Declogger

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Stephanie, to her supervisor: I don't care if the President herself calls. If it's past five P.M. I will not be here.

*phone rings*

Stephanie: Thank you for calling Wayne Insurance, Gotham Division. My name is Stephanie. Before I can assist you, I'll need your policy number.

Stephanie: Ah, Commissioner Gordon. What can I help you with today?

Stephanie: Auto insurance claim. Wonder Woman's shield took a sideview mirror clean off your vehicle. Well, sir, the Wayne Foundation will actually cover weapon-related repairs if—

Stephanie: ...And then Superman lifted the entire car and threw it at a spaceship. Yes, sir, I can help you with that claim.

Stephanie: Commissioner, I see here you live on 57th. That wouldn't happen to be 57th and 11th, would it?

Stephanie: 'Kay, I'm gonna get you set up with a renter's claim as well. It appears in an attempt to wipe out a horde of aliens, the Flash and Green Lantern shattered every window on the street.

Stephanie: Yes, sir, it does appear they were successful and now they're headed toward West End.

Stephanie: Yes, sir, West End and 65th. Would you like me to go ahead and start a claim for your safehouse on that street?

Stephanie: Yes, sir, I'll get those processed right away. Thank you so much for calling.

*call ends*

And they all think, "Hey, this is a good game for bonding, strategies, and stealth training!"

The justice league is coming to visit batman, asking for the sample they need from the past missions. at first they just spend some good hours listening to batman lectures about the goo, and now they're in front of a round table with a roulette in front of them. along with the other batkids.

Barbara smirked, "Okay ladies and gents, welcome to the Wayne's Russian Roulette!"

the table split open, revealing a kryptonite bullet, a flamethrower, can of yellow paint, a rope, and a frozen bomb stolen from mr. freeze.

to their surprise, batman also throws his utility belt to the table. dick with his electrical sticks, Jason's guns, Tim's stick, and Damian's katana.

Barbara accepted them happily. "now then, shall we started the game?"

Spoiler alert, they don't.

Somehow, the league never notices when it's not Bruce under the cowl, or at least that it's not the same person they all know.

Like never.

______

Hal: Hey Bats, you look taller today.

Jason, determined not to lose: hm

Hal, sensing danger and immediately backtracking: uh, that's not to say you don't usually look tall, I mean you just look taller today, um did you change your ear thingies?

Jason: *Batglare intensifies*

Hal: uh, I'm just gonna go

_______

Aquaman: you've been quiet this whole meeting, Batman, even for you.

Cass, currently wearing shoulder pads and absolutely insane platform boots: *a fim huff of breath*

Aquaman: right sorry, I forgot you were dealing with another mass break out from Arkham this week, you don't need to stay for the whole meeting. We know you probably know everything already anyway

Cass: *nods*

_____

Flash: Morning Batman. *zooms past*

Duke, absolutely befuddled:

Duke, quietly into his comm: you'd think the speedster would have the time to notice

The several batkids on the other side of the line: *laughing hysterically.*

Dick, wheezing: just do the thing where B tucks the lower half of his face into his cape like he's Dracula. You're doing great.

Batman, pouring coffee into his cup listlessly, looking more depressed than usual:

Hal: What's up with him? He's been like that all morning

Clark, whispering: Robin left on a mission with the titans

Hal, in a deliberately loud stage whisper: So Bat's got empty nest syndrome, huh?

Bruce:

Hal: Get it? Empty nest, because he's a bird-

GL: "yeah, these are [£¥π§&], they are weirdly obsessed with dance, so they demand a dance battle to prove humans are sentient, otherwise, we are fucked"

Superman: "what do you think, bats?"

Batman: *visibly unhappy* "hrmm"

NW: *very happy* "is this what I think it is?"

Batman: "kids, get ready, we are using plan 253784884863+"

NW: *beams* "yeah! I been waiting for this!"

