Grey Red

An apologize for my silence lately - been too busy with everything.

School is taking the most of it, I’ll have tests after 3 weeks and will graduate after it. Of course it is just the first year of aviation but this is my fresh passion and I’ll follow as long as it takes. So my days mostly look like Monday - Friday getting Rocket engines jets in my brain and the weekend for boyfriends. Yes, yes i DO have social life after all. Which makes it tight to actually see someone. 

Briefly dated a “Gangster Guy” with whom I shared interesting music taste with, that usually people don’t get, which was nice. But he ended up being drug dealing junkie in the end and didn’t have much to talk with. Never going back to that kind of people again! 

Yet I wasn’t even breathing in between - when i already got another guy - went from 0 to 100 real fast. Now dating an ex politician and law management person from Oregon, US. He has many things in common with me, owns a brewery and already had idea that since my other passion is Vodka - we could actually legally create a version of Marie Antoinette’s Vodka line. Isn’t that cool! 

Plus after ages I finally feel appreciated again. Men in this country are inadequate. Not only with taking a Lady out but also in bed. New one is half Italian and half German. Do I really need to say that those are one of the best lovers in the world ?? :D Yeah, I think I’m gonna keep him ;)

Yet even with affections I still keep my feelings under control. My priority Numero Uno is therapy right now. We are going back in past and it’s hard, painful even. But I’m a Russian Woman - I can make it. No matter the nightmares, no matter the terrible memories. 

I use my weakness as my shield. Saw a series not long ago, it had a fine inspirational quote, that I should mention:

"Some people act like they're someone else and rush through life. Others show who they are and let life rush through them. Showing the world who you truly are. That's the bravest thing a person can do."

True that. True that. So from now on - I’m going to be fearlessly as ‘crazy’ whatever I really am. And if you don’t like or approve - simply don’t communicate with me. I won’t even miss you.

Also relationship with family have improved, which is nice.

Admirers, Aviation Academy, Culture Club, a new erotic photo inspiration as a hobby. I think I’m gonna be alright! And whatever will be short - will be worked out in therapy!

Shortly - am genuinely Happy right now!

“It’s 8pm and I’m preparing a dinner for one, for myself, while listening to instrumental jazz. And I don’t feel lonely, I feel good. My brain chemicals are just right. Alone. In peace. In balance”

- Was a note written down couple of months ago in my sketchbook. It has been a while since I wrote here, a lot have happened, a lot haven changed, miraculously!

Firstly my relationship with parents and whole family is now stable and well, and it has been like so for a while. The Algerian guy that I had arranged marriage with, fortunately didn’t left permanent damage to relationship between me and family. It all came quickly and left quickly. Thank God!

Shortly after that I had my big annual birthday party in The Moon for fifth year already. I can say proudly this year’s one was the best. 4 performers plus my stand-up. Went bold, threw my notes on the side and went impro. I never do impro. I always write a long speech and then follow it scrupulously. But this time was different. I felt free, I felt happy, the place was packed and I felt truly like Queen of the Night. My improvisation pleased the crowd abundantly and I could have not been more proud of myself. A well executed celebration indeed!

I have met so many wonderful people in past months and being socially active is not the only reason for my silence in here lately. My time is priceless right now, time for writing I spend mostly on studies. Yes - who would have thought that I will go to school! With all my anxieties and troubles. I made a big step forward and went learning Aviation and Aircraft. At first definitely hesitated, this is not really anything like I’ve done in my very colorful lifetime before. Yet there the opportunity was, in English language even. I hesitated, but took it anyway. “I can always stop if that’s not going to be my thing”, I thought. And for my huge surprise as I finished tests after tests with brilliant scores - I had to admit - I am actually good at this! --- People - go and explore, try things that you have never tried because you could be astonished like I was and perhaps find something that could change your life!

Nothing is hard if you are interested enough and aviation is definitely my biggest passion right now. Aside with modelling and a new Culture Club I just recently joined (bunch of cool people who do culture related stuff together), yoga classes, social life and spending actually good time with family leaves me with little time. And that seems to be working well with me. I’m busy enough to not fall into depressive thoughts. I simply don’t have time for it! Development might feel slow at times but comparing myself just a year ago, there is an immense difference. 

And now *Drum-roll* ... The thing that I have waited for 5 years, the thing that I have fought the most for, the thing that I had to have oh so long time ago, the thing that is my very human right to have, the thing that almost took me to grave, the thing that still kept me being strong enough because it was one of my biggest aims - is finally attained! I finally got my long waited therapy!!! It feels almost unreal to type it down. After mountains of paperwork, doctors, psychologists and other social workers, after almost losing hope. I really am serious it feels like a miracle. I am finally accepted for psychotherapy and have already had my first appointment. This is finally happening! Yes i know I am overusing a word “finally”. But hold your pulse! You have no idea what it feels. You have absolutely no idea... 

Finally I can truly say my life is really moving forward. A lot more stronger, I challenge myself more and more and every accomplishment gives immense satisfaction. All not just because I went to school, not just because I got my long waited therapy, not because of any other human being. But because what I have done for myself. What I have built. From Darkroom I have found my way into the Lightroom. And now, we are Lifting off.... !

So on Monday I got married.

Yesterday I got divorced.

I told my parents, my brains are “Cooked rice” right now. Please don’t let me commit wrong decision! Though they were very persuasive. Very. Got me on my naive spot and “sold me for camels”.

God damn! such a mess. and a very weird experience. I will tell you how arranged marriage goes:

First you meet a total stranger from a whole different country , with a whole different culture.

“If we’re gonna do it once, we have to do it right!” That’s what 20-something y/o kiddos think!

Love is nothing. Marriage is bullshiet. The only person you may love is yourself! UNless you’re a lucky bastard that stays together with your fist “Love”.

Faith! I had. Faith, I lost. He was the ugliest person I’ve met. And not ugly with the cover, Ugly with the soul. Pretending to be one while existing another. One man in front of my parents and a monster in front of me in private. I hated having sex with him. I hated being forced living with him!I hated every part of him. He was imperative with me, but a “good boy” in front of my parents. It was disgusting! It was wrong. It was a mental abuse. It was terrible.

Somehow I have been able to keep the state of mind I managed to reach to, after so many ordeals like I wrote in my past entry. Things have gone by the same trend. And I’m very pleased. Pleased with the harmony I own now in my head. Accomplishments and conquests. 

When last year was one of the hardest years in my adult-life then this year it’s been about finding the balance and learning a lot about myself and life in general. I’ve grown immensely and I say with proud - I love getting older. And wiser! Things that bothered or hampered me, things that I was too shy of or too anxious with are getting proper treatment and progress and I enjoy every obstacle I hurdle over. I grow stronger, more confident and more selfish in a healthy way. And I do not care if I won’t fit in people’s frames and boxes. It rather amuses me when I astound someone with the courage of being free, with being myself. 

