The boy who sang rain

“Wha’ t’e phuck?”

Okay, bye thumb, you were comforting while you lasted.

“[..I don’t w-want to..? A-and.. I’ve been a-ac-acting horribly too. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I.. I’m really not good at this whole.. friend thing. I fo-forget that I have friends and I end up focusing on one person an-andd.. I don’t think coherently wh-when I fre-freak out. A-and I shouldn’t be saying this.]”

Nayeli sighed, dismally at that.

“…[Kai.. I just think that it;d be safer to ge-get-get to know each other first. We jumped into th-this thing all headlong and… now… it’s not good, to be blunt. You’ve told me about your backstory, you’ve told me all these horrible, awful things that happened and things you’ve done, but… I still don’t know Kai. I don’t know Kai, or who he is, at all. A-and.. and you don’t know Nayeli.]”

Shaking her head a little, Nayeli brushed her hair back, before sighing.

“[The real Kai is who you see now. A lying bastard without emotion who only acts accordingly to what he thinks he should behave like. I just... I just don’t get others. I’m unable to feel pain for them.]”

“[...The only reason why I care for you is because you’re practically the first one who considered me a friend here. It’s more of a pride-thing than genuine care. It’s more of a “I benefit from you so I don’t want to lose you”-thing.]”

He looked right into Nayeli’s eyes, blinking slightly. He didn’t even look ashamed-- he just... said what he did. With no emotion. 

“[I recognize that it’s a problem, and I understand that it’s not how a person should feel, but... I don’t know what else to do. I just... I just don’t.]”

He looked down, empty eyes focusing on his wounded hand. 

…………………………………………………..

After the trial, Nayeli was left alone with her thoughts. She couldn’t seem to comprehend anything after Aden speaks in trial, and she looks… blank, mostly. She doesn’t react to Aden coming back, apart from a quiet blink of acknowledgement. Any kind of people she sees, she immediately shies away from, and… she seems to have reverted to the shy girl that she was when she first arrived.

Making her way into the bedroom, the dancer flickered her eyes around the room, looking for any people around the room. Once her eyes settled on a specific person, she started, guiltily at that. Her shoulders tensed and her head ducked quickly. She quietly made her way to her bed, pulling her chest out and rummaging through it for a few seconds, trying to look like she was doing something with herself. She had originally planned to lie down, but she could just as easily curl up behind the bleachers.

Picking up one of her prizes, Nayeli squeezed the hand of the bear gently before picking it up and holding it close to her chest, settling her thumb in her mouth as she gazed down at her chest blankly.

It seemed like she was purposefully trying to avoid talking to Kai, but her quick glances towards him became a little too frequent, and soon she was gazing at him, an anxious and perplexed look crossing her eyes.

“,,,Hmhnhmm…”

“[...If you want to insult me or point something out, feel free to]”, Kai eventually said, giving Nayeli a tired look. His eyes were vacant as usual at this point. 

“[.........I have been acting pretty shitty recently, so you can say whatever you want - or not.]” He closed his eyes, remaining still. “[I can tell you’re not into the idea of talking to me. I never was a good bro to begin with.]”

@shslrubegoldberg

hi pate

art credit: x

Big Brother File:

Name: Huang Yi Chen

Time of Discovery: 3:30 AM

Location: Have Not Room

Cause of Death: Ballistic Trauma

art credit: x

Big Brother File:

Name: Ritsuka Kamata

Time of Discovery: 3:30 AM

Location: Have Not Room

Cause of Death: Exsanguination

Two bodies. Bloody deaths. Why? Why did this continue? Why was this going on? The scent of iron and salt assaulted your nose, but at this point, who wasn’t used to the scent? Nevertheless, the sight was still horrible. Two lives gone- and there was nothing you could do about it…

Or was there? Never’s voice cackles throughout the house, as if she was always awake during these wee hours of morning… and she announces with a cheery voice the nominations for this week.

It’s not working. I suppose it’ll never work for her, then. The students may be ever living. But Naomi will remain ever dead.

So i decided to draw the memes again…..because yumikai is good.

YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD IT BAD, HUH? NEWSFLASH, NAYNAY, YOU’VE HAD IT PRETTY GREAT COMPARED TO HIM.

She tries to process this, thoughts flashing across her mind, too fast for her to comprehend them. She couldn’t bear this.. she couldn’t.. she couldn’t…

“[Kai.. I.. This sounds so fucking pointless, but.. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that all that shit happened to you. It sounds horrible.]”

She just listens to him speak, her brows furrowing in concern for her friend, worry for her friend, and just a sense of sadness for him.

‘Really? You want to care for me of all people? You really want to claim I’m a good bromodachi after all I’ve done? Honey, I’ve done so much shit in this world, I’ve shat on innocent people because I didn’t understand that I was in the wrong, I’ve broken hearts and– I’m just not someone you should want to be friends with, goddamnit!’

“[B..but you are, Kai. I… the past is in the past. We can dwell on it all we like, but.. we can’t change it. You [[REDACTED]] on accident. It happened. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes reasons we can’t explain. It’s awful. It’s horrible. We can’t help that. At all. I’m so sorry that it happened to you, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want to be there  for you when you need people to stand by you.]”