RH: *sigh* "lets do this"

RR: *puffs chest* "my time to shine has come"

R: *unusually happy* "hmph, it's time I remind everyone why I am the superior Robin"

Spo: *jumps* "fuck yeah!"

BB: *already wearing ballet shoes*

Sig: *makes shades with darkness* "bring it"

Damian built an aquarium in the Batcave for all the fish he rescues from Gotham Harbor

Barbara plays Minesweeper in between her Oracle work

Bruce confiscates stuff from the Justice League members when he catches them messing around during briefings—so far he has 12 fidget spinners, 2 lanterns, Clark's phone, and the boxing glove arrow

For @ketchup-monthly

Batman: They don't bite Green Lantern

*rabid bird noises*

GL: Yes the fuck they do!

~an hour later~

Nightingale: They do bite

GL: *hovering just out of reach* Well, I know that! Why would Spooky lie about it, though?!

Nightingale: *looks behind GL to Robin crawling up the wall to jump down on him* It wouldn't have mattered. They'll get you anyway. He doesn't have rabies, though so plus.

GL: Wha- *strangled cry as he falls to the ground with Robin biting his arm*

‘ 10 year old Timothy Drake drowns during a family outing on the Drake Yacht’, is what the headline read. Poor Timmy Drake had wandered out of his parents sight and fell overboard after taking off his life jacket, his body never found, his parents devastated. The six year old newspaper is crushed in the fist that had held it, crumpled under the fury that radiated from the reader. Timothy Drake did not drown. He was sold by his parents when he was 10, and ended up in the clutches of CADMUS, where after years of torture he escaped after finding a new friend there. “ You alright Tim? Ready to head out?” Called the voice of another teen behind him. “ Im good Kon, and yeah I’m ready. Time to raise hell.”

Bruce using his Brucie persona during a meeting.

All the Batkids wearing the cowl at some point, sometimes even switching in the middle of the watchtower. (The Leaguers are very worried when Batman is suddenly only half as tall as he's supposed to be, only topped by Babs' turn, which she uses to educate them on accessibility and the issue of people infantilizing disabled people.)

Alfred as Robin.

Bruce rotating through all his colourful costumes, starting with the entirely pink one.

The Batkids stealthily following Batman with a speaker playing the Batman theme on loop.

Tim as Caroline Hill waltzing into the watchtower, doing something, and leaving before anyone has gotten past the confusion. Nobody figures out what she did, the only reason they're not taking the whole watchtower apart and try to find her is because Red Robin says he got it. (He didn't do anything, it was purely for show.)

Batman walking around with his cape wrapped tightly aroudn himself. When he reaches for something a veritable flood of cackling gremlins spills out and immediately disappears in the nooks and crannies of the tower. Batman yells about a containment breach. The cackling continues the whole day.

Dick, Babs and Tim setting all monitors to speedster speed only when the Flash is around. They somehow manage to only have him around other people in rooms without monitors and convince him that he's lost his speed.

*At the Watchtower*

Dick:*just trying to stir up trouble* Hey, do you ever wonder what happened to all the missing kids.

Barry: What?

Dick: You know, a lot of them are taken. Maybe killed. But do you ever wonder what really happened to them?

Hal:*pauses* I-I don't know...

Dick:*completely serious* I think the government kidnaps them and experiments on them.

Barry & Hal: *blue screening*

Clark: *To Bruce* I know he's adopted, but did he somehow inherit your parania?

Bruce: The first one.

Hal, whispering to Diana: That's Nightwing, right?

Diana: Yes

Oliver: You answered that quickly.

Bruce: Asking which one is best at being Robin is just asking which one is best at being Nightwing.

Barry: Supes! do you understand him?

Clark: Nightwing defined what Robin is, Nightwing and Robin are one in the same. You can't get better at being Robin than him.

Hal: I thought Batman defined what Robin was?

Diana: You're sorely mistaken.

Red Hood from where he is vaporizing into the shadows: Then retire.