First of all, I love my wife with everything in me. But I took her for granted. And I may lose her.
Why? Because in my love, I got comfortable with routine on many levels. And those routines were easy to enable over time. She pointed this out a few times, and I guess I ignored it. Brutal.
We’ve been through far more than most couples can handle, but we’ve always been that rock for each other. And along the way, we developed different sleep patterns. I’d crash early, she’d stay up late. And eventually, cry. I had unwittingly began to hack at our connection. Old habits soon became a problem for myself, and I was unable to direct my critical eye towards a mirror and see the damage that I was doing.
Phone gaming became her crutch. The medium itself preys on the weak, and her leap into it has cost us thousands of dollars, despite my desperate pleas. But she had developed relationships with men and women, away from me. The money flew away. And still I went to bed early.
Eventually, we had a very innocuous straw that broke the camel’s back moment, and everything came crashing down inside of her. For a few days, I just tried to weather the storm, but the storm only picked up. A few days later, my concern was taking a sharp turn, as was her anger. She’s an incredible professional for her work, and opening a department as a manager for the first time that’s an hour plus away has been her focus since it was announced, and rightly so. But twelve hours a day away every day needs more than just good parenting and keeping up with laundry. I work hard, but she busts her fucking ass. Everyone knows she’s a ringer.
A week later I found myself in a pit of drunken irony. Years ago, in the whiskey days, she would from time to time try to hold a drunken and sometimes angry convo with me, to which I would commonly say ‘I don’t want to have this kind of discussion while we’re drinking.’ And now the circle has completed, because that’s what I kept trying to do. And jealousy and doubt began creeping over me like an army of ants.
The intimacy was gone. Anger and resentment was fortifying, and the distraction of her addictions was better in her mind than anything that had to do with me. I felt like an absolute creep touching or caressing her in anyway. And yet she was burning for contact. At one point it almost happened, but I knew we were not in sync and declined. It was a bad move, but I was not in that place. I wanted to understand.
One morning I thought and thought, and began to realize this was not going away. And it was because I was failing at being her equal and her partner. And the reality of losing her for real began to foster itself in my mind. Hurt, lost, scared, confused, I soon launched into invading her privacy after her location services were turned off for a week with only the most paltry excuses she could muster. She didn’t want me to ‘keep tabs on her’. My creep level shot up a million fold.
She had developed a flirting relationship along the way with someone she had known for a while, and when I dug out the truth I lost my mind. And My stoic ability to remain intact blew up on a day off, after not eating or getting good honest sleep much. Two glasses of wine fueled another dive into her privacy. I roiled over what I saw. I bent the terror of being cheated on into a hammer then beat myself with it all day. To escape my mind, I stumbled to the discgolf course, and blew thru every hole like it was on fire. The heat was not terrible, but present. And after throwing a heavy drive, I got lightheaded, stumbled, then face planted in a daze. I drove myself to do this on purpose, I think. I got up, dusted myself off, and left. My jealousy was taking root in my psyche and could not be broken.
A few positives began to crop up. I was tired of feeling like fucking bitch. I wanted to heal. So death metal came screeching back, and it’s frenetic pace soon became an eraser to brain shitting. And telling myself three things also help me balance. Those are: Move forward, never backwards. Mover forward, not fast forward. And Twisting in place does you no good. Basically it’s just don’t dwell on the past, don’t project the future, and don’t fill your head with anger. Ending old bad habits is a hard thing to face and admit, but that’s what I’m doing. But is it enough and is it too late?
She developed a nasty bruise on her forearm. She bruises easy, but this looked like a very forceful grab mark. I have no ability to hurt a woman in that regard, and deep down she knows it… but it’s. There. The possibility of me doing that in my sleep was presented to me, which I flatly denied because I do not drink that much, my mid night sleep pattern is very broken so I am awake a lot, and she’s my wife and I love her. I would never hurt her. She says she doesn’t believe me. Her work eventually put her up in a hotel because a store opening of this magnitude is keeping her beyond busy… but to keep her from being stuck with me. Being accused of cheating is one thing, but being accused of hurting someone I love in my sleep, even accidentally, is something I just can’t accept. But it looks like someone grabbed the shit out of her. That’s real.
Last night we made plans to have a nice dinner on her last night here for a while. But she pregamed, we had two martini’s and the same things came up, despite my best efforts. She dragged stuff up, but so did I, most certainly. Our sex life is more open to each other more than most couples I’d wager. We had a bit of a new discussion about that, which excited me to no end, but that doesn’t mean she has that burning for me at this time. But she made a comment about missing hugs. It hit me like a train. We struggled through our meals, remained cordial of sorts, but she was check out and I knew it before we walked in the place. When we got home things were no better.
This morning she left super early. Before leaving, she said goodbye and gave me a big hug as she sniffed away a sudden burst of tears. It’s been about a month since this meltdown began to gather strength. I have changed many things, I feel so much better mentally and physically. But she’s even angry at that, because those changes should have happened when she still looked at me the way she did, and continues to doubt change. Now a phone game and someone else have occupied what little time she has away from work. She is on an inaccessible island. And while I’m better, I’m still jealous and lonely. I desperately want that hug back.
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