She rubbed her forehead. Hard. 

“[You shouldn’t be rotting anywhere. You’ve had it hard.. but.. but killing yourself, and wanting to die.. it isn’t the answer. It never is. You have so much potential, and you can use it. I know you can. I believe in you, Kai. I believe in you and that’s all I can really do.. and I just…]”

And with that, Nayeli shot forward, and hugged Kai again. She couldn’t do anything but that, it seemed. She just hugged him, her arms draped over his shoulders and her knees knocking but she didn’t care, she didn’t care, she didn’t care.

She just.. wanted him to be okay. She wanted to try and help him be okay. She just..

...Oh, oh no... What had he done? 

Suddenly tears spilled from his eyes and he cluthed Nayeli’s shirt, burying his face in her shoulder. And he wept. Ah, what a pain. It was really annoying, bothering him constantly. Some part of him felt warm thanks to Nayeli, but...

He’d made her like him by acting nice. He had no way of reversing that. If only, if only he’d just been himself, then she... then Nayeli wouldn’t have to suffer with him. She could just hang with Ru Hui and not care at all. She could care for people who actually deserved it. 

...He really wished he was just invisible. Or better, nonexistent. Maybe someone else could’ve been a better child to his parents. Maybe they wouldn’t let everyone they’d meet down. 

When he fell onto the grass and began to wheeze and choke and beat on the grass..calm down Kai shes fine…you’re fine…

“Kai…please…don’t hurt yourself…your hand is already hurt enough….please….I don’t want you to hurt yourself…”

She was panicking now as she tried to move to his side again, sorry Kai shes worried. She just ran her hand through his hair gently…and grabbed his non-injured hand from harming himself. She knew how this worked. He needed to get it oout of his system but she didn’t want him hurting himself.

“Kai. I understand. Please don’t hurt yourself though, you shouldnt’ die Kai…I love you…I really do…Please don’t say you should die…ive already lost everything…I…I can’t lose you too…please….please…”

She took a shaky breath…

“You didn’t hurt me I promise…it caught me off guard but I’m fine…I never explained it to you anyways….I should….I should though…..I know I told you I have [REDACTED] but I never…explained the rest of it from…fear…of you…pushing me away….”

She took a deep breath in hopes he was calming down….

“I….I __________”

But really... He really shouldn’t attract attention to himself, should he? He should just be good and support her. He couldn’t be selfish here. He’d caused her enough worry and sorrow, the least he could do is at least pretend she’s helping him somewhat. Even if he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, even if he wanted to yell that she only made him feel worse, that hearing the details only reminded of how awful he was-- he just took a deep breath and forced himself to fine. 

“I-it’s fine, t-totally fine, i don’t-- i couldn’t-- dislike you, I mean, look at me, right? Wh--hhhhhh-- w-who would like a hypocrite, but I am one anyway so not much to save there, hahah, hah-- hhhhh--”

For granted, they had different problems. But to clarify: it was not her that was rolling in grass, clawing at their neck struggling for air. 

“...I... I c-could... N-never push you away ‘cause something you did o-- or something that you are, I just--” He wheezes again. “I just-- r-really am shit, I don’t think I deserve you a-at all, I-- I’m so sorry, sosososorry--”

He hates it for a good reason….but does that also mean…..he hates her? Shes done it….hell she just got done doing that to Eri. So does that mean he no longer wants to be around her…she shook though thought to the back of her mind with the rest of her self destructive thughts and just focused on him.

“You’ve treated me right, I can promise you that much. I haven’t thought different of you at all…I still love you.”

I wish I wasn’t some asshole of a lunatic

Oh. He…he doesn’t like… [REDACTED]. Oh.

It’s fine. I don’t like myself either. It’s fine. Itsfineitsfineitsfineitsfine.

Without even flinching or showing signs of distress she just hugged Kai a little tigheter….

“You…aren’t an asshole lunatic…to me..”

...Ah, those reactions. Of course. She had medication. He forgot. And he just--

A sob escaped his lungs all of a sudden and soon it escalated into something... disturbing. A laughter that hiccuped with each breath, his body shivering like no tomorrow. 

“I-- I chn at-- h AH! I’m-- I sa id a bad thing again-- o hhh my g OD I’m-- h AHAHAHA”, he wheezed, the mix of sobbing and laughter causing him to topple over and tear at the grass. Je sus--

“I can’t-- I can’t even treat you right, what fucking hope do I-- H ahaha HAHA I should just die, sh ould ve rotted away in Aok igaha ra like I int ended to, stupid Kaoru, stupid--! you should’v ej sut-- hEEH”, he kept sputtering and wheezing. 

He’d hurt her. He’d made her feel even worse. He was awful. He should leave. He shouldn’t be near her. He should just die. 

“… [I care about plenty of people, okay? You’re just one of those people I care about especially. I d-don’t want to hate anyone. I’m.. i I just want you to be okay, Kai.]”

A secret..? Nayeli couldn’t help but feel her skin prickle with the word, and it made her feel a little sick. She couldn’t say that, no.. no, she couldn’t. She just needed to.. listen. With a careful sigh, Nayeli catches her breath, and leans in close to Kai.

