endangered species comin' through!

“I kinda wish something could happen, between us, romantic styles.”

“You can’t handle the me!”

“Forget your ex, have meaningless sex. It rhymes because it’s true.”

“The English language cannot fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts, so I’m incorporating Emoji into my speech to better express myself. Winky-face.”

“Yay, enemies for life!”

“It’s the most fun day of the year, something you wouldn’t understand because you’re not programmed to feel joy.”

“Almost makes me wanna take things seriously all the time, but then I’m like, ‘boobs, farts, boobs, whatever.’”

“He is a sea-witch in disguise, do not sing into his shell!”

“I cannot believe that I’m considering a non-violent option.”

“I’m gonna punch him so hard in the mouth that he bites his own heart.”

“Blink twice if you’d like me to mercy kill you.”

“I feel like I’m the Paris of people.”

“My mother cried when I was born because she knew that she’d never be better than me.”

“I am flummoxed! That’s a word I learned for this party, and I am it!”

“No staring at your phone, no rolling in two hours late, no sweatpants, no jeans, no shorts.”

“I’m fine at parties. I just stand in the middle of the room and don’t say anything.”

“The greatest thing that could ever happen has just happened.”

“Chop-chop. There’s plenty of embarrassing to do and only a few hours to do it in.”

“What’s the safest way to set a car on fire?”

“Space is scary! You saw what it did to Sandy Bullock!”

“Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac.”

“Ugh, she never smiles. Is her mouth broken!?”

“Hey, you like spaghetti? And weed?”

“I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that’s right, ‘cause it threatens death!”

“That’s right! Just kicked Santa in the testicles.”

“Guaranteed train-wreck. Thanks for the invite.”

“Can we please eat?! My body is starting to digest itself.”

“Yeah, but that was before I knew I could get up on this high horse. Love the view up here. Clip clop!”

“Turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton re: her sex tape.”

“Don’t give candy to a baby! They can’t brush their teeth!”

“The inside of your cheeks are very sensitive. It’s like the inside of your thighs, but with tongue.”

“But seriously, what’s your favourite Jay-Z song?”

“Shhhhh…turn off your mouth siren…”