It’s another sober period for me. Not for the doctor’s tests, not for someone, not for anything or anyone else than just myself. Just because I decided so. Because I want to. I only do what I wish, when it comes to how and what I should do with my body or health. Ain’t nobody’s business if I live healthy or unhealthy life. Whatever I do - I do it to myself. People who restrain me - disgust me. One should mind one’s own business!

Attained a perfect relationship between myself and others, I guess I should call them others now. As I’m done with restricting relationships and all the drama and headache that will follow with them sooner or later. Left the Marine. I couldn’t simply endure his jealousy and in a some weird way I never have much progress with men from this country. They all turn into... I don’t know what I should even write here. Into Men From This Country. I just don’t fit in those rules and ideas, however much I try. So I should stop trying. Thankfully things are good between us. When we see each other in the street or at the bar, we have a friendly greeting and I have no need to avoid him, nor have he. That’s how people should break up - in good terms. You discover you don’t suit to each other and that’s fine. Life goes on. No hard feelings. 

Not that I was looking (not that I was EVER in my life looking) for another one. But I thought on my own, this time Universe better bring me someone from somewhere else in the world. I do not seek for a fixed relationship, just a person to spend private time with. And the Universe heard me, but first it had to play some tricks on me. Let’s try out this homeboy from the country I am from. He is 22, silly, caring and funny. Few weeks of that fun when I admitted quickly this was just a thrill. I shall never go back to younger boys than the age I have. Especially now with evolving so fast, silly little boys, will always be silly little boys. But one can still have fun. Then a Spanish guy, nearly my age. Okay Universe - I see what you are trying to do here. I get it. Let’s move on now! Give me someone from even more further but please be generous with the age! And there he came - a 42 y/o man. Just as crazy, open-minded and adventurous like me. And where from? Baltimore U.S. BITCH! “Alright! Now we are talking!” I cheered. This summer have already been very adventurous and I’ve faced many obstacles which I’m tamed by usually with my anxiety or social-anxiety, OCD and whatnot. But I’ve spent most of my time outside, yes - outside! Without taking 2 hours before going out, I can get myself ready from bed with 30min. And that’s fast for a Lady like me! So the summer kept giving me more and more tasks and I played them with fun and satisfaction. And it all made me feel and be - Fit as a fiddle!

Even the heatwave didn’t break me down. I still got my dress on and went outside. I’ve never been too good with weather extremes, any reason to find to stay at home. This time, any reason I could find to go out! My best girlfriend Lara from my Homeland came to visit me for a weekend, we went to a Festival, easy-breezy. When usually I take half of the day to mentally prepare myself for crowds and crowds of people, dusty-filthy surroundings. Then now I just concentrate on the event and the fun and I leave my anxiety at home, I have no time for that. And so I had the blast with my girl at the Festival weekend. Just as I had blast and enjoyed new places with Baltimore-guy. He lives in a boat, another obstacle defeated, and God Damn Awesome! Just around the corner, just away from the city noises, in a quiet port. Warm summer nights, BBQ & Vodka-Latte. You hear nothing but the waves tenderly splashing on the edge of the boat, birds flying over the most beautiful summer sky. And a company that shares your mind. No boundaries! Thank You dearly - Universe!

While he’s back in the States upgrading his visa. I decided to get some things done here on my own. During this sober period, I’m re-arranging my own life and responsibilities. Next week I’ll have a new meeting with new-EVERYONE. New doctors, new psychologist, new health plan for a new opportunity for the Therapy (that i will never get Hahaha). I don’t have anymore expectations, I won’t let it drown me in the sorrow that it have for so many times ‘til now. I’ll just let it go as it goes. When you have no expectations - you can’t be disappointed, right! With or without the promising deceptive treatment that have rather done me more harm than help, I shall do things and live as best as I can with the knowledge I have. And adventures and thrill that keeps me excited. Keeps me alive. I guess one could even say... I am quite contented. 

Three appointments in three days. 

That’s how restoration begun. 

I was pretty down mentally and physically when I wrote my last entry. But I guess you gotta hit the bottom to start all over again. Life is like a funny computer game. I remember when I was a kiddo and loved playing Tetris, when levels got too easy, I would smash the blocks to bottom randomly before fixing them up, so the game would be more interesting, would give more tension, resistance. Thrill. My whole life have been seeking for thrills. Subconsciously. And now I don’t know any better. As with past weeks I managed to get my life back on track I also ended up picking up a new hobby that is definitely thrilling and highly dangerous. I’ve been past weeks sober, in order to balance my body and mind, but my soul has still life on it’s own. And now it feeds on speed and cars. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not talking about drugs! I’m back in zero-tolerance again as I’ve always been. I’m talking about speed that you can reach with driving a machine, an automobile. New friends, new hobbies. Right now there is nothing more thrilling than driving 200 km/h while being totally sober and feeling like you will have a heart attack any second. Or you will literally crash and be dead. Heh.. lucky i’m somewhat suicidal, so I don’t really care. But on those little seconds when you think ‘Oh MY God We gonna crash!’ in that small break in a second - I feel like I do want to live after all. Because the danger of death is as close to touch, it becomes a very real thing. And something you can not really control. Depends on a way you decide to take your own life you still have a backing up time. But not at a highway! And that pure sober adrenaline that I have been enjoying lately have oddly given me back a will to live.

Now going back on those 3x3 days when all this started. The satisfaction of accomplishment is one of the best depression cures. It’s not the pills (medication for depression like AD’s) that cure you, it’s your actions. It’s not how medicated zombie you are, it’s what you do with your time all in all. That’s why I don’t believe in pills. Essentially they’re just legal drugs. I believe in therapy. Fresh, powerful, motivating ideas and ways how to accomplish tasks in your life. Or how to simply enjoy little pleasures. It all starts from little things, you get up and do one, just one thing in your house that you have been postponing. The satisfaction will give you motivation to do more. It will come by it’s own. You just gotta give it a little push at first, to get the ball rolling. Eventually you get “high” on completing different obstacles that at first seemed impossible. First you get things done, secondly you boost up your mood and confidence and in the end you feel proud, guilt-free. Accomplishments. 