“...y’might wanna sit down for this. Probably not next to me, though.”

And then, with a slow inhale, he began to dump all of it on Nayeli. All of it. From start to finish. Obviously this is a gigantic [REDACTED] here. 

“[You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me, Kai. Do you seriously think I hate you? Do you seriously think you’re a bad bromodachi? Because you’re not. You never fucking were, Kai. You were my first friend, for fucks’ sake! And yes, I fucking admit that I want someone to care for me, and as I found out, people can care for me! And I’m glad because of that! But you know who I care for? FUCKING! YOU! I care for you no matter what the fuck you say, because you are my bro, and being a bro means that I’ll be there for you! I want to try to be there for you so fucking much, you don’t even know!]”

Her voice is trembling, and she’s so angry, her thoughts are perfectly articulated and ready to go. She’s ready to speak, and her stutter won’t hold her back.

“[You saying that was an accident. I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to.. to freak out. It happened years ago, it’s unimportant. What’s important here is you. You are not an asshole to me, stop fucking!! Calling yourself one! You’re amazing, Kai, okay? You’re the first person I didn’t freak out around or make cry in my first day here, damn it! You are the guy who holds that special place in my heart, okay? I care about you so fucking much, and I want to fucking! Help you!!!]”

She stops when Kai mentions that she shouldn’t bother with him. She doesn’t know what she’s doing, but her teeth are gritted, and she grabs Kai by the shirt and raises her hand, giving him a sharp SLAP across the face. 

“[I’M NOT ABOUT TO FUCKING GIVE UP ON YOU NOW, KAI! YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING OKAY? YOU’RE NOT FUCKING POISONING ME. YUMI-CHII DOES NOT LIKE YOU JUST FOR YOUR SPEECH AND YOUR BODY. SHE CAN SEE YOU’RE A GENUINE FUCKING GUY, WHO LOVES HER! YOU HAVE TO FUCKING TRY TO BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT YOU ARE AMAZING, AND WONDERFUL, AND THIS GAME IS WHY YOUR THOUGHTS ARE GOING LIKE THIS!]”

Breathe deeply, and clench your fists in his shirt, staring him right in the eye. Hot, furious tears have ceased falling, and dry on her cheeks as she tries to compose herself.

“[You. Are my bromodachi. I. Am staying by you. I care for you, and I want you as a bromodachi. Okay? This is my choice, and you can’t change that.]”

His mind blanked out with the slap. 

He just stared at Nayeli. Ah, when was the last time he was slapped...? A week before being taken to the Big Brother house, if he correctly recalled. He’d made it clear to the girl (whose name he never bothered to remember) that he was only in it for one night. She thought she could charm him, and got mad when he didn’t keep contact. It hadn’t been his fault, but she blamed him regardless. Of course she did. Who wouldn’t want to slap him? Even his bro wanted to.

“...Heh.”

He only lowered his head after Nayeli finished. He cradled his hurt hand, staring at the blood absent-mindedly. He’d grown used to it already. Weird. 

“[.........You really have no better person to care about?]”, he mumbled. “[...I won’t stop you. Even if it would be better for you to just hate me, you do what you want to do.]” Tears still kept streaming from his eyes. It was kinda... exciting, actually. To have someone so devoted to you, even if you knew you didn’t deserve it one bit. Ah... If only she knew how horrible he really was. ...But, speaking of which...

“[...............Hey, wanna hear a secret?]” 

“I’m glad she fixed your hand, you needed it…there are some things I’m just not qualified to do but I did my best from what my mother has taught me…I hope I didn’t hurt you in the process though…despite splinters being awful”

She didn’t ask why he punched the podium…hell she would have too and done much worse. Oh wait she did, she killed someone and had next to no remorse…despite missing Eri. She wasn’t any better than [REDACTED]

“I wouldn’t either, after what she has attempted to pull time and time again, people falling for her deals like it’s their last hope..”

She wiped her tears from her face again, finally ceasing from falling for now…it was about time her head was pounding from the crying…

When Kai said what he did she kind of tilted her head at him before scooting closer, being careful not to touch his injured hand and wrapping her arms around him in a hug before kissing his cheek.

“I love you Kai, people can say some bad stuff, even I say really bad things…I think really bad things…the trial was awful and I didn’t feel very bad for much of what I said. Eri had to die, Ru Hui didn’t want her to.”

She looked at him again, these two didn’t get much sleep but Yumiko still smiled at him..

“You don’t need to be sorry for something like that though, I love you…I really do”

Kai took a deep breath and exhaled, leaning against whatever was behind him. He didn’t particularly care for his surroundings anymore. 

“...I just... I can’t stand the idea of people just... throwing someone aside for someone else. I mean, I do it too, sometimes, but... That’s why I hate it so much.” He clenched his healthy hand into a fist, glaring down at it. 

“I really can’t stand myself”, he said with a sullen laugh. He leaned his head back, looking up at the artifical “sky”. He really just wanted to disappear. It would be better for everyone if he did. It really would. 

no? (: