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so don’t get me wrong because a lot of arthurian stuff is super misogynistic. but it’s never really in the damsel in distress way you expect. like the most helpless damsel is lancelot trapped and crying in a tower, completely useless, until this random girl who made him behead a guy in front of her fifty pages ago rolls up with a pickax and rope and is like “ok I’m minecrafting you out of here.” and this works.
Another direction you’ll see this go is, like… okay, so in Arthurian texts, violence is very much The Province of Men. But women often want violence done for one reason or another, so they’re out there asking knights to fight such-and-such for them & the knights are of course honor-bound to accept under certain conditions, which by genre convention are easy to engineer.
All of this means that one of the standard female roles in Arthurian romance is “quest-giver”. And in some texts, this can drift from “these are damsels in distress and the knights must help them in various ways” to “it kind of seems like the women are the ones who actually know what’s going on & the knights are just being led along to wherever they’re supposed to be”.
It’s still ultimately an example of misogyny and strict gender roles, but it ends up often looking pretty different from the stock “damsel in distress” scenario people expect.
...Is the woman in Arthurian myth who Wants Violence Done but must conscript a man to actually do it the literary ancestress of the modern Femme Fatale? Discuss.
She slipped into my office that night like a demon into the mind of a pious monk, seductive and dripping with heresies. Her gown and headress were of rich silk befitting a maiden, but her eyes were cold and sharp as the executioner's sword, and her lips as red as the apple that tempted Eve. Her legs, presumably, went all the way up, but the aforementioned gown was floor-length, so it's hard to say. Also she'd ridden a horse into the building for some reason, which was quite distracting.
"Sir Knight," she said, dismounting and retrieving something from her saddlebag, "I have a job for you." She tossed a severed head onto my desk.
I peered at the severed head. It had noble features, and had managed to land exactly on top of one of the stains left by previous severed heads. "How did you find me?" I asked. "I swapped my red shield for a blue one; the disguise should be impenetrable."
"The hermit told me where you'd be", she answered in a voice like the bells on a horse's harness before battle.
That tracks. Those hermits are always poking their noses into my business. "How may I serve you, fair lady?" I asked. "I'd kneel, but my armor's gone a bit rusty in the legs."
"The Baron D'Iverjoure has slain my lover," she said, gesturing at the head, the rings on her fingers clinking like manacles in a wicked king's dungeon. "I need you to avenge him."
"I have no quarrel with the Baron D'Iverjoure," I said, knowing as the words echoed in my helmet that I was saying them just for the form of it and I'd end up taking this quest regardless. "I have heard he is an honorable man."
"That may be," said the damsel, in tones as lovely as a reliquary and just as filled with death, "but you took an oath to obey the next lady to ask you a favor, and I'm calling it in."
I silently cursed my habit of swearing rash vows. They always get me in trouble. But you know how that goes. "Your wish is my command, milady."
She nodded and remounted her horse with the help of her two servants who I hadn't bothered to mention before now. "I will listen for news of your success," she said as she left.
That's the way it is with damsels; they always know about the oaths. Even the ones you spoke into a dented chalice, empty of wine, after everyone else had left the feast. And now I've got another quest I can't turn down without losing my honor.
Supermarkets Hate This One Weird Trick: Using The Secrets Of Our Ancestors To Harness The True Potential Of What We Eat
Or; Tatt talks about stews.
Cost of living crisis being what it is, I've been thinking about cheap cooking a lot recently, and I wanted to share my absolute best technique for making a Lot of food out of some cheap meat. Stews are great because you maximise the flavour of the meat but don't actually need that much protein, and it works best on cheaper cuts of meat. This is probably pretty obvious to many people, but I was never taught this in school so maybe others weren't either.
I have a bunch of recipes that are made like this (french onion lamb stew, chicken cacciatore, lentil and chorizo soup), but the recipe below isn't for any one of these, it's more a template to follow with whatever you have to hand.
Anyway, recipe(kind of) below cut:
You can make a good stew with basically any combination of ingredients, as long as you have some from each category:
Protein
Get a cheaper nastier cut with a lot of connective fibre, something that can stand up to stewing. I like chicken thighs for a faster meal, or something like chuck roast/gravy steak if you can let it all cook for a few hours. If you have any spare bacon that can add a lot of flavour too. You can even use sausages if you're extra sneaky - just don't stew them, add them back right at the end when you're about to serve.
Veg
Onions are the essential vegetable. I love onions. I'd also add some combination of garlic, celery, carrots, parsnip, corn, tomatoes, peas, olives etc, depending on what the vibe of the dish is and what you have on hand. Tinned is great for these purposes. Chop it all up small-ish.
Liquid
Water will work, but for the best flavour add stock or booze. Red wine is traditional with red meat, white wine with white meat. Brandy can be good here too. Stock cubes/powder are fine, we're not cooking for Gordon Ramsay. Sauces (soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce), vinegars or even fruit juice can also jazz up some plain water.
Bulk
The forgotten category. This is what makes your meal filling and hearty. There's a lot of options here, but I really like dried red lentils because they're super easy to work with, absorb flavours and keep forever on the shelf. Beans or grains like barley are also a good choice.
(potentially optional) Seasonings
Depending on what you've added already you may not need any extra flavour (if you've gone heavy on the sauces, for instance) but salt and pepper are good basics, and fresh or dried herbs or spices are good too. One of my favourite little extras is preserved lemon, which I make myself at home.
Method
Heat pan. Add a little oil. Place meat in pan, leave it alone until it un-sticks voluntarily, turn it to another side, repeat. Don't worry if it's not cooked through, we'll get back to that later. Right now we're building up a layer of gunk on the bottom of the pan.
Add more oil, then add onion and whatever other veg you're using here. My basic rule of thumb is if it's fairly dry (eg onions, garlic, carrots, parsnip) then it should be added now. If it's wet and/or needs less cooking (tinned tomatoes, tinned corn, olives) add it later. Fry it in the gunk. Your dried spices go in now too, but don't leave them dry for too long or they'll go bitter.
Pour in liquid and scrape the gunk off the bottom of the pan into the liquid. This is called deglazing. Add your meat back in, any wet veg, your bulk (the more dried bulk you add, the more liquid you'll need to add so it can be absorbed), and any fresh herbs. Cook for a while, I'd say 20-ish minutes minimum. Basically until your meat is nice and tender.
And there you go. You can make a massive MASSIVE pot of this and freeze most of it. Give a pot to your mate who's struggling to pay bills. Club together with that mate to both chip in for a mega bulk bag of onions, a bulk pack of lentils, and the cheapest meat you can find, and each make something different, then swap some containers. Two meals for the effort of one!
This obviously isn't the cheapest meal in the world, nor is it the fastest or the easiest. But it is pretty cheap and easy, and the more you make it, the cheaper and easier it becomes. You'll get faster at chopping onions, you'll learn some good flavour combinations, and you'll build up a collection of ingredients little by little. Soon you'll already have a half-used bag of dried lentils, a tin of oil, some jars of spices and sauces, some tins of tomatoes or chickpeas you bought when they were on special at the shops... Once you've got your pantry set up for this kind of cooking, the only thing you'll need to buy is some meat, and maybe a few carrots or a bottle of wine.
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*doom music starts to play*
I actually kindof like scheduling these kinds of appointments now...
but seriously Fellas, don't forget to schedule a pap smear every couple of years just in case. If you still have a cervix you can still get cervical cancer. ilu
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#I don't care for Monday's maze #Tuesday Wednesday time-loop haze #Thursday in the rack's embrace #It's Friday I'm in love (via @hartshorn-and-isinglass)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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