Sounds easy to say, right ? Let me tell you how I got my ball rolling. I knew I had appointments and responsibilities to follow, so I pulled my big-boy pants up and got myself outside. The scary outside, with people and places. Three places to be in one day, three days to follow. Everything on time. I executed them well, until it was an hour to meet a temporary social worker for my boring but important paperwork. Let’s say, sometimes you don’t click with another human being. And that’s that. This happens and it’s nothing to worry about. We don’t have to click with everyone. I think she might have lacked of social skills, because I got two panic attacks in her office, first one i dodged, the second one was unavoidable, so I had to leave the building at once. On my way back to home, counting minutes in metro, I got somehow frustrated about that unfortunate situation. I had still 2 appointment to follow after that one but I was fleeing home like a coward. Yes the understandable side of me accepted it. This happens, nothing to be anguished about, you can continue next day if needed. But I got frustrated because I felt like one unfortunate person in my day had ruined not only my mood but also my plans. And I love my plans. I love making lists, and following them strictly. How could I get the “high” of accomplishment if I will just let this happen and run away? As the metro drove in direction to home I suddenly got up and walked out. Not at my home stop. At the stop where was going to happen my next task. I was too mad to give up. I was rebelling! Rebelling against my own panic attack. Took all that anger and converted it into energy. Pure energy. Despite of awful weather, despite of panic attack and public & social anxiety, I was just a raw power that decided not to run, but fight back. And that’s how I accomplished the rest of the tasks. I did them one by one. I could have turned back to home any time I wanted, but I didn’t. With every step further, I gained more power. I was playing that life’s Computer Game with fury.

And in the end of the day I was yet again - proud of myself. It was all worth it. Perhaps that unpleasant person was a good thing after all. I try to find something good in bad moments. It sure was an efficient exercise served by life itself. And yes, there will be bad days where you don’t really feel like going anywhere and that’s fine too. But also there will be better days when you will have the strength to impress not only people around you but the most importantly - Yourself. One is sure, nothing will happen when you sit at home surrounded with your own haunting, overthinking demons. The most hardest thing to do with depression is going out, the most effective cure for depression is going out. I know the feeling of controversy. Yet.. No one will do and live your life other than yourself! Always, remember that.

What comes to my social life. If anyone can handle my sharp ups-and-downs right now being besides me then the Marine seem to be progressing in that area. Which is quite refreshing. I’m very used to the fact that it takes a few months for one to grow to know each other until you can see a person behind the mask. And I sure am one hard candy! Yet without words I feel how he really tries to understand me. We don’t have to talk about every little perspective and detail and a tail of the thought and idea as I’ve had to do in the past. It’s like a mutual understanding of each other. That’s something you can share only with a person who have seen life more than a regular bloke. Been in a long relationship as well. I’m glad he has kids from past relationship, because I sure will not reproduce. And I’m entirely aware that one day I still might fcuk this thing up. But I no longer live in the shadow of fear of that. I love the way how easy he makes everything. We just are. No restricting specific boundaries. All that corny nonsense that you have been copy-pasting from one person to another and in your brain you know it’s going to lead to nowhere. I am taking this one differently. Am lucky and grateful with a reasonable and understanding companionship. And enjoying while it lasts. And if one day shall be the last day, then that will be enjoyed in it’s full as well! 

You learn from mistakes. We all do. We educate ourselves with experiences and situations, with people and time. As we grow older we learn how to adapt and overcome. And the number of mistakes, which should rather be called lessons of life, varies from a person to person. We are all different. And that is okay. You should not race your life achievements with no one else than yourself. People in your life come and go, yearning for past will only do harm. Sometimes people come and stay, sometimes they leave, sometimes they are not worth of your time and energy. For instance I tried to stay friends with ex-bf, Sancho. I usually manage to break up in good terms. But sometimes it’s simply impossible. How ever tolerable I was with his quirks, he still managed to go full-psycho on me in the end and made it simply impossible to keep any communication in future. Sometimes I have to make a hard decision and just delete person from my life. As I have done it before. He played his cards himself, no one else to blame. And it’s not just that, it’s with everyone in your life. It’s acknowledging that your time and your energy is the highest value you own. And using and directing it in useful ways. My psychologist told me - I should be more selfish and learn how to say ‘No’. As I’m disastrously selfless when it comes to sharing my time with people. Sometimes I would promise to meet someone, or go somewhere just because I didn’t know how to refuse. And later suffer in all of my politeness. I think I’m getting better in not consenting the vibe. We should all be more selfish with our time. Only so little to spend in this chaotic planet. Shouldn’t we aim for complacency. And yet still be motivated to desire for more, progress, move on. Yet not to forget to stop time to time and feel and enjoy the achievements and little beautiful moments. For the life is never done, it’s never complete. It will keep on going with it’s beautiful chaotic ups-and-downs as it did before us and as it shall continue after us. Just like people come and go in your life, it’s just the same with the whole existence.

There’s miles to pass and I’m not in a hurry. Life changes in every second and for me personally it have been rich in colors, abundant in experiences, I’m curious where it will take me. And I’m happy to share my observations with my readers. 

I am once again in the verge of change. If that already hasn’t happened. I believe I have given a good push for this ball to start rolling. And I’m keen to pursue. The change comes when you want it for yourself because of yourself. I believe that is the most effective way. If you wish to change for someone else, then no matter how long you play this game - you will always be dependent of that person’s presence. Like I was once dependent of my ex-husband for so many years. Now after all those battles with life and myself I feel I have never been more independent like now. I’m able to fill my own tasks. And need no one to hold my hand. In past half year especially I have changed a lot, or maybe I should say - grown a lot. I am more selfish. And I will not drag anyone with me, nor shall i hitchhike on someone’s else’s back. I am what I am today. And tally with people and surroundings that make me feel home. That doesn’t mean one couldn’t obtain inspirations from other rooms. That is called healthy development, yes I just made up a new statement and agree with that thought of mine. I reflect and write about my own beliefs and views. I recognize and respect that people have different ways to create and cope. This right here is mine. 

--

Last night I saw a vivid dream that I saved the world. In this real life here, one should start with oneself. 

It’s 5 AM I woke up and made myself a vitamin-drink. A nice change from everything else, I suppose. Past days have been a roller coaster once again. Leaded with weird relationships and two suicide attempts. 

Saw my marine yesterday, we had a few odd past days. I was sick, oh so very sick. Damn mercury is acting up as a bit*h. My fever have risen up to 38′C and walking is funny. But I manage. I have to. Brother’s girlfriend was here too. We are totally out of money and cooking is creative. But we still manage. Because we have to. Marine gave me some hard time because supposedly he was missing me but I had my anti-social days. Whatever Sancho was, awful with everything else, he at least understood when I needed to be alone. He understood my anti-social days. The Marine, he’s gracious with everything else but terrible with understanding me in that particular thing. The most important thing. I need my own time. And I didn’t even have courage yesterday to tell him. That I survived two suicide attempts. It’s insane. I can’t even kill myself. I just. don’t. die. WHY? I just wanna sleep. forever. Failed hanging, failed poisoning. C’mon. In one day, you fail hanging, okay okay it IS hard actually (don’t try that !) but poisoning, what is my liver made of ? I just don’t. die. WHY? I’m so fed up with life. I’m so done. nothing is nice, nothing is fun. everything is just ...meh..

