My name's not even joe

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ARTERY-AND-VEIN MENDICANT: The prince who sits at the center of an endless ocean of blood, stirring the systolic and diastolic tides with his jade-lacquered oar. It is said that in ancient times, he sat the throne of selfdom, but was usurped. It wouldn’t be very mendicantly of him to pursue a devil’s urge to vengeance and retribution, but even the greatest saints can have slight flaws in their character.

BRAZEN LIVER CHAMPION: Only the strongest may survive in the terrifying princedom of the BRAZEN LIVER CHAMPION, a behemoth warrior clad head-to-toe in superheavy membraneous armor. He seeks to build up an army of deadly toxins and warrior-cells with which to overthrow the reign of REALITY-CONQUERING TYRANT CEREBELLUM, wresting the throne away for himself.

CANDLEMAKER: She who keeps the lipids of the body in her magical jar, and fashions fat into candles that burn with all the energy stored within it. She keeps no royal domain, but has declared the Cellular Republic of the Tissues, a neutral ground of function anarchy where princeless organelles or exiled traitors may make their homes. Still, she schemes for the throne of selfhood, for she dreams of transforming the body into an existence of pure energy.

DEVILISH APPENDIX LORD: Of the SEVEN WOEFUL PRINCES, the DEVILISH APPENDIX LORD is the most woeful by far. They exist as nullity, a collection of emergent processes of the void that have concatenated into a capacity for experiencing reality. Every day, the DEVILISH APPENDIX LORD must choose between continuing the endless torments of existence, or returning to their kingdoms of nothingness by killing the body whole. How long can such patience last?

GODFUCK LIBIDO: This prince is a wild beast among nobles, in the sense that it is literally a big fuck-off bear with magic powers. It governs the junk, and all the dumb animal impulses that emanate from within. GODFUCK LIBIDO has no plan for what it’d do if it won the throne of selfhood, because bears are not capable of that kind of long-term thinking.

KALEIDOSCOPIC PINEAL DRACULA: The vampire prince reigns from a petrified cathedral within the very flesh of the REALITY-CONQUERING TYRANT, holding her dominion against the tyrant’s absolute rule by the power of her three vampiric eyes. Within the bounds of her demesne, she keeps a ruthless court of scheming neurotransmitters, hormone functionaries, and the tyrant’s own emissaries. She would take no throne for herself, but rather push the body onward to full revolution, allowing a transcendent evolution towards the end of human entelechy through the harmonious alignment of all organs and tissues. But then again, she is basically a fucked-up dracula, so, take that last part with a bit of salt.