly want for your future because it’s an important conversation that we need to have” and I told him i’m just trying to understand and I have no intentions of trying to convince him to feel one way or another. And I don’t want him to feel pressured into doing something he never wanted to do in the first place.

He basically said that because he has all the things going on with the possibility of becoming a police officer, or getting the AGR job, or going on the deployment.. he said that he wasn’t sure and didn’t even want to think about marriage. And I was like, “Do you feel that you’re so apprehensive about marriage because of the relationships that you’ve witnessed in your own life?” And obviously that was a yes. He apparently feels that marriage is just ‘involving the government in your life by a piece of paper’. It’s just so much more to me than that. It’s more than just a piece of paper. And I want to marry someone that’s truly excited to spend the rest of their life with me.

when I saw my therapist a few days ago and was talking to her again about everything, she said that our relationship is actually healthier than most she’s heard about, especially regarding such intimate things. she said that chris seems more receptive and willing to work towards change together than most men. idk it made me feel alot better because I feel like I was internally criticizing every wrong thing he did or was doing. I even told him I held so much resentment because of me having to say over and over what I need from him (sexually) and it felt like he just refused to deliver. but I think we needed to have the conversation(s) we had, it was like we turned a page or something. because despite how much we’ve talked about our future and buying a house when he comes back from deployment I was really questioning it until now.

we were cleaning up the bedroom and I had been holding onto this toy that I bought at adult mart (um so fucking expensive) and we still hadnt used it and we decided to set them up on our phones and explore it. I mean we’ve had sex in public-ish places but the idea of being able to use it in public is exciting. it can connect with our spotify and vibrates to the music and you can set it to vibrate just to conversations by like to decibels it’s CRAZY. idk maybe its just because of the books I read but I just want to be like dominated and be submissive to him but I dont think he’s ready to be like that. idk

after we set it up he suggested we put porn on the tv and it’s so funny we like the same porn stars and I appreciate that we can have such open conversations about the porn we watch, and we don’t care about each other like pleasuring ourselves seperately. alot of couples are super weird about that and think of it as cheating because “you’re getting off on the idea of sex with someone else” but to me thats just insanity. ANYWAY we put the video on and didnt even end up watching it because it put on this CUTEST lingerie but like always with everything my boobs are too big for everything so they were plopping tf out but it was hot lmao. I guided him to massage my clit properly and finger me the way I like and he was kissing and sucking on my boobs soooo good I thought I was gonna come right there. we switched it up and he started fucking me so good, he put my legs over his shoulders and fucked me just hard enough but enough to really be sensual about it. then he suggested that we use a toy and I told him to wait for me because I wanted to come together but he said as soon as I said that he came hahaha. I told him that was fine because I wanted to come too and he just started sucking on my boobs again and I came so fast omg.... it was just so good my legs were literally violently shaking.

then we were gonna go to the grocery store yesterday and I was like ..... “quickie??” and we did reverse cowgirl which gave me a good position to massage my clit while also giving him a good view of my ass at the same time. sometimes im like wow im definitely oversharing but then I remember nobody knows about this page and nobody reads it and I wanna remember how good our sex has been the last two days. i wish I wouldnt have waited so long to share vocally about what I want because it feels so good. now all of the sudden I want to have sex all the time. ahhhhhhhh i feel so much better.

I haven’t posted on here in so long but I feel like it’s my only safe outlet to get all of my thoughts out. I reached out to Rob like a week or two ago and apologized for how crazy I was to him during our relationship. It’s something that has weighed so heavily on my mind for all of these years and it felt good just to get it out. Thankfully though he was really understanding and forgiving, like he always has been lol. We’ve been talking nearly every day since then and it’s making me question a lot of things in my life. I wish the circumstances were different and we could give it another try. I loved him and i’ve always loved him. He knows i’ve been with Chris for over four years but as I keep talking to him it’s just making me realize all of the things I settle for in my current relationship that I shouldn’t have to. He doesn’t treat me the way I so desperately need to in order to feel truly loved and content in a relationship. So it makes me wonder if I should actually contemplate walking away. Not because of Rob, at all, just for myself. He has isolated me and made me lose all of my independence which I used to treasure so much. But if I start to pull away and work towards gaining that back, I know our relationship will suffer because of it. And I don’t think I intentionally want to do that. I just don’t know what the right choice is. It has bothered me so much for four fucking years that the only way he is able to fuck me like I want and need is when he’s drunk. I am not a simple fucking lover. I do not exist just to pleasure a man and receive nothing in return, just to have to get myself off later in private. While I desire to be fucked in such a passionate way, I also want to be fucked dirty. Pull my hair, slap my ass, choke me. Tell me how good I feel. But instead, I sit there and fake pleasure for the sake of his ego.

These things alone would make anyone run for the hills, but I love him. He has seen me through my absolute worst and still stayed by my side. And i’m so afraid if I meet someone new, the things I feel are wrong with me will make them run away. Do I truly stay because I love him and cherish our relationship? Or do I stay because I feel secure and safe? They seem like one in the same but they’re not.

I literally don’t know what i’m doing!!!! I know I would feel all of the awful things I did before if we stopped talking again. It’s so easy for those feelings to be brought back up. And it’s also not fair for me to say any of this while he’s still recovering from JUST being cheated on. I could never say any of this to him or anyone. I’ll just live in this constant state of anxiety, wanting to just kiss the fuck out of him and make all of our pain go away.