And yet there’s a Russian and Finnish guy who wants to date me. I’m telling them - I am already in relationship! They are just waiting, waiting disasters to come. I told them -  I am no good. I’m really not. Don’t wait for me. They still do. Silly humans. But what can I do. Maybe tomorrow I won’t even be here. What are they waiting for? That’s ludicrous. 

Past all of that I gotta also deal with family issues. Since my bro have been reckless I gotta clean up things after him. The stress I have right now is not even nearly explainable. Had visits in two hospitals just few days ago when i was sick. Oh the lines. Oh the symptoms! Apparently I’m not dying unless I have something terribly terminal, but at least not local. I have million appointments next week. And I’m already tired of living. But I gotta do. I gotta run and hurdle at least as long when our parents will come back, then I shall give that fleck away. Because somebody has to take care of my kiddo. And I cannot let him down. And nothing else matters. Gotta stay alive until that. I suppose....

I guess I’ll stay for a bit then. Because as I see, nothing can kill me. Unfortunately.

Interesting times again, I must say.

Therapy I had been fighting for a year now intensively, has been officially declined. It’s funny how they all promised me this should start last January, it’s June now, and I’m definitely the person who needs it and who has the right for it. Well here we are... And the stupid reason is that they didn’t see enough of my future plan in work and studies. See, the department that would pay for it, needs some proof that I would be a proper human being and their money wouldn’t be a waste. WELL! That’s exactly what I want - to fcuking be a proper human being and end my damn repressing unemployment status. I’m so darn tired of this! Tired of fighting for my basic rights. Tired of being a guinea-pig of system. If anybody would have told me about this mysterious official “plan” before, i would have already done that ages ago. But no one told me about it and I’m starting to believe the system wants just me to be at this status as I am for...ever. 

Well guess what! I ain’t going down that easy! I’m gonna dig so deep and go through every darn bureaucratic little detail to get what I value. Past half years have changed me a lot. I remember when I was a kiddo I envied the fighting power of my great-grandfather who would go far to get his rights, later I envied the same thing about my mother. I always thought that I didn’t get that gene. I guess I was wrong. I did get it, just took time to develop. And now I have it. You have no idea how depressed I was to get the declining mail. I even had suicidal thoughts for half of a second. Because I felt like I had wasted so much time for nothing, that ain’t right. And then it initiated. The inner power. The Power! My depression turned into raging fighting appetite. I am not going to hang myself because someone somewhere doesn’t appreciate me as a human being. Well then I am going to go to another someone and repeat, until I will get a goddamn official permission to live. This is my life we are talking about. My health, my future. If you are going to decline it is as good as pulling off the chair underneath my feet when I have a rope over my neck. Yes, as dramatic as I delineate. When you break a bone, you go to ER and get a cast, might take few hours to sit in the line but you will get it. I broke a bone and have been in ER now waiting for my cast for few years! Where is the justice?

With everything I have, my mind is going up and down. My physical is going up and down because of PTSD, anxiety, OCD, depression and still ongoing mercury poisoning. I look like a normal human being. But I work so hard to look like one. Inside my brain I’m an old-fashioned raging train going on maximum speed. Oh I will crash, been crashing ever since. But I will always get back on track and continue. Because... Well what else is on the menu? Suicide? Nah, there is still time for that. There are places to go, people to meet, things to do and battles to win. 

So how about from all the possible ways to kill myself I never thought about the slow death of mercury? Ahem.

As I was carrying for almost 3 days of quicksilver in my purse in hot places, I finally thought it was quite the time to clean up my belongings. While trying to tap on the shiny little things, I soon realized those little ones were nothing else than pure poison I had been carrying and inhaling in a very hot summer.

Apparently all those details count, because when I finally got a chance to get my intoxicated self to hospital, they had no idea of those old-fashioned intoxications anymore and had to make a call for smarter people. I think I did thousand of facepalms in my head at them as even I knew without googling how acute this quite is. 

Oh yes, if you don’t yet know about the poisoning of quicksilver - google it! It’s quite of a “fun”! 

Also incurable and mostly, as in my case - strokes will go straight to your brain!

(For example - you have no idea how many time I have re-typed last sentence because my motor-skills are not the best anymore). 

---

I had to talk about the troubles that were bothering me last time. Yes - I am still mourning, but since I don’t show it off, that time mostly belongs to an hour I am totally alone. 

Side things on this hectic picture: my ex is quite obsessively trying to get a hold on me, which I try to ignore, but since he’s a suicidal junkie, I gotta answer for some. A new person in life seems to direct me to be a person that I’m quite not (or maybe I am and just don’t see it yet) which I’m kind of tempted to but simply afraid that people don’t change. Jesus went to see the Wolfsschanze, I am still waiting for reactions & pictures, damn im so jelly and excited at the same time, but in a good way. A goddamn man goes on his motorbike to trip all alone and into the most exciting places! Sighh.. well, last year he went to the States, so that should be not of that big of a a deal. *shrug&chuckle* My parents are still in Algeria doing their Ramadan stuff. Goddamn, I miss my annoying religious parents talking Inshallah and Mashallah all the time. My brother have been in Homeland for almost a week right now, and since I live at his place right now (I don’t know how to properly water the plants so sorry if they a bit... dry) and I miss cooking for the fam. I just don’t know how to cook for one anymore. So I’m basically all alone. All alone with my “beloved” mercury poisoning. What a Wonderful Life!

Oh yes forgot to say, or actually... not surprised anymore - my therapy is going to be postponed until.. Allah knows when! It’s so stupid that I won’t even type it here why. You wouldnt understand those little details of the fukced-up system anyway. SO WHO THE FUCK CARES ANYMORE, right! I was supposed to start it in last January.... I guess, they didn’t just tell me which year of a January was it.

---

You know what. I’m not even mad anymore. I’m not. I’m just taking this life as it is - a beautiful chaos, as my friend used to say. It very well is one!

But hey - I almost can’t feel my fingertips anymore (one of the mercury’s poisoning symptoms) - but AM typing still!

Nothing can stop me!

I have been drinking for several days and I think my brother might be a bit edgy at me, even though he is playing it cool. He thinks i’m on a train again but the reality is the fact what’s bugging me for real is starting to affect me more and more. I have this tendency of understanding a loss only after some time and I can feel with every atom how it’s starting to give it’s affect. Constantly playing over and over the times in my marriage when we spend time with my father-in-law. I can’t believe he is gone. I can hear his unique voice in my head if I concentrate only just a bit. And the most saddest thing is - I have no one to talk about it with. My friends doesn’t know him, I mean the ones who live in this country. And we don’t mingle as much as we used to with my ex-husband anymore. So I have literally no one to talk about it with. So I guess this is the place that can consent me.

