Jean Cocteau - Sommeil Hollywoodien (1953)
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Jean Cocteau - Sommeil Hollywoodien (1953)

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"Growing Around Grief"
Lois Tonkin, 1996
This is the most important thing I’ve learned about grieving. It never goes away. Time doesn’t make it smaller. Time, if you do the work, makes you bigger. Self expansion is key. Self expansion through creativity and passion and communication. My grief used to be all of me. Now it is a part of me. An important part, but just a part. I love this visualization so much.
Also, the universe sent another stray cat our way. He was living between two rubbish dumpsters behind the supermarket. We’ve called him Augie, after The Adventures of Augie March.
4th June 2024
On bed rest again, with a flu this time. I might be imagining this but I don’t think I used to come down so hard with viruses? My hunch is that previous covid infections have lowered my immune system or something. The fever has been the worst and makes me kind of delirious.
Eleanor reads The Faraway Tree to me when I’m bored. She has a really nice reading voice. I try to fix all my attention on the story and go to that place I could easily go to in childhood — the suspension in imagination and narrative. I wonder if this is a similar kind of place as Janet Frame’s mirror city?
Strange to think I would otherwise be with clients right now, hearing their stories of grief and hope.
Observar es estar y no estar, o tal vez estar de una manera distinta.
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8th January 2024
Always a hair’s breadth from death. And then it comes crashing in, bringing terrible agony and peace.
virginia woolf's 1931 new years resolutions : "to have none. not to be tied. to be free & kindly with myself. sometimes to read, sometimes not to read. to go out, yes—but stay at home in spite of being asked. as for clothes, i think to buy good ones."
beautiful fall leaves at aoyama gakuin university.
昨日青山学院の素敵な紅葉を見てきた。
Hiroshi Yoshida - Mount Rainier, color woodblock print, from the series The United States, 1925.

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May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude
A kitten came to visit me in my apartment last night, and insisted on cuddling me. 🫠
“The exercise of imagination is dangerous to those who profit from the way things are because it has the power to show that the way things are is not permanent, not universal, not necessary.”
—Ursula K. Le Guin
24th August 2023
Right in the middle of and trying to capture a moment of floating outside of time and untethered from all the narratives I've constructed my life with/through.
Sitting here drinking my morning tea and reading what on any other day would be interesting to me and instead thinking it is all so silly. Distracted by white butterflies outside. My skin prickles and I sort of move outside of the constant grip of rationality which is embedded in my psyche and hover over there with the insects for a moment.
Everything feels peaceful. Is this how my cat feels?
23rd August 2023
Some afternoons I just need to walk somewhere, anywhere, even if it's not-beautiful -- past random shops and into unfamiliar neighbourhoods and along train lines and down long, dusty alleyways. I didn't know before how much my mental health depends on having access to open, green spaces. The things you take for granted! So I am just walking, walking as a form of care and discipline, even if I can't get beyond the sound of highways.

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21st August 2023
Happy for the plants that it rained.
My ethics/irb application has finally been approved and I can start recruiting for interviews here in California...!
When you have an impossible list of things to do yet lying on the couch all day with period pain becomes the most urgent thing.
Joan Didion, writing about the shock that followed after the death of her husband, John.