I was the popular kid yesterday again. Went to two bars and even not the main performers had the attention I did. It was so easy. So darn easy. I didn’t even try. It just came. Could have had any boy or girl, but went home alone. I don’t feel like flirting much right now. When in the back of my head there is another record playing. Nothing what I look like. It’s god damn grim. But you couldn’t say if you’d meet me. That’s how good of a faker I am. What a darn theater!

I don’t have time to mourn nor to be sad. Got a teenager to take care of, responsibilities to follow. A war to win and spring to conquer. Ain’t nobody got time for this! But it will happen, sooner or later. You can’t ignore it. I’ll be ready.

I wonder how it will play off. I shouldn’t though. 

I remember the morning, 5 am it was. My Grand-Dad was screaming FIRE!

I knew it before because I was the kid who ran down the stairs when I heard, “This is not right” voice from outside, when everyone were sleeping. My baby brother the next. I will never forget that feeling that takes your feet under your.. being. It’s UN-explainable. 

My biggest fear ever is, fire. Obviously.

We lost alot that day...

My baby turned 20 just an hour ago. It feels so odd and... and...

The feeling when you have unbiological baby. 

I grew You up. I will protect You. Always. 

And so will do you.

When the fire hit it’s higher notes, I just grabbed my little one and put him in to the safe. While watching the men doing it’s not-so-good work with the actual emergency. Now.. thinking back at this...

I was shaking with my whole body, I remember I was worried, if I can carry the baby with my shaky hands in this very moment or give him to my Grand-Ma. I just felt - I can’t , I don’t trust anyone at this very moment. I NEED to save them all. All my family. And how young I was...

And so I did! I did save my family. My very young’s OCD that wasn’t even near to diagnosed - saved us all. I was the one who heard the noise, who alarmed my Grand-Pa, who saved our house to be burned to the ground. And I carry and carry and carry this memory with me every night, every... every.

C’est la vie. They are gone now. My Grand-Pa died in cancer, so did my Grand-Ma. And so did...

I’m mourning right now because my ex-husband’s father died just couple days ago. I don’t want to write nor say “ex”.

He was and still is my Father-in-law for me and always.

The only family that accepted me from His side.

Oh how many times we went to the country-side with Jesus and his father. Just three of us. Listening to radio in the mornings, cooking breakfast, daytime passed with yard-works, supper, evenings with films.

Beautiful.

It was.

I wish I could reach J but am too scared to contact. 

This makes me come close to another breakdown I had with one of my main goals. Fresh news from Department of “Not-going-anywhere-ever”. It had to take only max 2 months for answer, that I have waited for 4 years. Now there are new questions and obstacles. Just last Friday I was in the office, I almost bursted in tears of ridicule. “This is not happening again”, I thought while playing the coolest pokerface ever. Oh Mon Dieu!

How long do I have to play this game more ?

I’m tired! Tired of all that bullshiet from people and promises and people ... and promises.

I shall be the most patient person on earth!

Fuck it, and Fuck it all!

I won’t give up. because now I can’t, I simply can’t and, won’t.

I’m a fighter and what I fight for is my simple and very humane rights. And I fight for my close ones. You wanna threaten me ?! BITCH Come at me! I’ll put you in that motherfucking house that is in fire! !

There is literally no one stronger than me at this very moment. 

Come to think about it... there is no one at all.

I can rest in peace. I have ripped down in pieces and I’m still alive. And anticipating.

On the positive note.. being single as I am right now have taught me well. I appreciate and respect myself a lot more than I used to. Which is well developing.

It is hard to look at few past posts I’ve written here. For my mind was not completely one at those moments. When I took a glance at my writings it made me even cringe, yet I didn’t delete them. Why should I ? I asked myself. Am I ashamed of the vacant language and deeds I’ve done? Do I care what people think of me when they read it? It is not like you can change the past or what happened. It is what it is. So accept yourself how you are and what you do. 

Astonishing how controversial I can be. I can confront anyone but can’t sometimes confront myself. Afraid of no one but I scare myself the most. 

So I’m not going to mind whatever or however I wrote. Those were the feelings at that very moment and they needed to be recorded. With limping grammar or temporary excitements administrated by bleakness or substances. I need to write down every thought that has a meaning or a buried logic. Record as much as I can before I deliberately or accidentally slay myself.

--

Astonishing how many and how diverse barriers I am put to run and jump over on my way. And I don’t even know where I’m going. Forward, just forward. 

Let me tell you something substantial. When I started writing this blog I had no idea I would be after two years here where I am today. Part of me hoped it would be a journey walking towards a better, more satisfactory life where I document my development. Those two years have showed me that there is no such thing! Even if you really pull yourself together there are events and things that won’t depend on you. Life can surprise you in the most unpredictable way. Change your plans and add on new obstacles. Make you do things you never thought you would ever do.

And what I think today is that it’s totally fine. It’s okay. If you assent the possibilities of suddenness. Because I tell you - things happen whether you want it or not. It’s how you attend and play on that moment of turmoil or how you handle the “post-war”. In here I believe it is necessary to be a little selfish in non-harmful way towards others. Let me give you an example I had to go through lately with. What I call - a Mania Love. 

With past relationships I have wondered how they end up very alike. A couple months of mirage and then falling hard. And it is not because it takes usually few months for one to get to know another one. That too of course. But what I mean in my case is freely said: “Feeling like, was I drunk the whole time I was dating?” Now digging a bit more deeper. In cases where one (or both) have medical issue, in my case mental disorder(s). Sometimes that one can misjudge the feeling it is felt during the relationship. I have wondered many times, through all of my life how come I truly believe to be in love with a person, and one day I wake up and feel nothing as if someone took that chemical away from my brain while I was sleeping. Now that my dear ones, is a result of Mania Love. 

Whether for bipolar or borderline personality disorder, in my case I believe to have a mix of those both (yes that IS possible!) and when I think to be in love with someone, that is really a coincidence of meeting a likable person while your mind is producing chemicals that makes you feel overstimulated and manic. Once those chemicals are starting to run down you will find yourself in a point where you don’t even know how the hell you ended up in here, thus feeling like you were drunk the whole time, even when you were physically 100% sober.

It took me quite many ex-s to get to that point, where from all of different options of a failed relationship’s reasons you find truly the right one personally for yourself. I recently broke up with Sancho. And that was the breaking through relationship that took me to this point. It helped a lot that we were couple of years friends before we one day randomly decided to start dating. For me it meant that I already have a respect for the person and he doesn’t have to “earn it”. Also that I valued his friendship that much, that before starting to do my usual what I tend to when I wake up one day feeling ‘Well this ride is over’ and instead of being honest I unconsciously start manipulating my relationship in a way that another would leave me instead of being that cruel one myself. I have to say again - unconsciously, because the main surface is still hoping for the impossible one, that maybe this time it will go differently. Maybe this time it will work. But it never does. Because it was not a real love. It was something that a certain condition of your brain played you with. So you were literally manipulated by your own brain. Hoping and believing for something unreal.

I have a hard time with hurting someone, I would choose anytime to carry the pain myself if I could spare another ones feelings. So when I got that terminal feeling being with Sancho it put me in a very hard situation where I’d have to make a decision whether with what I was used to or hurt someones feelings with a quick break up by confronting myself and do things differently this time. I have always had a bit of different connection with him because only when you have the same or same-a-like disorders you can really understand another one. So met him being totally sober and told him exactly how I felt. I was ready for any kind of reaction. That was an experiment with myself in order to find a better working solution for obscure situations like that. And for my surprise the outcome was far more satisfactory I was ready for. He understood me completely and was calm and on that very moment I felt I had jumped over another a truly BIG hurdle I have had with myself on that running track. We remained as friends like we were before.

Another interesting example was my recent experiment with drugs. Now I have to mention I have always been a very lousy drug lover, I had my couple of moments back in teenage years but then it stopped until starting dating a junkie. And because too easily accessible accessory on the table. While already running with mania, my brain producing manic love and bipolar wanting to satisfy its dangerous extreme adrenaline streams. That became a guilty pleasure. Well... to be honest not very guilty. Because I dodged the bullet of addiction but was really rather playing a Russian roulette. Drugs or alcohol became an energy to run with when I got bored. And boy was I bored! Mania doesn’t care how risky your ways are to find adrenaline, it just wants it and it demands it NOW. And whatever is the closest, is going to be played. Welcome to the wonder and madness of Bipolar life! 

On the other side of shore I was cool as cucumber, well cucumber with anxiety and depression of course but I didn’t need any extras to kill boredom. The other side for myself personally was even more destructible. It took me totally off from communication with anyone, anyone at all. I would silent my phone, stay offline from all the social media options. Lock myself in and rarely step outside. Perhaps only when I needed to get some groceries. Another harmful behavior appeared. This one is my long addiction of 10 years. The bulimia is far more dangerous as you think. As with substances you only have one day of hangover and you continue your life normally, then being asocial can lock you up for weeks or even more, while being totally sober and knowingly hurting your health. I did not do this for weight reasons I did not do this because I enjoyed it. I did it because. Just because. 

And I have wondered and tried to find an answer for the reason, now I might have a guess but I am still not fully aware. Even when BPD & bipolar are on their standby mode and mania is off the table, somewhere deep inside my brain there are still reactions going on. Whether it’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or wanting to have at least a little ruling of your life, it has chosen this way to express. I feel like I always need to have Something, whether its this or that but something is always playing in the background. I believe it might be for the reason I have never truly had a stable life, except some years of marriage, I’ve always had some kind of a “war” to deal with. Thankfully for that rare experience of marriage I do know however that I am able to have a stable life and even enjoy that without seeking excitement from shady places. But in order for that I would need to get that therapy I have waited for like a God’s revelation. And by this we get to my next point. The life in polyclinic.

I have already written before how hard and nearly impossible it is to get a right therapy in this country. I’ve been in my polyclinic now for 4 years and besides been falsely diagnosed and prescribed with oh so very wrong medication i have not gained any help from there. Changing doctors didn’t help much because I still have to go through all ridiculous obstacles the system demands and just yesterday when I had my another stressful appointment there I learned that they had forgotten to tell me a very important fact about covering the cost of therapy. Obviously if you are rich you can step inside a first therapy-center and pay loads for your mental health but since I have no other income than being unemployed (which status is caused by my illness and lack of treatment) then I have to rely on the funding from organisation of the government. And obviously it is made as hard as its possible, bureaucracy with this system is solid. It can be reached if you commit your life and energy on getting it. And since I have no other options, and is really the most important and only thing that is left in my life - my questionable health, I have to dance by their book. If I ever even think about getting somewhere or doing something in my life. 

I know I am supposed to be all sober, but look at the simple facts - how long this have already taken. Without therapy and medicine. Left just to deal myself and my disorders on my own as best as I can. I don’t blame myself for substances here and there. I do however manage to get to every appointment and accomplish all of my responsibilities. I only ask myself, for how long ?

If I see homeless or extremely drunk people in streets mumbling on their own and looking as they have lost their minds I don’t anymore think that this is a result for heavy drinking. These are people who were supposed to be patients in clinics taken cared of on RIGHT TIME. I could be there already or I could end up being there. I don’t blame people who were not as strong and stubborn in continuing impossible mission. I could end up there any day, or I could end up accidentally or deliberately killing myself. You can’t just leave sick people on streets and later blame them being loco drunk or high. There were reasons why they ended up in there. I guess that’s enough of reason for me to march on with those silly rules of system and let life to surprise me what ever happens next.

--

My last weekend was crazy, partly guided with mania. After my break up I felt like wild bird out of cage. I needed to find something frenzied. i needed to have furious sex breaking furniture and ending up in hospital with an injury. I needed something that would not be boring. And something that would take away my mind from that hard race I’m on. I needed to flirt with death and challenge myself. I needed to find new exits and discover new routes. I needed everything and anything. I needed to have fun with my Evil Twin Sister. I needed to do whatever The Fcuk I Want!

And I did. And also I broke my ribs, once again. Oddly I wasn’t disappointed or sad when I stepped down (elegantly by the way) from that train. I have already had broken ribs about 2 years ago so I knew the drill. You won’t get cast on your upper body but I choose not to take painkillers. Because pain is good, pain is your friend, if you feel pain - you are alive. And also you know how not to turn or move so you wouldn’t harm yourself more than you already are. So here I am, obtaining, obtaining and hurling and hurling. Every disaster is a worthy lesson. I am not sorry. Amazed by my strength and power. I am a true challenge. My whole life is a true challenge. And for some odd reason - I don’t mind it anymore.

As my friend commented on my ribs: “In Soviet Russia, broken bone is a minor injury.”  I agree.

IS time for.. ouhhh-laaaaa .. the Murrning!

[ When You get at home after partying bit hard and then trynna get ur life together and then fcking it up again but still going to see ur bf who is nice but the getting there is taking so much of ur mood down by outsiders that no drug will help u and at the same time ur fam is declaring you out. Also not knowing anymore what and why are u and what is the purpose in the end. And also sucking in grammar and sleeping too. Lit. ] - what a nonsense!

Don’t get too excited, not breaking up or anything, was talking in my last entry about my bro who is leaving for university in ‘all-sacred-land’. 

I’m lit. so stressed out, that I dunno how to act. My lil baby going in to the wild world. World where I can’t protect him. Yet.. I know He is going to be just fine while being the most badass in the club. 

Make me proud You, Oh You!

While fighting here with myself on BPD mixed with Bipolar.

Because reasons.

Which made me be atrocious.

I’m not punishing myself in my mind anymore. Because this time I was able to see myself from a-side, as I really am, and not just as seeming like.

Let me tell You... I didn’t, nor like, nor also probably will like myself at all. I haven’t done any of what a normal person should. Because I am not a normality. 

Never been, never will.

All I can do is adjust with this world as fine as possible. Aren’t we all just doing that precisely after all? And this is our very right.

So how come  we are still stuck with anxiety, depression, confuse, obsessive compulsiveness, ... , and post traumatic experiences from our past ?

Lack of professionalism, money and/or ignorance from the ones who should treat.

--

Real, hard controversy of time-being, withstands. Like a salt to my already aching existence: unfairness took another member of my family (meaning the ex-family, from past marriage doesn’t make it any less important). What matters - is a terrible feeling of being unable to do or help in any way.  What I have seen for three times already in my family and lost. Leaving them for the monster of terminal cancer. I have seen it for far too many times. It brakes my heart to see it again.

Furthermore complaining every darn day about my own miserable life while enduring. I feel ashamed. I wish I could trade my life with him because it would mean so much more for his sons and around. I wish I could trade my life. I feel so useless. 

Another example of unfair world, life, being.

What the hell are we doing here anyway? In some way I do envy religious people. They do, at least have a vision for meaning about it all. I have none.

Seen too much of destruction and misery to believe that there is a God(-like being).

Another day and another life.

I wish this night will last forever.

I wish You wouldn’t never leave! I love You too much. Though!

That’s why I have to let You go. My Little One!

Because This is The Best for You! I want You to be not here in this poisonous world doing and achieving nothing. Because that’s where we are all doomed to.

I’m happy that You have a way out. Use it!

Wish I had one...

I don’t. All I can do in this state is to adopt and stand.

--

So do that for both of us. My very deeply Loved one! My brother, my son.

--

I had an appointment in my polyclinic for mentally-funny-ones. And I just MIGHT have fcuked up my future for myself. Then again, to be honest I’m starting to believe I won’t get that therapy after all. No matter what I do.

I just have one question in my head rolling around and around. Why ?

How come I went to and had enough of courage to go at the first place, with all of it. 4 years ago. it was. and so far I have gained nothing. It’s such a cruel game with one.

Isn’t it.

--

I did. I did play all Your games. And executed them Perfectly. How else can You fcuk up my life now? I was dumb, maybe brave, maybe wise enough to mention another concern. Then again what else do I have to lose?

I have already lost everything that there is to lose.

--

I wonder how will next Level look like. Seriously in some odd way this is getting addictive. Or perhaps.. I simply can’t just anymore live in “normal conditions”. Perhaps.. I have been broken for so long that This has become Normality for me. 

What is Normality then, I ask.

I don’t even believe there is one.

Is funny.

How my bf is mocking me about my darn imperfect English grammar.

Babe, nobody finds ‘Grammar-Nazis’ fun at parties! :D

Is funny.

How long I have been sober and executed perfectly. Even though it is literally the most depressive and boring task ever. Ever in my life.

Is funny.

How I have neared with my brother lately. And it is just few more weeks before my Little One leaves to Medina and be learning in University it’s nearly impossible to get it, for.. max 10 years. I will be missing him like missing a limb, not kidding!

Is funny.

How He got that far with our past life and present. I am most proud! That’s the place where I feel, however good I managed to grow this little thing up, between all this war and hell, trying to do my best while being a child myself. I feel like He is my Baby. My Kiddo!

Is funny.

How my greatest fear moved to my city which I did not see coming, fooling my family and more. I don’t wish to speak about that person in more detailed who  established The Great Murder in my family [Topic so hard, will be told much, much later, if even...].

Is funny.

How sometimes Karma IS a Bitch! Isn’t it!

Is funny.

How I feel like Karma have punished me for all the matters and tragedies in the world. Even though I couldn’t even hurt a fly. (seriously, i couldn’t, i find it eww to poke such things, god bless my OCD! :D ) But it’s okay.. I’ll be punished for all of Your mistakes! Oh gosh, it almost sounded like talking about Jesus! Definitely NOT!. Not that Great!

Is funny.

How I saw Jesus (nickname in this blog for a certain person, if u dont know, read below, biiii....peaach, strawberries, cherries!) yesterday in The Moon where I havent been for ages because had to be boring and sober until.

Is funny.

How I enjoyed being there feeling like it was yesterday for last one. All my Dear Darlings! You... You make me feel like I could linger on in this miserable world for a bit more.. Just a bit more... I love every and every single one of You! And yes, I DO Love my friends more than anything.

Is funny.

How my health is turning against me in most hilarious ways. I well heard those stories how your body is going to give you a middle finger after you turn 30 and more. Didnt think it would happen to me! :D Haha, isnt this the most hilarious... (laughing hysterically ending with a tear). :( 

Is funny.

How I at least still dont have wrinkles and people mix me up with at least 10 years ‘Younglings’.

Is funny.

How I find it weird and funny.

Is funny.

How I feel that I have not just lived for 200 years more than I have. But much, much longer.

Is funny.

How I find it most comfortable. I literally DON’T give a FCUK about so many things! Actually most of them. Most of people. I despise people. They are stubborn judgmental “all-knowing” pricks of annoyance! Good God, couldnt you handle your Little Ones ? I also despise myself. I think I am a waste of space and being. 

Is funny.

How I still dream about ending it all and just quit as a lil bitch I am. I once said to my bf jokingly about some random topic - ”Oh I’m such a spoiled brat!”

He said: “Do you understand that You are seriously the very opposite of spoiled brat!”

After that I had nothing to say. Because in my heart I knew he was right. I just have the terrible way of putting myself in the most awful place in mind. Darn PTSD. 

Is funny.

How I adopted The Great Being Of Asocial(-ism?). How being alone with myself got most addicted thing I have ever, ever had. Please, forget about alcohol and eating disorder. Those were hardest but overcame eventually too. Drugs? Not even close. I truly think I am a weirdo who cant get addicted with whatever you see in those movies and shiet. I’m still like meh.. Just let me be alone!

Is funny.

How cutting people away, didnt achieve me no pleasure. It simply made me more and more depressed and sick.

Is funny.

How I have to live now with everyday fever and little annoyings like severe breathing problems and endless cough. Its like having never-ending Flu but not contagious. And my Docs say: It is Stress-related! Oh.............................. Why Thank You for the knowledge you will never get better because the stress wont ever melt. :/

...

Is funny.

How with all the time I was fighting against the one diagnose, I had to admit, this is it. I am Bipolar. Tho with knowing that there are so many different types of that disorder and I am most probably the mix of BPD & Bipolar, along with MDD, OCD and all the other super COOL shortlings of pure Hell on Earth. 

Now tell me more about how God is all forgiving and sweet!

Strawberries, cherries.

...

This time The Great Plan for The Final Solution will be different. I have dodged the destine so far with fooling myself. Now. I do not have this opportunity anymore. And yet, I still have that stupid, most stupid instinct. It rejects and dismisses my doings. Again I blame Them! 

...

You can’t get therapy when You are not a potential patient who gonna work work work. So all i l have learned with all of that BS time ive wasted trynna get better. NYEHH! We Like You As Never-ending Patient! 

All Ive been waited and put my energy on, I believe it was a waste of time. That polyclinic have fucked up my life and my marriage. So You gotta be sane enough to get help but if You sick... They just gon make you linger, and linger and linger.

There is no end for that cycle.

So I went with playing with their rules 100%. Let’s see where it takes me.

Did all they want. 

Everything.

Sober as an artichoke!

Fuckers told me to have me next tests JUST AFTER Holidays! Can You imagine In THIS country where Santa should be your Daddy!

FUCK YOU GUYS!

I am honoured to be Your guinea-piglet! Running in a wheel that doesnt take me nowhere. Seriously GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

I have sincerely no problem to be sober for amount of time to dance your mortal game. Its about principle! I want to have the ability to have MY OWN CHOICE to do whatever I want. Yea.. I can be sober, yeah, I can have a drink or two, yeah, I can drink myself mortal. But don’t do the BS game as putting me in the situation where instead of having it on my own, restricting me with the most cruel ways. 

Getting wasted is not in my attentions. I can purpose with no effort as my recent have showed. And it taught me, I am above it. 

It is not me, that is for the fault.

It is truly the people who make a lot of money with small time.

My disfunctional family is not the fault. The way how SICK patient is treated is the reason for us to be stuck in this system. I am not waiting for you to understand any of that. But let’s say, a person like me, WILL get it. Even living in a country that is supposed to be decent. Oh... *chuckle* My Sweet SummerChild! ...

So. I chose to be a-social. Away from everyone and everything. Because I know that there is something else going on. Was diagnosed Bipolar 4 years ago, tried to ignore the fact. BOYYYY Oh BOIII!

--

My life is more dramatic than in Venezuela’s soap opera!

A lot of shit going on right now with my fam. So much I’d need a lot of time and a better keyboard to type it all in. 

Aye! But my Bro is in a good place, My Partner is in a good place. Went thro hell and fire again. Still here. MOFOS! Still here! Nothing’s gon take me down!

Other else than myself alright.

Been planning another attempt of suicide but this one is a bit more complicated. Cos being sober for waayy too long and at the same time having a feeling that I at leaaast have to protect my fam as much as I can, so its postponed. Also I am in a relationship with a person that makes me not want to ditch it all in a matter.

I got still some time, I suppose.

A bit, more time.

The more older I grow, the more I understand that there is not going to be “Magical Cure”. You are what You are. I  equals if + if + if + if ... sharing time.

And if U got some prob.. with me doing what I do (read: trynna cope in this very moment that sometimes seems more than pure hell) YOU SELF RIGHTEOUS  ASSHAT! :D EFF U!

I chose booze a long time ago. If you don’t like what You see. Don’t look!

So I got rid of everything.

Everything.

What does make it me to be  now?

Same as ever. Still regretting the one and only thing I had in my life. Never getting back it. Being anti-social AF. Still getting to bed with whoever I want, still drinking too much. Yeah, too much. That’s what You say! Not me! The Magnum I was playing with, did hurt me after all. I keep on hurting myself. Perhaps I do not know how to be a normal? Perhaps I was never a normal anyway. I know that! They don’t. Haven’t talked with no fam, no best friends, no nothing! Am having nightmares of nightmares. There is a new field for the MF-s!

Thought I was off of them. I wasn’t. Haven’t slept, haven’t seen nobody. Fighting with myself and food again. This time bulimia is the hardest.My worst enemy.

The insomnia is back as well. I am sober yet what does it make me to be? Stuck with other addictions of self-destructive ways. I avoid people because I hate people. Just want to be alone. Alone is nice. I can be sober and just do my dark things. 

It’s BS! I hate it(too)! I hate it and myself and life as it is! It’s all about getting the morning to evening! I think back and miss some people. But they wont play with me anymore. I’m like a little kid who  is a misfit. Their realistic minds are their “parents” to tell then - you should not play with that kid! She a socio-psycho-mental-path. So I remain to stay alone. ‘d be rather alone than makes anyone miserable as I am. 

I woke up after being abused once again and cried like a little bitch I am and thought - well there it is - all they want is ur body and fun. Not ur mind. Ur mind’s sick. And that makes me sick!

*I can’t get no sleep*

Hey there’s Christmas coming yo!

My last Christmas were one of my saddest ones. I just had to move away from my last apartment cos shit’s apartment’s rent got too high. Had to live temporarily with my fam. Yet my fam highly religious. Not the Christian well-Hello-Jesus!-religious but Lets-believe-now-new-prophet-religious, meaning Islam. So I was doing nothing. I remember it used to be the biggest events and biggest get-together with my family on Christmas. Now they whether died, gone, other-religious or murderous bitches around. Aint no nothing! All alone once again.

Havent even talked to Jesus for a long time. Have no idea what He doing. Hope he better than me. Knowing him, it probably is. I aint gon bitch about my life anymore. Gona be just You and ME - G - R. Well take one morning to evening and pass the time until there is no time to pass.

--

Had 2 photo-shoot ideas. cant even do them cos .. reasons.

Why do I have it? Why cant I just pull myself together? It’s because im sort with my menu anyway because of my diagnosis. i cant eat. Food is poison and food is pain. Bet heeey : BE NORMAL, Be fucking normal! Don’t drink, don’t do stupid stuff, don’t eat, dont feel, don’t sleep, don’t be in relationship, dont feel, dont do nothing and yet do a lot with literally doing nothing. It’s as mad as it sounds. And I if outta be exactly as my doctors say - then i’d be nothing, nothing at all. a living beautiful corpse who would feel nothing and nothing at all. Do I wanna be that?

No!

Do I want to be mentally fcuked up as I am?

No!

So what do I do ?

It doesnt matter if im sober or drunk. Im still fucked.

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Im developing [--], I think. There are things I dont remeber i do. it doesnt matter what i consume. I made an ultimate test with all that soberness. I must tell u honestly - it as even worse. My BPD is becoming something else. Something I cant control. I have 2 sides of me. At least. And as unhappy i am with them, i also cant control them. Stuck. Stch AF!